No To Hollywood

Can someone please explain to me what it is that makes this show redeeming in the end? I know that come showtime, I'm going to be excited about some people - I hope. But as it stands now, there have been so few standouts on this year's Idol that I feel less and less hopeful that the show will in fact age gracefully. Although most of us keep saying "they must be saving the great ones for Hollywood, they must be..." the hope of that being the case dwindles with each passing show, and L.A. was certainly no exception. But I'll get to that in a minute. First, we had Birmingham, and I was sad to say more people got me crunk in Memphis than in the Great Idol State this year.

First off, I'm still having uncomfortably intense nightmares about the Cousin Its who let their flowing locks grace the stage -- literally -- on Tuesday night. Don't they realize what advantages may come from getting rid of those heads of hell? They could open their own fine wig shop, or donate it to numerous causes, all the while making them appear more human in the process. Ugh. I'd like to discuss this monstrous mother-daughter duo at more length, but it seems they've already got that covered. I just can't.. the horror. The hairrrrrror.

So, instead, I go to a much brighter star, who once again showed that the youngin's may take over AI this year. 17-year-old performing arts highschooler, Tatiana McConnico, has a big ass voice, in a tiny ass body. She's like Paris, only less stylized, which depending on your aural preferences is better or worse. Paris, a rare young talent from Season 5, had the chops indeed, but also covered her notes too often for (my) comfort -- thus making her voice sound questionable in parts as opposed to big, open, and clear. Tatiana, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have that problem.. but the song she chose didn't require much sustaining. It was more an attitude/power/verve-type rendition that shows she's got range and volume. But does she have bigtime ballad in her? We'll have to wait and see. I love her though -- she seems cool, calm, and refreshingly humble for a change.

One thing Paris was also famous for last year was having a speaking voice that greatly differed from that of her singing voice. Once again, the ghost of Paris past was in the building, as a quirky blonde who sounds like Elmo graced us with the most squeamish-sounding speaking voice ever to have been bestowed on (wo)man. Unlike Paris, Katie Bernard's speaking voice is not cute or endearing. It is, however, stationed somewhere too close to hell to be viable for very long on this show. She seems sweet, but she sounds like a cornet, and I'm hoping she heads home with her equally sweet-seeming tubby hubby so that I can hear properly when back in the office on Wednesdays.

Now, the side-show bobbed white guy was charming and funny for about 88% percent of his spiel, but that doesn't mean he was as good as Paula's coked-out ass wanted to think. What the hell was she on? She couldn't even sit still -- and a standing OVATION!?! You've got to be kidding me. He's endearing, and could fill that "how'd he make it to the Top 10?" slot this year.. but most importantly, he's as overrated as most of the ones we've seen get through. It doesn't bode well if he's what we're expected to get gung-ho about this year.

Anyhoo, Birmingham's relative disappointment leaves me with no other choice that to move on to Wednesday's Los Angeles auditions. The best of the worst audition of ALL TIME unequivocally goes to "Eccentric", who somehow escaped the psych ward long enough to strip before us and go panther on national television. Hands down, that was the best bad audition to date and neither my eyes nor ears will ever fully recover. The shirtlessness of it all, the growling on all fours, the bandana, the scrap book of "cds" that "he's made", the love-spreading... all of it was just so poptastically bad that no one in the last 6 years of this show has even come close to half of that kind of entertainment. The cherry on top was the fact that Olivia Newton John is apparently less capable of being mean that Paula Abdul -- and at least gave him a vote for being original. Man, those Aussies know how to pack a punch, don't they?

(**NEW ADDITION: In honor of this most memorable moment in TV history, I've included a link to the audition. Be on the lookout for more video clips as the weeks go by: http://axiomsun.com/home/video/american_idol_reject_-_eccentric.html)

Now, it'd be one thing if that kind of embrassment was matched by an equally stunning amount of talent this year, but thus far, it has not been the case. I happen to know Alaina Alexander, who sadly was seriously average and underwhelming in her audition last night (we share production teams), but once again, Simon pops a willy and wants to take her out for dinner sometime -- oh, sorry, I mean -- wants to see her back in the Hollywood rounds. Good Lord... is that where we've come to? SPR, buck the hell up or i'm gonna throw the hell up. Mind you, Brandon -- who sang backup for Xtina Aguilera and Anastasia -- was nothing but blazing last night, so that made up for some slack. Who knows, maybe he and the female backup singer from Memphis will hook up. If 2 good backup singers do the nasty, does that make for 1 lead vocalist offspring? That'd be nice. Awwww. Go black backup love.

Anyway, I almost slit my wrists when they told me there are more auditions to sit through next week in San Antonio, but fine. I've stopped getting my hopes up, but who knows, maybe that's exactly what will make the talent pool grow exponentially in size by next week. Cuz it needs to, and how. We could have a knockout Top 12 nevertheless, but there should really be a knockout Top 250 by this point, and we're not even close to that point. It's a sadder state of affairs when it comes to memorable singers this year in auditions, and judging by the fact that every past season has shown the ultimate winner's audition in the early rounds, I'm not so sure the "they're hiding them for Hollywood" mantra is going to bode so well. Sigh, if I wasn't already yawning so much, I'd ask Eliot to come sing me to sleep.

Oh fiiiiine, I'll ask him anyway.