Oh Say Can You Hear?

That question is primarily for Randy "The Rand" Jackson, Useless Abdul and even Simon Says, but feel free to answer it as if I were talking to you as well. I ask this, because in the history of the show, never have I had to witness as much overrated, misplaced critiquing as I did last night, solely to keep ratings up now that Sanbad has given us our ears back. Before I get to the few things that went right last night, I'd like to first give a shout-out to Jesus, who was kind enough to take the mic swiftly away from Sanjaya's hands the second I e-prayed for it. Considering the fact that I don't even believe in him, at least not in the God way, I thought that was really sweet. Man, what a guy. Drinks on me next time. No, no, I insist.

So now that I don't have to cradle my trashcan in my arms while watching AI anymore, I feel that I can focus on the actual singers who are participating in this show, and Blake. Oh, and if you watched last night but didn't vote, shame on you. It's the easiest way to feed a starving African village people! Our cell phones may be killing the bees (read the New York Times if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you illiterate soul), but they can at least bring some food to the table. Kudos once again to FOX for a stellar initiative that is bound to grow bigger with time. More importantly, Sir Bono cometh hence. Giddyup.

So now that we're down to 6, the going gets rough, and more accurately, unfair for those who fall by the wayside. Because at this point in the competition, they're all talented and capable vocalists who have their good days and their bad days, with only 2 exceptions to the rule. Namely, Blake --The Yawning Gymnast of Easy Things That Anyone Can Do with 2 Seconds of Practice -- who has slid by with luck and some sort of hip that I'm obviously not acquainted with nor want to be, and Melinda -- who is the only one left in the pack completely deserving of the Title Idol. Everyone else (Jordin) will be the ones that could win because they're more popular and have good days when they need to have them most. If you didn't notice, that was my nice way of saying everyone else is painfully inconsistent, but human enough to sneak past the pro in our midst. It'd be sad, and undeserved, and yes I do realize that I'm the only person who's actually going to write that out loud. But it's true. As much as I love Lakisha's spankin' vocal talent+humility, and Jordin on the good days, and Chris' yummliciousness, if Melinda Doolitte doesn't win this competition, something's terribly wrong. And when I remember the one thing every Idol past has boasted -- consistency -- I'm wary to bet against her or her internal microchip. We're still a long way from the finish line, but I have a feeling I know how her What-to-Wear Book ends.

So, let's discuss.

1. Chris Richardson's biggest problem last night may have actually been the song choice. It's not that it's not awesome, cuz it is, and I'll cut you if you utter otherwise, but it's Eric Clapton. I mean, who messes with Eric Clapton in front of millions of Americans and expects to be rewarded? Unless you're the demigod himself, or a ridiculously brilliant vocalist, neither of which ChrissyPoo is, you're going to make someone mad. Perhaps even 300 million someones. He did well, for him, and SPR was generally accurate in the summation, but I still felt underwhelmed. Perhaps that's because I was holding my breath the entire time waiting for him to riff too much and set the song into a smoky nosedive. Thankfully, he never crashed, but he didn't soar as much as his final 10 seconds suggested he could have. In this homestretch, only greatness survives, and I'm afraid my JT blowup doll has hit his ceiling. Time's a ticking on this kid; not because he's horrible, and not because he deserves to get the cane, but because someone's got-ta got-ta got-ta got-ta got-ta... gotta get outta here. (Sorry, been listening to the "Rent" soundtrack recently and it's permeating at all the wrong times).

2. Melinda was stunning from start to finish, yet again, and as Randy said, there's nothing more to say really. She's totally the kind of singer you pay money to see, because professionals DELIVER, no matter what the day, what the song, what the reality show station. And in case you weren't sure, the last time Simon used the words "master class" was.... drum roll please... yes, you guessed it... when E Double L Yamin sang Donny Hathaway's "A Song For You" right around the same time last year, so brilliantly, so bone chillingly well, that no one watching knew quite what just happened. Aside from musical greatness -- that much was clear. I say that not only to relight the candle in my shrine to all things Elliott, but also to convey just how great you have to be, from start to finish, to earn such praise.

3. Now we all know why Blake chose the easiest song possible to sing, but the reason I'm currently burning down the small village nearby is because Paula and Simon even had the audacity to say anything good about that performance. Had it been someone they don't really like and aren't getting paid to root for, they would have said the TRUTH, which would likely go a little something like this:

Paula: "Uh... well..... [winces as though her water just broke].... I... I mean... I."

