K, so there's good news and bad news about American Idol this week -- which one do you want first? The Good? Okay, let's stay on the happier side of life for just one second. Here are certain things that we can unequivocably deem good in the spirit of AI:
1. Jennifer Hudson won a friggin' OSCAR. Gold. Black Gold. Whether you loved her (me) or not (yeah, okay both Fantasia and Lakisha could likely blast off on that joint as well) - she just set records beyond the imaginable in Hollywood. Scoring THAT big on your FIRST movie is somewhere just north of unheard of, and I officially give American Idol the right to boast that celebrity-making homerun until the end of time. In short, CONGRATS m'lady!!
2. Elliott Yamin (aka the most consistently awesome male R&B singer in AI history) is out with a new single and album. Google him, find him on Myspace, and for God sakes, continue to marvel at the wonders of proper dental reconstruction. We love you! Tell the major labels to suck it! And keep our eardrums warm and fuzzy with your tingling talent for years and years to come, baby.
3. The Top 10 guys were undeniably better than last week, with few exceptions.
K, so here's the bad news.
The Top 10 guys still blow in a relative sense, and bear nothing resembling American Idol quality when it comes to vocal talent. And what's worse, we're STILL going to have to discuss them way more than any of them deserve because SPR made the suckiest selections that ever sucked this year and I can't get out of it. Wouldn't we all rather see a few good women go at it this year than have to put up with this shit? Ugh. This black hole of average and uninspiring is borderline embarrassing for a show that brimmed with so much talent and uniqueness last year. So, once again, I break open what we saw and heard last night, and pretend to do so like all 10 of them don't pale in comparison to actually great vocalists past, present, and future.
1. Coming off a winning performance from last week, Phil Stacey decided to start off the show making us question just how good he really is. Not only did he choose T-H-E CHEESIEST, SQUAREST, WHY-WON'T-THE-VERSE-JUST-END-SO-THAT-THE-EVEN-SQUARER-CHORUS-CAN-ALSO-PASS-US-BY-MORE-QUICKLY? song ever sung by a "man". I hate that song so much thatI'd rather spend a life sentence in solitary confinement with Patrick Swayze singing "She's Like The Wind" on repeat than hear that song, and certainly when I have to hear it coming through Phil Stacey's nose. The man has fantastic tone when he hits certain notes, but his God-awful head voice nasality makes you wanna slap somebody -- namely, him -- and not in a good way. Don't get me wrong, he has greatness in him, but last night was a few good men's giant steps back from a week ago. Get it together AlienBoy - cuz that shit wasn't that cute. Three cheers for Simon finally highlighting that Phil is a good singer with absolutely ZERO uniqueness about his voice. He'll go very far in this competition, but compared to past heroes, this soldier's not much.
2. Correction from last week: Jared Cotter isn't actually that hot. Sorry. And him trying to make up for it by wearing a hot suit only clarified that fact for me all the more. He's a good-looking dude, sure, but hot? Not quite. Just wait for the few close-up pans on faceland that we get, and you'll see what I'm talking about. But hey, it's better than having to look at Chris Sligh's double chin all the time. (I know, I know.. mean. But you're thinking it too.) People -- let's face it: Jared was booty last night. I think about 27% of the song was actually in tune, and he always looks like he just got another hernia whenever he hits those notes at the very top of his chest voice range. It's painful to him, and it's painful to us, so he'd better stop pushing so hard or he's gonna pop a vein on national TV. Don't sing Marvin Gaye's classic poorly and THEN take the corn quotient up a few thousand more notches by semi-sexually and mostly-awkwardly sliding your hand down your face like you just drooled and didn't want anyone to notice. That wasn't fun. If he stays, it's because he's the better looking of the bunch, given that his rendition was spot-on karaoke if I've ever heard it.
3. Hip Hip WhoGay! It's AJ Time! I just keep wondering whether he goes by AJ because his real name is Alexandra Jane. Probably. Or Alice Juanita. Those are the only possibilities. That "man" has more estrogen up in the spot than I do, and although I'm pretty much half-man, it's still frigthening to watch. The hipswingin', the too tight bootylicious jeans, the foundation... and the Nina Simone songs. Ah, it's just so much to handle at all once. Good thing the boy has the absolute worst TV personality in the history of life. Did you see him try to fumble over his singular interview question from Ryan in the red room? Now, the boy was arguably better than Jared, but he can thank the band's arrangement for that, which, by the way, outdid him for most of the song. I also can't figure out why no one is discussing his seismic flatness problem, wherein, he has YET to hit a note full-on when coming up from a lower one. Coming down from higher registers has been generally fine, but his knack for flat gnaws at my ears like fingernails comin' down the chalkboard. I would tell someone backstage to just help him with his pitch issues, but it may not matter after Thursday.
4. Quarterway into the show, I fell asleep and had this nightmare wherein Sanajaya Suckakar had turned into a monstrous, talentless version of Michael Jackson-meets-Michael Buble, and then got up and sang a swing era song in whisper tones. Then I woke up, and it was over. I was sweating and couldn't really breathe, but I'm pretty sure that with enough of God's good grace, it'll never, ever, EVER, happen again.
5. Okay, here's where I lose some friends (don't worry, I've prepared myself for it). Y'all, I'm not buying ANY tickets to the Chris Sligh concert anytime soon. He's a solid enough singer, no doubt, but there is something so impostor about this boy and how he delivers songs that I just can't get on the Bobular Train. There's something too distanced between his talent and his delivery, as though he's never really and truly connecting with the songs the way real vocalists should. His tone is unique, and his personality is cool, but he's just not a star. He's just a guy that's clenching every muscle in his not-so-small body to make sure he hits every note just the way he needs to to convince people that he can sing damnit. And that's too much average for my taste. Lemme put it this way, picture the boy singing next to Fantasia Barrino. The difference between professional and amateur is just so striking - primarily because when truly great vocalists sing, they're not clenching for dear life, they're not thinking about how to attack this next part just like the singer on the original does it, they're singing the way THEY sing songs and doing it with ease. I know a lot of people like this kid, but the only thing I like about him when it comes to singing are his song choices. Y'see, when Ray LaMontagne sings "Trouble" (or anything for that matter), your heart alights to such heights because that's a voice for the ages, so dripping with soul and depth and ease that you're moved and inspired. Sligh? Off rhythm and using the whitest of white riffs and endings for a song that sails by the soul of its creator. My vote: "Eh." Doesn't matter though, he'll be here for awhile too.
6. Nick Pedro has one heck of a smoky tone to his voice, the kind you're only born with and others kinda hate you for. That said, he did look like he just made a sale on his latest condo, and he didn't give "Fever" any mmph WHATSOEVER. He couldn't hit the choruses, and although that kind of scratchy non-note-hitting works for Rod Stewart (don't ask me why or how), it won't work for Nickleback. I appreciated his "Vote for Pedro" chant at the end, but that was clearly the highlight of his time on stage. He likely would've fared better just doing Napolean Dynamite's dance from the end of the movie. I'm sad to say that despite being one of the more unique male singers, he's likely heading back to filing cabinets and highlighters in 2 days time.
7. Like Phil, Blake took giant steps backward this week from last. The beatboxing in between was undeniably original, but the rest was pitchy, annoying, awkward, annoying, unauthentic, annoying, and well, annoying. I'm glad you can dance. I'm glad you can beatbox. But did anyone tell you that this is a singing competition? Someone did last week, but apparently they jumped ship since then. Lemme be the one to bring you back from the singing dead -- quit looking like that hoodlum skateboarder in town who's going nowhere fast, and start taking yourself seriously, cuz if you don't, I will find a way to end you. I promise.
8. Do I have to discuss Brandon? Cuz I really don't want to. It reeked so bad of something horrific that I don't want to have to conjur up the memories long enough to write about it. The song choice (or the rendition, I should say, cuz there are breathtaking versions of "Time After Time" out there, I assure you), the abysmal delivery (I still can't get those 2 outstretched arms of "Come on! Just FEEL it with me guys!" out of my head), the pink shirt, the complete lack of anything moving aside from his film piece. What was merely disappointing last week is now more like disgusting to me, and I'm glad Simon all but kicked his ass in front of everyone to get the point across. Dear Brandon, you are good somewhere underneath all that suck, but it's too little too late. I'm not into you anymore, and I don't think America is either. Also, it'd be great if you realized that trying to overcompensate for beyond-shitty performances with verbosity only digs your hole deeper. Please stop trying to explain yourself, as though we don't know exactly what you're trying to do. You're trying to sing like a piece of shit, and we're trying to find the tranquilizers. We're over.
