That question is primarily for Randy "The Rand" Jackson, Useless Abdul and even Simon Says, but feel free to answer it as if I were talking to you as well. I ask this, because in the history of the show, never have I had to witness as much overrated, misplaced critiquing as I did last night, solely to keep ratings up now that Sanbad has given us our ears back. Before I get to the few things that went right last night, I'd like to first give a shout-out to Jesus, who was kind enough to take the mic swiftly away from Sanjaya's hands the second I e-prayed for it. Considering the fact that I don't even believe in him, at least not in the God way, I thought that was really sweet. Man, what a guy. Drinks on me next time. No, no, I insist.
So now that I don't have to cradle my trashcan in my arms while watching AI anymore, I feel that I can focus on the actual singers who are participating in this show, and Blake. Oh, and if you watched last night but didn't vote, shame on you. It's the easiest way to feed a starving African village people! Our cell phones may be killing the bees (read the New York Times if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you illiterate soul), but they can at least bring some food to the table. Kudos once again to FOX for a stellar initiative that is bound to grow bigger with time. More importantly, Sir Bono cometh hence. Giddyup.
So now that we're down to 6, the going gets rough, and more accurately, unfair for those who fall by the wayside. Because at this point in the competition, they're all talented and capable vocalists who have their good days and their bad days, with only 2 exceptions to the rule. Namely, Blake --The Yawning Gymnast of Easy Things That Anyone Can Do with 2 Seconds of Practice -- who has slid by with luck and some sort of hip that I'm obviously not acquainted with nor want to be, and Melinda -- who is the only one left in the pack completely deserving of the Title Idol. Everyone else (Jordin) will be the ones that could win because they're more popular and have good days when they need to have them most. If you didn't notice, that was my nice way of saying everyone else is painfully inconsistent, but human enough to sneak past the pro in our midst. It'd be sad, and undeserved, and yes I do realize that I'm the only person who's actually going to write that out loud. But it's true. As much as I love Lakisha's spankin' vocal talent+humility, and Jordin on the good days, and Chris' yummliciousness, if Melinda Doolitte doesn't win this competition, something's terribly wrong. And when I remember the one thing every Idol past has boasted -- consistency -- I'm wary to bet against her or her internal microchip. We're still a long way from the finish line, but I have a feeling I know how her What-to-Wear Book ends.
So, let's discuss.
1. Chris Richardson's biggest problem last night may have actually been the song choice. It's not that it's not awesome, cuz it is, and I'll cut you if you utter otherwise, but it's Eric Clapton. I mean, who messes with Eric Clapton in front of millions of Americans and expects to be rewarded? Unless you're the demigod himself, or a ridiculously brilliant vocalist, neither of which ChrissyPoo is, you're going to make someone mad. Perhaps even 300 million someones. He did well, for him, and SPR was generally accurate in the summation, but I still felt underwhelmed. Perhaps that's because I was holding my breath the entire time waiting for him to riff too much and set the song into a smoky nosedive. Thankfully, he never crashed, but he didn't soar as much as his final 10 seconds suggested he could have. In this homestretch, only greatness survives, and I'm afraid my JT blowup doll has hit his ceiling. Time's a ticking on this kid; not because he's horrible, and not because he deserves to get the cane, but because someone's got-ta got-ta got-ta got-ta got-ta... gotta get outta here. (Sorry, been listening to the "Rent" soundtrack recently and it's permeating at all the wrong times).
2. Melinda was stunning from start to finish, yet again, and as Randy said, there's nothing more to say really. She's totally the kind of singer you pay money to see, because professionals DELIVER, no matter what the day, what the song, what the reality show station. And in case you weren't sure, the last time Simon used the words "master class" was.... drum roll please... yes, you guessed it... when E Double L Yamin sang Donny Hathaway's "A Song For You" right around the same time last year, so brilliantly, so bone chillingly well, that no one watching knew quite what just happened. Aside from musical greatness -- that much was clear. I say that not only to relight the candle in my shrine to all things Elliott, but also to convey just how great you have to be, from start to finish, to earn such praise.
3. Now we all know why Blake chose the easiest song possible to sing, but the reason I'm currently burning down the small village nearby is because Paula and Simon even had the audacity to say anything good about that performance. Had it been someone they don't really like and aren't getting paid to root for, they would have said the TRUTH, which would likely go a little something like this:
Paula: "Uh... well..... [winces as though her water just broke].... I... I mean... I."
Simon: "Um... I don't know what to sayyy, Blake! [throws up arms before resting them argumentatively on the table]. I mean [boos rain down from the crowd].. Oh shut up, would you! You can't even hear back there! I mean, really, Blake.. you're a nice guy and I appreciate you trying to be 'sincere' or whatever Paula was ranting on about, but that song just didn't do anything for me, or I think for anyone voting at home. And you know that! [boos reensue]. I mean, look. This is the point in the competition where you have to blow us away. And that song won't do it. [Folds arms, hands in pits]. If you want to stay on in this competition, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that. Sorry! [Looks down at his Coke cup and throws the remaining contents on Paula's head until she melts away into oblivion]."
Now, if I were the judge, I'd save all of you that time and effort and say only this: "Why are you here? Go pack."
Moving RIGHT along.
4. Obviously not learning about the importance of good song choice after last week's scare, Lakisha shook up the joint for the first 20 seconds of another former Idol's hit song - and not in the good way. As I wrote last week, it's best for new contestants to steer clear of covering past Idols' songs 1) because it's annoying enough to have to hear them sung by the originators and 2) because it's usually a kiss of death no matter how well you sing it. People voted for those people in those particular seasons to sing that particular song to them on celebration night and beyond. To try to make it your own without really changing anything about the delivery just makes you seem like a less talented copy-cat, even if that's not the case. And more importantly, what I underscored last week was the need for a general rule on American Idol, which involves banning any new contestant from trying to sing Fantasia's songs better than Fantasia. Why? Cuz it just won't happen. Even if you're good (Kiki), people listening (Me) will say, well, okay that was good, but Fantasia's was the bomb. Why? Because Fantasia is the bomb. Why? Because Fantasia was the most talented, most consistent, and most original singer in Idol history. And she had the cojones enough to release a song called "Baby Mama" on her debut album and mean for us to take it seriously. That's a woman with a whole lotta nerve, if you ask me. So, despite the fact that after the 20 seconds of not finding the pitch, Lakisha smacked it silly (did you see them on their feet mid-way too? Yeah, I'm sure that kind of a performance was even more bigtime live), she copied a pristine original to little avail. Yes, it was better than last week, but by hairs. And now that Sanjaya's gone... well, you get the drill.
Oh, but in her defense, I am throwing poop at Simon for claiming that she had a shouting problem last night. Nothing in her performance involved shouting this time around; it involved her big ass voice coming out of that big ass body and making it quite clear that she knows the difference. Jordin, unfortunately, is still trying to figure that difference out when she goes for the high notes, and I'd love it if she'd try to figure it out without producing noise the next go 'round.
5. Alien Stacey was great again, and I'm so happy to see him find his "center". Too bad it's too little too late, especially when in comparison to what he convinced people of last week, last night's affair wasn't as good. True, he didn't miss a note, and true, he did start it as strong as he finished (which may be a first for him), but he's not going to win. And with less country in his country song last night, I'm afraid the Kodak Theatre may be taking elevator boy down to the hotel lobby floor this time around. That said, I'd really love to have a piece of his scalp preserved and framed in my apartment before he heads back to his home planet -- that shit's gonna be worth millions someday.
