NFL Take a Player to School Sweepstakes - NFLRush.com

NFL Take a Player to School Sweepstakes - NFLRush.com

It's All Come Down to This

Well, after months of highs, lows, upsets, glory, and great legs, it's all come down to this. And when it comes to guessing who the winner of this year's American Idol is, the answer is quite clear. It's me. Obviously. Because last night, instead of watching the AI finale that no one cares about at its regularly scheduled time of 8pm, I was busy standing 15 feet away from *the* American Idol himself, Mr. Elliott Yamin, as he crooned his album out for hundreds of people at Bowery Ballroom. And lemme tell ya.. anyone listening to that kind of talent, coupled with even larger humility and great songs to match did not regret missing this year's Mouseketeers vying for the "crown" at the Kodak Theatre. In every sense of the word, Elliott was masterful as always, lovable, amazing, real, genuine and all-around worth the money. As we walked away from the stage completely satisfied and then some, I heard another fan say to her friend: "Now THAT was an $100 concert right there!". Couldn't have put it better. We love you. We do. And no contestant has had that kind of soul-dripping vocal prowess and polish since.

Seeing my man sing live for the first time allowed me to advance to the finale. My win didn't come until about 20 minutes later, when, with the help of my friend, we were allowed back into the empty ballroom to meet and greet E Double L himself. I got a picture (sure I look like a fool, but we were sweaty from all the manic shouting throughout the concert), I got a hankshake, I got to tell him how much I sweat him, and I even got to give him my card in case he's looking for someone new to open for him on future tours. Whether or not it was for real, the man actually listened to every word, looked me in the eye the whole time, wished me as much good luck on my career as I did him, and honestly took interest in the card I gave him. Not to mention the mutual chest pound we gave ourselves in honor of Jewish R&B singers. True, it's quite an exclusive club, but we haven't set up passwords just yet. In short, he's the epitome of what "celebrity singers" should be today and so aren't: immensely vocally talented, humble beyond measure, just thankful for what they've accomplished thus far, and real to those who speak to them. And thanks to him, I clearly won the night.

Then I came home and watched the kiddies duke it out for second and third place. Everytime Blake and Jordin get up there and sing now, I keep waiting for Pluto and Mickey to come skipping out behind them as backup singers, doing a sychronized Temptations-esque jig around their mics. Maybe they're waiting to do that during tonight's results show. I mean, cartoons are celebrities too y'know. But regardless, all the night really amassed to was Blake sucking, then Jordin being great when she needed to be, and then no one caring. Oh wait, I already said that before. Whatever. It's not like this is even a contest anyway.

Jordin bored to tears on the Xtina song, mainly because you can't sing "Fighter" with dead arms at your side, never moving an inch as you eek out the right runs in the right places. She handled it vocally in that there were no major mistakes, but Simon was most certainly co-REKT about the screetching tendencies she has when she goes up high and isn't supporting breathing-wise. But, at least she sang, which is more than one can say for Blake.

His first go was as Cirque de Soleil as he's ever been, and I'm pretty sure the drummer soloed more than he did the entire song. And that's not great when the 3% of the song that did involve singing sounded like apeshit. What's new. Presence-wise though, he was leagues more confident and commanding on stage than Jordy, which left me just wishing we had so much more to choose from than this duo at the end of a long and very mysterious season.

The rest of the show was Jordin reclaiming her undeniable right as winner, so I don't really need to go into details. I will say this though. As much as I can't wait for Blake to instantaneously combust when RyRy calls the results tonight, I feel he got little less than ASSAULTED by the producers when it came time for him and Jordin to sing their new single. At no moment in any day will Blake be able to pull off a song that is so cheesified Disney ballad pop as is "This is My Now". It was as though the Sparks Football Inc. mafia broke into the Kodak theatre a few hours before showtime and strangled whichever dude used to be in charge of giving the final 2 contestants a choice in what song they'd like to sing as their new single. For several seasons past, singers have been able to choose a single that best suited their vocal style (Taylor and KittyKat being the most recent example). This time around, Blake was ripped a new one - being forced to sing such sugary awfulness that even I, his sworn enemy, felt bad for him. Not only was it abysmal to listen to, it was borderline unfair, when no one is voting for Blake to sing a song like that, nor would Blake ever release a song anywhere near that genre. What's more, the single was hand-crafted to fit every curve on Jordin's body. So, someone inside the ranks pulled the plug hard and fast on the SPR-Lewis merger, just in time to make tonight's results the largest landslide in AI history no doubt. That's okay. I'm sure Chris Richardson has already laid out the rose petals on the bed to console his lover in the aftermath.

So, we'll watch tonight, knowing full well that if Melinda Doolittle had been on that stage, she would have wiped the floor with both of their faces WHILE singing whatever songs she chose to kick ass at. It's a travesty beyond measure, and it all but crippled AI's credibility as a vehicle for finding "the best vocal talent in America". My ass. Everytime they panned on former contestants in the audience, half the time I wanted to hear *them* sing a song more than the 2 up there. Shit, I even wanted to hear Ricky Schroeder do a ditty than whatever Blake was fumbling through. But like I said, not much was lost, in that I was with the Truth last night instead, live and in the flesh, and he made this year's finale all but a blip on a much more interesting screen.

And so, as I sign off until next season, I say only this: Here's to caring again in 2008. Because I assure you, no matter what the hype may try to throw our way, America has SO MUCH MORE in the way of musical talent than this. Until then, at least, I can put a point on the board for mixed girls. Congrats Jordy!

Three's a Charm

Well, now that I'm no longer emotionally invested in how American Idol shakes out this year, it's easier to focus on much more important things at hand. Like the fact that my musical husband, Elliot "E Double L" Yamin is performing live in concert here in New York next Tuesday night, and I'll be in attendance, along with my other Yamin-obsessed friends who know he's a truer American Idol than anyone vying for the crown this year. That's not to take anything away from how solidly the 3 remaining karaokers sang last night, but it is helpful when putting things in perspective. Everywhere I go, people seem at best neutral and at worst despondent about how the contestants have panned out this year on the show. The singers who are participating have undeniable talent, and Blake is clearly a phenomenal trapeze artist just waiting to happen. But there's no movement, the stuff that makes you tear up, care about who's singing, care about their story, their hope for the crown, the graceful imperfections that made past winners so sincerely lovable. It's too bad - given that AI is surely at its pinnacle as far as ratings go - that they couldn't have done a better job of letting in the great along with the almost-great. It skews many unsuspecting viewers' notions of what truly inspiring singers sound like, while 12 months ago, that was never a problem. But hey, the trifecta put on the brass knuckles in spots, enough to make it entertaining enough. I do wonder though, if they were to reprise "Three's Company", who would be Cindy and who would be Janet? Oh forget it, as long as Simon plays Mr. Roper, I'm game.

So, somehow three people managed to make 9 songs happen last night, to varying degrees of quality. And while there's no question Blake is the one thing that's not like the others, he managed to camouflage his horribleness just enough to make the results show tonight somewhat interesting. Calling it a nail-biter would be pushing it, but hey, he was more memorable than Jordin 2 out of 3 times, and if you're memorable, you're usually in very good shape on a show like this. It helped that the SPR-Lewis merger was still in full effect last night, but I'll get to that insanity in a minute.

Without further ado, I bring you a recap of what the threebies managed to do without having to worry about Lakisha anymore. And yes, in case you're wondering, we're doing just fine. Thank you for asking.

1. Jordin finally got the wardrobe choices right this time, which is really her main selling point if she's ever to oust The Doo. Her first vocal was spot-on, aside from a few wavering lines in the beginning which I will graciously cast away as first-slot nerves. See? Aren't I nice? Yeah, you know I am. Aside from taking a few lines to settle in, she made it work and really didn't mess up anywhere. But Simon's choice was most definitely too boring and safe for her, not to mention too old. Perhaps he gave her that song because he wants Melinda to win, or because he thought she'd youngify it in some interesting way, or both. But as smooth as it was, it didn't glisten in the memory bank, and that's where the money's gotta go at this stage. Yet, by the look of her dad's game face, you could tell he had given her the key x's and o's before sending his girl out on to the field. The insane fire in his eyes that still prevents the man from ever smiling summed up what I know had to be his sideline pep talk for Jordy backstage: y'know, how Melinda and Blake were likely planning a weakside blitz and that going long into man coverage would be fine; they'd find a way to get her the BALL, damnit! So help him they will! As long as he didn't pat his own daughter on the ass, I'm okay with it.