9. Chris Richardson continues to be hot, and that Virginian drawl just makes me wanna. He also scored huge with the judges (and fans) last night. That said, it wasn't nearly as good as SPR said it was. Yet, despite pitch problems and breathing issues, he made up for any misteps with amazing stage presence, energy, and likability. He's just fun to watch. He moves the right ways. And everything he's stealing from Mr. Timberlake are the right things. I told you I've had my money on this kid for a while... long before SPR started hyping him up. He's got a lot to work on vocally, but I have a feeling that's more a matter of him selecting songs that are less hyper and all over the place. If he can kill on a ballad, this kid's in it to win it as far as men are concerned.
10. Finallyyyyyyyyyy!!! The return of Sundance as we know it! First off, I kinda want a poster of his kid with ghoti up on my wall -- cutefest!! But more importantly, he did what he does best and finally earned his spot in the Top 10 Men. We'll see how he fares next week, but so far so much better. The boy's got the chops, but he does need to keep improving each week to make his star factor blossom. Although, when he hit it up high halfway through the song, I'm pretty sure I got a run in my stockings. Holla! Go on Mr. Head -- you're far from all the way there, but you're in the driver's seat now. For the love of God and all things Holy, don't ever slow your Mustang down. Do it for Levi!
K, Ladies turn it up a notch tonight - thank God. Although don't be surprised if they're not as on fire as last week. I have a creeping suspicion that the ladies may be cooler than their blazing hot start in round 1. Hoping to high Heaven I'm wrong. Will the Queens continue to bring it? Will the pretty faces continue to water down the quality of this show by miles? Will Leslie Hunt continue to be doglike? All this and more I'm sure. Till then!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
It Pays To Discover (That Indian Americans Are Clearly Watching AI This Year)
Surprise, surprise -- the two blandest white women in AI history have been voted off. Don't ask me to remember their names because ... I have no clue. I just remember that they weren't worth remembering, and that somewhere Bonnie Raitt is knifing a chick from the Northwest who committed attempted homicide on her greatest musical hit. Erykah Badu would likely be doing the same to Nicole (it was Nicole, right?), who was just as craptastic on her tune, if she wasn't too high to leave the house. I'm okay with going 0 for 4 with my predictions of who would go home this week, because it's really just a matter of time before the mannequins leave our eardrums for good. If not now, 'twill come soon my friends, soon.
The only real travesties came with the dudes' results from last night. It scared me when I thought to myself as Rudy was singing -- "Y'know, this guy is just like that guy Patrick Hall who [also] sang first on AI Season 5 and [also] had a GREAT voice that no one was really picking up on". It was the closest thing to watching history clone itself as I can remember -- wherein, two strong male talents went first, had no cameratime or uniqueness to make them memorable with fans, and bit the bullet in the first week. Maybe Pat and The Rude can make a duet about being underappreciated in the music biz. Oh wait, every other unsigned artist is singing that song too. Hm. Again, no one ever said they were unique. Although Mr. Cardenas didn't have much in the way of star power, I'd pay quite a few pennies to see him sing more often than Sanjaya. All good though, maybe it's best to put the clearly-not-going-to-winners out of their misery early.
As for Sanjaya, it became GROSSLY obvious that he will fill the Chicken Little role this year, following in the baby footsteps of Season 5's Kevin Covais. Y'know.. the kid who is cute to some because when he sings, you almost want to go pee in your pants FOR HIM, just so he doesn't have to do it right there on stage in front of millions, which you know he's just 2 seconds away from doing every time. What's more, Sanjaya has the entire Indian American votership rallying for him, and will likely find ways to raise immigration quotas to unfathomable limits just to get some more support. There is no other way that this child would be in the Top 4 of anything related to singing well. But, lucky for him his mild manners border on anemic, and whenever the little peanut looks around the room, so lost in a cave of wonders called spotlights and applause, he conjures up innumerable images of sick, shaking, 3-limbed puppies that sock-it-to-ya fans like me can't even wish him a slow and uncomfortable death quite as easily as I could Covais. So, to the detriment of all who appreciate being entertained and impressed through music, we must put up with the Indian Prince for quite a bit more. Stating the ridiculousness of that fact is so unnecessary that I'll just stop where I am.
As for next week, we get to see the Ladies continue to set it off, and the Men continue to drag it out. The Barbies will likely meet their Maker next week, and Sundance "Will My Ass Ever Let Go of My" Head may actually sing something well. I don't really care, as long as Lakisha comes over for pancakes and mimosas like she promised.
The only real travesties came with the dudes' results from last night. It scared me when I thought to myself as Rudy was singing -- "Y'know, this guy is just like that guy Patrick Hall who [also] sang first on AI Season 5 and [also] had a GREAT voice that no one was really picking up on". It was the closest thing to watching history clone itself as I can remember -- wherein, two strong male talents went first, had no cameratime or uniqueness to make them memorable with fans, and bit the bullet in the first week. Maybe Pat and The Rude can make a duet about being underappreciated in the music biz. Oh wait, every other unsigned artist is singing that song too. Hm. Again, no one ever said they were unique. Although Mr. Cardenas didn't have much in the way of star power, I'd pay quite a few pennies to see him sing more often than Sanjaya. All good though, maybe it's best to put the clearly-not-going-to-winners out of their misery early.
As for Sanjaya, it became GROSSLY obvious that he will fill the Chicken Little role this year, following in the baby footsteps of Season 5's Kevin Covais. Y'know.. the kid who is cute to some because when he sings, you almost want to go pee in your pants FOR HIM, just so he doesn't have to do it right there on stage in front of millions, which you know he's just 2 seconds away from doing every time. What's more, Sanjaya has the entire Indian American votership rallying for him, and will likely find ways to raise immigration quotas to unfathomable limits just to get some more support. There is no other way that this child would be in the Top 4 of anything related to singing well. But, lucky for him his mild manners border on anemic, and whenever the little peanut looks around the room, so lost in a cave of wonders called spotlights and applause, he conjures up innumerable images of sick, shaking, 3-limbed puppies that sock-it-to-ya fans like me can't even wish him a slow and uncomfortable death quite as easily as I could Covais. So, to the detriment of all who appreciate being entertained and impressed through music, we must put up with the Indian Prince for quite a bit more. Stating the ridiculousness of that fact is so unnecessary that I'll just stop where I am.
As for next week, we get to see the Ladies continue to set it off, and the Men continue to drag it out. The Barbies will likely meet their Maker next week, and Sundance "Will My Ass Ever Let Go of My" Head may actually sing something well. I don't really care, as long as Lakisha comes over for pancakes and mimosas like she promised.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
It's Lady's Night and The Feeling's Right
“If you want something said, ask a man...if you want something done, ask a woman.” - Margaret Thatcher
Well, Maggie, you've never been more correct than yesterday, when the women of AI ripped the men to shreds, ate 'em whole, and licked their fingers afterwards for all to see. Finally!!!! We have something (multiple somethings, in fact) to be excited about. Just when I was certain that AI6 had lost that lovin' feelin', the divas came out fighting and took no prisoners. As fantastic as it was to watch so many of them do their thing on stage, I couldn't help thinking that the men were sitting there trying to find the nearest exits. Because it was as plain as day that no one with a Y chromosome has any reason to be here this year... not when the likes of Lakisha, Melinda, Stephanie and even a few other suprises gave us something to talk about last night. What's more, there continued to be some justice in the world in that the truly professional vocalists who tore it up last night only made it that much more clear why the pretty packages who tried to keep up with them will never play in the same league as they. It feels strange even having to discuss the bad with the good out of the Idol ladies from last night, because as SPR said time and again, there's really no comparison here. But, in the spirit of fairness and in-depth reporting, I'll discuss all 12 female contestants. So, without further ado, I crack open the highs and lows of last night's affair, with a warm, weirdly proud feeling in my heart:
1 - Stephanie Edwards came out with such charm, power, control, and all-around freshness that I realized then why she didn't even NEED more camera time leading up to this week. Who cares? The lady is cuter than Fantasia by miles (and I don't think it's coincidence that FannyFan is performing tonight before we get the results), is just as young, and basically killed from start to finish. She seemed comfortable, and even had the guts to drop on bended knee to wow us visually as much as aurally. She'll likely be wearing pants next week to cover the bruises from that landing, but it don't matta -- she wheeled and dealed her way through Prince's "How Come You Don't Call Me" with as much fever as I've seen on the show -- and her fresh fashion sense and unique look may catapult her past the ones who sing even better than she. No better way to start off what should be a very long ride in this competition for Ms. Edwards. Get hype!!