6. Sparky was good, and at times beautiful to listen to, but not in anyway the "best vocal in the history of the show" as Idiot Jackson would have us believe. I was so offended I almost decided to post those pics of his gastric-bypass surgery online despite his multiple requests that I keep them under wraps. My GOD. First Blake, and now this blasphemy! She's great, and phenomenal for her age, and yes, yes, she may win, rah, rah, shut the hell up. But that rendition matched Lakisha's first 20 seconds in pitch problems, and topped it off at the end with not one, but TWO big time screetches that made my eardrums fall out of my ears into my cup of tea. Funny how her caucasian predecessor Kat McPhee had this same exact problem last year. The yelling out of tune when attempting to hit notes that are outside of her chest register that *is* in fact the definition of scream-singing instead of singing, Simon. With some training she'll be a ridiculous young singer one day, but I will not sit here and be told things that are not true. So you can cheer for the frizz as much as you want, as will I when she sings things correctly all the way through, but in case you haven't figured it out over the past 3 months, I don't do overblown. Never. Call it like you hear it, Rando, or your weightloss secrets are mine. Will the fallible but lovable youngster pull out the victory over the heavy-hitting infallible wonder of Doo? Well, you know where Kat McPhee ended up last time, and just like last year, I'd be all smiles.
So, who's hitting the curb tonight, huh? HUH?! This is when things stop making sense, and it's all about numbers. Frankly, I don't really care that much anymore because my sole reason for breathing of late had been to see SuckySanj sing his last. And that Bono thing, which makes all these aspiring karaoke stars look and sound like just that. But, I owe you some choices, and y'know I'm good for it.
Shoulda: Chris Richardson
Coulda [CORRECTION... likely because I selectively forgot about him]: Blake Lewis
Wild Card: Lakisha "She's Still My Wife, Wanna Fight About It?" Jones
Number of Charity Votes Amassed: 82,000
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Jesus, Take The Mic, Take it From His Hands.
And we all know which mic and which hands in particular I'm referring to. Need I echo more of the same, when everyone else, INCLUDING my coworker of Indian descent said Sansucky was the worst thing to ever happen to music last night? For the love of all that is good and holy - which, after a week like Virginia Tech has had, I'm not sure exists anymore - it is TIME. It's been time. And although I don't think we'll be blessed enough to see his bony ass leave us tonight, I do believe Sanjaya will come darn close to the shredder this week. Not because we who hear and like to enjoy music are realizing anything new; but because I think a performance as insulting as that was unacceptable to even his legions of fans. For the first time this season, I could honestly picture votefortheworst.com-heads and Howard Stern himself being EMBARRASSED by their ongoing support for this aberration. As well they should be. Cuz nothing about last night's effort by The Petit Prince was funny. Nothing at all. There is hope my friends -- and dare I say it, if not tonight, then soon and very soon.
So, Martina McBride made up for the fact that Jennifer Lopez was coaching anyone who wants to excel in singing last week. Plus I now know that if I look into her sky blue eyes for too long, I will never come back out of that amazing abyss. Dude - forget the fact that she can sing her butt off, and even forget the fact that without Martina McBride, we would never have a Carrie Underwood to speak of - her eyes alone could sell a billion records. Plus she's just so nice and genuine; which, on the con side of things prevents her from being critical to any extent, even when faced with Suckakar, but on the pro side makes her like a little teddy bear that I just wanna hug. And she's a country singer, so that's saying a lot coming from me. That said, can we finally get some Shania up in the spot next time there's a country night? Cuz I'd kinda do anything Shania Twain told me to do, and I'd like it. Ohhhh yes, I'd like it. But, I digress. Some songs happened, and some people shined with them, while others would have done better tripping off the stage and chipping a tooth on Randy's cowboy boot. Only these paragraphs will tell.
1. Rawhide!! Alien Stacey finally has a reason for landing! It's to sell records as a country singer. Which now makes a lot more sense, because we all know he likely touched down in some cornfield in backbrush Nebraska. I was downright proud of the man, who by now likely has a personal P.O. Box set up in the Bottom 3. He rocked it from start to finish, and for the first time, didn't make us have to wonder exactly what it is about him we don't like. I could see him at his own country concert, with fans actually buying it, bald or no bald. And by his own country concert I of course mean one in which he opens for Carrie Underwood when the other, actually famous country act backed out last minute, but hey, it's still more than he could've hoped for 2 days ago. The saddest part is that he could very easily head home tonight, and there'd be no justice in that, given that every other man up there this week pretty much reeked. But at least he now has a musical home and can do what prior to Bucky Covington and that shitty Pickler girl, was thought to be impossible for unfamous famous people -- have a hit single.
2. Jordin made up for those dang low notes she still won't ever get along with by singing miraculously for the rest of the song, and especially when it counts most: the second half of it. From the top part of her dress up, she looked luscious, and as long as the camera had nothing to do with that orange monstrosity down South, she was wholly enjoyable from a third of the way in on. Her ending was the best yet this season, and she soared in all the right places. So, now she can rest easy as she takes one slot in this season's finale show - if not the crown. She wouldn't deserve the crown based on vocal talent alone, but even with her inconsistencies, she has more of the total "American Idol" package than anyone else, in that she's lovable, purty, young, and incredibly talented. Melinda is 1 of those things (I'll let you guess which one), and completely unsurprising in her prowess to boot. At least Jordin knows how to keep us guessing, for better (last night and that other time she did the same exact thing on a winning vocal... just stood there) and for worse (those times when she looks ridiculous, misses more notes than she makes, mimes, and moves alot).
3. There's nothing to say really. Although his hanky on hair maneuver didn't bother me as much as it probably should have. What did bother me beyond repair, however, is the fact that this was the second time this season that someone ungood chose to murder a Bonnie Raitt song. Can everyone who sucks please stop messing with my babymama? Please? Now, I do realize that "Something to Talk About" is a perennial Idol favorite, but I think there should be a general rule that states if Fantasia has sung it before, it need not be repeated. Then again, when it comes to Sanjaya, the rule should likely state that if it's ever been sung before, it need not be repeated. As aforementioned, tonight could present a rockier road for Mr. Mal (yes, both English and Spanish connotations apply), but I fear it's not the end. Having received first-hand warning that he is in fact the only talk of every town in India, I can only surmise that we's in trouble. We's in trouble plenty.
4. Lakisha disappointed for the most part, because we all know she should have not been singing that song, in that way. The only silver lining was that she once again looked ravishing in a much less "conspicious" way, and she didn't stink up the joint nearly as much as she did last week. That's the good news. The bad news is girlfriend will likely be sleeping on my couch sooner than later, because if she has one more bad go, she will not even make it to the top 3, let alone the throne. The distance between her and The Doo has widened to nearly seismic proportions, and Jordy's youthful, "hot today, not tomorrow" edge that keeps us wondering is about to slice her down the middle if she's not careful. She sings better than any of them, but without the external factors that Jordin has working in her favor, Keeks can't afford to be streaky. And I don't know about you, but something suggested to me last night that Lakisha may not even be enjoying herself anymore. She seems distant, which teeters on disconnected too much of the time. I totally understand her feeling that way -- mainly because American Idol is and always will be a poptastic joke in itself -- but the second the fans think she doesn't mind leaving, well, they'll be the first to help expedite that very process. I love you still, my dearest fellow Marylander, but the finish line is getting blurrier and blurrier for you, and it's next week or never.
5. Chris Richardson was great -- for those 5 seconds in the second sixth of the song. Then the rest happened and left me as confused about his angle in hanging on in this competition as I am about RyRy's sexuality and Paula's fashion choices. I commend him for the most interesting and traditionally country song choice of the night, but it just didn't work. And it HAD to work, because his nasality is giving everyone a headache by now, and when no one even really knows the song you're singing, you have to do the Melinda and kick it in the ass twice over to convince everyone to send a vote or two your way. Now, the bedeviled shrieks from the hot-obsessed females in the crowd suggest some youngins are still going to pull for him, and his last ditch attempt to gain "hometraining votes" for his shoutout to VTU could help the Virginia boy this time around. But I doubt it. And even though we were all kinda thinking it, boo on Simon for revealing his eye-roll after the remarks were made. It would've worked a lot better if Chris had performed well, but given that he sucked, it all just made him look like a 4-year-old with floaties on in the baby pool. Parents hands on back and belly included. I hope he kept them on for tonight.