2. Then Blake came on stage and tried to convince himself that he was Sting. Like he's tried to convince us this entire ride that he's a singer. Cute. The cavemanic yawning came back in spots, only to be replaced with shouting in others. Oh, and then he managed the mind-boggling feat of singing in roughly 4 different keys at a midway stop. It all happened so fast that my neck cramps couldn't even keep up with it. But Paula did in fact pick a great style of song for him, which really is the only reason they still keep her on this show; she's always good for coming through at judges' picks time. That said, let me give you a comparative reference when thinking about how she reacted to Blake, versus how she reacted when Elliot sang her song choice last year. 2006? Tears and a sincere struggle to convey how much she understood his power as an artist, to express how much his singing and story moved her. 2007? Lisa Simpson clapping. Moving right the hell on once again.

3. With her first selection of the night, Melinda did the unthinkable. She somehow managed to purge all the hatred she had undoubtedly amassed for Randy Jackson after hearing what he forced her to sing, which helped her avoid violently gnawing off his head during her first go onstage. The SECOND the first of Whitney's insanely yet subtly difficult chords dropped, I in turn dropped my head in shame. Now, I have known for a long time that the Rand has slept with several men and women in recent weeks to help Blake advance as far as he has. But to then go so far as to throw "I Believe in You and Me" at Melinda Doolittle, at this pivotal point in the competition... I swear I saw the horns poking out of his forehead as she bowed to his satanic orders. WHO IN GOD'S NAME ASSIGNS THAT KIND OF A WHITNEY HOUSTON SONG TO MELINDA DOOLITTLE?!?!? WHO???!! After weeks and weeks of telling her how much she's her very own Tina Turner revival, after seeing how raw and soulful her jazz/gospel delivery is... you throw her the cryptonite and tell her to sound like Whitney in her heydey. It's like telling gravel to turn into ice cream. Except that it's really, really, exceptionally talented gravel. But gravel all the same. She's a rough and tough singer, a howler, a power phraser; NOT a smooth and soaring balladeer. Simply put, imagine if the Prince of Egypt soundtrackers had asked Tina Turner to sing "When You Believe" alongside Mariah instead. Go ahead. Listen to that in your head. And no, I won't wipe up your vomit for you. Randy's an ASSHOLE for hitting below the belt, and LindyLoo did the best she could, which wasn't really outstanding like she can be. And, not surprisingly, the Rand confessed his sins in his remarks, saying he wanted to throw some "difficulty" her way. That's dawgspeak for "I really want Blake to win this so I can get my bonus". F you, Rand. F to the You. Luckily though, Simon put his cape on, fists on hips, chest and too-tight tee up and out, and came to the rescue with healthy praise and a Round 1 victory vote. He knew what was going on, and we all know Simon loves black women too much to let Shmandy rain on his parade.

4. Jordy came back and sang about working hard for money. Then Paula basically called her a stripper while attempting to make a bad pun. What's new. She sang it well, and ended it rather awesomely, but also looked highly uncomfortable in the gold pumps they put her in. As if that girl needs to be any taller. But I know it was for slimming reasons more than any other. Trouble is, as Simon correctly pointed out, it wasn't memorable, it was 80's in the dated way, and it didn't show us why she's so fresh and so clean clean. Which she HAS to do in order to win this thing. She's not cute enough to ride on looks alone, and luckily she's got a badass voice as long as she's not going low. Ever. Hey, maybe when she's a star we can nickname her NoLo. And then she and JLo do a duet. And by duet I mean Jenny from the Block can be a background dancer and Jordy can sing. And by duet I also mean that Jenny can be in the video cuz she's galaxies hotter, and Jordy can just be a random, unpersonified voice. Damn. I'm being mean again. Oh well. Nice had it's paragraph.

5. Blake came on and did the song he was meant to do, and it SHOCKED ME beyond measure that he had yet to perform that song until then. He sounded as much like someone who would amputate quite a few limbs to be Adam Levine, and made it work. It was a perfect song choice for him, and he finally used beatboxing in an unoffensive manner, which I greatly, vastly, appreciated. I was buying it for the first time since - oh wait, he's never made me buy anything, especially not out of that damned inside jacket pocket of his. But I gave it a green light this go 'round, and for once saw how he could advance past this round, even if the world quickly cracks in half as a result.

6. Then Melinda came on and smacked it silly. So much so that I'm pretty convinced she was actually trying to warp time and space into the form of a quantum spatial smack that would quickly send Randiculous to some cold, lonely street corner. She was perfect, she was authentic, she was powerful, and she couldn't give 1 shit whether anybody watching knew the song. Of course, we who know that Tina Turner was likely Hera in a past life knows it, but I'm sure all those folks who were cheering on Blake and the Mayor back in Randomtown, Washington don't. Didn't matter. She showed such range between the first and second go-rounds, and made no mistake about who's on top and why. In a word, KILLA.

7. As if we hadn't had enough already, the trio returned for their own selections, which really weren't going to go wrong, obviously. Jordizzle went to what she knows would work, namely "I Who Have Nothing", which skyrocketed her to legitimate contender status many weeks ago. I underscore the word many here because that was the last time she did that convincingly, but whatever. She blasted it out the park, because she knows an easy touchdown when she see it. My *only* wish was that she had not gone handheld with the mic this time around. If you remember, when she sang it the first time, she did what always works best for her: singing a big ballad, with arms at sides, and mic stand right in front of her. This time, the freedom of the mic got in the way of the intensity of the song, and she moved around to convey emotion instead of sucking us in. And trust me, being sucked in is always more memorable than being sung *at*. But that's so minor even I need to wrap this point up, because it was by far her best of the night, and nothing but a pleasure to hear her highlight her strengths without letting any of her weaknesses poke through.

8. Blake did the hotness, also known as Robin Thicke's "Get You Alone", and actually made it work, in some weird, not-nearly-as-good-as-the-original way. What helps is that most people have no clue how Robin sings the original, and he likely spoke to his man, ChrissyPoo, beforehand, who naturally told him that the more uptempo and loud one's song, the better. I finally agreed with Rando - his second selection was stronger - but this one gave him an opportunity to move more, to entertain more, and to rely less on people comparing his warbly vocals to the original. I understood it, and I wasn't perusing butcher knives in response, so that's probably a good thing. If the youngins in the audience crave hip over anything else, he's in the driver's seat, and if you've ever listened to pop radio these days, the odds are most definitely, most sadly, in his favor.

9. Melinda told us how much of a W-O-M-A-N she still is, but managed to take one of her strongest performances to a whole new level of hot in heeyah. The addition of the backup singers was ICE COLD -- and that's a GOOD THING -- her menswear selection was on and poppin', and for the first time ALL season, someone got up there and sang like they were already headlining their own concert. No gimmicks, no trying this time, this was The Doo and her backups singing to you like you'd get it if you paid for it. And it'd be well worth it. An amazingly polished, powerful, and professional finish for the only one left who deserves all the confetti.

So? Who will it be? Several people are saying very different things as far as results go, mainly because they're all pretty much on par depending on who you think may be voting. But since I'm feeling nice again, I'll give you the safe bet, and the other bet. You do with it what you will.

SAFE BETTING SWAMI SAYS:
Going, going, gone: Blake Lewis
Coulda: Jordin Sparks

OTHER BETTING SWAMI SAYS:
Going, going, gone: Jordin Sparks
Coulda: Blake Lewis

Who's side am I on? Given that Blake has been in the bottom 2 before, while neither lady ever has, I'll stick to safe. But catch me in the wrong lighting, and I may very well be on the other side of things. Only a few hours from now will tell!!!

