Jesus, Take The Mic, Take it From His Hands.

And we all know which mic and which hands in particular I'm referring to. Need I echo more of the same, when everyone else, INCLUDING my coworker of Indian descent said Sansucky was the worst thing to ever happen to music last night? For the love of all that is good and holy - which, after a week like Virginia Tech has had, I'm not sure exists anymore - it is TIME. It's been time. And although I don't think we'll be blessed enough to see his bony ass leave us tonight, I do believe Sanjaya will come darn close to the shredder this week. Not because we who hear and like to enjoy music are realizing anything new; but because I think a performance as insulting as that was unacceptable to even his legions of fans. For the first time this season, I could honestly picture votefortheworst.com-heads and Howard Stern himself being EMBARRASSED by their ongoing support for this aberration. As well they should be. Cuz nothing about last night's effort by The Petit Prince was funny. Nothing at all. There is hope my friends -- and dare I say it, if not tonight, then soon and very soon.

So, Martina McBride made up for the fact that Jennifer Lopez was coaching anyone who wants to excel in singing last week. Plus I now know that if I look into her sky blue eyes for too long, I will never come back out of that amazing abyss. Dude - forget the fact that she can sing her butt off, and even forget the fact that without Martina McBride, we would never have a Carrie Underwood to speak of - her eyes alone could sell a billion records. Plus she's just so nice and genuine; which, on the con side of things prevents her from being critical to any extent, even when faced with Suckakar, but on the pro side makes her like a little teddy bear that I just wanna hug. And she's a country singer, so that's saying a lot coming from me. That said, can we finally get some Shania up in the spot next time there's a country night? Cuz I'd kinda do anything Shania Twain told me to do, and I'd like it. Ohhhh yes, I'd like it. But, I digress. Some songs happened, and some people shined with them, while others would have done better tripping off the stage and chipping a tooth on Randy's cowboy boot. Only these paragraphs will tell.

1. Rawhide!! Alien Stacey finally has a reason for landing! It's to sell records as a country singer. Which now makes a lot more sense, because we all know he likely touched down in some cornfield in backbrush Nebraska. I was downright proud of the man, who by now likely has a personal P.O. Box set up in the Bottom 3. He rocked it from start to finish, and for the first time, didn't make us have to wonder exactly what it is about him we don't like. I could see him at his own country concert, with fans actually buying it, bald or no bald. And by his own country concert I of course mean one in which he opens for Carrie Underwood when the other, actually famous country act backed out last minute, but hey, it's still more than he could've hoped for 2 days ago. The saddest part is that he could very easily head home tonight, and there'd be no justice in that, given that every other man up there this week pretty much reeked. But at least he now has a musical home and can do what prior to Bucky Covington and that shitty Pickler girl, was thought to be impossible for unfamous famous people -- have a hit single.

2. Jordin made up for those dang low notes she still won't ever get along with by singing miraculously for the rest of the song, and especially when it counts most: the second half of it. From the top part of her dress up, she looked luscious, and as long as the camera had nothing to do with that orange monstrosity down South, she was wholly enjoyable from a third of the way in on. Her ending was the best yet this season, and she soared in all the right places. So, now she can rest easy as she takes one slot in this season's finale show - if not the crown. She wouldn't deserve the crown based on vocal talent alone, but even with her inconsistencies, she has more of the total "American Idol" package than anyone else, in that she's lovable, purty, young, and incredibly talented. Melinda is 1 of those things (I'll let you guess which one), and completely unsurprising in her prowess to boot. At least Jordin knows how to keep us guessing, for better (last night and that other time she did the same exact thing on a winning vocal... just stood there) and for worse (those times when she looks ridiculous, misses more notes than she makes, mimes, and moves alot).

3. There's nothing to say really. Although his hanky on hair maneuver didn't bother me as much as it probably should have. What did bother me beyond repair, however, is the fact that this was the second time this season that someone ungood chose to murder a Bonnie Raitt song. Can everyone who sucks please stop messing with my babymama? Please? Now, I do realize that "Something to Talk About" is a perennial Idol favorite, but I think there should be a general rule that states if Fantasia has sung it before, it need not be repeated. Then again, when it comes to Sanjaya, the rule should likely state that if it's ever been sung before, it need not be repeated. As aforementioned, tonight could present a rockier road for Mr. Mal (yes, both English and Spanish connotations apply), but I fear it's not the end. Having received first-hand warning that he is in fact the only talk of every town in India, I can only surmise that we's in trouble. We's in trouble plenty.