6. Finally, Simon shut down what I saw in Memphis audition Round 1 that now everyone apparently is just SO ANNOYED with. Yeah, Melinda's fake thing? Yeah. That. Funny how, if she had been that genuinely humble and surprised the whole time, then why didn't it take more than 0.14 seconds for her to turn it off completely? Oh? She's fake? Oh. Oh, I see. Thank you. The second she got word that that little maneuver was making her less endearing than moreso, the robot in her deleted the calculation, never to be seen again (hopefully). Trouble is, seeing her drop the act so fast made her even more unlovable to me, despite being the only person deserving of the Idol crown this year. She was fantastic, although the song wasn't very challenging for someone with her chops.. and she looked LEAGUES better than in previous weeks. It's likely she and Jordin in the finale, which, ironically, would actually give Jordin a better chance at winning than if it were Blake. Wait. Read what I just wrote again. Is that not the most disgusting sentence ever written? I know, I know, which part is more disgusting ... the fact that Melinda could easily not win American Idol this year, or that Blake could even get in the finale at all. Too close to call. But I'm nauseous as a result, that much is clear. I do wish I could take the words back, but I can't. There's too much truth in them to keep it all to myself. And so...we weep.
7. Blake sucked even for Blake, which brought me great joy as I could then avoid hearing SPR jones on him like a sucking candy. Or so I thought, after hearing Blake's unbelievably large hot air balloon of talent deflate and crash in a field somewhere. But, once again, the judges got whatever under-the-table offer they've been getting to blow this kid up beyond all comprehension, and continued this rant about how great he is. The Rand said he "knows who he is", which is obviously not the case, because if he did know that, he would be at home coming up with new beats for Gwen's discohipop album rather than trying to sing on American Idol. And singing is really a generous term in Blake's case; it's more like cavemanic yawning with some noise coming out. He's a joke, and you all know you read this blog because I keep it real regardless of what the tides of pop fanaticism may draw forth. He is in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM deserving of the title Idol, and would almost insult me more than Sanjaya winning, because in Blake's case, people would have meant for him to win based on his talent. Despite being stronger than I ever thought I could be in that I still manage to get out of bed each day after seeing who's currently famous for their "musical" "talent", that possibility is not something I'm ready to live with. So much so, that if it's Sanjaya or Blake in the finale, I say to you now that I will join my Hindu brethren in the fight for a joke star than an overrated one. I say it. And in a few weeks time, with enough liquor in me, I just might mean it.
So... given that there are only 7 contestants left, there very well may not be a bottom 3 this week. I'm guessing more like a bottom 2. In which case, look for Chris and Phil to be doing some double-dutch mid-stage. But, assuming there are 3, here's the bettin', and you know I've had a hot hand lately so don't sleep.
Shoulda (but won't): Sanjaya Malakar
Coulda: Chris Richardson
Wild Card: Phil Stacey
So, Martina McBride made up for the fact that Jennifer Lopez was coaching anyone who wants to excel in singing last week. Plus I now know that if I look into her sky blue eyes for too long, I will never come back out of that amazing abyss. Dude - forget the fact that she can sing her butt off, and even forget the fact that without Martina McBride, we would never have a Carrie Underwood to speak of - her eyes alone could sell a billion records. Plus she's just so nice and genuine; which, on the con side of things prevents her from being critical to any extent, even when faced with Suckakar, but on the pro side makes her like a little teddy bear that I just wanna hug. And she's a country singer, so that's saying a lot coming from me. That said, can we finally get some Shania up in the spot next time there's a country night? Cuz I'd kinda do anything Shania Twain told me to do, and I'd like it. Ohhhh yes, I'd like it. But, I digress. Some songs happened, and some people shined with them, while others would have done better tripping off the stage and chipping a tooth on Randy's cowboy boot. Only these paragraphs will tell.
1. Rawhide!! Alien Stacey finally has a reason for landing! It's to sell records as a country singer. Which now makes a lot more sense, because we all know he likely touched down in some cornfield in backbrush Nebraska. I was downright proud of the man, who by now likely has a personal P.O. Box set up in the Bottom 3. He rocked it from start to finish, and for the first time, didn't make us have to wonder exactly what it is about him we don't like. I could see him at his own country concert, with fans actually buying it, bald or no bald. And by his own country concert I of course mean one in which he opens for Carrie Underwood when the other, actually famous country act backed out last minute, but hey, it's still more than he could've hoped for 2 days ago. The saddest part is that he could very easily head home tonight, and there'd be no justice in that, given that every other man up there this week pretty much reeked. But at least he now has a musical home and can do what prior to Bucky Covington and that shitty Pickler girl, was thought to be impossible for unfamous famous people -- have a hit single.
2. Jordin made up for those dang low notes she still won't ever get along with by singing miraculously for the rest of the song, and especially when it counts most: the second half of it. From the top part of her dress up, she looked luscious, and as long as the camera had nothing to do with that orange monstrosity down South, she was wholly enjoyable from a third of the way in on. Her ending was the best yet this season, and she soared in all the right places. So, now she can rest easy as she takes one slot in this season's finale show - if not the crown. She wouldn't deserve the crown based on vocal talent alone, but even with her inconsistencies, she has more of the total "American Idol" package than anyone else, in that she's lovable, purty, young, and incredibly talented. Melinda is 1 of those things (I'll let you guess which one), and completely unsurprising in her prowess to boot. At least Jordin knows how to keep us guessing, for better (last night and that other time she did the same exact thing on a winning vocal... just stood there) and for worse (those times when she looks ridiculous, misses more notes than she makes, mimes, and moves alot).
3. There's nothing to say really. Although his hanky on hair maneuver didn't bother me as much as it probably should have. What did bother me beyond repair, however, is the fact that this was the second time this season that someone ungood chose to murder a Bonnie Raitt song. Can everyone who sucks please stop messing with my babymama? Please? Now, I do realize that "Something to Talk About" is a perennial Idol favorite, but I think there should be a general rule that states if Fantasia has sung it before, it need not be repeated. Then again, when it comes to Sanjaya, the rule should likely state that if it's ever been sung before, it need not be repeated. As aforementioned, tonight could present a rockier road for Mr. Mal (yes, both English and Spanish connotations apply), but I fear it's not the end. Having received first-hand warning that he is in fact the only talk of every town in India, I can only surmise that we's in trouble. We's in trouble plenty.
4. Lakisha disappointed for the most part, because we all know she should have not been singing that song, in that way. The only silver lining was that she once again looked ravishing in a much less "conspicious" way, and she didn't stink up the joint nearly as much as she did last week. That's the good news. The bad news is girlfriend will likely be sleeping on my couch sooner than later, because if she has one more bad go, she will not even make it to the top 3, let alone the throne. The distance between her and The Doo has widened to nearly seismic proportions, and Jordy's youthful, "hot today, not tomorrow" edge that keeps us wondering is about to slice her down the middle if she's not careful. She sings better than any of them, but without the external factors that Jordin has working in her favor, Keeks can't afford to be streaky. And I don't know about you, but something suggested to me last night that Lakisha may not even be enjoying herself anymore. She seems distant, which teeters on disconnected too much of the time. I totally understand her feeling that way -- mainly because American Idol is and always will be a poptastic joke in itself -- but the second the fans think she doesn't mind leaving, well, they'll be the first to help expedite that very process. I love you still, my dearest fellow Marylander, but the finish line is getting blurrier and blurrier for you, and it's next week or never.
5. Chris Richardson was great -- for those 5 seconds in the second sixth of the song. Then the rest happened and left me as confused about his angle in hanging on in this competition as I am about RyRy's sexuality and Paula's fashion choices. I commend him for the most interesting and traditionally country song choice of the night, but it just didn't work. And it HAD to work, because his nasality is giving everyone a headache by now, and when no one even really knows the song you're singing, you have to do the Melinda and kick it in the ass twice over to convince everyone to send a vote or two your way. Now, the bedeviled shrieks from the hot-obsessed females in the crowd suggest some youngins are still going to pull for him, and his last ditch attempt to gain "hometraining votes" for his shoutout to VTU could help the Virginia boy this time around. But I doubt it. And even though we were all kinda thinking it, boo on Simon for revealing his eye-roll after the remarks were made. It would've worked a lot better if Chris had performed well, but given that he sucked, it all just made him look like a 4-year-old with floaties on in the baby pool. Parents hands on back and belly included. I hope he kept them on for tonight.
