Man, I Feel Like A Woman!

K, so there's good news and bad news about American Idol this week -- which one do you want first? The Good? Okay, let's stay on the happier side of life for just one second. Here are certain things that we can unequivocably deem good in the spirit of AI:

1. Jennifer Hudson won a friggin' OSCAR. Gold. Black Gold. Whether you loved her (me) or not (yeah, okay both Fantasia and Lakisha could likely blast off on that joint as well) - she just set records beyond the imaginable in Hollywood. Scoring THAT big on your FIRST movie is somewhere just north of unheard of, and I officially give American Idol the right to boast that celebrity-making homerun until the end of time. In short, CONGRATS m'lady!!

2. Elliott Yamin (aka the most consistently awesome male R&B singer in AI history) is out with a new single and album. Google him, find him on Myspace, and for God sakes, continue to marvel at the wonders of proper dental reconstruction. We love you! Tell the major labels to suck it! And keep our eardrums warm and fuzzy with your tingling talent for years and years to come, baby.

3. The Top 10 guys were undeniably better than last week, with few exceptions.

K, so here's the bad news.

The Top 10 guys still blow in a relative sense, and bear nothing resembling American Idol quality when it comes to vocal talent. And what's worse, we're STILL going to have to discuss them way more than any of them deserve because SPR made the suckiest selections that ever sucked this year and I can't get out of it. Wouldn't we all rather see a few good women go at it this year than have to put up with this shit? Ugh. This black hole of average and uninspiring is borderline embarrassing for a show that brimmed with so much talent and uniqueness last year. So, once again, I break open what we saw and heard last night, and pretend to do so like all 10 of them don't pale in comparison to actually great vocalists past, present, and future.

1. Coming off a winning performance from last week, Phil Stacey decided to start off the show making us question just how good he really is. Not only did he choose T-H-E CHEESIEST, SQUAREST, WHY-WON'T-THE-VERSE-JUST-END-SO-THAT-THE-EVEN-SQUARER-CHORUS-CAN-ALSO-PASS-US-BY-MORE-QUICKLY? song ever sung by a "man". I hate that song so much thatI'd rather spend a life sentence in solitary confinement with Patrick Swayze singing "She's Like The Wind" on repeat than hear that song, and certainly when I have to hear it coming through Phil Stacey's nose. The man has fantastic tone when he hits certain notes, but his God-awful head voice nasality makes you wanna slap somebody -- namely, him -- and not in a good way. Don't get me wrong, he has greatness in him, but last night was a few good men's giant steps back from a week ago. Get it together AlienBoy - cuz that shit wasn't that cute. Three cheers for Simon finally highlighting that Phil is a good singer with absolutely ZERO uniqueness about his voice. He'll go very far in this competition, but compared to past heroes, this soldier's not much.

2. Correction from last week: Jared Cotter isn't actually that hot. Sorry. And him trying to make up for it by wearing a hot suit only clarified that fact for me all the more. He's a good-looking dude, sure, but hot? Not quite. Just wait for the few close-up pans on faceland that we get, and you'll see what I'm talking about. But hey, it's better than having to look at Chris Sligh's double chin all the time. (I know, I know.. mean. But you're thinking it too.) People -- let's face it: Jared was booty last night. I think about 27% of the song was actually in tune, and he always looks like he just got another hernia whenever he hits those notes at the very top of his chest voice range. It's painful to him, and it's painful to us, so he'd better stop pushing so hard or he's gonna pop a vein on national TV. Don't sing Marvin Gaye's classic poorly and THEN take the corn quotient up a few thousand more notches by semi-sexually and mostly-awkwardly sliding your hand down your face like you just drooled and didn't want anyone to notice. That wasn't fun. If he stays, it's because he's the better looking of the bunch, given that his rendition was spot-on karaoke if I've ever heard it.

3. Hip Hip WhoGay! It's AJ Time! I just keep wondering whether he goes by AJ because his real name is Alexandra Jane. Probably. Or Alice Juanita. Those are the only possibilities. That "man" has more estrogen up in the spot than I do, and although I'm pretty much half-man, it's still frigthening to watch. The hipswingin', the too tight bootylicious jeans, the foundation... and the Nina Simone songs. Ah, it's just so much to handle at all once. Good thing the boy has the absolute worst TV personality in the history of life. Did you see him try to fumble over his singular interview question from Ryan in the red room? Now, the boy was arguably better than Jared, but he can thank the band's arrangement for that, which, by the way, outdid him for most of the song. I also can't figure out why no one is discussing his seismic flatness problem, wherein, he has YET to hit a note full-on when coming up from a lower one. Coming down from higher registers has been generally fine, but his knack for flat gnaws at my ears like fingernails comin' down the chalkboard. I would tell someone backstage to just help him with his pitch issues, but it may not matter after Thursday.

4. Quarterway into the show, I fell asleep and had this nightmare wherein Sanajaya Suckakar had turned into a monstrous, talentless version of Michael Jackson-meets-Michael Buble, and then got up and sang a swing era song in whisper tones. Then I woke up, and it was over. I was sweating and couldn't really breathe, but I'm pretty sure that with enough of God's good grace, it'll never, ever, EVER, happen again.