Stayin' Alive

Well, being the ever-prepared woman that I am, you can guess what I did when I first got word that Lakisha was due to sing "Stayin' Alive" on last night's show. And by the way, if you're ever in the market for cheap used televisions, Craigslist is most definitely the way to go. I felt buying a backup would be the only responsible thing to do, given the unlikelihood that I wouldn't search and destroy my latest television in disappointment -- not with the producers this time, but with my big-boned beloved herself. Hearing it in my head, I could see no other way for this selection to go other than toilet-ward -- it reminisces of Latin-inspired night, wherein such band-heavy classics leave little to no room to shine as a vocalist. Barry Gibbs has made millions off of just that kind of finagling, but Kiki? She needs ROOM, no? A lotta room, yes? Well, it turns out I have more than I expected to say about that performance, and what it reflected about the remaining contestants as a whole, despite what SPR and the ganja Blake gives them to smoke would have you believe.

Barry's teeth were usually getting in the way of whatever I was supposed to hear him say, but when I wasn't psychotically stopping the blood flow in my fingers with floss, I did hear a few gems. And by gems I mean shitstorms of useless pandering that helped no one and insulted many. Obviously the sequin-studded romantic getaway with Jordin he dreamt up left a mark, because from what I can tell, the teeth were talking about her being the greatest thing in music since, oh, I dunno, 7:59pm last night. Too bad she lived up to so little of what Gibb said that it made her look more amateur than ever before, and almost gave me the gall stones Blake gives me when I think about what it would mean for him to win American Idol. Weirdly enough, I felt less contempt than I usually would for that much overblown hype, but it's clear as to why. No one, not even Useless Abdul herself, was buying that Gibb-erish (hehe), with the exception of her doting rich-from-football parents. Unlike Blake, who can amass incomprehensible support from not only SPR but a good portion of the country through dance-heavy and vocally-light romps, Jordin isn't anywhere near the predecessors of her past, far away from them as ever last night. But more on that later. The point is, I realized something very unsettling about Idol last night; something that I have never felt in any prior season.

Whoever wins this season is the least inspiring Idol to date. Kiki and DooAlot included. The whole of last night, I kept waiting for someone to blow it out the park. To make me cry like Elliott, Fantasia, and George Huff did virtually every week. To make me jump up and down and clap like a seal the way Taylor did whenever he got his Doobie Borthers on. To make me say, "I don't like the chick that much, but that shit was hot" as Kat McPhee did while sitting on the floor. Or, even to make me appreciate rockers as much as I appreciate the more technically challenging vocal stylings of their counterparts, a la Bo and Chris Daughtry. But this year? There's nothing more than "Will they come to play tonight, or won't they"? And that kind of uncertainty is not what you expect from someone we are going to crown as the best, most commercially appealing singer in America two weeks from now. You want life-changing power, you want brilliance, and at the very least, you want what Carrie and Kelly bring -- consistency with a cute face. (Okay, okay, I know calling Kelly cute is really the overstatement of the year, but I'm feeling generous so just go with it would ya). This year? The only deserving winner (as I've said before) is the most consistent, but where's the endearment? Where are the tears? It's like watching Gladys Knight compete on American Idol; she's not surprised, we're not suprised, and if there's no hope for the unexpected, there's no hope for inspiration. It's a tough sell no matter how this year slices the final four, but my heart is aching for something more - and I'm not going to get it until this May has long past.

That said, we have 8 gigs to complain about. So here's the sauce:

1. Melinda did only somewhat better than her worst performance to date, which, surprise surprise, took place on Latin-themed aka Jennifer-Lopez-Is-Not-Very-Talented night. It didn't do much of anything really -- it wasn't awful because she's incapable of awful, and it wasn't great...it was just there. She lost track of tempo in a few spots, which certainly didn't help, but even she looked bored to tears. And although she's the best of the bunch, that wasn't title-worthy by any stretch. I would have more to say about it if I cared, but I stopped investing in whatever was going on about 2.5 seconds in. Simon summed it up. Where were all the slapped mamas? Nowhere to be found with that snoozefest.

2. Then Blake cooked up something so rancid and spine-breaking, I've already booked my full-body sugar scrub with the spa nearby to cleanse myself of that event. I mean I love gambling as much as the next dude, but is it even humanly possible to go from such a winning hand to this disgrace in the span of seven days? Now don't get me wrong - his hand has never once looked "winning" to me as much as fugly and mangled, but there have at least been times (like last week) where I could say, "Aight, a lot of poorly educated people loved freak shows at one time, so this isn't a far cry from that tree". But this time? THIS?? There's no word in any language that could encompass the horror of that effort. Not one aspect of it was enjoyable, and the "beatboxing" segment made me wish I were catching a cat's hairball before it hit the ground over that. It was so bad, I almost wanted Chris Sligh back. I repeat: IT WAS SO MINDBOGGLINGLY BAD, I WANTED THE VAMPIRE KING OF TRANSYLHEINOUS BACK ON MY SCREEN. After the shower I took following the performance, I thought to myself, "Well, at least they have 2 songs". Luckily for me, that didn't matter in Skaterboy's undeserved case.

3. Now, as I've already mentioned, I was highly disturbed by Kiki's song choice this time around. And I would have put a lot of money on it that her plane was going to crash and burn worse than we've seen in awhile. But believe me when I say that she surprised the hell outta me, despite what SPR had to say about it. Sure, it wasn't her best, and it surely wasn't outstanding by any stretch, but amazingly enough, it actually came across as a "performance", with vocals actually doing something of interest, which was so much more than I expected. What's more, Keeks gave it an R&B flava, putting the right runs in the right places to give it some strange sort of soul. Even more still, she sold it in presence, ably conveying her seriousness about stayin' alive in this damned contest without losing control of her manuevering throughout. She didn't overdo it when it seemed to be heading that way, and she managed to make room where I believed there to be none. In short, she interior designed the hell outta that puppy and I was impressed. No neck hairs were standing, sure, but my head bopped in a few places, and I saw where she was taking it. Why SPR were so hard on her is a little beyond me -- my only guess is that it sounded stranger in the room than it did through the TV speakers. Either that, or Simon still hasn't found a way to get her lip gloss off his mouth from last week and got pissy about it.

4. So, naturally, the only conclusion to draw at this point in the show was that Jordin was going to blow everyone else's awfulness out of the galaxy and claim her place on the throne 2 weeks early. I mean, given what Barry had to say about it being the best version he's ever heard, there's no other way it'd go down, right? Wrong again! True, it was the best performance at that point, but it reeked of amateurism and a bad case of the shakes. And all I was left thinking (and texting to my friend) was: "THAT'S my American Idol? Yawn." Jordin Sparks? That's all we could muster this year, y'all? Well, that's the worst news I'm hearing if it proves to be true. 'Cuz what you're basically telling me is that if you're the cutest one of a not-so-hot bunch, you'll be the last one standing as long as you have enough talent on your good days to pull it off? Dude, she's not even close to as polished and believable as Kat McPhee, and I wasn't even rooting for that chick for the same exact reasons. Justice was served last year in that the Pheever didn't win, but if Sparks is the best we have to look forward to from January through May, then I just about quit. There's too much ridiculous talent out there to have it wasted on streaky, whether it's in Blake's hair or coming out of Jordin's mouth. Melinda is our only hope for SOME kind of wholesome ending to this saga, and Jordin's consistent ball-dropping last night only etched that truth in stone. Moving way the hell on, 'cuz picturing her bizarro rendevous with Barry G is making me queasy.

5.Then everyone got a second chance at redemption. Ever the perfectionist, Melinda came back fighting, but were it not for her 2nd half, she'd be on the fence tonight as well. The first half wasn't just lackluster, it was totally out of sync with whatever the band was trying to deal her. Thankfully, she switched gears midway and took it to happytown. Still, a disappointing go for Neckless, and I'm not sure why. I think losing Phil really hit her in a place (you all saw how she broke all the way down when Alien set sail for brighther nebulae), and she's still recovering. Aww, Doo's got da blues. Well, she had better get over it and quick, lest heartbreak steal her thunder.