4. Lakisha disappointed for the most part, because we all know she should have not been singing that song, in that way. The only silver lining was that she once again looked ravishing in a much less "conspicious" way, and she didn't stink up the joint nearly as much as she did last week. That's the good news. The bad news is girlfriend will likely be sleeping on my couch sooner than later, because if she has one more bad go, she will not even make it to the top 3, let alone the throne. The distance between her and The Doo has widened to nearly seismic proportions, and Jordy's youthful, "hot today, not tomorrow" edge that keeps us wondering is about to slice her down the middle if she's not careful. She sings better than any of them, but without the external factors that Jordin has working in her favor, Keeks can't afford to be streaky. And I don't know about you, but something suggested to me last night that Lakisha may not even be enjoying herself anymore. She seems distant, which teeters on disconnected too much of the time. I totally understand her feeling that way -- mainly because American Idol is and always will be a poptastic joke in itself -- but the second the fans think she doesn't mind leaving, well, they'll be the first to help expedite that very process. I love you still, my dearest fellow Marylander, but the finish line is getting blurrier and blurrier for you, and it's next week or never.

5. Chris Richardson was great -- for those 5 seconds in the second sixth of the song. Then the rest happened and left me as confused about his angle in hanging on in this competition as I am about RyRy's sexuality and Paula's fashion choices. I commend him for the most interesting and traditionally country song choice of the night, but it just didn't work. And it HAD to work, because his nasality is giving everyone a headache by now, and when no one even really knows the song you're singing, you have to do the Melinda and kick it in the ass twice over to convince everyone to send a vote or two your way. Now, the bedeviled shrieks from the hot-obsessed females in the crowd suggest some youngins are still going to pull for him, and his last ditch attempt to gain "hometraining votes" for his shoutout to VTU could help the Virginia boy this time around. But I doubt it. And even though we were all kinda thinking it, boo on Simon for revealing his eye-roll after the remarks were made. It would've worked a lot better if Chris had performed well, but given that he sucked, it all just made him look like a 4-year-old with floaties on in the baby pool. Parents hands on back and belly included. I hope he kept them on for tonight.

6. Finally, Simon shut down what I saw in Memphis audition Round 1 that now everyone apparently is just SO ANNOYED with. Yeah, Melinda's fake thing? Yeah. That. Funny how, if she had been that genuinely humble and surprised the whole time, then why didn't it take more than 0.14 seconds for her to turn it off completely? Oh? She's fake? Oh. Oh, I see. Thank you. The second she got word that that little maneuver was making her less endearing than moreso, the robot in her deleted the calculation, never to be seen again (hopefully). Trouble is, seeing her drop the act so fast made her even more unlovable to me, despite being the only person deserving of the Idol crown this year. She was fantastic, although the song wasn't very challenging for someone with her chops.. and she looked LEAGUES better than in previous weeks. It's likely she and Jordin in the finale, which, ironically, would actually give Jordin a better chance at winning than if it were Blake. Wait. Read what I just wrote again. Is that not the most disgusting sentence ever written? I know, I know, which part is more disgusting ... the fact that Melinda could easily not win American Idol this year, or that Blake could even get in the finale at all. Too close to call. But I'm nauseous as a result, that much is clear. I do wish I could take the words back, but I can't. There's too much truth in them to keep it all to myself. And so...we weep.

7. Blake sucked even for Blake, which brought me great joy as I could then avoid hearing SPR jones on him like a sucking candy. Or so I thought, after hearing Blake's unbelievably large hot air balloon of talent deflate and crash in a field somewhere. But, once again, the judges got whatever under-the-table offer they've been getting to blow this kid up beyond all comprehension, and continued this rant about how great he is. The Rand said he "knows who he is", which is obviously not the case, because if he did know that, he would be at home coming up with new beats for Gwen's discohipop album rather than trying to sing on American Idol. And singing is really a generous term in Blake's case; it's more like cavemanic yawning with some noise coming out. He's a joke, and you all know you read this blog because I keep it real regardless of what the tides of pop fanaticism may draw forth. He is in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM deserving of the title Idol, and would almost insult me more than Sanjaya winning, because in Blake's case, people would have meant for him to win based on his talent. Despite being stronger than I ever thought I could be in that I still manage to get out of bed each day after seeing who's currently famous for their "musical" "talent", that possibility is not something I'm ready to live with. So much so, that if it's Sanjaya or Blake in the finale, I say to you now that I will join my Hindu brethren in the fight for a joke star than an overrated one. I say it. And in a few weeks time, with enough liquor in me, I just might mean it.

So... given that there are only 7 contestants left, there very well may not be a bottom 3 this week. I'm guessing more like a bottom 2. In which case, look for Chris and Phil to be doing some double-dutch mid-stage. But, assuming there are 3, here's the bettin', and you know I've had a hot hand lately so don't sleep.

Shoulda (but won't): Sanjaya Malakar
Coulda: Chris Richardson
Wild Card: Phil Stacey