5. Okay, here's where I lose some friends (don't worry, I've prepared myself for it). Y'all, I'm not buying ANY tickets to the Chris Sligh concert anytime soon. He's a solid enough singer, no doubt, but there is something so impostor about this boy and how he delivers songs that I just can't get on the Bobular Train. There's something too distanced between his talent and his delivery, as though he's never really and truly connecting with the songs the way real vocalists should. His tone is unique, and his personality is cool, but he's just not a star. He's just a guy that's clenching every muscle in his not-so-small body to make sure he hits every note just the way he needs to to convince people that he can sing damnit. And that's too much average for my taste. Lemme put it this way, picture the boy singing next to Fantasia Barrino. The difference between professional and amateur is just so striking - primarily because when truly great vocalists sing, they're not clenching for dear life, they're not thinking about how to attack this next part just like the singer on the original does it, they're singing the way THEY sing songs and doing it with ease. I know a lot of people like this kid, but the only thing I like about him when it comes to singing are his song choices. Y'see, when Ray LaMontagne sings "Trouble" (or anything for that matter), your heart alights to such heights because that's a voice for the ages, so dripping with soul and depth and ease that you're moved and inspired. Sligh? Off rhythm and using the whitest of white riffs and endings for a song that sails by the soul of its creator. My vote: "Eh." Doesn't matter though, he'll be here for awhile too.

6. Nick Pedro has one heck of a smoky tone to his voice, the kind you're only born with and others kinda hate you for. That said, he did look like he just made a sale on his latest condo, and he didn't give "Fever" any mmph WHATSOEVER. He couldn't hit the choruses, and although that kind of scratchy non-note-hitting works for Rod Stewart (don't ask me why or how), it won't work for Nickleback. I appreciated his "Vote for Pedro" chant at the end, but that was clearly the highlight of his time on stage. He likely would've fared better just doing Napolean Dynamite's dance from the end of the movie. I'm sad to say that despite being one of the more unique male singers, he's likely heading back to filing cabinets and highlighters in 2 days time.

7. Like Phil, Blake took giant steps backward this week from last. The beatboxing in between was undeniably original, but the rest was pitchy, annoying, awkward, annoying, unauthentic, annoying, and well, annoying. I'm glad you can dance. I'm glad you can beatbox. But did anyone tell you that this is a singing competition? Someone did last week, but apparently they jumped ship since then. Lemme be the one to bring you back from the singing dead -- quit looking like that hoodlum skateboarder in town who's going nowhere fast, and start taking yourself seriously, cuz if you don't, I will find a way to end you. I promise.

8. Do I have to discuss Brandon? Cuz I really don't want to. It reeked so bad of something horrific that I don't want to have to conjur up the memories long enough to write about it. The song choice (or the rendition, I should say, cuz there are breathtaking versions of "Time After Time" out there, I assure you), the abysmal delivery (I still can't get those 2 outstretched arms of "Come on! Just FEEL it with me guys!" out of my head), the pink shirt, the complete lack of anything moving aside from his film piece. What was merely disappointing last week is now more like disgusting to me, and I'm glad Simon all but kicked his ass in front of everyone to get the point across. Dear Brandon, you are good somewhere underneath all that suck, but it's too little too late. I'm not into you anymore, and I don't think America is either. Also, it'd be great if you realized that trying to overcompensate for beyond-shitty performances with verbosity only digs your hole deeper. Please stop trying to explain yourself, as though we don't know exactly what you're trying to do. You're trying to sing like a piece of shit, and we're trying to find the tranquilizers. We're over.

9. Chris Richardson continues to be hot, and that Virginian drawl just makes me wanna. He also scored huge with the judges (and fans) last night. That said, it wasn't nearly as good as SPR said it was. Yet, despite pitch problems and breathing issues, he made up for any misteps with amazing stage presence, energy, and likability. He's just fun to watch. He moves the right ways. And everything he's stealing from Mr. Timberlake are the right things. I told you I've had my money on this kid for a while... long before SPR started hyping him up. He's got a lot to work on vocally, but I have a feeling that's more a matter of him selecting songs that are less hyper and all over the place. If he can kill on a ballad, this kid's in it to win it as far as men are concerned.

10. Finallyyyyyyyyyy!!! The return of Sundance as we know it! First off, I kinda want a poster of his kid with ghoti up on my wall -- cutefest!! But more importantly, he did what he does best and finally earned his spot in the Top 10 Men. We'll see how he fares next week, but so far so much better. The boy's got the chops, but he does need to keep improving each week to make his star factor blossom. Although, when he hit it up high halfway through the song, I'm pretty sure I got a run in my stockings. Holla! Go on Mr. Head -- you're far from all the way there, but you're in the driver's seat now. For the love of God and all things Holy, don't ever slow your Mustang down. Do it for Levi!

K, Ladies turn it up a notch tonight - thank God. Although don't be surprised if they're not as on fire as last week. I have a creeping suspicion that the ladies may be cooler than their blazing hot start in round 1. Hoping to high Heaven I'm wrong. Will the Queens continue to bring it? Will the pretty faces continue to water down the quality of this show by miles? Will Leslie Hunt continue to be doglike? All this and more I'm sure. Till then!