6. Finally, Simon shut down what I saw in Memphis audition Round 1 that now everyone apparently is just SO ANNOYED with. Yeah, Melinda's fake thing? Yeah. That. Funny how, if she had been that genuinely humble and surprised the whole time, then why didn't it take more than 0.14 seconds for her to turn it off completely? Oh? She's fake? Oh. Oh, I see. Thank you. The second she got word that that little maneuver was making her less endearing than moreso, the robot in her deleted the calculation, never to be seen again (hopefully). Trouble is, seeing her drop the act so fast made her even more unlovable to me, despite being the only person deserving of the Idol crown this year. She was fantastic, although the song wasn't very challenging for someone with her chops.. and she looked LEAGUES better than in previous weeks. It's likely she and Jordin in the finale, which, ironically, would actually give Jordin a better chance at winning than if it were Blake. Wait. Read what I just wrote again. Is that not the most disgusting sentence ever written? I know, I know, which part is more disgusting ... the fact that Melinda could easily not win American Idol this year, or that Blake could even get in the finale at all. Too close to call. But I'm nauseous as a result, that much is clear. I do wish I could take the words back, but I can't. There's too much truth in them to keep it all to myself. And so...we weep.
7. Blake sucked even for Blake, which brought me great joy as I could then avoid hearing SPR jones on him like a sucking candy. Or so I thought, after hearing Blake's unbelievably large hot air balloon of talent deflate and crash in a field somewhere. But, once again, the judges got whatever under-the-table offer they've been getting to blow this kid up beyond all comprehension, and continued this rant about how great he is. The Rand said he "knows who he is", which is obviously not the case, because if he did know that, he would be at home coming up with new beats for Gwen's discohipop album rather than trying to sing on American Idol. And singing is really a generous term in Blake's case; it's more like cavemanic yawning with some noise coming out. He's a joke, and you all know you read this blog because I keep it real regardless of what the tides of pop fanaticism may draw forth. He is in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM deserving of the title Idol, and would almost insult me more than Sanjaya winning, because in Blake's case, people would have meant for him to win based on his talent. Despite being stronger than I ever thought I could be in that I still manage to get out of bed each day after seeing who's currently famous for their "musical" "talent", that possibility is not something I'm ready to live with. So much so, that if it's Sanjaya or Blake in the finale, I say to you now that I will join my Hindu brethren in the fight for a joke star than an overrated one. I say it. And in a few weeks time, with enough liquor in me, I just might mean it.
So... given that there are only 7 contestants left, there very well may not be a bottom 3 this week. I'm guessing more like a bottom 2. In which case, look for Chris and Phil to be doing some double-dutch mid-stage. But, assuming there are 3, here's the bettin', and you know I've had a hot hand lately so don't sleep.
Shoulda (but won't): Sanjaya Malakar
Coulda: Chris Richardson
Wild Card: Phil Stacey
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Every Doo Has Its Day
Well, for all of you who were wondering, I finally figured out why Jennifer Lopez was asked to come anywhere near a few talented singers this season. For starters, it finally gave JLo a chance to see what talent looks like up close and in person, which, as I'm sure AI's producers were hoping, would then force her to committ suicide for having put us through so many of her own failed attempts at having just that. Second, it would give the less talented like herself any hope of usurping Melinda and Lakisha's stronghold over the top slots. And although I regret to report that JLo still loves herself too much to give us back that wasted oxygen she takes up, she did manage to give the horrible among AI this year a chance at survival - heck, victory even. Mainly because JNo's only gift aside from looking great all the time is worsening everything with which she comes in contact. Hence, we were party to what was, HANDS DOWN, the WORST NIGHT on American Idol, in the history of American Idol. Every one of them up there were parodies of themselves, which by all reasoning shouldn't even be possible given that all AI contestants are already parodying themselves, their musical dreams, and their sense of "accomplishment" by being on the show. Yet, leaving no good thing unturned, Jennifer made former greats look embarrassing, allowing for generally awful singers to shine solely by the laws of relativity. What we were left with was a wholly forgettable night of performances, and an empty space in our souls where great singing should've gone. The injustice of how the tables have turned thanks to JNo's evil hand goes without saying. Thus, there is nothing I can do but review it, and cry. Cry because Sanjaya may be in the finals now, cry because Blake may even win it, and cry because all last night proved was that none of these final contestants have the impermeable lovability of any Idols past... which, in the end will leave us with a winner, but without an inspiration.
And so, I'm going back to kicking rocks in my backyard, as I recall the 8 sucky, lifeless, insulting wastes of our time that took place, in this order:
1. The producers finally put Melinda in the dreaded first slot, and lo and behold, she sucked. As Simon pointed out, everyone was waiting for a day when The Doo wouldn't deliver, but I was beginning to think she'd never let it happen when the cameras were on. I'm happy to be wrong, but I also could've done something much more exciting for those two minutes than sit there and wait for the good part to kick in. Come to think of it, I should probably stop waiting for it, because now I realize it's never going to come when Melinda tries to be sensual and sultry in any way. I'm not sure whether necks are generally a prerequisite for sass, but how else can my fellow sistas say "Oh! Oh NO you didn'!" to any effect without one? And, how else is the wholly unsexy Doo supposed to evoke sexy when the very body part necessary for verve just ain't there? And her What-to-Wear book obviously took a hike upon hearing that JLo was coming to town, because she looked roughly 53 in that outfit and 'do. Nothing was working, nothing was next-level, and nothing was memorable about it in a good way. Now, I'd like to think that Ms. Doolittle is a fan of the blog and therefore was just trying to follow my advice from last week, which suggested she suck a bit in order to use vulnerability to her advantage, but this was not the way to go about it. Y'see, when Jordin doesn't rock all the time, people like it because the sugary imperfection is lovable to those who ride on her train, but Melinda's version of imperfection was stiff, bland, aged, and impersonal. I'm glad to be reminded that in fact no one is perfect, but you'd think that JLo would have at least shown LindyLoo how to stretch weakness as far as it can possibly go. Guess not.
2. Then, in an unexpected turn in sequencing, Ryan announced that Lakisha would be going next. So naturally, I sat there with joy emanating from every pore, having just seen Melinda leave the road to victory wide open for my beloved. Here was the moment I'd been waiting for! Kiki was going to kick her while she was down - and I was going to replay that glorious moment on my DVR until the end of time. Until Kiki came out and was equally as bad as Melinda, equally as forgettable, and equally as wince-inducing. I may never recover from the disappointment, but I just don't understand what came over her to choose such a song. Anyone who's ever sang - showerstages include - knows that that song is not a singer's song, it's a dancer's song, an entertainer's song, an aerobics class's song. If one seeks to impress others as a mediocre vocalist, like Gloria Estefan does so well is so many different ways, then this is a perfect selection. But for actually great singers, it's a joke. And the joke's most certainly on the one singing. Kiki did look great again, even if each of her breasts has its own zip code, but that was it. And when I saw her make her way to the bottom 3 tonight, I ... well... I... *sigh*. I don't want to talk about it. Moving on.
3. Chris was pretty bad again, but we didn't really realize it as much because thankfully M&L Productions failed to produce. He was more fun, he did sing a more contemporary song, and he did open up in the end without overdoing it. But, the majority of it was messy, paling in comparison to the infectious Rob Thomas/Santana original. He should have lured Alien Stacey away from "Maria, Maria" with Reese's pieces because that would've have been a better song for him, but at least he stayed in his safe zone (i.e. uptempo), hoping like he always does that the fun energy of the music itself will obscure his lackluster vocals. And the more I think about it, I don't think he fooled many people this time around; his ass will be lucky if he isn't holding hands with Haley tonight. And we all know where she'll be.