6. While we're on the topic, I might as well point out here that Blake has obviously lost his mojo since losing his boyfriend, I mean, best friend Chris Richardson last week. I know long distance relationships can be hell, so my heart goes out to the happy couple. But really Blake, your man told you he'd be back in your arms come tour time, so what's the fuss? You can't just crumble under the lights as soon as your butt-buddy (ohhhh yeeeeahhhh) heads back to Brokeback. Usually I'd tell someone to get it together, but I quite enjoy watching him suck this royally. The song appealed to absolutely no organism in the universe, primarily because no one knows it, and as the cherry on top, he sang it out of key. Yay! Way to be, Blake! Now, Paula held up her end of the bargain they've devised and made sure to point out that although she's never heard the song, he stayed on pitch. Funny how one can't know that unless they have either heard the song, or have functioning ears. And since she's never had the latter, and admitted to never experiencing the former, I'm sure her comments were spot-on. Like Blake's pitch.

7. Kiki did her thing for most of it, enough so that the croak at the end didn't matter. In fact, it was human, which is more than Robot DooLittle can muster most of the time. But she remained middle-of-the-road again... not offending anyone, but not changing any lives either. As Simon said, she is vulnerable tonight, but watching her go home before Blake will be a continuation of the Heist of the Millenium, in that he didn't even belong in the top 32 after last night's debacle. And when compared to Jordin in vocal polish, most of the time that's not even worth debating either. But, the votes will have it - and so will the AI producers who likely wouldn't deign to have 3 black female singers in the finale. If anyone would be okay with it, it'd be FOX, but still.

8. Then, riding off the second most unfathomable compliment of the night, Jordin came in to close the show and once again try to secure first place in this thing. Guess no one felt like a winner last night, because it was worse than her first and then some. The dress made me feel like I accidentally put on my Beauty & The Beast DVD by accident, and the out-of-pitch, cirque de soleil of singing made me want to find Barbara and just hug her and hug her more so that she'd get through the night. Who in hell thought it a good idea to put Jordin on par with Babs? Who in hell thinks this overblown garbage is enough already? Who in hell is the only person who has ever done Streisand justice on this show? Well, the answer to the first question is DEFINITELY not this guy, but it is to the second - except that I'm not in hell. And neither is Fantasia, but she's the answer to the third in case you're curious. Can we just go back and watch Ms. Barrino's rendition of "Summertime" on repeat instead of this muck? As McPhee would say, I'm SO over it.

Well, now that we've sat through 8 generally underwhelming attempts at top honors, someone's gotta go. It goes without saying who it should be, but does Blake's under-the-table agreement spread to more than just SPR? Time will tell, y'all, time will always tell.

Shoulda: Blake Lewis
Coulda: Lakisha Jones
Wild Card: Jordin Sparks

Had a Nice Day!

Good thing TV's are cheap. Cuz I don't know how else I would have found a new one to replace the one I bashed in after Seacrest informed me that no one was going home last week. And to top it all off, we'd get to say see ya to not one, but TWO contestants this time around. "WHY!?!?!", we wailed in endless pain and horror. "Because it's a charity night!" Ryan exclaims, lucky his pink ass is 3,000 miles away from my ability to knock out every one of his front teeth. Never in my life have I been outraged by this show, and the reason being that American Idol is never toyed with by the hands of its producers. Not at least when it comes to results, right? RIGHT?!?! So can someone please tell me why in GOD'S NAME they thought it would be a good idea to make people sit through 2 hours of (good) charity relief only to be ROBBED of the very results those 70+ million votes crafted???? I guess it should come as no surprise that the second the producers did decide to take a swing at bat, they came up with a whiff so great it cooled the entire country by 3 degrees. Not to mention the barrage of incensed text messages I received by virtue of the injustice. HOW COULD THEY?????! HOW?! After failing to deliver Bono in any valid form????? After telling us that Blake was still safe??? They didn't throw us one single bone, and thought their form of "charity" was going to be appreciated. Well, that's 2+ hours of my life that I'd graciously take back if I had the chance, not because I didn't cry during every starving baby segment - cuz I did, and not because I wouldn't have donated money - cuz I did, but because I sat there thinking that all that hullabaloo would be worth the real reason we're here: to see someone get the goddamn boot when their week calls. Ugh. Just ugh. And as if all that's not enough to make me buy 2 more TV's just in case, they have the audacity to shorthand the exits of both those contestants who leave us tonight. Keep your eyes peeled, people -- RyRy Tartar is going to hit several restaurants in the continental US very soon. If you order it, the meal's on me.

After last week's appalling display of "shock value", we got to see everyone try their hand again at something musical, and Blake was there too. At least Bon Jovi's still the ageless wonder, providing some hot songs to match. Virtually everyone shined with a few monstrous-looking exceptions, but we're now forced to believe that AI hasn't doctored last week's numbers. Which they have, of course. But that's showbiz, baby, so we'll roll with it.

1. Phil gets to be called Phil instead of Alien this week because he kicked veritable ass and took names in the process. That was by far the best performance he's had to date. Only his version of "I'll Be Watching You" came close to that kind of verve, but this time around, he was impeccable and real from start to finish. Now, it's too bad he told us that the reason he was that impeccable was because that's the only song he's been singing since birth, but it still smelled of sweet roses and baby powder. So much so that I even forgot how scary-looking he is for those 3 minutes. So much so that I almost hired a girl in the front row to subtly strangle Simon for those completely nonsensical, inaccurate, snobby, inappropriate and classless remarks he made in response to it. Maybe he was actually listening to his own audition on The Simpsons instead, but whatever the hell Simon was reviewing had nothing to do with Baldy's effort. 'Cuz the polished dome was so on point last night I could even hear Captain Kirk yelling "engage" in spots.

2. Then came everyone's golden child, and by everyone I mean everyone except for me apparently. Oh, and my coworker. And my coworker's mom. The 3 of us are the only people not convulsing from love on the Sparks train. And boy am I glad I didn't buy season tickets to that show, because last night's horror was the worst I've seen on American Idol since Sanjaya rocked the same hairdo. EVERYTHING, from top to bottom, start to stop, was horrendous, out of place, manic, out of whack, painful, and unnecessary. She looked like the Bride of Frankenstein's mixed cousin, she sang like she was getting stung by wasps throughout, and she looked so uncomfortable I almost changed the channel. And it was a DVR recording, so to change the channel would have required me to press "Exit", then "Done", then "Do you want to keep the recording or delete it?", then "No, Don't Delete", then channel 530 to see if any re-runs of The Tudors were playing because Sunday night's was so good I almost wet myself. But you losers who don't respect the power of Rhys Meyers wouldn't care about that, so I digress. The point is, my index finger almost had to jump through a lot of hoops to get away from the debacle named Jordin. Now, while I appreciate her admission that it went something all funky, apparently she thinks that laughing about it would be endearing. Unfortunately, I realized at that point that Jordin's ego is growing, because only people who are wholeheartedly convinced they're going to win a competition laugh like that after failing so miserably. I'd brush up on the "How to Make America Love the Streaky Within You" handbook, because I'm pretty damn sure thinking you're the shit when you're in fact quite capable of shitty is not the best way to go.

3. And then the Comeback Queen did the unthinkable. With all the reviews of her more recent efforts (including mine), which found about 1,000 different ways to say "She's Outta Heeah!" in 6 different languages, who would have thought my darling Kiki would have brought the fire like she did last night? It was as moving as any performance she's done, she sold it, milked it for all it was worth, and got to makeout with Simon as a reward. Pretty good for a night's work if you ask me. Seriously though. Maybe it was seeing JonBon's shining, lion-like face that lifted her to old and sorely missed heights, but whatever it was, it was WORKIN'. And all the haters can kindly step off my woman, thank you. Your services will not be needed this time around. She stepped up the personality game by MILES, she was charming, she even smiled several times, and then spanked that puppy outta the ballpark. Simon can try to steal her away with one smooch but we all know who's got the goods. In the gender-appropriate spirit of MokenStef -- who's one hit wonder doubles as the greatest 90's R&B anthem of all time -- I'd like to say only this to Cowell: "She's mine. She's mine. You may'a had her once but I got her all the time." I was so proud I almost forgot how tall the hairs on my arms stood up when she sang, and her pause before the grand finale was so pregnant with confidence and power that she gave everyone listening a lesson in how important silence is to great music as much as sound. She deserves ONLY to stay on in this competition, but if she goes it will be with swing in her slim side, because Kiki knows she's a badass bitch and now you know it too. Mwah.