2 - Amy Krebs continued to be as random and forgettable and she's been since the show started. Unlike Stephanie, she managed to prove why someone with a lot less talent MUST have more camera time in order to stay in this competition. To be honest, I still only remember some random purple paisley dress she wore. And the fact that she all but murdered the greatest song of all time (find me ONE person who doesn't like this song and I'll give you $100), "I Can't Make You Love Me". Don't wreck my song. Don't. That's just mean. And I'm sure as forgettable as you are, Amy, you can rest assured that Bonnie Raitt's biker crew is heading down highway 5 as we speak, faster than you can escape their black leathered wrath. And then you'll really have reason to sing the blues.
3 - Leslie Hunt. Hm... How exactly do I put this? Maybe going the anecdotal route will be nicer. Before she sang, I told my roommate that Leslie strongly resembled a dog. Perhaps a cute dog, but a dog nonetheless. Her husky voice doesn't help either. But then, after she was done singing, Simon gracefully reminded us that she has every reason to look canine, given that she's a professional dogwalker! How fitting! Now I feel much better for making that mostly irrelevant remark. Anyway, her singing is spot on when she gets in a groove, and I do appreciate that her voice is "different" from most others, but the abomination that she calls stage presence will forever get in the way of whatever she'd like us to hear. Too bad too... she seems like a nice girl. But she also seems like she'd be just as happy painting Ryan's toenails a new shade of lilac during the commercial breaks. In short, she doesn't want to be here anymore than we don't want her to be here. Fitting once again.
4. Sabrina Sloan was most definitely the surprise of the night, because I don't think one person on the planet thought she was going to be anything more than kinda okay. Instead, she pulled out a little Aguilera influences here and there, and did a pretty darn good job of mimicking her. While she was most definitely on the mark throughout her performance, it was a little "teeny bopper" in delivery, as though she goes home every night, curling up with the latest Christina poster and a "How To Win American Idol" book in hand. I mean, she pretty much said so, given that she apparently calculates her song choices based not on what feels right for her as a vocalist, but on past seasons of Idol. Interesting. She gets an A this time for preparedness, but perhaps a D- for authenticity. She'll be here for a while yet, but the second she has an off night, you can bet she'll be packing her bags. That's what we call a good skater on thin ice.
5. Antonella Barba is undoubtedly stunning. Great. But I think someone accidentally walked her into American Idol when she should be with Tyra and the gang over at the new CW. Model your ass off girl! Get those cameo roles in upcoming teen flicks! I won't be mad at you! But I will be mad if we continue having to put up with your no-singing ass on this show. She has NO redeeming vocal prowess, and sitting back and saying "Well, I mean, she's PRETTY!!!!" doesn't change that fact. Move on into your true career calling -- cuz singing ain't it.
6. Lil Miss Jordin Sparks is a great young talent, but keep in mind that Stephanie Edwards is only 2 years older than she is, so let's stop jonesing on how "young" she is. She's good, she'll do very well in this competition, but lately I've become more and more allergic to sugar. It seems trite to me, the smileyness, the bad curls all over the place as though her famous NFL football daddy doesn't have the money to get her to a salon, the scary resemblance to Ugly Betty if Betty ever gets her braces removed (note: I think Betty's pretty in that cute and unintimidating way). She has that Lisa Tucker thing that made me wretch nearly every week last year. That talent for a young kid that's commendable, but not moving at the end of the day. I wish her well, but I'm kinda already over it... besides, who needs sugar when you have Splenda these days.
7. Nicole Tranquillo can actually sing her ass off, but, like so many "classically trained voice majors", never learned how to sing a song CORRECTLY. And this is as important as having great intonation and control. I was pleased that Paula picked up on her fantastic range and ability, but ability minus delivery also amounts to nuttin' much. I want to see her get another chance more than anyone though, because I think on the right song, she'll show and prove why she should be here (at least for another voting round). But the fact that the song was way over most AI watchers' heads, she had a schizophrenic time getting through it, and doesn't even have the "hot" factor on her side could spell quick and sudden death tonight.
8. Haley Scarnato was boring and dated and a bland(er) version of Katherine McPhee. We've seen this movie before (i.e. last season), and that chic was better. She's cute enough to stay another week, but no one will miss her if she goes now.
9. Melinda Doolittle will in fact do a WHOLE DAMN LOT on this show and beyond. She has arguably the most authentic, powerful, and versatile voice in the competition, which makes up for the fact that she has no neck. She's a wonderful spirit, has Simon on her side, and can break hearts with a voice so dripping with soul I don't know what to do with myself. It was as close to perfect as the performances got last night, and she even was nice enough to turn to the guys during her set to give them some love. Love her. Love her. Don't need her to win -- just need her to put out an album. And although she'll likely go R&B, if I were her manager, I'd put her on the fastrack to gospel stardom IMMEDIATELY, and warn Yolanda Adams that she finally has some competition to worry about. She was born to sing gospel, and I'll die happy eating it right up. Can I get an Amen! Praise her!!
10. Alaina continued to disappoint and probably delivered the pitchiest performance of the night. Not only was the song choice abysmal; her rendition of it was amateur and all over the place. She seemed lost inside it, and that's not good when you're performing a song with about 4 notes in it. Simon summed it up on the "getting by on your looks" tip, but I would be shocked if she doesn't leave us for good after tonight. If she doesn't, it's just a matter of time. And by time I mean 7 days.
11. Gina Glocksen is kind of the more tranny version of Kelly Clarkson, with less talent. Which, last I checked, means her time is ticking on this show. The whole "I'm TIRED of auditioning for American Idol cuz I AM the American Idol" bullsh is no longer appealing or even memorable. She's got a nice tone when she sticks to her deeper register -- I tend to prefer that in a female vocalist anyway -- but not enough all around "Wow" factor to last long in this one. She'll get the lezzy votes though, which should give her the edge to make the final Top 12 in my predictions.
12. Last but farthest from the least, we come to my air, my water, my babymama even though I haven't told her yet, Lakisha Jones. Do I even have to discuss how wondrous, powerful, awesome, great, other-league she is? Good. Cuz I don't want to state the obvious if I don't have to. Instead, let's just gather 'round the TV each week and hold our breaths to hear what she'll do next. The only thing I'll focus on here that may be getting lost in the fray is this woman's genuine humility. It's the humility that you just have, and you can't feign no matter how great an actor you are. She stands there, she listens to whomever is talking to her, she's grateful to be alive, she just wants to sing and sing well, she doesn't ask anyone to love her or hate her or give her another chance. She's just here, happy to sing for more than church pews, happy to talk to her daughter on her 4th birthday, focused, quiet but not aloof, glowing, and natural. Melinda cannot touch whatever inner grace Lakisha was given, bc we're going to be hearing the "It just feels SO GOOD to be a LEAD SINGER NOW!" speech from here on in from Ms. Doolittle. Stephanie is a front-runner as well, but she's just "so comfortable!" on stage, as though she has no reason to be surprised that people love her (that's code for kinda knows she's the shit and y'all betta recognize). Ms. Jones, on the other hand, isn't asking for anything... she's just trying to figure out what she wants to sing next week. They could whisk her away from this competition tomorrow and I'd be touched, bc *that's* what great singers should do and be. She will be good to go from this point on, and while your votes are appreciated and EXPECTED, she really doesn't need them. Finally. Someone who can finally be worthy of the title Idol, not because of talent, but because of character.
So... who will it be tonight people!?!??!!? Betting's on. My votes for DunzoLand:
Men: Sanjaya Something and Sundance Head
Women: Alaina Alexander and Antonella Barba
Until tonight!