4. Speaking of which, Haley continued to sing like a B-rated off-Broadway ensemble understudy, but her safe zone -- or zones to be more exact -- were still trying to take our eyes off the real matter at hand. I give her credit for choosing the best song she could choose on a night like last night, and for shamelessly trying to win points with JLo by wearing the EXACT same outfit as Ms. Lopez during rehearsal. Although, it must have been depressing to walk in thinking "Man, I can't wait to bond with Jennifer about being considered hot singers!", only to discover that standing next to Jenny heavily underscores how overrated Haley is when it comes to attractiveness. But still, it all amounts to the same question: why is she still here? Dare I say it, I'm more offended by her remaining presence on this show than Sanjaya. I mean, sure, he's an inverse counter-example to all things worth deeming "Idol", so I get the fanaticism. But Haley? She has never once impressed us vocally, she's not even that hot, she has absolutely zero edge, and yet, she stays week after week. Hopefully, if my powers of perception are worth anything, the make-up mishap that occurred on her face last night could finally have sealed the deal once and for all. If you all remember, Gina went home earlier than expected, and I attribute this primarily to not only the power of prayer, but to the power of wearing slutty makeup and too-bright red lipstick in unflattering ways. I will forever contend that Gina's awful makeup last week was her downfall, and I'm hoping that Haley's similarly blinding gestures this week will follow suit.
5. Phil chose the right song for him, in that it was soulful and vocally challenging, but like Chris, he failed to do the original justice or to get any "wow"'s from the crowd on a song that is built for just that. He's still the best male vocalist there, and that's still not much of a compliment, but the awful hat choice, combined with the age-old fact that luck does indeed run out eventually means he very well could be singing that song again for us tonight. I wouldn't miss him that much, but I would feel somewhat bad given that on vocal chops alone, he should be there longer than a lot of these other tools. He may scrape by again tonight, but all he's got left is us wondering when he's finally gonna get the axe, and last time I checked, that's not a great place to be in in a talent show. Not in high school, not in college, not at open mics, and definitely not on American Idol.
6. Jordin was a B/B+ yet again, and also continued her love for bratty miming whenever she stands next to Ryan Seacrest, but she's clearly not going anywhere. But I will tell you where you'll be going if you ever say she looks a lot like me. Straight to hell. That's where. (Note: I have gotten confirmation from everyone who's ever seen a resemblance that she's looks like a less attractive version of me plus 50 or so pounds. Which, I can only barely deal with. But I suggest that if you'd like to draw comparisons to me and this chick, you do it in the privacy of your own head, lest you wanna lose it. I looked like her (less 50 pounds) for like 2 minutes in 8th grade, and I'm pretty damn sure that doesn't count. So even if you think she's really pretty, kindly take that ridiculousness outside.) Oh, and by the way, Jordin is quickly filling up the Kat McPhee spot that I had nursed long and hard last year.. namely, the very talented contestant who does not deserve to win the title due to incredibly streaky, too-often flawed performances. So, even if she does win and everyone's all chummy about it, I won't be that moved (see intro paragraph for more clarification). In fact, I'd likely be depressed until next January when Idol gives me some new options.
7. Blake clearly had the performance of the night, and, in my opinion, his best performance thus far. And, thanks to the fact that everyone else was offensively bad this time around, his winning move probably secured him a seat at the finale, if not the throne itself. Now, don't get me wrong, the thought of Blake actually winning American Idol (as I think of so many contestants past who didn't even get close -- Tamyra Gray, Jennifer Hudson, George Huff, and last but never EVER least, E Double L Yamin) would undoubtedly be the saddest event in US History since 9/11. That said, he did what Kiki should have done, kicking EVERYONE while they were down and running away with it. It was a perfect song choice for him in that it doesn't require much more than singing one central note, he left behind his shitty excuse for talent known as beatboxing, and he wore a hat whose ugliness detracted substantially from his own. Well played, skaterboy. Well played. Heck, he's even going so low as to script himself into more face time by telling JLo to conveniently call him over for a lame drum beat during Haley's rehearsal. Savvy, I tell you. Ever so conveniently savvy. Leave it to the hip-hop producer to make the most out of nothing much at all. Now I see why JLo played along with it, having seen so much of herself in him.
8. And finally, Sanjaya put on his shipwrecked man costume and damn near choked me to death with the nerve of it all. His hair, his "facial hair", his generally weird persona that's really starting to give me the heeby jeebies... what to say anymore? He definitely didn't suck, I'll give him that. Shoot, in parts, he even sounded like a singer. But as I mentioned last week, I'm hoping that he starts to up his vocal game like this with continued speed, because ironic as it may be, the better he gets, the closer he'll come to being eliminated. If he stays awful, the more pity-plus-playing around votes he'll muster. But if he starts trying to be taken seriously as a singer, well, party over. Howard Stern will leave him, whoever made the awesome "Sanjaya is my Papaya" sign will leave him, and his unfathomable fame will leave him too. Here's hoping the boy continues to step it up, so that he can more quietly step down when his time finally comes. Of course, that's my fantasy... the reality is he's got more votes than you'd believe.. so much so that he could veritably win it if the stars align the right way. I don't think God is that mean, but you never know, and Sanjaya still being here is proof enough of that.
So.. bettin's on people! Here's where it all gets murky and mucky. Especially when everyone performs as bad as that. But here I go!
Shoulda: Haley Scarnato
Coulda: Phil Stacey
Wild Card: Chris Richardson
And so, I'm going back to kicking rocks in my backyard, as I recall the 8 sucky, lifeless, insulting wastes of our time that took place, in this order:
1. The producers finally put Melinda in the dreaded first slot, and lo and behold, she sucked. As Simon pointed out, everyone was waiting for a day when The Doo wouldn't deliver, but I was beginning to think she'd never let it happen when the cameras were on. I'm happy to be wrong, but I also could've done something much more exciting for those two minutes than sit there and wait for the good part to kick in. Come to think of it, I should probably stop waiting for it, because now I realize it's never going to come when Melinda tries to be sensual and sultry in any way. I'm not sure whether necks are generally a prerequisite for sass, but how else can my fellow sistas say "Oh! Oh NO you didn'!" to any effect without one? And, how else is the wholly unsexy Doo supposed to evoke sexy when the very body part necessary for verve just ain't there? And her What-to-Wear book obviously took a hike upon hearing that JLo was coming to town, because she looked roughly 53 in that outfit and 'do. Nothing was working, nothing was next-level, and nothing was memorable about it in a good way. Now, I'd like to think that Ms. Doolittle is a fan of the blog and therefore was just trying to follow my advice from last week, which suggested she suck a bit in order to use vulnerability to her advantage, but this was not the way to go about it. Y'see, when Jordin doesn't rock all the time, people like it because the sugary imperfection is lovable to those who ride on her train, but Melinda's version of imperfection was stiff, bland, aged, and impersonal. I'm glad to be reminded that in fact no one is perfect, but you'd think that JLo would have at least shown LindyLoo how to stretch weakness as far as it can possibly go. Guess not.
2. Then, in an unexpected turn in sequencing, Ryan announced that Lakisha would be going next. So naturally, I sat there with joy emanating from every pore, having just seen Melinda leave the road to victory wide open for my beloved. Here was the moment I'd been waiting for! Kiki was going to kick her while she was down - and I was going to replay that glorious moment on my DVR until the end of time. Until Kiki came out and was equally as bad as Melinda, equally as forgettable, and equally as wince-inducing. I may never recover from the disappointment, but I just don't understand what came over her to choose such a song. Anyone who's ever sang - showerstages include - knows that that song is not a singer's song, it's a dancer's song, an entertainer's song, an aerobics class's song. If one seeks to impress others as a mediocre vocalist, like Gloria Estefan does so well is so many different ways, then this is a perfect selection. But for actually great singers, it's a joke. And the joke's most certainly on the one singing. Kiki did look great again, even if each of her breasts has its own zip code, but that was it. And when I saw her make her way to the bottom 3 tonight, I ... well... I... *sigh*. I don't want to talk about it. Moving on.
3. Chris was pretty bad again, but we didn't really realize it as much because thankfully M&L Productions failed to produce. He was more fun, he did sing a more contemporary song, and he did open up in the end without overdoing it. But, the majority of it was messy, paling in comparison to the infectious Rob Thomas/Santana original. He should have lured Alien Stacey away from "Maria, Maria" with Reese's pieces because that would've have been a better song for him, but at least he stayed in his safe zone (i.e. uptempo), hoping like he always does that the fun energy of the music itself will obscure his lackluster vocals. And the more I think about it, I don't think he fooled many people this time around; his ass will be lucky if he isn't holding hands with Haley tonight. And we all know where she'll be.