4. Blake got up there and did exactly what he needs to do to pull off the greatest musical heist since the creation of Fergie. He took the risk and it paid off, but as Simon said, there will be a lot of people who will at least ask "Hey? Isn't this show about singing?". The answer to that is yes, and the answer to whether I still think Blake needs to die yesterday is also yes, but a performance like that at least makes me understand why he has some fans. Those fans are not me, in that I don't watch American Beatboxer, but I'm sure if I did, I'd be mildly entertained. I commend him for his bravery, and for his new hair color, but shoot me for wanting an actually great s-i-n-g-e-r to win a great s-i-n-g-i-n-g competition. And whatever he was trying to sell me out of the left inside pocket of his jacket wasn't workin'. I'm not sure why it took him 3 times to figure that out, but I could have at least been respectful enough to look him in the eye before walking past him. I mean, the homeless are human too y'know. Anyhoo, Skaterboy bothers me to no end and really belongs in "America's Got Talent" if anything, but at least he brought back memories of my first Barnum & Bailey show.

5. ChrissyPoo was brave in that other way that usually adds up to bad, like the way David Blaine was brave for deciding to practically kill himself in front of millions by not holding his breath long enough under water. That's the type of bravery where everyone goes "Oh wow. That was brave of him, y'know, to embarrass himself like that with such commitment." Because not only does he know he doesn't belong in the pack anymore, he even decided to go out by singing a song that Daughtry manhandled just last season. Chris Daughtry is the male counterpart to Fantasia in this scenario, wherein no man should be singing it if Big Daddy already touched it. The fact that Chris Not-Daughtry picked it was almost his way of asking for euthanasia, because there's no other way someone in his position with his limitations would choose to do it thinking it'd pay off. He sang it rather well and showed he's got chops, but he also looked like he was trying so hard to stay afloat that I'm pretty certain whatever it feels like to be in the first half of the 25th mile in a marathon would feel a lot better by comparison. He's hot, but he's most certainly wanted dead as far as remaining contestants go after that effort. All good though, despite it being only our second date, the RyRy Tartar's on me, remember?

6. The Doo closed the show, which seemed weird because I feel like she's closed to show a whole damn lot lately. But why not -- she's the bomb and she knows it and her lying about not knowing how to sing rock wasn't going to cover that up. I loved the song itself, and she sure as hell had whatever Tina Turner had for breakfast because if I closed my eyes I couldn't hear the difference most of the time. Of course, then I'd open them and not break into a nervous sweat like Tina's legs make me do on command, so I'm definitely sure it was The Doo on stage. I love her, and appreciate that unlike everyone else she refuses to lower the musical bar at any point, but is her lack of surprise gonna get in her way? For the good of music I sure as hell hope not, but let's not forget who bid us adieu on the show last night. Ha, as if Satan and Laura even know where Africa is on the map. But, if I've learned anything about American history it's that if the Bushes can exist the way they do in our lifetime, The Doo most certainly can get the boot by the brainless just the same. Not sayin' now, but I had to put it out there.

K, so assuming the producers don't act like ungrateful ho's again, we're gonna see 4 buttcheeks get a pat tonight. I'm just hoping my Kleenex box isn't involved, because there's only one way this should go tonight. If only. Here we go!

Shoulda: Chris Richardson & Phil Stacey
Shcoulda: Chris Richardson & Phil Stacey
Wild Card: Phil Stacey & Lakisha Jones

Oh Say Can You Hear?

That question is primarily for Randy "The Rand" Jackson, Useless Abdul and even Simon Says, but feel free to answer it as if I were talking to you as well. I ask this, because in the history of the show, never have I had to witness as much overrated, misplaced critiquing as I did last night, solely to keep ratings up now that Sanbad has given us our ears back. Before I get to the few things that went right last night, I'd like to first give a shout-out to Jesus, who was kind enough to take the mic swiftly away from Sanjaya's hands the second I e-prayed for it. Considering the fact that I don't even believe in him, at least not in the God way, I thought that was really sweet. Man, what a guy. Drinks on me next time. No, no, I insist.

So now that I don't have to cradle my trashcan in my arms while watching AI anymore, I feel that I can focus on the actual singers who are participating in this show, and Blake. Oh, and if you watched last night but didn't vote, shame on you. It's the easiest way to feed a starving African village people! Our cell phones may be killing the bees (read the New York Times if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you illiterate soul), but they can at least bring some food to the table. Kudos once again to FOX for a stellar initiative that is bound to grow bigger with time. More importantly, Sir Bono cometh hence. Giddyup.

So now that we're down to 6, the going gets rough, and more accurately, unfair for those who fall by the wayside. Because at this point in the competition, they're all talented and capable vocalists who have their good days and their bad days, with only 2 exceptions to the rule. Namely, Blake --The Yawning Gymnast of Easy Things That Anyone Can Do with 2 Seconds of Practice -- who has slid by with luck and some sort of hip that I'm obviously not acquainted with nor want to be, and Melinda -- who is the only one left in the pack completely deserving of the Title Idol. Everyone else (Jordin) will be the ones that could win because they're more popular and have good days when they need to have them most. If you didn't notice, that was my nice way of saying everyone else is painfully inconsistent, but human enough to sneak past the pro in our midst. It'd be sad, and undeserved, and yes I do realize that I'm the only person who's actually going to write that out loud. But it's true. As much as I love Lakisha's spankin' vocal talent+humility, and Jordin on the good days, and Chris' yummliciousness, if Melinda Doolitte doesn't win this competition, something's terribly wrong. And when I remember the one thing every Idol past has boasted -- consistency -- I'm wary to bet against her or her internal microchip. We're still a long way from the finish line, but I have a feeling I know how her What-to-Wear Book ends.

So, let's discuss.

1. Chris Richardson's biggest problem last night may have actually been the song choice. It's not that it's not awesome, cuz it is, and I'll cut you if you utter otherwise, but it's Eric Clapton. I mean, who messes with Eric Clapton in front of millions of Americans and expects to be rewarded? Unless you're the demigod himself, or a ridiculously brilliant vocalist, neither of which ChrissyPoo is, you're going to make someone mad. Perhaps even 300 million someones. He did well, for him, and SPR was generally accurate in the summation, but I still felt underwhelmed. Perhaps that's because I was holding my breath the entire time waiting for him to riff too much and set the song into a smoky nosedive. Thankfully, he never crashed, but he didn't soar as much as his final 10 seconds suggested he could have. In this homestretch, only greatness survives, and I'm afraid my JT blowup doll has hit his ceiling. Time's a ticking on this kid; not because he's horrible, and not because he deserves to get the cane, but because someone's got-ta got-ta got-ta got-ta got-ta... gotta get outta here. (Sorry, been listening to the "Rent" soundtrack recently and it's permeating at all the wrong times).

2. Melinda was stunning from start to finish, yet again, and as Randy said, there's nothing more to say really. She's totally the kind of singer you pay money to see, because professionals DELIVER, no matter what the day, what the song, what the reality show station. And in case you weren't sure, the last time Simon used the words "master class" was.... drum roll please... yes, you guessed it... when E Double L Yamin sang Donny Hathaway's "A Song For You" right around the same time last year, so brilliantly, so bone chillingly well, that no one watching knew quite what just happened. Aside from musical greatness -- that much was clear. I say that not only to relight the candle in my shrine to all things Elliott, but also to convey just how great you have to be, from start to finish, to earn such praise.

3. Now we all know why Blake chose the easiest song possible to sing, but the reason I'm currently burning down the small village nearby is because Paula and Simon even had the audacity to say anything good about that performance. Had it been someone they don't really like and aren't getting paid to root for, they would have said the TRUTH, which would likely go a little something like this:

Paula: "Uh... well..... [winces as though her water just broke].... I... I mean... I."

