Three's a Charm

Well, now that I'm no longer emotionally invested in how American Idol shakes out this year, it's easier to focus on much more important things at hand. Like the fact that my musical husband, Elliot "E Double L" Yamin is performing live in concert here in New York next Tuesday night, and I'll be in attendance, along with my other Yamin-obsessed friends who know he's a truer American Idol than anyone vying for the crown this year. That's not to take anything away from how solidly the 3 remaining karaokers sang last night, but it is helpful when putting things in perspective. Everywhere I go, people seem at best neutral and at worst despondent about how the contestants have panned out this year on the show. The singers who are participating have undeniable talent, and Blake is clearly a phenomenal trapeze artist just waiting to happen. But there's no movement, the stuff that makes you tear up, care about who's singing, care about their story, their hope for the crown, the graceful imperfections that made past winners so sincerely lovable. It's too bad - given that AI is surely at its pinnacle as far as ratings go - that they couldn't have done a better job of letting in the great along with the almost-great. It skews many unsuspecting viewers' notions of what truly inspiring singers sound like, while 12 months ago, that was never a problem. But hey, the trifecta put on the brass knuckles in spots, enough to make it entertaining enough. I do wonder though, if they were to reprise "Three's Company", who would be Cindy and who would be Janet? Oh forget it, as long as Simon plays Mr. Roper, I'm game.

So, somehow three people managed to make 9 songs happen last night, to varying degrees of quality. And while there's no question Blake is the one thing that's not like the others, he managed to camouflage his horribleness just enough to make the results show tonight somewhat interesting. Calling it a nail-biter would be pushing it, but hey, he was more memorable than Jordin 2 out of 3 times, and if you're memorable, you're usually in very good shape on a show like this. It helped that the SPR-Lewis merger was still in full effect last night, but I'll get to that insanity in a minute.

Without further ado, I bring you a recap of what the threebies managed to do without having to worry about Lakisha anymore. And yes, in case you're wondering, we're doing just fine. Thank you for asking.

1. Jordin finally got the wardrobe choices right this time, which is really her main selling point if she's ever to oust The Doo. Her first vocal was spot-on, aside from a few wavering lines in the beginning which I will graciously cast away as first-slot nerves. See? Aren't I nice? Yeah, you know I am. Aside from taking a few lines to settle in, she made it work and really didn't mess up anywhere. But Simon's choice was most definitely too boring and safe for her, not to mention too old. Perhaps he gave her that song because he wants Melinda to win, or because he thought she'd youngify it in some interesting way, or both. But as smooth as it was, it didn't glisten in the memory bank, and that's where the money's gotta go at this stage. Yet, by the look of her dad's game face, you could tell he had given her the key x's and o's before sending his girl out on to the field. The insane fire in his eyes that still prevents the man from ever smiling summed up what I know had to be his sideline pep talk for Jordy backstage: y'know, how Melinda and Blake were likely planning a weakside blitz and that going long into man coverage would be fine; they'd find a way to get her the BALL, damnit! So help him they will! As long as he didn't pat his own daughter on the ass, I'm okay with it.

2. Then Blake came on stage and tried to convince himself that he was Sting. Like he's tried to convince us this entire ride that he's a singer. Cute. The cavemanic yawning came back in spots, only to be replaced with shouting in others. Oh, and then he managed the mind-boggling feat of singing in roughly 4 different keys at a midway stop. It all happened so fast that my neck cramps couldn't even keep up with it. But Paula did in fact pick a great style of song for him, which really is the only reason they still keep her on this show; she's always good for coming through at judges' picks time. That said, let me give you a comparative reference when thinking about how she reacted to Blake, versus how she reacted when Elliot sang her song choice last year. 2006? Tears and a sincere struggle to convey how much she understood his power as an artist, to express how much his singing and story moved her. 2007? Lisa Simpson clapping. Moving right the hell on once again.

3. With her first selection of the night, Melinda did the unthinkable. She somehow managed to purge all the hatred she had undoubtedly amassed for Randy Jackson after hearing what he forced her to sing, which helped her avoid violently gnawing off his head during her first go onstage. The SECOND the first of Whitney's insanely yet subtly difficult chords dropped, I in turn dropped my head in shame. Now, I have known for a long time that the Rand has slept with several men and women in recent weeks to help Blake advance as far as he has. But to then go so far as to throw "I Believe in You and Me" at Melinda Doolittle, at this pivotal point in the competition... I swear I saw the horns poking out of his forehead as she bowed to his satanic orders. WHO IN GOD'S NAME ASSIGNS THAT KIND OF A WHITNEY HOUSTON SONG TO MELINDA DOOLITTLE?!?!? WHO???!! After weeks and weeks of telling her how much she's her very own Tina Turner revival, after seeing how raw and soulful her jazz/gospel delivery is... you throw her the cryptonite and tell her to sound like Whitney in her heydey. It's like telling gravel to turn into ice cream. Except that it's really, really, exceptionally talented gravel. But gravel all the same. She's a rough and tough singer, a howler, a power phraser; NOT a smooth and soaring balladeer. Simply put, imagine if the Prince of Egypt soundtrackers had asked Tina Turner to sing "When You Believe" alongside Mariah instead. Go ahead. Listen to that in your head. And no, I won't wipe up your vomit for you. Randy's an ASSHOLE for hitting below the belt, and LindyLoo did the best she could, which wasn't really outstanding like she can be. And, not surprisingly, the Rand confessed his sins in his remarks, saying he wanted to throw some "difficulty" her way. That's dawgspeak for "I really want Blake to win this so I can get my bonus". F you, Rand. F to the You. Luckily though, Simon put his cape on, fists on hips, chest and too-tight tee up and out, and came to the rescue with healthy praise and a Round 1 victory vote. He knew what was going on, and we all know Simon loves black women too much to let Shmandy rain on his parade.

