My Eyes Hath Seen The Coming of the Lord...

...And He tells me I might be a pedophile. Only because a 16-year-old male contestant named Jenri will soon become a fathead.com-sized poster on my bedroom wall. Better yet, when I wasn't trying to understand how in God's name someone who looks like that isn't even legal, I also realized that he can actually carry a tune. Yes. Yes. YES to Hollywood. My God, if Kelly Pickler and Brett "Ace" Young can stay in the competition for as long as they did last year solely on the grounds of being semi-attractive, Jenri had better be there for at least as long. Plus he's adopted???? *Tear* Loving it.

But, on the topic of good looks, I feel it's time to let opinions fly instead of mere recaps like so many other blogs do. The situation we have here is a tough one, albeit nothing new. Here's a little secret about A.I. in case you haven't been watching regularly: Simon loves attractive people more than he loves good talent. Conversely, Simon hates unattractive people more than he hates mediocre singing. And I'm sad to say that this trend has gone to rather unacceptable levels in Season 6.

Take the girl who gave us her sob story about Daddy not approving of her dreams to be a singer. Lemme tell you something, had she not been spreading her pity party all over national television, she likely wouldn't have been given the nod to Hollywood. What, we're supposed to think that she's the ONLY girl on the planet whose parents aren't 100% supportive of her dreams to be a starving artist living out of suitcases just trying to make a buck? Man, if every contestant on the show was asked to speak on the trials and tribulations of finding support from powers that be to pursue their musical dreams, then everyone would get the go-ahead to Hollywood for tear-jerking factors alone (and Kleenex would make a killing at that). I for one, DO NOT buy into your "Daddy don't love me" hooey that this chick used, coupled with a cute enough face to get to Hollywood. Your story isn't original honey, it's just sentimental and overly played-up. No, you DON'T deserve to go to Hollywood based on talent alone.. and I don't appreciate watching the judges coddle a cute/sick puppy who has taken someone more deserving's spot. Boo.

Continuing on the topic of looks before talent, we move to the Barbie Doll "best friends" who once again use sleight of body to make us forget that they actually suck. Let's not even discuss their heinous attempt at a duet. But even their individual efforts left so much to be desired I almost threw something at the television. First girl - you are kinda the definition of mediocre when it comes to singing. No really, I looked it up this morning and they've uploaded your picture next to the definition -- I appreciated that. And your friend, albeit a stunner, is not much better than you. And while I'm not a math genius by any stretch, I do know that not much better than mediocre still equals lame. There are SO MANY singers, or, I should say, vocalists -- who have a craft and who I am certain brought it through those doors moreso than the bombshells of NYC. But once again, we see pretty over pipes with Cowell as the primary supporter. They can go model, or get a MAXIM deal, or go play some more beachball in next to nothing. Shit, at the rate FOX hires mediocre AI contestants for other gigs, they could likely even join Lisa Tucker (yawn) in an episode of "The O.C.: The Cancelled Years". I don't care. But the direction that the show has taken to completely forget the power of true singing talent over what's easy on the eyes is not appreciated. If they can hold a strong tune, then great (e.g. Jenri). But so many of these "cutsies" are getting through because Simon wants to sleep with someone new. This is not what we're paying to see, nor hear.

There seems to be some controversy over my girl who puts 2-ton weights all over her body to drop the 20 pounds she shed this year before walking into idol. Some say "nay".. others "yay. To be honest, I don't care all that much, but once again we see the judges supporting her efforts to kick her own ass for 12 months over another chick with a comparable if not better voice who did the same but was told to stay home. Now SPR (Simon/Paula/The Rand), if you want blondie to move on to the next round because she had a gritty, more original voice, then fine. But if you want her to move on because you could almost see her nether region thanks to the popularity of too-lowcut jeans, that's a different story. Paula even seemed to be getting off on it. Consistency people. Is it in you?

The JT looking guy was adorable - and bore a striking resemblance to one of my exes -- but single-handedly butchered Donny's "A Song For You" and only got goo-goo eyes from the judges once again. "Surprise us", Simon says. Surprise us how? You mean he might surprise you when you realize that he shouldn't be singing R&B songs that are way out of his league? Yeah, maybe that'll surprise you, fool. Awful. Yet, I don't know what offends me more -- the fact that he pretty much sucked at it, or the fact that the judges creamed over it liked they did. Actually, I have to move on from this subject, because it's making me nauseous just remembering. I like him visually and his energy was humble enough, but he, like so many Hollywooders dished out a bowl full of average and the judges somehow expect me to eat it. My God.

On the brighter side, there were some viable singers who came through the doors this week. Never in my life did I think the words "Sundance" and "Head" paired together would be my new favorite phrase, but AI has shown me the way. The aspiring background singer was lovely and refreshingly polished, but her "I'm scurred" thing will get tired real quick. She needs to leave that at the door come Cali time. That said, I did appreciate her lying on national TV about not wanting to kill her lead-vocalist contenders. That was nice. Nice and false. Kinda like Ryan Seacrest's continued efforts to make us believe he's straight. Sweet.

There were other charmers who warmed up a still cool pool of applicants, and several more we have yet to meet until Hollywood time. But, once again, we should stand to see talent in Birmingham next week when AI moves back under the Mason-Dixon. I was happy to see that the Southerners in Memphis once again took it to 'em on Tuesday as far as standouts go thus far. Alabama should be even badder - and by bad I mean good, of course.