Well, Maggie, you've never been more correct than yesterday, when the women of AI ripped the men to shreds, ate 'em whole, and licked their fingers afterwards for all to see. Finally!!!! We have something (multiple somethings, in fact) to be excited about. Just when I was certain that AI6 had lost that lovin' feelin', the divas came out fighting and took no prisoners. As fantastic as it was to watch so many of them do their thing on stage, I couldn't help thinking that the men were sitting there trying to find the nearest exits. Because it was as plain as day that no one with a Y chromosome has any reason to be here this year... not when the likes of Lakisha, Melinda, Stephanie and even a few other suprises gave us something to talk about last night. What's more, there continued to be some justice in the world in that the truly professional vocalists who tore it up last night only made it that much more clear why the pretty packages who tried to keep up with them will never play in the same league as they. It feels strange even having to discuss the bad with the good out of the Idol ladies from last night, because as SPR said time and again, there's really no comparison here. But, in the spirit of fairness and in-depth reporting, I'll discuss all 12 female contestants. So, without further ado, I crack open the highs and lows of last night's affair, with a warm, weirdly proud feeling in my heart:
1 - Stephanie Edwards came out with such charm, power, control, and all-around freshness that I realized then why she didn't even NEED more camera time leading up to this week. Who cares? The lady is cuter than Fantasia by miles (and I don't think it's coincidence that FannyFan is performing tonight before we get the results), is just as young, and basically killed from start to finish. She seemed comfortable, and even had the guts to drop on bended knee to wow us visually as much as aurally. She'll likely be wearing pants next week to cover the bruises from that landing, but it don't matta -- she wheeled and dealed her way through Prince's "How Come You Don't Call Me" with as much fever as I've seen on the show -- and her fresh fashion sense and unique look may catapult her past the ones who sing even better than she. No better way to start off what should be a very long ride in this competition for Ms. Edwards. Get hype!!
2 - Amy Krebs continued to be as random and forgettable and she's been since the show started. Unlike Stephanie, she managed to prove why someone with a lot less talent MUST have more camera time in order to stay in this competition. To be honest, I still only remember some random purple paisley dress she wore. And the fact that she all but murdered the greatest song of all time (find me ONE person who doesn't like this song and I'll give you $100), "I Can't Make You Love Me". Don't wreck my song. Don't. That's just mean. And I'm sure as forgettable as you are, Amy, you can rest assured that Bonnie Raitt's biker crew is heading down highway 5 as we speak, faster than you can escape their black leathered wrath. And then you'll really have reason to sing the blues.
3 - Leslie Hunt. Hm... How exactly do I put this? Maybe going the anecdotal route will be nicer. Before she sang, I told my roommate that Leslie strongly resembled a dog. Perhaps a cute dog, but a dog nonetheless. Her husky voice doesn't help either. But then, after she was done singing, Simon gracefully reminded us that she has every reason to look canine, given that she's a professional dogwalker! How fitting! Now I feel much better for making that mostly irrelevant remark. Anyway, her singing is spot on when she gets in a groove, and I do appreciate that her voice is "different" from most others, but the abomination that she calls stage presence will forever get in the way of whatever she'd like us to hear. Too bad too... she seems like a nice girl. But she also seems like she'd be just as happy painting Ryan's toenails a new shade of lilac during the commercial breaks. In short, she doesn't want to be here anymore than we don't want her to be here. Fitting once again.
4. Sabrina Sloan was most definitely the surprise of the night, because I don't think one person on the planet thought she was going to be anything more than kinda okay. Instead, she pulled out a little Aguilera influences here and there, and did a pretty darn good job of mimicking her. While she was most definitely on the mark throughout her performance, it was a little "teeny bopper" in delivery, as though she goes home every night, curling up with the latest Christina poster and a "How To Win American Idol" book in hand. I mean, she pretty much said so, given that she apparently calculates her song choices based not on what feels right for her as a vocalist, but on past seasons of Idol. Interesting. She gets an A this time for preparedness, but perhaps a D- for authenticity. She'll be here for a while yet, but the second she has an off night, you can bet she'll be packing her bags. That's what we call a good skater on thin ice.
5. Antonella Barba is undoubtedly stunning. Great. But I think someone accidentally walked her into American Idol when she should be with Tyra and the gang over at the new CW. Model your ass off girl! Get those cameo roles in upcoming teen flicks! I won't be mad at you! But I will be mad if we continue having to put up with your no-singing ass on this show. She has NO redeeming vocal prowess, and sitting back and saying "Well, I mean, she's PRETTY!!!!" doesn't change that fact. Move on into your true career calling -- cuz singing ain't it.
6. Lil Miss Jordin Sparks is a great young talent, but keep in mind that Stephanie Edwards is only 2 years older than she is, so let's stop jonesing on how "young" she is. She's good, she'll do very well in this competition, but lately I've become more and more allergic to sugar. It seems trite to me, the smileyness, the bad curls all over the place as though her famous NFL football daddy doesn't have the money to get her to a salon, the scary resemblance to Ugly Betty if Betty ever gets her braces removed (note: I think Betty's pretty in that cute and unintimidating way). She has that Lisa Tucker thing that made me wretch nearly every week last year. That talent for a young kid that's commendable, but not moving at the end of the day. I wish her well, but I'm kinda already over it... besides, who needs sugar when you have Splenda these days.
7. Nicole Tranquillo can actually sing her ass off, but, like so many "classically trained voice majors", never learned how to sing a song CORRECTLY. And this is as important as having great intonation and control. I was pleased that Paula picked up on her fantastic range and ability, but ability minus delivery also amounts to nuttin' much. I want to see her get another chance more than anyone though, because I think on the right song, she'll show and prove why she should be here (at least for another voting round). But the fact that the song was way over most AI watchers' heads, she had a schizophrenic time getting through it, and doesn't even have the "hot" factor on her side could spell quick and sudden death tonight.
8. Haley Scarnato was boring and dated and a bland(er) version of Katherine McPhee. We've seen this movie before (i.e. last season), and that chic was better. She's cute enough to stay another week, but no one will miss her if she goes now.
9. Melinda Doolittle will in fact do a WHOLE DAMN LOT on this show and beyond. She has arguably the most authentic, powerful, and versatile voice in the competition, which makes up for the fact that she has no neck. She's a wonderful spirit, has Simon on her side, and can break hearts with a voice so dripping with soul I don't know what to do with myself. It was as close to perfect as the performances got last night, and she even was nice enough to turn to the guys during her set to give them some love. Love her. Love her. Don't need her to win -- just need her to put out an album. And although she'll likely go R&B, if I were her manager, I'd put her on the fastrack to gospel stardom IMMEDIATELY, and warn Yolanda Adams that she finally has some competition to worry about. She was born to sing gospel, and I'll die happy eating it right up. Can I get an Amen! Praise her!!
10. Alaina continued to disappoint and probably delivered the pitchiest performance of the night. Not only was the song choice abysmal; her rendition of it was amateur and all over the place. She seemed lost inside it, and that's not good when you're performing a song with about 4 notes in it. Simon summed it up on the "getting by on your looks" tip, but I would be shocked if she doesn't leave us for good after tonight. If she doesn't, it's just a matter of time. And by time I mean 7 days.
11. Gina Glocksen is kind of the more tranny version of Kelly Clarkson, with less talent. Which, last I checked, means her time is ticking on this show. The whole "I'm TIRED of auditioning for American Idol cuz I AM the American Idol" bullsh is no longer appealing or even memorable. She's got a nice tone when she sticks to her deeper register -- I tend to prefer that in a female vocalist anyway -- but not enough all around "Wow" factor to last long in this one. She'll get the lezzy votes though, which should give her the edge to make the final Top 12 in my predictions.
12. Last but farthest from the least, we come to my air, my water, my babymama even though I haven't told her yet, Lakisha Jones. Do I even have to discuss how wondrous, powerful, awesome, great, other-league she is? Good. Cuz I don't want to state the obvious if I don't have to. Instead, let's just gather 'round the TV each week and hold our breaths to hear what she'll do next. The only thing I'll focus on here that may be getting lost in the fray is this woman's genuine humility. It's the humility that you just have, and you can't feign no matter how great an actor you are. She stands there, she listens to whomever is talking to her, she's grateful to be alive, she just wants to sing and sing well, she doesn't ask anyone to love her or hate her or give her another chance. She's just here, happy to sing for more than church pews, happy to talk to her daughter on her 4th birthday, focused, quiet but not aloof, glowing, and natural. Melinda cannot touch whatever inner grace Lakisha was given, bc we're going to be hearing the "It just feels SO GOOD to be a LEAD SINGER NOW!" speech from here on in from Ms. Doolittle. Stephanie is a front-runner as well, but she's just "so comfortable!" on stage, as though she has no reason to be surprised that people love her (that's code for kinda knows she's the shit and y'all betta recognize). Ms. Jones, on the other hand, isn't asking for anything... she's just trying to figure out what she wants to sing next week. They could whisk her away from this competition tomorrow and I'd be touched, bc *that's* what great singers should do and be. She will be good to go from this point on, and while your votes are appreciated and EXPECTED, she really doesn't need them. Finally. Someone who can finally be worthy of the title Idol, not because of talent, but because of character.