4. Jordy came back and sang about working hard for money. Then Paula basically called her a stripper while attempting to make a bad pun. What's new. She sang it well, and ended it rather awesomely, but also looked highly uncomfortable in the gold pumps they put her in. As if that girl needs to be any taller. But I know it was for slimming reasons more than any other. Trouble is, as Simon correctly pointed out, it wasn't memorable, it was 80's in the dated way, and it didn't show us why she's so fresh and so clean clean. Which she HAS to do in order to win this thing. She's not cute enough to ride on looks alone, and luckily she's got a badass voice as long as she's not going low. Ever. Hey, maybe when she's a star we can nickname her NoLo. And then she and JLo do a duet. And by duet I mean Jenny from the Block can be a background dancer and Jordy can sing. And by duet I also mean that Jenny can be in the video cuz she's galaxies hotter, and Jordy can just be a random, unpersonified voice. Damn. I'm being mean again. Oh well. Nice had it's paragraph.

5. Blake came on and did the song he was meant to do, and it SHOCKED ME beyond measure that he had yet to perform that song until then. He sounded as much like someone who would amputate quite a few limbs to be Adam Levine, and made it work. It was a perfect song choice for him, and he finally used beatboxing in an unoffensive manner, which I greatly, vastly, appreciated. I was buying it for the first time since - oh wait, he's never made me buy anything, especially not out of that damned inside jacket pocket of his. But I gave it a green light this go 'round, and for once saw how he could advance past this round, even if the world quickly cracks in half as a result.

6. Then Melinda came on and smacked it silly. So much so that I'm pretty convinced she was actually trying to warp time and space into the form of a quantum spatial smack that would quickly send Randiculous to some cold, lonely street corner. She was perfect, she was authentic, she was powerful, and she couldn't give 1 shit whether anybody watching knew the song. Of course, we who know that Tina Turner was likely Hera in a past life knows it, but I'm sure all those folks who were cheering on Blake and the Mayor back in Randomtown, Washington don't. Didn't matter. She showed such range between the first and second go-rounds, and made no mistake about who's on top and why. In a word, KILLA.

7. As if we hadn't had enough already, the trio returned for their own selections, which really weren't going to go wrong, obviously. Jordizzle went to what she knows would work, namely "I Who Have Nothing", which skyrocketed her to legitimate contender status many weeks ago. I underscore the word many here because that was the last time she did that convincingly, but whatever. She blasted it out the park, because she knows an easy touchdown when she see it. My *only* wish was that she had not gone handheld with the mic this time around. If you remember, when she sang it the first time, she did what always works best for her: singing a big ballad, with arms at sides, and mic stand right in front of her. This time, the freedom of the mic got in the way of the intensity of the song, and she moved around to convey emotion instead of sucking us in. And trust me, being sucked in is always more memorable than being sung *at*. But that's so minor even I need to wrap this point up, because it was by far her best of the night, and nothing but a pleasure to hear her highlight her strengths without letting any of her weaknesses poke through.

8. Blake did the hotness, also known as Robin Thicke's "Get You Alone", and actually made it work, in some weird, not-nearly-as-good-as-the-original way. What helps is that most people have no clue how Robin sings the original, and he likely spoke to his man, ChrissyPoo, beforehand, who naturally told him that the more uptempo and loud one's song, the better. I finally agreed with Rando - his second selection was stronger - but this one gave him an opportunity to move more, to entertain more, and to rely less on people comparing his warbly vocals to the original. I understood it, and I wasn't perusing butcher knives in response, so that's probably a good thing. If the youngins in the audience crave hip over anything else, he's in the driver's seat, and if you've ever listened to pop radio these days, the odds are most definitely, most sadly, in his favor.

9. Melinda told us how much of a W-O-M-A-N she still is, but managed to take one of her strongest performances to a whole new level of hot in heeyah. The addition of the backup singers was ICE COLD -- and that's a GOOD THING -- her menswear selection was on and poppin', and for the first time ALL season, someone got up there and sang like they were already headlining their own concert. No gimmicks, no trying this time, this was The Doo and her backups singing to you like you'd get it if you paid for it. And it'd be well worth it. An amazingly polished, powerful, and professional finish for the only one left who deserves all the confetti.

So? Who will it be? Several people are saying very different things as far as results go, mainly because they're all pretty much on par depending on who you think may be voting. But since I'm feeling nice again, I'll give you the safe bet, and the other bet. You do with it what you will.

SAFE BETTING SWAMI SAYS:
Going, going, gone: Blake Lewis
Coulda: Jordin Sparks

OTHER BETTING SWAMI SAYS:
Going, going, gone: Jordin Sparks
Coulda: Blake Lewis

Who's side am I on? Given that Blake has been in the bottom 2 before, while neither lady ever has, I'll stick to safe. But catch me in the wrong lighting, and I may very well be on the other side of things. Only a few hours from now will tell!!!