Simon: "Um... I don't know what to sayyy, Blake! [throws up arms before resting them argumentatively on the table]. I mean [boos rain down from the crowd].. Oh shut up, would you! You can't even hear back there! I mean, really, Blake.. you're a nice guy and I appreciate you trying to be 'sincere' or whatever Paula was ranting on about, but that song just didn't do anything for me, or I think for anyone voting at home. And you know that! [boos reensue]. I mean, look. This is the point in the competition where you have to blow us away. And that song won't do it. [Folds arms, hands in pits]. If you want to stay on in this competition, you're gonna have to do a lot better than that. Sorry! [Looks down at his Coke cup and throws the remaining contents on Paula's head until she melts away into oblivion]."

Now, if I were the judge, I'd save all of you that time and effort and say only this: "Why are you here? Go pack."

Moving RIGHT along.

4. Obviously not learning about the importance of good song choice after last week's scare, Lakisha shook up the joint for the first 20 seconds of another former Idol's hit song - and not in the good way. As I wrote last week, it's best for new contestants to steer clear of covering past Idols' songs 1) because it's annoying enough to have to hear them sung by the originators and 2) because it's usually a kiss of death no matter how well you sing it. People voted for those people in those particular seasons to sing that particular song to them on celebration night and beyond. To try to make it your own without really changing anything about the delivery just makes you seem like a less talented copy-cat, even if that's not the case. And more importantly, what I underscored last week was the need for a general rule on American Idol, which involves banning any new contestant from trying to sing Fantasia's songs better than Fantasia. Why? Cuz it just won't happen. Even if you're good (Kiki), people listening (Me) will say, well, okay that was good, but Fantasia's was the bomb. Why? Because Fantasia is the bomb. Why? Because Fantasia was the most talented, most consistent, and most original singer in Idol history. And she had the cojones enough to release a song called "Baby Mama" on her debut album and mean for us to take it seriously. That's a woman with a whole lotta nerve, if you ask me. So, despite the fact that after the 20 seconds of not finding the pitch, Lakisha smacked it silly (did you see them on their feet mid-way too? Yeah, I'm sure that kind of a performance was even more bigtime live), she copied a pristine original to little avail. Yes, it was better than last week, but by hairs. And now that Sanjaya's gone... well, you get the drill.

Oh, but in her defense, I am throwing poop at Simon for claiming that she had a shouting problem last night. Nothing in her performance involved shouting this time around; it involved her big ass voice coming out of that big ass body and making it quite clear that she knows the difference. Jordin, unfortunately, is still trying to figure that difference out when she goes for the high notes, and I'd love it if she'd try to figure it out without producing noise the next go 'round.

5. Alien Stacey was great again, and I'm so happy to see him find his "center". Too bad it's too little too late, especially when in comparison to what he convinced people of last week, last night's affair wasn't as good. True, he didn't miss a note, and true, he did start it as strong as he finished (which may be a first for him), but he's not going to win. And with less country in his country song last night, I'm afraid the Kodak Theatre may be taking elevator boy down to the hotel lobby floor this time around. That said, I'd really love to have a piece of his scalp preserved and framed in my apartment before he heads back to his home planet -- that shit's gonna be worth millions someday.

6. Sparky was good, and at times beautiful to listen to, but not in anyway the "best vocal in the history of the show" as Idiot Jackson would have us believe. I was so offended I almost decided to post those pics of his gastric-bypass surgery online despite his multiple requests that I keep them under wraps. My GOD. First Blake, and now this blasphemy! She's great, and phenomenal for her age, and yes, yes, she may win, rah, rah, shut the hell up. But that rendition matched Lakisha's first 20 seconds in pitch problems, and topped it off at the end with not one, but TWO big time screetches that made my eardrums fall out of my ears into my cup of tea. Funny how her caucasian predecessor Kat McPhee had this same exact problem last year. The yelling out of tune when attempting to hit notes that are outside of her chest register that *is* in fact the definition of scream-singing instead of singing, Simon. With some training she'll be a ridiculous young singer one day, but I will not sit here and be told things that are not true. So you can cheer for the frizz as much as you want, as will I when she sings things correctly all the way through, but in case you haven't figured it out over the past 3 months, I don't do overblown. Never. Call it like you hear it, Rando, or your weightloss secrets are mine. Will the fallible but lovable youngster pull out the victory over the heavy-hitting infallible wonder of Doo? Well, you know where Kat McPhee ended up last time, and just like last year, I'd be all smiles.

So, who's hitting the curb tonight, huh? HUH?! This is when things stop making sense, and it's all about numbers. Frankly, I don't really care that much anymore because my sole reason for breathing of late had been to see SuckySanj sing his last. And that Bono thing, which makes all these aspiring karaoke stars look and sound like just that. But, I owe you some choices, and y'know I'm good for it.

Shoulda: Chris Richardson
Coulda [CORRECTION... likely because I selectively forgot about him]: Blake Lewis
Wild Card: Lakisha "She's Still My Wife, Wanna Fight About It?" Jones
Number of Charity Votes Amassed: 82,000

Jesus, Take The Mic, Take it From His Hands.

And we all know which mic and which hands in particular I'm referring to. Need I echo more of the same, when everyone else, INCLUDING my coworker of Indian descent said Sansucky was the worst thing to ever happen to music last night? For the love of all that is good and holy - which, after a week like Virginia Tech has had, I'm not sure exists anymore - it is TIME. It's been time. And although I don't think we'll be blessed enough to see his bony ass leave us tonight, I do believe Sanjaya will come darn close to the shredder this week. Not because we who hear and like to enjoy music are realizing anything new; but because I think a performance as insulting as that was unacceptable to even his legions of fans. For the first time this season, I could honestly picture votefortheworst.com-heads and Howard Stern himself being EMBARRASSED by their ongoing support for this aberration. As well they should be. Cuz nothing about last night's effort by The Petit Prince was funny. Nothing at all. There is hope my friends -- and dare I say it, if not tonight, then soon and very soon.

So, Martina McBride made up for the fact that Jennifer Lopez was coaching anyone who wants to excel in singing last week. Plus I now know that if I look into her sky blue eyes for too long, I will never come back out of that amazing abyss. Dude - forget the fact that she can sing her butt off, and even forget the fact that without Martina McBride, we would never have a Carrie Underwood to speak of - her eyes alone could sell a billion records. Plus she's just so nice and genuine; which, on the con side of things prevents her from being critical to any extent, even when faced with Suckakar, but on the pro side makes her like a little teddy bear that I just wanna hug. And she's a country singer, so that's saying a lot coming from me. That said, can we finally get some Shania up in the spot next time there's a country night? Cuz I'd kinda do anything Shania Twain told me to do, and I'd like it. Ohhhh yes, I'd like it. But, I digress. Some songs happened, and some people shined with them, while others would have done better tripping off the stage and chipping a tooth on Randy's cowboy boot. Only these paragraphs will tell.

1. Rawhide!! Alien Stacey finally has a reason for landing! It's to sell records as a country singer. Which now makes a lot more sense, because we all know he likely touched down in some cornfield in backbrush Nebraska. I was downright proud of the man, who by now likely has a personal P.O. Box set up in the Bottom 3. He rocked it from start to finish, and for the first time, didn't make us have to wonder exactly what it is about him we don't like. I could see him at his own country concert, with fans actually buying it, bald or no bald. And by his own country concert I of course mean one in which he opens for Carrie Underwood when the other, actually famous country act backed out last minute, but hey, it's still more than he could've hoped for 2 days ago. The saddest part is that he could very easily head home tonight, and there'd be no justice in that, given that every other man up there this week pretty much reeked. But at least he now has a musical home and can do what prior to Bucky Covington and that shitty Pickler girl, was thought to be impossible for unfamous famous people -- have a hit single.

2. Jordin made up for those dang low notes she still won't ever get along with by singing miraculously for the rest of the song, and especially when it counts most: the second half of it. From the top part of her dress up, she looked luscious, and as long as the camera had nothing to do with that orange monstrosity down South, she was wholly enjoyable from a third of the way in on. Her ending was the best yet this season, and she soared in all the right places. So, now she can rest easy as she takes one slot in this season's finale show - if not the crown. She wouldn't deserve the crown based on vocal talent alone, but even with her inconsistencies, she has more of the total "American Idol" package than anyone else, in that she's lovable, purty, young, and incredibly talented. Melinda is 1 of those things (I'll let you guess which one), and completely unsurprising in her prowess to boot. At least Jordin knows how to keep us guessing, for better (last night and that other time she did the same exact thing on a winning vocal... just stood there) and for worse (those times when she looks ridiculous, misses more notes than she makes, mimes, and moves alot).