So... who will it be tonight people!?!??!!? Betting's on. My votes for DunzoLand:
Men: Sanjaya Something and Sundance Head
Women: Alaina Alexander and Antonella Barba
Until tonight!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
It's Paining Men
So, the show has officially started and AI decided to let the men kick things off this year. Which, if we were watching Season 5, would have been a great thing.. y'know, back when Daughtry and Taylor and EllyEl and even Ace Young chose good songs and ripped it silly like. But instead, we're a year off the mark this time, and have to wade through a pile of suck so high that I'm not sure how I made it to work this morning.
What in God's name were most of the dudes DOING last night?! Now, in a relative sense, we can discuss who was better than someone else on stage, and who has great potential, and so on and so forth. But the fact of the matter is, there are too many great singers in the country to realistically sit here and say that any of that was truly remarkable singing. Even the ones who can theoretically be truly remarkable ranged solely from good to highly upsetting last night. Which leaves me in a state of shock and disbelief as we expect AI to age gracefully like fine wine. Instead, I'll be buying an extra bottle of it next week to pull through the muck that the men have left us to examine.
Fine, so with standards considerably lowered this year for the menses, I'm going to do my best to chop up the good, the bad, and the Sundance Head from last night.
1. Rudy -- There's nothing sadder than seeing a potentially great singer pick the worst song in history to show off his chops. Wait. No, there is something sadder than that. It's watching Rudy hip swing in my face in the most wretched of ways. Was that dancing? Was it supposed to be used as a ploy to make us forget that he sang the most karaoke of karoke songs? I didn't appreciate having to look at it if so. While the performance as a whole was mainly whiny and annoying, he did show about 3/4's in that he does have soul somewhere in that corny chasm of his. Were it not for some of his fellow sucksters, he likely would be the first to pack his bags... not for lack of talent, but for lack of thinking ability. It saddens me even moreso to watch Rudy sink his own ship because he possesses a tenor register so high that most men would sever his limbs off to get a piece of it. In short, you're only born with a chest voice that high for a man. I hope he gets another shot at a better song, but I may be hoping for too much on this one.
2. Here comes Usher's, Christina's, and JT's backup singer Brandon!!!.... .... .. . . . (sorry, my excitement was enjoying a slow and sorrowful death right there). Only to prove under so much hype why he belongs in back. Brandon has the chops, as we've heard before, but he most certainly crippled his own "now you're born to be in front" status by 1) choosing a Michael Jackson song (note: no one who'd like to actually win a singing competition chooses MJ's music as a way to prove their vocal prowess), and 2) sucking on a Michael Jackson song. The runs were the only thing reminding us that he was actually breathing throughout most of it. And once again, the disappointment of seeing a great singer singlehandedly shoot himself in the foot knows no words. And to top it all off, he was off-pitch for a great deal of it. Amazing. Melinda had better have a talk with her Siamese twin and kick him into first gear PRONTO.
3. Then comes Sundance.. the one I've been hoping would wake up for so long now. Instead of sticking to what got him here in the first place (i.e. da blues), he sings what can now be called the WORST SONG CHOICE EVER MADE IN AMERICAN IDOL HISTORY. Seeing as how there was not one redeeming thing about this performance -- not a one -- I'm not going to discuss it anymore. He's gone ... but maybe Sanjaya can braid his chest hair on the trip back to Nonamesville after Sundance is finished braiding his.
4. Paul Kim chose George Michael's best song of all time (although we all know there are FAR TOO MANY great GM songs to really just crown one), and then crapped all over it. Maybe his toes were itching from being barefoot, or maybe he thought trying to invoke the spirit of Joss Stone on stage would help him get more soul. Either way, it didn't work. And then, and THEN, he had the audacity to NOT EVEN HIT the climactic peak of that song of songs, in which anyone singing it had better hit the falsetto accent towards the end. Swing and a miss by Mr. Kim. You'd think he'd at least have mastered that part with all the karaoke he must have practiced leading up to this big gig. Apparently not. And so I say, you're lucky your fellow brethren suck too... but that fact does not excuse you from not belonging here either. See ya!
5. Yeah, so it's true -- Chris Richardson does sound like Alvin when he sings, and he does try to rally off of having good rhythm on stage to win points that he won't get with singing, but the jury still stands. Man is a FINE WHITE BOY and I'll still have dinner with him. No dessert though.. he doesn't sing well enough for all that. Still got my money on this one though. With a slower paced song that will allow him to breathe (and that won't force him to hit more notes than he's ready for), he'll still fly high. You heard it here first. And whenever he does go, we'll still very much enjoy watching him leave. ;)
6. Nick Pedro sang a song, I think. I was too asleep to remember. Was there even a chorus? Was there a verse? Perhaps a bridge then? I dunno.. you tell me. His smokey vibe can win on the right song, but he's not ready for the big time. And I'm sad to say he's going to find that out sooner than later. Sorry Nicky Nick! But for some unexplained reason, he's definitely won points with Simon who most certainly showed strong signs of man crush last night when he went off about how "charming" and "nice" Nick is. Really, focusing on anything other than the singing because that stunk to high heaven. He must send Simon strawberries in the night... and Simon LOVES it cuz it's more than Ry Ry is gettin'. Way to work the Cowell-Seacrest ManWar to your advantage Nickleback! Can't knock the hustle.
7. Blake did exactly what a smart man should do by leaving the beatboxing mess aside. He needs to sing. And for the love of God, don't listen to the Rand who stupidly suggested you bring that back into your sets. Put the box *down*.. and stay right where you are. You sang well, and it had the most relaxed delivery of the night. If it ain't broke, don't fix it! (I wish I could say the same for your face, but I'll accentuate the positive for now).
8. Before Sanjaya even opened his mouth I said "Why is this kid even on here?". And just as I began to think I was being too hard on the kid, he opened his mouth and proved me so right that I ironically did end up feeling bad. That kind of bad you feel when you're surprised by how right you were? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Poor kid. And to sing Stevie of all things? I would knock him more in this blog if I didn't feel so bad for him. He's a goner - but at least this way he can suture himself back onto his sister's hip.
9. Chris Sligh couldn't keep away from the one-two punch jab combo at the end of his judgment by Simon, but at least he made up for awful exterior with great vocal interior. *This* time around. Trust me, the kid won't hit it like that on a consistent basis. He's just a guy who's gonna tackle this competition like he tackles the knots in his bob each week -- "I WILL pick the right song this week! I willl!!!!!! And that way no one will ever realize that I'm kinda a one-dimensional voice looking for two-dimensional faaaaaaammmmmmeeee!!!!". Come on.. we all know he turns into Dracula at night. There's no other way.
10. Jared Cotter is hot.. who knew? If we can just get him to an eyebrow waxer, we'll be able to say that with more conviction. That said, he's got the warmest tone in the pack. Too bad he picked the simplest song ever written. Congratulations! If you can count to five you can sing Brian McKnight's "Back at One"!!! So why are we surprised that Jared can too? He had better travel waaaaay outside that comfort zone to do something even remotely moving next time around. If there is a next time (we all know there are surprises when it comes to voting, and although he's far from the worst, he has no fan base and no screen time aside from last night). Could be his last tune y'all, although I'm hoping not.
11. AJ Tabaldo is still the randomest man alive to me, but I see where SPR are coming from when they swear to us that he can really sing. Too bad I didn't get much of that "really" last night. I appreciated the Luther selection, but he was as forgettable as Jared on his delivery, and didn't give us much to work with as far as "mmph". I need waaaaay more than that to get on this kid's train.. and I mean way. Turn it up man! Or it's gonna be Yawnville for you as well.
12. Phil "No, I really AM an alien y'see" Stacey had the performance of the night. Too bad he also had the shittiest thing that I think we're supposed to call singing of the night too. I'm not sure what he was on for the first 20 seconds of his performance, but it had absolutely NO RELATION to musicality, or pitch intonation, or anything having to do with the word good. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. But, somehow, he woke up halfway through, remembered he was on national television in front of millions, and tore it up in a serious way. If he can just stay in that chest voice zone, and never again return to that ailingly awful headvoice zone, we'll all be very okay. And he'll be extremely okay. Like, all the way there as far as the guys are concerned okay. Too early to tell though. Perhaps by May he'll at least have figured out how to cover that extraterrestrial head of his.
The women will undoubtedly be better tonight, only because there's no way they could be much worse. Until then!!!
What in God's name were most of the dudes DOING last night?! Now, in a relative sense, we can discuss who was better than someone else on stage, and who has great potential, and so on and so forth. But the fact of the matter is, there are too many great singers in the country to realistically sit here and say that any of that was truly remarkable singing. Even the ones who can theoretically be truly remarkable ranged solely from good to highly upsetting last night. Which leaves me in a state of shock and disbelief as we expect AI to age gracefully like fine wine. Instead, I'll be buying an extra bottle of it next week to pull through the muck that the men have left us to examine.