4. Speaking of which, Haley continued to sing like a B-rated off-Broadway ensemble understudy, but her safe zone -- or zones to be more exact -- were still trying to take our eyes off the real matter at hand. I give her credit for choosing the best song she could choose on a night like last night, and for shamelessly trying to win points with JLo by wearing the EXACT same outfit as Ms. Lopez during rehearsal. Although, it must have been depressing to walk in thinking "Man, I can't wait to bond with Jennifer about being considered hot singers!", only to discover that standing next to Jenny heavily underscores how overrated Haley is when it comes to attractiveness. But still, it all amounts to the same question: why is she still here? Dare I say it, I'm more offended by her remaining presence on this show than Sanjaya. I mean, sure, he's an inverse counter-example to all things worth deeming "Idol", so I get the fanaticism. But Haley? She has never once impressed us vocally, she's not even that hot, she has absolutely zero edge, and yet, she stays week after week. Hopefully, if my powers of perception are worth anything, the make-up mishap that occurred on her face last night could finally have sealed the deal once and for all. If you all remember, Gina went home earlier than expected, and I attribute this primarily to not only the power of prayer, but to the power of wearing slutty makeup and too-bright red lipstick in unflattering ways. I will forever contend that Gina's awful makeup last week was her downfall, and I'm hoping that Haley's similarly blinding gestures this week will follow suit.
5. Phil chose the right song for him, in that it was soulful and vocally challenging, but like Chris, he failed to do the original justice or to get any "wow"'s from the crowd on a song that is built for just that. He's still the best male vocalist there, and that's still not much of a compliment, but the awful hat choice, combined with the age-old fact that luck does indeed run out eventually means he very well could be singing that song again for us tonight. I wouldn't miss him that much, but I would feel somewhat bad given that on vocal chops alone, he should be there longer than a lot of these other tools. He may scrape by again tonight, but all he's got left is us wondering when he's finally gonna get the axe, and last time I checked, that's not a great place to be in in a talent show. Not in high school, not in college, not at open mics, and definitely not on American Idol.
6. Jordin was a B/B+ yet again, and also continued her love for bratty miming whenever she stands next to Ryan Seacrest, but she's clearly not going anywhere. But I will tell you where you'll be going if you ever say she looks a lot like me. Straight to hell. That's where. (Note: I have gotten confirmation from everyone who's ever seen a resemblance that she's looks like a less attractive version of me plus 50 or so pounds. Which, I can only barely deal with. But I suggest that if you'd like to draw comparisons to me and this chick, you do it in the privacy of your own head, lest you wanna lose it. I looked like her (less 50 pounds) for like 2 minutes in 8th grade, and I'm pretty damn sure that doesn't count. So even if you think she's really pretty, kindly take that ridiculousness outside.) Oh, and by the way, Jordin is quickly filling up the Kat McPhee spot that I had nursed long and hard last year.. namely, the very talented contestant who does not deserve to win the title due to incredibly streaky, too-often flawed performances. So, even if she does win and everyone's all chummy about it, I won't be that moved (see intro paragraph for more clarification). In fact, I'd likely be depressed until next January when Idol gives me some new options.
7. Blake clearly had the performance of the night, and, in my opinion, his best performance thus far. And, thanks to the fact that everyone else was offensively bad this time around, his winning move probably secured him a seat at the finale, if not the throne itself. Now, don't get me wrong, the thought of Blake actually winning American Idol (as I think of so many contestants past who didn't even get close -- Tamyra Gray, Jennifer Hudson, George Huff, and last but never EVER least, E Double L Yamin) would undoubtedly be the saddest event in US History since 9/11. That said, he did what Kiki should have done, kicking EVERYONE while they were down and running away with it. It was a perfect song choice for him in that it doesn't require much more than singing one central note, he left behind his shitty excuse for talent known as beatboxing, and he wore a hat whose ugliness detracted substantially from his own. Well played, skaterboy. Well played. Heck, he's even going so low as to script himself into more face time by telling JLo to conveniently call him over for a lame drum beat during Haley's rehearsal. Savvy, I tell you. Ever so conveniently savvy. Leave it to the hip-hop producer to make the most out of nothing much at all. Now I see why JLo played along with it, having seen so much of herself in him.
8. And finally, Sanjaya put on his shipwrecked man costume and damn near choked me to death with the nerve of it all. His hair, his "facial hair", his generally weird persona that's really starting to give me the heeby jeebies... what to say anymore? He definitely didn't suck, I'll give him that. Shoot, in parts, he even sounded like a singer. But as I mentioned last week, I'm hoping that he starts to up his vocal game like this with continued speed, because ironic as it may be, the better he gets, the closer he'll come to being eliminated. If he stays awful, the more pity-plus-playing around votes he'll muster. But if he starts trying to be taken seriously as a singer, well, party over. Howard Stern will leave him, whoever made the awesome "Sanjaya is my Papaya" sign will leave him, and his unfathomable fame will leave him too. Here's hoping the boy continues to step it up, so that he can more quietly step down when his time finally comes. Of course, that's my fantasy... the reality is he's got more votes than you'd believe.. so much so that he could veritably win it if the stars align the right way. I don't think God is that mean, but you never know, and Sanjaya still being here is proof enough of that.
So.. bettin's on people! Here's where it all gets murky and mucky. Especially when everyone performs as bad as that. But here I go!
Shoulda: Haley Scarnato
Coulda: Phil Stacey
Wild Card: Chris Richardson
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Singing 101: "How To Win It, When Lakisha's In It". -- Dr. Doolitte
So, Tony Bennett's really old. Not too old to win a Grammy, true, but definitely too old to remember being on American Idol last night. I wonder if he's wondering at this very moment who this weird-looking gay guy Ryan Seacrest is, and why he's asking him what he needs for his results show performance tonight. It's gotta be nightmarish, because as scary as waking up to Ryan Seacrest would be, combining that with the faint white light at the corner of all his dreams has just got to be hell. Unfortunately, he was also responsible for one of the snooziest competition weeks on American Idol. But at least I don't have to watch Akon and Gwen pretend to know anything about singing this time around.
So, without further ado, The Nine.
1. Blake sucked once again, and then sat back as SPR simultaneously sucked his ass for nothing special. What can I say? The extent to which this kid is overrated makes me break out into hives and heatrash, after which I'm forced to open my eyes and find a way to somehow deal with his face. He's nothing special, he rarely impresses on vocals alone, he's un-good-looking, shit, he's not even tall, and yet the judges mistake him for Antonella with Melinda's pipes. I just don't understand, and I'm not going to spend more time on it because I've lost enough hair over this kid as it is. All I'll say is that on his personally relative scale that ranges from overrated but interesting to overrated and redefining the term bad, he was closer to the latter than the former. In short, one of his weakest performances thus far on all counts.
2. Once again, Phil channeled well in terms of vocals, but I hope he at least had enough time in the limelight to buy some more expensive luggage for his trip home tonight. He needs blowout performances from here on in to stay in it, having scraped the bottom slot so many times thus far when votes are counted. This time, despite trying to eek out as many little hairs as his baldness will allow, it's too little, too boring, too elevatory, too weird-looking, to extraterrestrial, too late.