All in all, my eyes have indeed seen the coming of the Lord, but my ears are still waiting for Season 6 to deliver the chills. Only Sundance has done that from start to finish 'til now. But with so much chest hair making its way throughout his body, I wonder if the sheer weight of it won't pull him flat on some songs down the road. Guess we'll have to wait and see. Pictures of these past 2 nights will go up soon.. for now, I leave you with dreams of dancing harmonicas in your head. Taylor, I know you're busy being the most famous grey-hair in music right now, but if you can spare a moment to grace your city with some winners next week, we'd really appreciate it. Season 6 is a little sick right now, and it needs to get better ASAP.

Pain, Pain, Go Away

Wow. Just wow. Having now seen both the Minneapolis and Seattle auditions, I can say that there is something in the water up in those parts, and it ain't good. Combined with all the rain (snow is just frozen rain anyway) they get, it's just a cesspool of mess. Cess o' mess. Cess 'o the mess. Let's take a look, which will at least be less painful than having to take a listen. Cuz damn.

This woman looks like that dude from The Princess Bride who helps Wesley recover in that scary dungeon when his arm gets mauled. (Man, that movie's a classic.) Sad part is, she's not nearly as charming or helpful. And then her mom? That's a gene pool that hasn't been cleaned in a good 24 winters. So, to avert our eyes, we move on to...
Sigh. THE HOTNESS cometh and she taketh no prisoners. Now, while she does put the ug in thug, the girl at least gets 2 points for confidence and badittude. That said, she gets about -1.56 trillion points for face. The only trick here is, I think she might have been a man. Seriously. Sans long locks and awkward-fitting halter, he's asking me out on a date on the corner of 23rd and Lex.
So.. let's once again try to find some light at the end of this black hole of talent...
Oh. Oh hell no. Look at his eyes for God's sake! While he's as sweet as Forrest Gump - and scarily like him (dude, he even said "And that's all I have to say about that" and WASN'T KIDDING) - he's as scary as the Unibomber on crack. My roommate made a fantastic point. He's the one who wakes up one day and shoots up the place bc he got picked on one too many times. Somehow I feel auditioning for AI was not the best move. Oh well. He'll always have Jenny.

(Sidenote): The spirit award most definitely goes to Amy - the asian mother of one who was crying solely bc her kid told her she could sing. Even though she in fact cannot, her perspective was clear and positive, which is so much more than most of the loony bin residents can say. Go Amy! Your kid won't realize you can't sing until he's at least a year and a half, so enjoy it mama.

Despite the appalling nature of most of both nights, there were some moments of hope (in addition to whichever good ones they're hiding from us until Hollywood and they cry for not getting enough pre-game exposure). There Ms. Crack Baby in Minnesota who could blow (exhibit B), and Ms. Cutsie Curl in Seattle (exhibit A). I like the crack baby story, but she obviously goes to the same "dentist" as Elliot Yamin, which could pose a bit of a problem. See for yourself:

SIXTEEN & SAUCYYYY PRESENTS:

SUGAR VS. CRACK (PT. 1)

Who will it be? Maybe neither seeing as how we're finally going to see some talent when AI heads to Memphis next week. Gimme some damn soul for the love of all things sacred. And lemme tell you, if Memphis ain't got it, we're all in for a lukewarm fight to the finish this year. As of now, it's been all "eh" and not one professional singing blowout to boot. I want chills and I want them NOW. The other bright light is that next week they cut this b.s. auditioning process to 1 hour a night. We better see more yay, and less yikes or Paula's weave is gonna get it.

Until next week!!

And You, and You, and YOU: You're Gonna Love Me

Well, well, well... a brand new year begins, but the same old obssession remains. American Idol is back and bigger than ever, and even though I make no money on the show, I couldn't be happier (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070117/ap_en_tv/tv_american_idol_ratingsS). And with so many millions glued to their TV screens, I figured there's no better time to dedicate my new blog to all things Idol. We're only just gearing up, but here's a forum in which I can rip on the bad, cry for the good, and get great new makeup tips from Randy Jackson. What more could you want in a show? Everyone's watching it - now, all of us can talk about it too.

So, I start with a few questions:
1 - Lindsay Lohan can check into rehab but Paula Abdul can't? What's wrong with this picture?
2 - "Yes to Hollywood" t-shirts should be hot on the fashion market, and yet, I see none. What's wrong with this picture?
3 - People in Seattle and Minneapolis apparently can't sing. Nothing wrong with that picture - why the hell is AI even looking for stars in these places? Don't the producers know that people crazy enough to hone their solo singing talents aren't going to hug trees in snow and rain to make it big? Besides, virtually every winner on the show has been from the South anyway. Why don't they stop the madness and stick to the red states. People down there may not be able to pick a president, but they sure as hell know how to win talent shows. I mean, look at what Kelly Pickler has done with less talent and grace than my stuffed CareBear. It's almost moving, in some sick, backwards way.

Lastly, I ask you this:
4 - Why was the premiere so unfunny? The editing team needs to get their game a bit tighter to deserve the 40 million viewers they've earned over time. Shape up people. We pay good DVR money to see funny stuff before the competition actually begins... I want to see at least one more dude run to the bathroom in slow motion like one did so well in '06. Just one. Just once.

Let the madness begin!!!