Pain, Pain, Go Away

Wow. Just wow. Having now seen both the Minneapolis and Seattle auditions, I can say that there is something in the water up in those parts, and it ain't good. Combined with all the rain (snow is just frozen rain anyway) they get, it's just a cesspool of mess. Cess o' mess. Cess 'o the mess. Let's take a look, which will at least be less painful than having to take a listen. Cuz damn.

This woman looks like that dude from The Princess Bride who helps Wesley recover in that scary dungeon when his arm gets mauled. (Man, that movie's a classic.) Sad part is, she's not nearly as charming or helpful. And then her mom? That's a gene pool that hasn't been cleaned in a good 24 winters. So, to avert our eyes, we move on to...
Sigh. THE HOTNESS cometh and she taketh no prisoners. Now, while she does put the ug in thug, the girl at least gets 2 points for confidence and badittude. That said, she gets about -1.56 trillion points for face. The only trick here is, I think she might have been a man. Seriously. Sans long locks and awkward-fitting halter, he's asking me out on a date on the corner of 23rd and Lex.
So.. let's once again try to find some light at the end of this black hole of talent...
Oh. Oh hell no. Look at his eyes for God's sake! While he's as sweet as Forrest Gump - and scarily like him (dude, he even said "And that's all I have to say about that" and WASN'T KIDDING) - he's as scary as the Unibomber on crack. My roommate made a fantastic point. He's the one who wakes up one day and shoots up the place bc he got picked on one too many times. Somehow I feel auditioning for AI was not the best move. Oh well. He'll always have Jenny.

(Sidenote): The spirit award most definitely goes to Amy - the asian mother of one who was crying solely bc her kid told her she could sing. Even though she in fact cannot, her perspective was clear and positive, which is so much more than most of the loony bin residents can say. Go Amy! Your kid won't realize you can't sing until he's at least a year and a half, so enjoy it mama.

Despite the appalling nature of most of both nights, there were some moments of hope (in addition to whichever good ones they're hiding from us until Hollywood and they cry for not getting enough pre-game exposure). There Ms. Crack Baby in Minnesota who could blow (exhibit B), and Ms. Cutsie Curl in Seattle (exhibit A). I like the crack baby story, but she obviously goes to the same "dentist" as Elliot Yamin, which could pose a bit of a problem. See for yourself:

SIXTEEN & SAUCYYYY PRESENTS:

SUGAR VS. CRACK (PT. 1)

Who will it be? Maybe neither seeing as how we're finally going to see some talent when AI heads to Memphis next week. Gimme some damn soul for the love of all things sacred. And lemme tell you, if Memphis ain't got it, we're all in for a lukewarm fight to the finish this year. As of now, it's been all "eh" and not one professional singing blowout to boot. I want chills and I want them NOW. The other bright light is that next week they cut this b.s. auditioning process to 1 hour a night. We better see more yay, and less yikes or Paula's weave is gonna get it.

Until next week!!