3. In the only war that's kept me watching this season, one can only say the obvious after a show like last night's: Melinda is the most seasoned American Idol contestant in the show's history. That said, in a world where Sir Suckalot is still around week after week for no comprehensible reason, the fact that The Doo is the most consistently amazing singer out there doesn't mean she'll win. It would surely be an ironic twist of fate should she happen to cede the throne because she's too good, but it wouldn't be suprising. In fact, her solid work time and time again could be her downfall and here's why. She's started to enter a weird backwards zone, wherein people don't go beserk over her peformances because they're all picture perfect. All of a sudden, the great singer/storyteller has no reality TV story of her own; no capacity to move audiences with greatness because she's never been anything but great. I worry for her in this regard, because it would seem unfair that the strongest contestant be cast aside precisely because she's so strong, but when you sprinkle in a head shrug of disingenuine shock whenever someone compliments her talent for the 2 billionth time, I cease to care all that much. Never in my life did I expect to say this about an AI contestant, but I highly recommend that Melinda show some sign of weakness -- even if that's a totally manufactured cryfest mid-song that prevents her from singing well for 3.6 seconds. It'd be nicer, though, if she just kinda didn't kick a song in the ass so completely even just once -- because while never making a mistake helped Fantasia claim the title years ago, The Doo does not have the natural heart-filling humility, strong personality, or emotional past of her predecessor. Melinda's coming in an overly solid form that electrifies you like a force of nature, but doesn't let you in. A little liquid will go a long way for this powerhouse (tears, sweat, anything... just not pee, pee's never good).. and it will make winning the title Idol easier than, say, beatboxing.
4. Chris (so glad I know longer have to specify your last name - die Sligh, die) did as kickass a job as he can do at this point. He's never going to outmatch the (actually) strong vocalists in the competition, but he looked hot from the fedora down, he displayed cool quite convincingly despite the risky hat choice, and he's keeping his name in the tabloids by supposedly dating former contestant Alaina Alexander. Now, we all know that's really Alaina's last-ditch attempt t keep her name in the tabloids because she knows singing ain't gonna do it, but at least people are talking about him. And as Sanjaya can teach, keeping people talking about you could even get Ryan Seacrest to call you a "legend" in the same sentence as Tony Bennett. He should be okay from elimination, and I give my loverboy kudos for recovering nicely since the bottom 2 slipup of 2 weeks ago, but he could pay a surprise visit to the bottom 3 tonight if enough people have finally decided they're too tired to care. I hope that's not the case, but I have a variety of ways to cheer him up if it comes to that -- Alaina or no Alaina.
5. Jordin sang crystal clearly for the most part, but she still hasn't redeemed herself since slipping so far downhill during last week's debacle of a performance. She's back to her original form, which is the kid who sounds great for the most part, but not for enough of the part to win it on merit alone. She's lucky she's young and cute, she'll be here till just about the very end, and her curly hair finally looked right last night. All fine and good. But her bratass persona still pokes out when you need to see it least (i.e. ever) and it's going to hurt her as long as she decides not to sing fantastically from start to finish. Oh, and in case no one else has said it yet aside from my post last week, she has absolutely ZERO low notes. So, someone should tell her to avoid them at all costs, instead of trying oh-so-hard to hit just one of them to prove to herself and us that she can, damnit, she can!! Answer: you can't. So stop crapping over your own strengths by over-showcasing your constant weaknesses. And I'll just repeat what those weaknesses are not only for emphasis but in hopes that perhaps the karma gods will usher them to your little ear one day: 1) you's a brat, shut the hell up, stop miming and just stand there why don't ya; and 2) low notes are not your friend -- in fact they hate you almost as much as I hate hearing you try to connect with them to no avail.
6. Gina, I don't know why people keep saying your performance was "understated" and mean it in a good way. Perhaps because they're still reeling from your efforts last week to do your very very not-good-enough best. That's fine for them. But here, in the blog of reality, I will tell you the truth. You breathed new life into the word boring, you were average from start to finish, and despite being quite the simpleton, you didn't even command a simple rendition of a pretty simple song at any point. That said, you do have one very clear strength: the ability to use makeup and styling to such disadvantage that I almost want to take notes because I've never seen anything like it before. You looked downright HEINOUS last night. And this wasn't a styling issue alone; this was your face, your hair, it was all just covered in wrong. Smothered in it. And I'm hoping that they put your ass in the bottom 3 for the first time solely because those dipshits who vote for you each week were too blinded by the sight of you to dial your number correctly. This is my hope and my prayer. Now don't go bragging about this to your tranny friends, but your dismissal is my reason for living.
7. Hmm...so it looks like Miami Vice met up for drinks with Carol Brady last night, and things got a little messy. No... a lot messy. And all of a sudden a freakish mutant child was birthed out of the fray, only to now be known as Sanjaya. The undeniably worst part of it all, however, was that he didn't completely and utterly suck, which is what we need if any of these Indians are going to let up. Although on the other hand, if he ups his vocal game just a bit more to below average, perhaps Howard Stern will stop trying to make a farce of the show by using him as the posterchild for talentless America. There was a two-way tie for best part of the performance -- one of which was the end, of course; the other being Simon's comments. Brilliant move for a hopeless man who can see no other way to rid us of this beast. As an equally hopeless woman with hearing ability, I'd like to join the Cowell call and say only this: Sanjaya was fucking AMAZING, wasn't he?!?!? I mean, who knew this kid had that in him after all this time and all that flack? I'm so moved I may even vote for him next week.. cuz obviously he'll be here next week because he so deserves it! Whew!! What rhymes with FAN!??? Duh --- Me!!
(K, I'm gonna go projectile puke on myself now... but I'll be back in a minute to finish this up.)
...So, where were we? Ah yes.
8. Haley didn't look good in that color green by the way, and if there was any doubt, let's just say she got the fashion compliment from Captain Paula Abdul. But the gams were blowin in the wind, the boobs weren't far behind, and she really left nothing else to the imagination except a kind world where she sounds great. She sang something, who knows what or why, but she did cuz those are the rules and I suppose she ought to in order to keep the producers happy. Personally, I'd be happier if she just stood there. Preferrably with no lights on. Sigh, oh well. Unlike the other horrible beings, however, I don't have anything against Haley. I think I got on her pep train a bit when Simon burned a cigarette onto her soul by saying he didn't even know her name. The fact that she's still here is a nice sock in the crotch, and unlike Gina, she doesn't look like mud, so hey, I'm neutral. She's welcome to stay a week or two more, she's welcome to go, but the bottom three is surely hers to keep this week.
9. Lakisha stumbled a bit in the first third of her performance, but it's negligible when looking at the performance as a whole, which, per usual, was kind of like awesome. She slipped to number two in the Chocolate War of 2007, but that's exactly what's keeping this so entertaining from start to finish. Whatever she didn't do perfectly out of the gate last night, she made up for in the latter stages, and proved once again why on vocals alone, she is the queen to beat. But The Doo has the package deal right now when it comes to stageowning, so it's an uphill battle for Kiki until next week. Now, I know my woman will come correct when the bell tolls, but I do wish she had chosen a stronger song that would have allowed her to open up a lot more. For the most part, she stayed low and in control, which is fine but not life-changing like her up high and in control can be. And if she's going to take the baton back from LindyLoo, it has to be with rich, soaring vocals that only Kiki can master. After tonight, we take that turn into Seriousville, where every decision one makes is the difference between staying and going...and no decision will be more important than song choice. Her competitor has that art down pat, so it's locker room and chalkboard time for Kiki & Co. Somehow, I'm confident the cosmic x's and o's will tie together beautifully for her, no matter what the result.
So, who's packin up? I'm still dusting my shoulder off from the past 2 weeks' predictions, so excuse me if I'm a little occupied when making this week's guesses:
Shoulda (but won't): SanDIEya -- 'cuz he shouldn't even be here to begin with
Coulda (most likely): Phil Stacey
WildCard: Haley Scarnato
So, without further ado, The Nine.
1. Blake sucked once again, and then sat back as SPR simultaneously sucked his ass for nothing special. What can I say? The extent to which this kid is overrated makes me break out into hives and heatrash, after which I'm forced to open my eyes and find a way to somehow deal with his face. He's nothing special, he rarely impresses on vocals alone, he's un-good-looking, shit, he's not even tall, and yet the judges mistake him for Antonella with Melinda's pipes. I just don't understand, and I'm not going to spend more time on it because I've lost enough hair over this kid as it is. All I'll say is that on his personally relative scale that ranges from overrated but interesting to overrated and redefining the term bad, he was closer to the latter than the former. In short, one of his weakest performances thus far on all counts.
2. Once again, Phil channeled well in terms of vocals, but I hope he at least had enough time in the limelight to buy some more expensive luggage for his trip home tonight. He needs blowout performances from here on in to stay in it, having scraped the bottom slot so many times thus far when votes are counted. This time, despite trying to eek out as many little hairs as his baldness will allow, it's too little, too boring, too elevatory, too weird-looking, to extraterrestrial, too late.