Fine, so with standards considerably lowered this year for the menses, I'm going to do my best to chop up the good, the bad, and the Sundance Head from last night.
1. Rudy -- There's nothing sadder than seeing a potentially great singer pick the worst song in history to show off his chops. Wait. No, there is something sadder than that. It's watching Rudy hip swing in my face in the most wretched of ways. Was that dancing? Was it supposed to be used as a ploy to make us forget that he sang the most karaoke of karoke songs? I didn't appreciate having to look at it if so. While the performance as a whole was mainly whiny and annoying, he did show about 3/4's in that he does have soul somewhere in that corny chasm of his. Were it not for some of his fellow sucksters, he likely would be the first to pack his bags... not for lack of talent, but for lack of thinking ability. It saddens me even moreso to watch Rudy sink his own ship because he possesses a tenor register so high that most men would sever his limbs off to get a piece of it. In short, you're only born with a chest voice that high for a man. I hope he gets another shot at a better song, but I may be hoping for too much on this one.
2. Here comes Usher's, Christina's, and JT's backup singer Brandon!!!.... .... .. . . . (sorry, my excitement was enjoying a slow and sorrowful death right there). Only to prove under so much hype why he belongs in back. Brandon has the chops, as we've heard before, but he most certainly crippled his own "now you're born to be in front" status by 1) choosing a Michael Jackson song (note: no one who'd like to actually win a singing competition chooses MJ's music as a way to prove their vocal prowess), and 2) sucking on a Michael Jackson song. The runs were the only thing reminding us that he was actually breathing throughout most of it. And once again, the disappointment of seeing a great singer singlehandedly shoot himself in the foot knows no words. And to top it all off, he was off-pitch for a great deal of it. Amazing. Melinda had better have a talk with her Siamese twin and kick him into first gear PRONTO.
3. Then comes Sundance.. the one I've been hoping would wake up for so long now. Instead of sticking to what got him here in the first place (i.e. da blues), he sings what can now be called the WORST SONG CHOICE EVER MADE IN AMERICAN IDOL HISTORY. Seeing as how there was not one redeeming thing about this performance -- not a one -- I'm not going to discuss it anymore. He's gone ... but maybe Sanjaya can braid his chest hair on the trip back to Nonamesville after Sundance is finished braiding his.
4. Paul Kim chose George Michael's best song of all time (although we all know there are FAR TOO MANY great GM songs to really just crown one), and then crapped all over it. Maybe his toes were itching from being barefoot, or maybe he thought trying to invoke the spirit of Joss Stone on stage would help him get more soul. Either way, it didn't work. And then, and THEN, he had the audacity to NOT EVEN HIT the climactic peak of that song of songs, in which anyone singing it had better hit the falsetto accent towards the end. Swing and a miss by Mr. Kim. You'd think he'd at least have mastered that part with all the karaoke he must have practiced leading up to this big gig. Apparently not. And so I say, you're lucky your fellow brethren suck too... but that fact does not excuse you from not belonging here either. See ya!
5. Yeah, so it's true -- Chris Richardson does sound like Alvin when he sings, and he does try to rally off of having good rhythm on stage to win points that he won't get with singing, but the jury still stands. Man is a FINE WHITE BOY and I'll still have dinner with him. No dessert though.. he doesn't sing well enough for all that. Still got my money on this one though. With a slower paced song that will allow him to breathe (and that won't force him to hit more notes than he's ready for), he'll still fly high. You heard it here first. And whenever he does go, we'll still very much enjoy watching him leave. ;)
6. Nick Pedro sang a song, I think. I was too asleep to remember. Was there even a chorus? Was there a verse? Perhaps a bridge then? I dunno.. you tell me. His smokey vibe can win on the right song, but he's not ready for the big time. And I'm sad to say he's going to find that out sooner than later. Sorry Nicky Nick! But for some unexplained reason, he's definitely won points with Simon who most certainly showed strong signs of man crush last night when he went off about how "charming" and "nice" Nick is. Really, focusing on anything other than the singing because that stunk to high heaven. He must send Simon strawberries in the night... and Simon LOVES it cuz it's more than Ry Ry is gettin'. Way to work the Cowell-Seacrest ManWar to your advantage Nickleback! Can't knock the hustle.
7. Blake did exactly what a smart man should do by leaving the beatboxing mess aside. He needs to sing. And for the love of God, don't listen to the Rand who stupidly suggested you bring that back into your sets. Put the box *down*.. and stay right where you are. You sang well, and it had the most relaxed delivery of the night. If it ain't broke, don't fix it! (I wish I could say the same for your face, but I'll accentuate the positive for now).
8. Before Sanjaya even opened his mouth I said "Why is this kid even on here?". And just as I began to think I was being too hard on the kid, he opened his mouth and proved me so right that I ironically did end up feeling bad. That kind of bad you feel when you're surprised by how right you were? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Poor kid. And to sing Stevie of all things? I would knock him more in this blog if I didn't feel so bad for him. He's a goner - but at least this way he can suture himself back onto his sister's hip.
9. Chris Sligh couldn't keep away from the one-two punch jab combo at the end of his judgment by Simon, but at least he made up for awful exterior with great vocal interior. *This* time around. Trust me, the kid won't hit it like that on a consistent basis. He's just a guy who's gonna tackle this competition like he tackles the knots in his bob each week -- "I WILL pick the right song this week! I willl!!!!!! And that way no one will ever realize that I'm kinda a one-dimensional voice looking for two-dimensional faaaaaaammmmmmeeee!!!!". Come on.. we all know he turns into Dracula at night. There's no other way.
10. Jared Cotter is hot.. who knew? If we can just get him to an eyebrow waxer, we'll be able to say that with more conviction. That said, he's got the warmest tone in the pack. Too bad he picked the simplest song ever written. Congratulations! If you can count to five you can sing Brian McKnight's "Back at One"!!! So why are we surprised that Jared can too? He had better travel waaaaay outside that comfort zone to do something even remotely moving next time around. If there is a next time (we all know there are surprises when it comes to voting, and although he's far from the worst, he has no fan base and no screen time aside from last night). Could be his last tune y'all, although I'm hoping not.
11. AJ Tabaldo is still the randomest man alive to me, but I see where SPR are coming from when they swear to us that he can really sing. Too bad I didn't get much of that "really" last night. I appreciated the Luther selection, but he was as forgettable as Jared on his delivery, and didn't give us much to work with as far as "mmph". I need waaaaay more than that to get on this kid's train.. and I mean way. Turn it up man! Or it's gonna be Yawnville for you as well.
12. Phil "No, I really AM an alien y'see" Stacey had the performance of the night. Too bad he also had the shittiest thing that I think we're supposed to call singing of the night too. I'm not sure what he was on for the first 20 seconds of his performance, but it had absolutely NO RELATION to musicality, or pitch intonation, or anything having to do with the word good. Nothing. Zero. Zilch. But, somehow, he woke up halfway through, remembered he was on national television in front of millions, and tore it up in a serious way. If he can just stay in that chest voice zone, and never again return to that ailingly awful headvoice zone, we'll all be very okay. And he'll be extremely okay. Like, all the way there as far as the guys are concerned okay. Too early to tell though. Perhaps by May he'll at least have figured out how to cover that extraterrestrial head of his.
The women will undoubtedly be better tonight, only because there's no way they could be much worse. Until then!!!
Friday, February 16, 2007
Let the Games Begin... With the Not-ley Crew
First off, let me apologize for not writing about last week's auditions. To be honest I had many chances to discuss various moments in both shows last week, but all in all, nothing stood out enough aside from 3 Chippettes on roller skates to keep my attention for all that long. Well, to be fair, there WAS one highlight -- the Janis Joplin look-alike biker chick who can undoubtedly break me with her pinky toe on a bad day. Her name was Tami, and I loved the original vibe that came through her. It was old school, it was nouveau rock-inspired smoky shit, and I want to hear that voice on a record sometime. But, as luck would have it, SPR once again made shitty (and I mean SHITTY) decisions come Hollywood week, and now I have to pretend to care about randomites like AJ Tabaldo (what?) and Leslie Hunt (I say what???). Damn it. As the biggest fan of this great reality show, I must come clean and say I was astonished by some of their final 24 picks, and now have to live with the fact that I think a lot of good ones got away from us this time. Not to mention the somewhat unsettling fact that there isn't one person who has so much talent and glow about them that I'm cheering for them all the way through. Then again, it wasn't until my hubby E-Double (that's short for Yamin if you know what I mean) sang on week 2 of voting last year that I realized what beautiful singin' chillin' he and I were going to have. There are some great singers in the pack, as always, but no standouts, no "WOW!"s, no "y'know... s/he's really really original and I'm feelin' that vibe". There's just good, great, and painfully underaverage and only there because they're good looking or have an Indian sister that we're supposed to follow throughout the show because he got through and she didn't. Me no likey. Me not likey one bit.
