It's Lady's Night and The Feeling's Right

“If you want something said, ask a man...if you want something done, ask a woman.” - Margaret Thatcher

Well, Maggie, you've never been more correct than yesterday, when the women of AI ripped the men to shreds, ate 'em whole, and licked their fingers afterwards for all to see. Finally!!!! We have something (multiple somethings, in fact) to be excited about. Just when I was certain that AI6 had lost that lovin' feelin', the divas came out fighting and took no prisoners. As fantastic as it was to watch so many of them do their thing on stage, I couldn't help thinking that the men were sitting there trying to find the nearest exits. Because it was as plain as day that no one with a Y chromosome has any reason to be here this year... not when the likes of Lakisha, Melinda, Stephanie and even a few other suprises gave us something to talk about last night. What's more, there continued to be some justice in the world in that the truly professional vocalists who tore it up last night only made it that much more clear why the pretty packages who tried to keep up with them will never play in the same league as they. It feels strange even having to discuss the bad with the good out of the Idol ladies from last night, because as SPR said time and again, there's really no comparison here. But, in the spirit of fairness and in-depth reporting, I'll discuss all 12 female contestants. So, without further ado, I crack open the highs and lows of last night's affair, with a warm, weirdly proud feeling in my heart:

1 - Stephanie Edwards came out with such charm, power, control, and all-around freshness that I realized then why she didn't even NEED more camera time leading up to this week. Who cares? The lady is cuter than Fantasia by miles (and I don't think it's coincidence that FannyFan is performing tonight before we get the results), is just as young, and basically killed from start to finish. She seemed comfortable, and even had the guts to drop on bended knee to wow us visually as much as aurally. She'll likely be wearing pants next week to cover the bruises from that landing, but it don't matta -- she wheeled and dealed her way through Prince's "How Come You Don't Call Me" with as much fever as I've seen on the show -- and her fresh fashion sense and unique look may catapult her past the ones who sing even better than she. No better way to start off what should be a very long ride in this competition for Ms. Edwards. Get hype!!

2 - Amy Krebs continued to be as random and forgettable and she's been since the show started. Unlike Stephanie, she managed to prove why someone with a lot less talent MUST have more camera time in order to stay in this competition. To be honest, I still only remember some random purple paisley dress she wore. And the fact that she all but murdered the greatest song of all time (find me ONE person who doesn't like this song and I'll give you $100), "I Can't Make You Love Me". Don't wreck my song. Don't. That's just mean. And I'm sure as forgettable as you are, Amy, you can rest assured that Bonnie Raitt's biker crew is heading down highway 5 as we speak, faster than you can escape their black leathered wrath. And then you'll really have reason to sing the blues.

3 - Leslie Hunt. Hm... How exactly do I put this? Maybe going the anecdotal route will be nicer. Before she sang, I told my roommate that Leslie strongly resembled a dog. Perhaps a cute dog, but a dog nonetheless. Her husky voice doesn't help either. But then, after she was done singing, Simon gracefully reminded us that she has every reason to look canine, given that she's a professional dogwalker! How fitting! Now I feel much better for making that mostly irrelevant remark. Anyway, her singing is spot on when she gets in a groove, and I do appreciate that her voice is "different" from most others, but the abomination that she calls stage presence will forever get in the way of whatever she'd like us to hear. Too bad too... she seems like a nice girl. But she also seems like she'd be just as happy painting Ryan's toenails a new shade of lilac during the commercial breaks. In short, she doesn't want to be here anymore than we don't want her to be here. Fitting once again.

4. Sabrina Sloan was most definitely the surprise of the night, because I don't think one person on the planet thought she was going to be anything more than kinda okay. Instead, she pulled out a little Aguilera influences here and there, and did a pretty darn good job of mimicking her. While she was most definitely on the mark throughout her performance, it was a little "teeny bopper" in delivery, as though she goes home every night, curling up with the latest Christina poster and a "How To Win American Idol" book in hand. I mean, she pretty much said so, given that she apparently calculates her song choices based not on what feels right for her as a vocalist, but on past seasons of Idol. Interesting. She gets an A this time for preparedness, but perhaps a D- for authenticity. She'll be here for a while yet, but the second she has an off night, you can bet she'll be packing her bags. That's what we call a good skater on thin ice.

5. Antonella Barba is undoubtedly stunning. Great. But I think someone accidentally walked her into American Idol when she should be with Tyra and the gang over at the new CW. Model your ass off girl! Get those cameo roles in upcoming teen flicks! I won't be mad at you! But I will be mad if we continue having to put up with your no-singing ass on this show. She has NO redeeming vocal prowess, and sitting back and saying "Well, I mean, she's PRETTY!!!!" doesn't change that fact. Move on into your true career calling -- cuz singing ain't it.