3. In the only war that's kept me watching this season, one can only say the obvious after a show like last night's: Melinda is the most seasoned American Idol contestant in the show's history. That said, in a world where Sir Suckalot is still around week after week for no comprehensible reason, the fact that The Doo is the most consistently amazing singer out there doesn't mean she'll win. It would surely be an ironic twist of fate should she happen to cede the throne because she's too good, but it wouldn't be suprising. In fact, her solid work time and time again could be her downfall and here's why. She's started to enter a weird backwards zone, wherein people don't go beserk over her peformances because they're all picture perfect. All of a sudden, the great singer/storyteller has no reality TV story of her own; no capacity to move audiences with greatness because she's never been anything but great. I worry for her in this regard, because it would seem unfair that the strongest contestant be cast aside precisely because she's so strong, but when you sprinkle in a head shrug of disingenuine shock whenever someone compliments her talent for the 2 billionth time, I cease to care all that much. Never in my life did I expect to say this about an AI contestant, but I highly recommend that Melinda show some sign of weakness -- even if that's a totally manufactured cryfest mid-song that prevents her from singing well for 3.6 seconds. It'd be nicer, though, if she just kinda didn't kick a song in the ass so completely even just once -- because while never making a mistake helped Fantasia claim the title years ago, The Doo does not have the natural heart-filling humility, strong personality, or emotional past of her predecessor. Melinda's coming in an overly solid form that electrifies you like a force of nature, but doesn't let you in. A little liquid will go a long way for this powerhouse (tears, sweat, anything... just not pee, pee's never good).. and it will make winning the title Idol easier than, say, beatboxing.
4. Chris (so glad I know longer have to specify your last name - die Sligh, die) did as kickass a job as he can do at this point. He's never going to outmatch the (actually) strong vocalists in the competition, but he looked hot from the fedora down, he displayed cool quite convincingly despite the risky hat choice, and he's keeping his name in the tabloids by supposedly dating former contestant Alaina Alexander. Now, we all know that's really Alaina's last-ditch attempt t keep her name in the tabloids because she knows singing ain't gonna do it, but at least people are talking about him. And as Sanjaya can teach, keeping people talking about you could even get Ryan Seacrest to call you a "legend" in the same sentence as Tony Bennett. He should be okay from elimination, and I give my loverboy kudos for recovering nicely since the bottom 2 slipup of 2 weeks ago, but he could pay a surprise visit to the bottom 3 tonight if enough people have finally decided they're too tired to care. I hope that's not the case, but I have a variety of ways to cheer him up if it comes to that -- Alaina or no Alaina.
5. Jordin sang crystal clearly for the most part, but she still hasn't redeemed herself since slipping so far downhill during last week's debacle of a performance. She's back to her original form, which is the kid who sounds great for the most part, but not for enough of the part to win it on merit alone. She's lucky she's young and cute, she'll be here till just about the very end, and her curly hair finally looked right last night. All fine and good. But her bratass persona still pokes out when you need to see it least (i.e. ever) and it's going to hurt her as long as she decides not to sing fantastically from start to finish. Oh, and in case no one else has said it yet aside from my post last week, she has absolutely ZERO low notes. So, someone should tell her to avoid them at all costs, instead of trying oh-so-hard to hit just one of them to prove to herself and us that she can, damnit, she can!! Answer: you can't. So stop crapping over your own strengths by over-showcasing your constant weaknesses. And I'll just repeat what those weaknesses are not only for emphasis but in hopes that perhaps the karma gods will usher them to your little ear one day: 1) you's a brat, shut the hell up, stop miming and just stand there why don't ya; and 2) low notes are not your friend -- in fact they hate you almost as much as I hate hearing you try to connect with them to no avail.
6. Gina, I don't know why people keep saying your performance was "understated" and mean it in a good way. Perhaps because they're still reeling from your efforts last week to do your very very not-good-enough best. That's fine for them. But here, in the blog of reality, I will tell you the truth. You breathed new life into the word boring, you were average from start to finish, and despite being quite the simpleton, you didn't even command a simple rendition of a pretty simple song at any point. That said, you do have one very clear strength: the ability to use makeup and styling to such disadvantage that I almost want to take notes because I've never seen anything like it before. You looked downright HEINOUS last night. And this wasn't a styling issue alone; this was your face, your hair, it was all just covered in wrong. Smothered in it. And I'm hoping that they put your ass in the bottom 3 for the first time solely because those dipshits who vote for you each week were too blinded by the sight of you to dial your number correctly. This is my hope and my prayer. Now don't go bragging about this to your tranny friends, but your dismissal is my reason for living.
7. Hmm...so it looks like Miami Vice met up for drinks with Carol Brady last night, and things got a little messy. No... a lot messy. And all of a sudden a freakish mutant child was birthed out of the fray, only to now be known as Sanjaya. The undeniably worst part of it all, however, was that he didn't completely and utterly suck, which is what we need if any of these Indians are going to let up. Although on the other hand, if he ups his vocal game just a bit more to below average, perhaps Howard Stern will stop trying to make a farce of the show by using him as the posterchild for talentless America. There was a two-way tie for best part of the performance -- one of which was the end, of course; the other being Simon's comments. Brilliant move for a hopeless man who can see no other way to rid us of this beast. As an equally hopeless woman with hearing ability, I'd like to join the Cowell call and say only this: Sanjaya was fucking AMAZING, wasn't he?!?!? I mean, who knew this kid had that in him after all this time and all that flack? I'm so moved I may even vote for him next week.. cuz obviously he'll be here next week because he so deserves it! Whew!! What rhymes with FAN!??? Duh --- Me!!
(K, I'm gonna go projectile puke on myself now... but I'll be back in a minute to finish this up.)
...So, where were we? Ah yes.
8. Haley didn't look good in that color green by the way, and if there was any doubt, let's just say she got the fashion compliment from Captain Paula Abdul. But the gams were blowin in the wind, the boobs weren't far behind, and she really left nothing else to the imagination except a kind world where she sounds great. She sang something, who knows what or why, but she did cuz those are the rules and I suppose she ought to in order to keep the producers happy. Personally, I'd be happier if she just stood there. Preferrably with no lights on. Sigh, oh well. Unlike the other horrible beings, however, I don't have anything against Haley. I think I got on her pep train a bit when Simon burned a cigarette onto her soul by saying he didn't even know her name. The fact that she's still here is a nice sock in the crotch, and unlike Gina, she doesn't look like mud, so hey, I'm neutral. She's welcome to stay a week or two more, she's welcome to go, but the bottom three is surely hers to keep this week.
9. Lakisha stumbled a bit in the first third of her performance, but it's negligible when looking at the performance as a whole, which, per usual, was kind of like awesome. She slipped to number two in the Chocolate War of 2007, but that's exactly what's keeping this so entertaining from start to finish. Whatever she didn't do perfectly out of the gate last night, she made up for in the latter stages, and proved once again why on vocals alone, she is the queen to beat. But The Doo has the package deal right now when it comes to stageowning, so it's an uphill battle for Kiki until next week. Now, I know my woman will come correct when the bell tolls, but I do wish she had chosen a stronger song that would have allowed her to open up a lot more. For the most part, she stayed low and in control, which is fine but not life-changing like her up high and in control can be. And if she's going to take the baton back from LindyLoo, it has to be with rich, soaring vocals that only Kiki can master. After tonight, we take that turn into Seriousville, where every decision one makes is the difference between staying and going...and no decision will be more important than song choice. Her competitor has that art down pat, so it's locker room and chalkboard time for Kiki & Co. Somehow, I'm confident the cosmic x's and o's will tie together beautifully for her, no matter what the result.
So, who's packin up? I'm still dusting my shoulder off from the past 2 weeks' predictions, so excuse me if I'm a little occupied when making this week's guesses:
Shoulda (but won't): SanDIEya -- 'cuz he shouldn't even be here to begin with
Coulda (most likely): Phil Stacey
WildCard: Haley Scarnato
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