But, instead of sitting here and wondering 1) why the hell were they jonesing on the cute chic on rollerskates last week?, or 2) where the HELL DID JENRI GO!?!?!??!?! (I bet he backed out before going to Hollywood, bc if you noticed, they never show one clip of the boy), or 3) why does SPR continue to disappoint in the decision chairs when it comes to crunch time... I'll stick to analyzing the pickins we've been left to cheer for, and why some may make my nights worthwhile. Did I mention them pickins are slim? No Frenchies, no Fantasias, no George Huffs, Daughtrys, or the like. No ORIGINALS. And no, dear Blake, beat-boxing doth not make thee original in a singing competition. Believe it or not, most dudes can beatbox like you, and some even manage to do it without looking like they fell in a tub of N'Sync's mousse.
Ugh. But we must make good with what we have -- as the sages always say "Who is wise? He who is content with his lot." Never before have I had to grin and bear the truth of that statement as far as AI goes like this year. But I'm 6 years strong and counting, so I'm gonna be happy with my mainly uninspiring lot.
And so, on with some analysis:
But, instead of sitting here and wondering 1) why the hell were they jonesing on the cute chic on rollerskates last week?, or 2) where the HELL DID JENRI GO!?!?!??!?! (I bet he backed out before going to Hollywood, bc if you noticed, they never show one clip of the boy), or 3) why does SPR continue to disappoint in the decision chairs when it comes to crunch time... I'll stick to analyzing the pickins we've been left to cheer for, and why some may make my nights worthwhile. Did I mention them pickins are slim? No Frenchies, no Fantasias, no George Huffs, Daughtrys, or the like. No ORIGINALS. And no, dear Blake, beat-boxing doth not make thee original in a singing competition. Believe it or not, most dudes can beatbox like you, and some even manage to do it without looking like they fell in a tub of N'Sync's mousse.
Ugh. But we must make good with what we have -- as the sages always say "Who is wise? He who is content with his lot." Never before have I had to grin and bear the truth of that statement as far as AI goes like this year. But I'm 6 years strong and counting, so I'm gonna be happy with my mainly uninspiring lot.
And so, on with some analysis:
As I said before, I know Alaina Alexander -- she and I share producers and crews of people out in LA. Therefore, for personal reasons, I'm happy for her success. But, now that I've gotten the niceties out of the way, I can say what I'd really say if I didn't happen to know the girl and how hard she's been trying to get major label attention (like so many of us) over the years. It is APPALLING that SPR chose her over so many other good singers we heard on last night's show. I was hoping that despite her weak first audition clip, she would show and prove in the Hollywood rounds to earn a spot in the 24. Sadly, she sounded even more amateur than last time we heard her, and I truly felt that something was UP when SPR decided to move her into the final pack. Not only did her rendition of Mariah's rendition of Badfinger's "Without You" sound like karaoke, it sounded like *bad* karaoke. It just wasn't. I'm sorry honey, this isn't gonna cut it. And as AI continues to congratulate the less-talented pretty, the more my patience begins to wane.
In that vein, the same goes for this chick. But what's crazy is that she's not only prettier than AA (from the right angles), but may even be a better singer (maybe). The fact that the difference could very well be negligible does not bode well for either of these little ladies. I'll be tired within 2-3 weeks. If I have to continue to discuss this beyond 6 weeks, I'll be comatose. It also doesn't help that her contestant pic makes her look like a schoolteacher. Or a Crest Whitening Strips girl. Either way, that's not the move when your sole move on being on the show is being hot.
On a more positive note, I do think that Chris may be an unexpected front-runner in this competition. We haven't heard much from him, but he's got star written all over him. My prediction before anyone else says it: I think this kid may break through in a very real way once shit starts to heat up. Watch this space. (To which I say gladly, not only bc he looks EXACTLY like an ex of mine, but also bc he's talented and adorable.
He'll do when late night memories of Jenri fade away.)
He'll do when late night memories of Jenri fade away.)Yes boy. You're gonna kill it a few times and back again. So will your equally lovely backup singer yin-to-your-yang Melinda. Can't wait to see these 2 rip it up and slap it silly.
That said, the crowing vocal achievements this year will most likely be offered by Miss Lakisha Jones. I want her in my life both on stage and off. She just shines and actually 
sings like nobody's God damn biznatch. Please give me hope sista girl. I wanna cry and jump up and down at least 3 times this season. If you can make me do it more than that, I'll officially reconsider my babymaking offer currently on the table for Mr. Yamin. Sundance may also give us hope, if he pulls it together a lot better than he did in Hollywood. I'm still a big fan, but it's too early to know whether he'll get the job done like I know he can.
sings like nobody's God damn biznatch. Please give me hope sista girl. I wanna cry and jump up and down at least 3 times this season. If you can make me do it more than that, I'll officially reconsider my babymaking offer currently on the table for Mr. Yamin. Sundance may also give us hope, if he pulls it together a lot better than he did in Hollywood. I'm still a big fan, but it's too early to know whether he'll get the job done like I know he can.
As for Rudy, I literally thought NOTHING OF HIM in first-round auditions, but when they showed him singing the SHIT out of his solo in Hollywood last night, I almost grew wings. If the boy has chops like that all the way through this competition, he will shine brightly. I was floored last night by what he was able to do (especially with his high tenor falsettos and control).. but is he one of those hit-or-miss type guys? Wouldn't be surprised if he were. As for now, however, I'm warm to him and wish him very good luck (for selfish reasons, of course).
The others are a bunch of "why you?"'s, or Football Stars' daughters (16-year-old Sparks), or Sanjayahs who have a cute exterior and nothing much in the way of vocal depth, originality, or power. I'm happy to see their love for Mr. Kim, as there has long been a dearth of Asian successes on the show (and no, William Hung does *not* count). Chris Sligh is deadpan funny, and probably watched enough Simpsons episodes to think it a good idea to borrow Sideshow Bob's bob, but personality will NOT get him all the way there. Not even close. He better come to play on stage, or his Family Guy cracks are going to make it that much easier to say "Awww, he seems like a nice guy" when Ryan whisks his ass away from the competition.
Should be interesting!!! Place your bets? For now, I'm going to look forward to my choice few and try to forget the disappointments in this latest cast of characters. The one silver lining in all this, though, is that America finally has some remote control -- so SPR can stop shitting all over my experience. Food for thought: who cuts 17-year-old diva Tatiana and keeps the Barbie dolls in this year's 24? Who? Why? When?
In 2007 apparently -- when "My Humps" wins Grammys and mediocre has become the new "hot shit". Nothin' we can do people! So let's stay intent on staying content this run through.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
No To Hollywood
Can someone please explain to me what it is that makes this show redeeming in the end? I know that come showtime, I'm going to be excited about some people - I hope. But as it stands now, there have been so few standouts on this year's Idol that I feel less and less hopeful that the show will in fact age gracefully. Although most of us keep saying "they must be saving the great ones for Hollywood, they must be..." the hope of that being the case dwindles with each passing show, and L.A. was certainly no exception. But I'll get to that in a minute. First, we had Birmingham, and I was sad to say more people got me crunk in Memphis than in the Great Idol State this year.
First off, I'm still having uncomfortably intense nightmares about the Cousin Its who let their flowing locks grace the stage -- literally -- on Tuesday night. Don't they realize what advantages may come from getting rid of those heads of hell? They could open their own fine wig shop, or donate it to numerous causes, all the while making them appear more human in the process. Ugh. I'd like to discuss this monstrous mother-daughter duo at more length, but it seems they've already got that covered. I just can't.. the horror. The hairrrrrror.
So, instead, I go to a much brighter star, who once again showed that the youngin's may take over AI this year. 17-year-old performing arts highschooler, Tatiana McConnico, has a big ass voice, in a tiny ass body. She's like Paris, only less stylized, which depending on your aural preferences is better or worse. Paris, a rare young talent from Season 5, had the chops indeed, but also covered her notes too often for (my) comfort -- thus making her voice sound questionable in parts as opposed to big, open, and clear. Tatiana, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have that problem.. but the song she chose didn't require much sustaining. It was more an attitude/power/verve-type rendition that shows she's got range and volume. But does she have bigtime ballad in her? We'll have to wait and see. I love her though -- she seems cool, calm, and refreshingly humble for a change.