Simon: "Um... I don't know what to sayyy, Blake! [throws up arms before resting them argumentatively on the table]. I mean [boos rain down from the crowd].. Oh shut up, would you! You can't even hear back there! I mean, really, Blake.. you're a nice guy and I appreciate you trying to be 'sincere' or whatever Paula was ranting on about, but that song just didn't do anything for me, or I think for anyone voting at home. And you know that! [boos reensue]. I mean, look. This is the point in the competition where you have to blow us away. And that song won't do it. [Folds arms, hands in pits]. If you want to stay on in this competition, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that. Sorry! [Looks down at his Coke cup and throws the remaining contents on Paula's head until she melts away into oblivion]."

Now, if I were the judge, I'd save all of you that time and effort and say only this: "Why are you here? Go pack."

Moving RIGHT along.

4. Obviously not learning about the importance of good song choice after last week's scare, Lakisha shook up the joint for the first 20 seconds of another former Idol's hit song - and not in the good way. As I wrote last week, it's best for new contestants to steer clear of covering past Idols' songs 1) because it's annoying enough to have to hear them sung by the originators and 2) because it's usually a kiss of death no matter how well you sing it. People voted for those people in those particular seasons to sing that particular song to them on celebration night and beyond. To try to make it your own without really changing anything about the delivery just makes you seem like a less talented copy-cat, even if that's not the case. And more importantly, what I underscored last week was the need for a general rule on American Idol, which involves banning any new contestant from trying to sing Fantasia's songs better than Fantasia. Why? Cuz it just won't happen. Even if you're good (Kiki), people listening (Me) will say, well, okay that was good, but Fantasia's was the bomb. Why? Because Fantasia is the bomb. Why? Because Fantasia was the most talented, most consistent, and most original singer in Idol history. And she had the cojones enough to release a song called "Baby Mama" on her debut album and mean for us to take it seriously. That's a woman with a whole lotta nerve, if you ask me. So, despite the fact that after the 20 seconds of not finding the pitch, Lakisha smacked it silly (did you see them on their feet mid-way too? Yeah, I'm sure that kind of a performance was even more bigtime live), she copied a pristine original to little avail. Yes, it was better than last week, but by hairs. And now that Sanjaya's gone... well, you get the drill.

Oh, but in her defense, I am throwing poop at Simon for claiming that she had a shouting problem last night. Nothing in her performance involved shouting this time around; it involved her big ass voice coming out of that big ass body and making it quite clear that she knows the difference. Jordin, unfortunately, is still trying to figure that difference out when she goes for the high notes, and I'd love it if she'd try to figure it out without producing noise the next go 'round.

5. Alien Stacey was great again, and I'm so happy to see him find his "center". Too bad it's too little too late, especially when in comparison to what he convinced people of last week, last night's affair wasn't as good. True, he didn't miss a note, and true, he did start it as strong as he finished (which may be a first for him), but he's not going to win. And with less country in his country song last night, I'm afraid the Kodak Theatre may be taking elevator boy down to the hotel lobby floor this time around. That said, I'd really love to have a piece of his scalp preserved and framed in my apartment before he heads back to his home planet -- that shit's gonna be worth millions someday.

6. Sparky was good, and at times beautiful to listen to, but not in anyway the "best vocal in the history of the show" as Idiot Jackson would have us believe. I was so offended I almost decided to post those pics of his gastric-bypass surgery online despite his multiple requests that I keep them under wraps. My GOD. First Blake, and now this blasphemy! She's great, and phenomenal for her age, and yes, yes, she may win, rah, rah, shut the hell up. But that rendition matched Lakisha's first 20 seconds in pitch problems, and topped it off at the end with not one, but TWO big time screetches that made my eardrums fall out of my ears into my cup of tea. Funny how her caucasian predecessor Kat McPhee had this same exact problem last year. The yelling out of tune when attempting to hit notes that are outside of her chest register that *is* in fact the definition of scream-singing instead of singing, Simon. With some training she'll be a ridiculous young singer one day, but I will not sit here and be told things that are not true. So you can cheer for the frizz as much as you want, as will I when she sings things correctly all the way through, but in case you haven't figured it out over the past 3 months, I don't do overblown. Never. Call it like you hear it, Rando, or your weightloss secrets are mine. Will the fallible but lovable youngster pull out the victory over the heavy-hitting infallible wonder of Doo? Well, you know where Kat McPhee ended up last time, and just like last year, I'd be all smiles.

So, who's hitting the curb tonight, huh? HUH?! This is when things stop making sense, and it's all about numbers. Frankly, I don't really care that much anymore because my sole reason for breathing of late had been to see SuckySanj sing his last. And that Bono thing, which makes all these aspiring karaoke stars look and sound like just that. But, I owe you some choices, and y'know I'm good for it.

Shoulda: Chris Richardson
Coulda [CORRECTION... likely because I selectively forgot about him]: Blake Lewis
Wild Card: Lakisha "She's Still My Wife, Wanna Fight About It?" Jones
Number of Charity Votes Amassed: 82,000