3. There's nothing to say really. Although his hanky on hair maneuver didn't bother me as much as it probably should have. What did bother me beyond repair, however, is the fact that this was the second time this season that someone ungood chose to murder a Bonnie Raitt song. Can everyone who sucks please stop messing with my babymama? Please? Now, I do realize that "Something to Talk About" is a perennial Idol favorite, but I think there should be a general rule that states if Fantasia has sung it before, it need not be repeated. Then again, when it comes to Sanjaya, the rule should likely state that if it's ever been sung before, it need not be repeated. As aforementioned, tonight could present a rockier road for Mr. Mal (yes, both English and Spanish connotations apply), but I fear it's not the end. Having received first-hand warning that he is in fact the only talk of every town in India, I can only surmise that we's in trouble. We's in trouble plenty.

4. Lakisha disappointed for the most part, because we all know she should have not been singing that song, in that way. The only silver lining was that she once again looked ravishing in a much less "conspicious" way, and she didn't stink up the joint nearly as much as she did last week. That's the good news. The bad news is girlfriend will likely be sleeping on my couch sooner than later, because if she has one more bad go, she will not even make it to the top 3, let alone the throne. The distance between her and The Doo has widened to nearly seismic proportions, and Jordy's youthful, "hot today, not tomorrow" edge that keeps us wondering is about to slice her down the middle if she's not careful. She sings better than any of them, but without the external factors that Jordin has working in her favor, Keeks can't afford to be streaky. And I don't know about you, but something suggested to me last night that Lakisha may not even be enjoying herself anymore. She seems distant, which teeters on disconnected too much of the time. I totally understand her feeling that way -- mainly because American Idol is and always will be a poptastic joke in itself -- but the second the fans think she doesn't mind leaving, well, they'll be the first to help expedite that very process. I love you still, my dearest fellow Marylander, but the finish line is getting blurrier and blurrier for you, and it's next week or never.

5. Chris Richardson was great -- for those 5 seconds in the second sixth of the song. Then the rest happened and left me as confused about his angle in hanging on in this competition as I am about RyRy's sexuality and Paula's fashion choices. I commend him for the most interesting and traditionally country song choice of the night, but it just didn't work. And it HAD to work, because his nasality is giving everyone a headache by now, and when no one even really knows the song you're singing, you have to do the Melinda and kick it in the ass twice over to convince everyone to send a vote or two your way. Now, the bedeviled shrieks from the hot-obsessed females in the crowd suggest some youngins are still going to pull for him, and his last ditch attempt to gain "hometraining votes" for his shoutout to VTU could help the Virginia boy this time around. But I doubt it. And even though we were all kinda thinking it, boo on Simon for revealing his eye-roll after the remarks were made. It would've worked a lot better if Chris had performed well, but given that he sucked, it all just made him look like a 4-year-old with floaties on in the baby pool. Parents hands on back and belly included. I hope he kept them on for tonight.

6. Finally, Simon shut down what I saw in Memphis audition Round 1 that now everyone apparently is just SO ANNOYED with. Yeah, Melinda's fake thing? Yeah. That. Funny how, if she had been that genuinely humble and surprised the whole time, then why didn't it take more than 0.14 seconds for her to turn it off completely? Oh? She's fake? Oh. Oh, I see. Thank you. The second she got word that that little maneuver was making her less endearing than moreso, the robot in her deleted the calculation, never to be seen again (hopefully). Trouble is, seeing her drop the act so fast made her even more unlovable to me, despite being the only person deserving of the Idol crown this year. She was fantastic, although the song wasn't very challenging for someone with her chops.. and she looked LEAGUES better than in previous weeks. It's likely she and Jordin in the finale, which, ironically, would actually give Jordin a better chance at winning than if it were Blake. Wait. Read what I just wrote again. Is that not the most disgusting sentence ever written? I know, I know, which part is more disgusting ... the fact that Melinda could easily not win American Idol this year, or that Blake could even get in the finale at all. Too close to call. But I'm nauseous as a result, that much is clear. I do wish I could take the words back, but I can't. There's too much truth in them to keep it all to myself. And so...we weep.

7. Blake sucked even for Blake, which brought me great joy as I could then avoid hearing SPR jones on him like a sucking candy. Or so I thought, after hearing Blake's unbelievably large hot air balloon of talent deflate and crash in a field somewhere. But, once again, the judges got whatever under-the-table offer they've been getting to blow this kid up beyond all comprehension, and continued this rant about how great he is. The Rand said he "knows who he is", which is obviously not the case, because if he did know that, he would be at home coming up with new beats for Gwen's discohipop album rather than trying to sing on American Idol. And singing is really a generous term in Blake's case; it's more like cavemanic yawning with some noise coming out. He's a joke, and you all know you read this blog because I keep it real regardless of what the tides of pop fanaticism may draw forth. He is in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM deserving of the title Idol, and would almost insult me more than Sanjaya winning, because in Blake's case, people would have meant for him to win based on his talent. Despite being stronger than I ever thought I could be in that I still manage to get out of bed each day after seeing who's currently famous for their "musical" "talent", that possibility is not something I'm ready to live with. So much so, that if it's Sanjaya or Blake in the finale, I say to you now that I will join my Hindu brethren in the fight for a joke star than an overrated one. I say it. And in a few weeks time, with enough liquor in me, I just might mean it.

So... given that there are only 7 contestants left, there very well may not be a bottom 3 this week. I'm guessing more like a bottom 2. In which case, look for Chris and Phil to be doing some double-dutch mid-stage. But, assuming there are 3, here's the bettin', and you know I've had a hot hand lately so don't sleep.

Shoulda (but won't): Sanjaya Malakar
Coulda: Chris Richardson
Wild Card: Phil Stacey

Every Doo Has Its Day

Well, for all of you who were wondering, I finally figured out why Jennifer Lopez was asked to come anywhere near a few talented singers this season. For starters, it finally gave JLo a chance to see what talent looks like up close and in person, which, as I'm sure AI's producers were hoping, would then force her to committ suicide for having put us through so many of her own failed attempts at having just that. Second, it would give the less talented like herself any hope of usurping Melinda and Lakisha's stronghold over the top slots. And although I regret to report that JLo still loves herself too much to give us back that wasted oxygen she takes up, she did manage to give the horrible among AI this year a chance at survival - heck, victory even. Mainly because JNo's only gift aside from looking great all the time is worsening everything with which she comes in contact. Hence, we were party to what was, HANDS DOWN, the WORST NIGHT on American Idol, in the history of American Idol. Every one of them up there were parodies of themselves, which by all reasoning shouldn't even be possible given that all AI contestants are already parodying themselves, their musical dreams, and their sense of "accomplishment" by being on the show. Yet, leaving no good thing unturned, Jennifer made former greats look embarrassing, allowing for generally awful singers to shine solely by the laws of relativity. What we were left with was a wholly forgettable night of performances, and an empty space in our souls where great singing should've gone. The injustice of how the tables have turned thanks to JNo's evil hand goes without saying. Thus, there is nothing I can do but review it, and cry. Cry because Sanjaya may be in the finals now, cry because Blake may even win it, and cry because all last night proved was that none of these final contestants have the impermeable lovability of any Idols past... which, in the end will leave us with a winner, but without an inspiration.