One thing Paris was also famous for last year was having a speaking voice that greatly differed from that of her singing voice. Once again, the ghost of Paris past was in the building, as a quirky blonde who sounds like Elmo graced us with the most squeamish-sounding speaking voice ever to have been bestowed on (wo)man. Unlike Paris, Katie Bernard's speaking voice is not cute or endearing. It is, however, stationed somewhere too close to hell to be viable for very long on this show. She seems sweet, but she sounds like a cornet, and I'm hoping she heads home with her equally sweet-seeming tubby hubby so that I can hear properly when back in the office on Wednesdays.
Now, the side-show bobbed white guy was charming and funny for about 88% percent of his spiel, but that doesn't mean he was as good as Paula's coked-out ass wanted to think. What the hell was she on? She couldn't even sit still -- and a standing OVATION!?! You've got to be kidding me. He's endearing, and could fill that "how'd he make it to the Top 10?" slot this year.. but most importantly, he's as overrated as most of the ones we've seen get through. It doesn't bode well if he's what we're expected to get gung-ho about this year.
Anyhoo, Birmingham's relative disappointment leaves me with no other choice that to move on to Wednesday's Los Angeles auditions. The best of the worst audition of ALL TIME unequivocally goes to "Eccentric", who somehow escaped the psych ward long enough to strip before us and go panther on national television. Hands down, that was the best bad audition to date and neither my eyes nor ears will ever fully recover. The shirtlessness of it all, the growling on all fours, the bandana, the scrap book of "cds" that "he's made", the love-spreading... all of it was just so poptastically bad that no one in the last 6 years of this show has even come close to half of that kind of entertainment. The cherry on top was the fact that Olivia Newton John is apparently less capable of being mean that Paula Abdul -- and at least gave him a vote for being original. Man, those Aussies know how to pack a punch, don't they?
(**NEW ADDITION: In honor of this most memorable moment in TV history, I've included a link to the audition. Be on the lookout for more video clips as the weeks go by: http://axiomsun.com/home/video/american_idol_reject_-_eccentric.html)
Now, it'd be one thing if that kind of embrassment was matched by an equally stunning amount of talent this year, but thus far, it has not been the case. I happen to know Alaina Alexander, who sadly was seriously average and underwhelming in her audition last night (we share production teams), but once again, Simon pops a willy and wants to take her out for dinner sometime -- oh, sorry, I mean -- wants to see her back in the Hollywood rounds. Good Lord... is that where we've come to? SPR, buck the hell up or i'm gonna throw the hell up. Mind you, Brandon -- who sang backup for Xtina Aguilera and Anastasia -- was nothing but blazing last night, so that made up for some slack. Who knows, maybe he and the female backup singer from Memphis will hook up. If 2 good backup singers do the nasty, does that make for 1 lead vocalist offspring? That'd be nice. Awwww. Go black backup love.
Anyway, I almost slit my wrists when they told me there are more auditions to sit through next week in San Antonio, but fine. I've stopped getting my hopes up, but who knows, maybe that's exactly what will make the talent pool grow exponentially in size by next week. Cuz it needs to, and how. We could have a knockout Top 12 nevertheless, but there should really be a knockout Top 250 by this point, and we're not even close to that point. It's a sadder state of affairs when it comes to memorable singers this year in auditions, and judging by the fact that every past season has shown the ultimate winner's audition in the early rounds, I'm not so sure the "they're hiding them for Hollywood" mantra is going to bode so well. Sigh, if I wasn't already yawning so much, I'd ask Eliot to come sing me to sleep.
Oh fiiiiine, I'll ask him anyway.
First off, I'm still having uncomfortably intense nightmares about the Cousin Its who let their flowing locks grace the stage -- literally -- on Tuesday night. Don't they realize what advantages may come from getting rid of those heads of hell? They could open their own fine wig shop, or donate it to numerous causes, all the while making them appear more human in the process. Ugh. I'd like to discuss this monstrous mother-daughter duo at more length, but it seems they've already got that covered. I just can't.. the horror. The hairrrrrror.
So, instead, I go to a much brighter star, who once again showed that the youngin's may take over AI this year. 17-year-old performing arts highschooler, Tatiana McConnico, has a big ass voice, in a tiny ass body. She's like Paris, only less stylized, which depending on your aural preferences is better or worse. Paris, a rare young talent from Season 5, had the chops indeed, but also covered her notes too often for (my) comfort -- thus making her voice sound questionable in parts as opposed to big, open, and clear. Tatiana, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have that problem.. but the song she chose didn't require much sustaining. It was more an attitude/power/verve-type rendition that shows she's got range and volume. But does she have bigtime ballad in her? We'll have to wait and see. I love her though -- she seems cool, calm, and refreshingly humble for a change.
One thing Paris was also famous for last year was having a speaking voice that greatly differed from that of her singing voice. Once again, the ghost of Paris past was in the building, as a quirky blonde who sounds like Elmo graced us with the most squeamish-sounding speaking voice ever to have been bestowed on (wo)man. Unlike Paris, Katie Bernard's speaking voice is not cute or endearing. It is, however, stationed somewhere too close to hell to be viable for very long on this show. She seems sweet, but she sounds like a cornet, and I'm hoping she heads home with her equally sweet-seeming tubby hubby so that I can hear properly when back in the office on Wednesdays.
Now, the side-show bobbed white guy was charming and funny for about 88% percent of his spiel, but that doesn't mean he was as good as Paula's coked-out ass wanted to think. What the hell was she on? She couldn't even sit still -- and a standing OVATION!?! You've got to be kidding me. He's endearing, and could fill that "how'd he make it to the Top 10?" slot this year.. but most importantly, he's as overrated as most of the ones we've seen get through. It doesn't bode well if he's what we're expected to get gung-ho about this year.
Anyhoo, Birmingham's relative disappointment leaves me with no other choice that to move on to Wednesday's Los Angeles auditions. The best of the worst audition of ALL TIME unequivocally goes to "Eccentric", who somehow escaped the psych ward long enough to strip before us and go panther on national television. Hands down, that was the best bad audition to date and neither my eyes nor ears will ever fully recover. The shirtlessness of it all, the growling on all fours, the bandana, the scrap book of "cds" that "he's made", the love-spreading... all of it was just so poptastically bad that no one in the last 6 years of this show has even come close to half of that kind of entertainment. The cherry on top was the fact that Olivia Newton John is apparently less capable of being mean that Paula Abdul -- and at least gave him a vote for being original. Man, those Aussies know how to pack a punch, don't they?
(**NEW ADDITION: In honor of this most memorable moment in TV history, I've included a link to the audition. Be on the lookout for more video clips as the weeks go by: http://axiomsun.com/home/video/american_idol_reject_-_eccentric.html)
Now, it'd be one thing if that kind of embrassment was matched by an equally stunning amount of talent this year, but thus far, it has not been the case. I happen to know Alaina Alexander, who sadly was seriously average and underwhelming in her audition last night (we share production teams), but once again, Simon pops a willy and wants to take her out for dinner sometime -- oh, sorry, I mean -- wants to see her back in the Hollywood rounds. Good Lord... is that where we've come to? SPR, buck the hell up or i'm gonna throw the hell up. Mind you, Brandon -- who sang backup for Xtina Aguilera and Anastasia -- was nothing but blazing last night, so that made up for some slack. Who knows, maybe he and the female backup singer from Memphis will hook up. If 2 good backup singers do the nasty, does that make for 1 lead vocalist offspring? That'd be nice. Awwww. Go black backup love.
Anyway, I almost slit my wrists when they told me there are more auditions to sit through next week in San Antonio, but fine. I've stopped getting my hopes up, but who knows, maybe that's exactly what will make the talent pool grow exponentially in size by next week. Cuz it needs to, and how. We could have a knockout Top 12 nevertheless, but there should really be a knockout Top 250 by this point, and we're not even close to that point. It's a sadder state of affairs when it comes to memorable singers this year in auditions, and judging by the fact that every past season has shown the ultimate winner's audition in the early rounds, I'm not so sure the "they're hiding them for Hollywood" mantra is going to bode so well. Sigh, if I wasn't already yawning so much, I'd ask Eliot to come sing me to sleep.
Oh fiiiiine, I'll ask him anyway.
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