6. Lil Miss Jordin Sparks is a great young talent, but keep in mind that Stephanie Edwards is only 2 years older than she is, so let's stop jonesing on how "young" she is. She's good, she'll do very well in this competition, but lately I've become more and more allergic to sugar. It seems trite to me, the smileyness, the bad curls all over the place as though her famous NFL football daddy doesn't have the money to get her to a salon, the scary resemblance to Ugly Betty if Betty ever gets her braces removed (note: I think Betty's pretty in that cute and unintimidating way). She has that Lisa Tucker thing that made me wretch nearly every week last year. That talent for a young kid that's commendable, but not moving at the end of the day. I wish her well, but I'm kinda already over it... besides, who needs sugar when you have Splenda these days.

7. Nicole Tranquillo can actually sing her ass off, but, like so many "classically trained voice majors", never learned how to sing a song CORRECTLY. And this is as important as having great intonation and control. I was pleased that Paula picked up on her fantastic range and ability, but ability minus delivery also amounts to nuttin' much. I want to see her get another chance more than anyone though, because I think on the right song, she'll show and prove why she should be here (at least for another voting round). But the fact that the song was way over most AI watchers' heads, she had a schizophrenic time getting through it, and doesn't even have the "hot" factor on her side could spell quick and sudden death tonight.

8. Haley Scarnato was boring and dated and a bland(er) version of Katherine McPhee. We've seen this movie before (i.e. last season), and that chic was better. She's cute enough to stay another week, but no one will miss her if she goes now.

9. Melinda Doolittle will in fact do a WHOLE DAMN LOT on this show and beyond. She has arguably the most authentic, powerful, and versatile voice in the competition, which makes up for the fact that she has no neck. She's a wonderful spirit, has Simon on her side, and can break hearts with a voice so dripping with soul I don't know what to do with myself. It was as close to perfect as the performances got last night, and she even was nice enough to turn to the guys during her set to give them some love. Love her. Love her. Don't need her to win -- just need her to put out an album. And although she'll likely go R&B, if I were her manager, I'd put her on the fastrack to gospel stardom IMMEDIATELY, and warn Yolanda Adams that she finally has some competition to worry about. She was born to sing gospel, and I'll die happy eating it right up. Can I get an Amen! Praise her!!

10. Alaina continued to disappoint and probably delivered the pitchiest performance of the night. Not only was the song choice abysmal; her rendition of it was amateur and all over the place. She seemed lost inside it, and that's not good when you're performing a song with about 4 notes in it. Simon summed it up on the "getting by on your looks" tip, but I would be shocked if she doesn't leave us for good after tonight. If she doesn't, it's just a matter of time. And by time I mean 7 days.

11. Gina Glocksen is kind of the more tranny version of Kelly Clarkson, with less talent. Which, last I checked, means her time is ticking on this show. The whole "I'm TIRED of auditioning for American Idol cuz I AM the American Idol" bullsh is no longer appealing or even memorable. She's got a nice tone when she sticks to her deeper register -- I tend to prefer that in a female vocalist anyway -- but not enough all around "Wow" factor to last long in this one. She'll get the lezzy votes though, which should give her the edge to make the final Top 12 in my predictions.

12. Last but farthest from the least, we come to my air, my water, my babymama even though I haven't told her yet, Lakisha Jones. Do I even have to discuss how wondrous, powerful, awesome, great, other-league she is? Good. Cuz I don't want to state the obvious if I don't have to. Instead, let's just gather 'round the TV each week and hold our breaths to hear what she'll do next. The only thing I'll focus on here that may be getting lost in the fray is this woman's genuine humility. It's the humility that you just have, and you can't feign no matter how great an actor you are. She stands there, she listens to whomever is talking to her, she's grateful to be alive, she just wants to sing and sing well, she doesn't ask anyone to love her or hate her or give her another chance. She's just here, happy to sing for more than church pews, happy to talk to her daughter on her 4th birthday, focused, quiet but not aloof, glowing, and natural. Melinda cannot touch whatever inner grace Lakisha was given, bc we're going to be hearing the "It just feels SO GOOD to be a LEAD SINGER NOW!" speech from here on in from Ms. Doolittle. Stephanie is a front-runner as well, but she's just "so comfortable!" on stage, as though she has no reason to be surprised that people love her (that's code for kinda knows she's the shit and y'all betta recognize). Ms. Jones, on the other hand, isn't asking for anything... she's just trying to figure out what she wants to sing next week. They could whisk her away from this competition tomorrow and I'd be touched, bc *that's* what great singers should do and be. She will be good to go from this point on, and while your votes are appreciated and EXPECTED, she really doesn't need them. Finally. Someone who can finally be worthy of the title Idol, not because of talent, but because of character.

So... who will it be tonight people!?!??!!? Betting's on. My votes for DunzoLand:

Men: Sanjaya Something and Sundance Head
Women: Alaina Alexander and Antonella Barba

Until tonight!