And so, I'm going back to kicking rocks in my backyard, as I recall the 8 sucky, lifeless, insulting wastes of our time that took place, in this order:

1. The producers finally put Melinda in the dreaded first slot, and lo and behold, she sucked. As Simon pointed out, everyone was waiting for a day when The Doo wouldn't deliver, but I was beginning to think she'd never let it happen when the cameras were on. I'm happy to be wrong, but I also could've done something much more exciting for those two minutes than sit there and wait for the good part to kick in. Come to think of it, I should probably stop waiting for it, because now I realize it's never going to come when Melinda tries to be sensual and sultry in any way. I'm not sure whether necks are generally a prerequisite for sass, but how else can my fellow sistas say "Oh! Oh NO you didn'!" to any effect without one? And, how else is the wholly unsexy Doo supposed to evoke sexy when the very body part necessary for verve just ain't there? And her What-to-Wear book obviously took a hike upon hearing that JLo was coming to town, because she looked roughly 53 in that outfit and 'do. Nothing was working, nothing was next-level, and nothing was memorable about it in a good way. Now, I'd like to think that Ms. Doolittle is a fan of the blog and therefore was just trying to follow my advice from last week, which suggested she suck a bit in order to use vulnerability to her advantage, but this was not the way to go about it. Y'see, when Jordin doesn't rock all the time, people like it because the sugary imperfection is lovable to those who ride on her train, but Melinda's version of imperfection was stiff, bland, aged, and impersonal. I'm glad to be reminded that in fact no one is perfect, but you'd think that JLo would have at least shown LindyLoo how to stretch weakness as far as it can possibly go. Guess not.

2. Then, in an unexpected turn in sequencing, Ryan announced that Lakisha would be going next. So naturally, I sat there with joy emanating from every pore, having just seen Melinda leave the road to victory wide open for my beloved. Here was the moment I'd been waiting for! Kiki was going to kick her while she was down - and I was going to replay that glorious moment on my DVR until the end of time. Until Kiki came out and was equally as bad as Melinda, equally as forgettable, and equally as wince-inducing. I may never recover from the disappointment, but I just don't understand what came over her to choose such a song. Anyone who's ever sang - showerstages include - knows that that song is not a singer's song, it's a dancer's song, an entertainer's song, an aerobics class's song. If one seeks to impress others as a mediocre vocalist, like Gloria Estefan does so well is so many different ways, then this is a perfect selection. But for actually great singers, it's a joke. And the joke's most certainly on the one singing. Kiki did look great again, even if each of her breasts has its own zip code, but that was it. And when I saw her make her way to the bottom 3 tonight, I ... well... I... *sigh*. I don't want to talk about it. Moving on.

3. Chris was pretty bad again, but we didn't really realize it as much because thankfully M&L Productions failed to produce. He was more fun, he did sing a more contemporary song, and he did open up in the end without overdoing it. But, the majority of it was messy, paling in comparison to the infectious Rob Thomas/Santana original. He should have lured Alien Stacey away from "Maria, Maria" with Reese's pieces because that would've have been a better song for him, but at least he stayed in his safe zone (i.e. uptempo), hoping like he always does that the fun energy of the music itself will obscure his lackluster vocals. And the more I think about it, I don't think he fooled many people this time around; his ass will be lucky if he isn't holding hands with Haley tonight. And we all know where she'll be.

4. Speaking of which, Haley continued to sing like a B-rated off-Broadway ensemble understudy, but her safe zone -- or zones to be more exact -- were still trying to take our eyes off the real matter at hand. I give her credit for choosing the best song she could choose on a night like last night, and for shamelessly trying to win points with JLo by wearing the EXACT same outfit as Ms. Lopez during rehearsal. Although, it must have been depressing to walk in thinking "Man, I can't wait to bond with Jennifer about being considered hot singers!", only to discover that standing next to Jenny heavily underscores how overrated Haley is when it comes to attractiveness. But still, it all amounts to the same question: why is she still here? Dare I say it, I'm more offended by her remaining presence on this show than Sanjaya. I mean, sure, he's an inverse counter-example to all things worth deeming "Idol", so I get the fanaticism. But Haley? She has never once impressed us vocally, she's not even that hot, she has absolutely zero edge, and yet, she stays week after week. Hopefully, if my powers of perception are worth anything, the make-up mishap that occurred on her face last night could finally have sealed the deal once and for all. If you all remember, Gina went home earlier than expected, and I attribute this primarily to not only the power of prayer, but to the power of wearing slutty makeup and too-bright red lipstick in unflattering ways. I will forever contend that Gina's awful makeup last week was her downfall, and I'm hoping that Haley's similarly blinding gestures this week will follow suit.

5. Phil chose the right song for him, in that it was soulful and vocally challenging, but like Chris, he failed to do the original justice or to get any "wow"'s from the crowd on a song that is built for just that. He's still the best male vocalist there, and that's still not much of a compliment, but the awful hat choice, combined with the age-old fact that luck does indeed run out eventually means he very well could be singing that song again for us tonight. I wouldn't miss him that much, but I would feel somewhat bad given that on vocal chops alone, he should be there longer than a lot of these other tools. He may scrape by again tonight, but all he's got left is us wondering when he's finally gonna get the axe, and last time I checked, that's not a great place to be in in a talent show. Not in high school, not in college, not at open mics, and definitely not on American Idol.

6. Jordin was a B/B+ yet again, and also continued her love for bratty miming whenever she stands next to Ryan Seacrest, but she's clearly not going anywhere. But I will tell you where you'll be going if you ever say she looks a lot like me. Straight to hell. That's where. (Note: I have gotten confirmation from everyone who's ever seen a resemblance that she's looks like a less attractive version of me plus 50 or so pounds. Which, I can only barely deal with. But I suggest that if you'd like to draw comparisons to me and this chick, you do it in the privacy of your own head, lest you wanna lose it. I looked like her (less 50 pounds) for like 2 minutes in 8th grade, and I'm pretty damn sure that doesn't count. So even if you think she's really pretty, kindly take that ridiculousness outside.) Oh, and by the way, Jordin is quickly filling up the Kat McPhee spot that I had nursed long and hard last year.. namely, the very talented contestant who does not deserve to win the title due to incredibly streaky, too-often flawed performances. So, even if she does win and everyone's all chummy about it, I won't be that moved (see intro paragraph for more clarification). In fact, I'd likely be depressed until next January when Idol gives me some new options.

7. Blake clearly had the performance of the night, and, in my opinion, his best performance thus far. And, thanks to the fact that everyone else was offensively bad this time around, his winning move probably secured him a seat at the finale, if not the throne itself. Now, don't get me wrong, the thought of Blake actually winning American Idol (as I think of so many contestants past who didn't even get close -- Tamyra Gray, Jennifer Hudson, George Huff, and last but never EVER least, E Double L Yamin) would undoubtedly be the saddest event in US History since 9/11. That said, he did what Kiki should have done, kicking EVERYONE while they were down and running away with it. It was a perfect song choice for him in that it doesn't require much more than singing one central note, he left behind his shitty excuse for talent known as beatboxing, and he wore a hat whose ugliness detracted substantially from his own. Well played, skaterboy. Well played. Heck, he's even going so low as to script himself into more face time by telling JLo to conveniently call him over for a lame drum beat during Haley's rehearsal. Savvy, I tell you. Ever so conveniently savvy. Leave it to the hip-hop producer to make the most out of nothing much at all. Now I see why JLo played along with it, having seen so much of herself in him.

8. And finally, Sanjaya put on his shipwrecked man costume and damn near choked me to death with the nerve of it all. His hair, his "facial hair", his generally weird persona that's really starting to give me the heeby jeebies... what to say anymore? He definitely didn't suck, I'll give him that. Shoot, in parts, he even sounded like a singer. But as I mentioned last week, I'm hoping that he starts to up his vocal game like this with continued speed, because ironic as it may be, the better he gets, the closer he'll come to being eliminated. If he stays awful, the more pity-plus-playing around votes he'll muster. But if he starts trying to be taken seriously as a singer, well, party over. Howard Stern will leave him, whoever made the awesome "Sanjaya is my Papaya" sign will leave him, and his unfathomable fame will leave him too. Here's hoping the boy continues to step it up, so that he can more quietly step down when his time finally comes. Of course, that's my fantasy... the reality is he's got more votes than you'd believe.. so much so that he could veritably win it if the stars align the right way. I don't think God is that mean, but you never know, and Sanjaya still being here is proof enough of that.

So.. bettin's on people! Here's where it all gets murky and mucky. Especially when everyone performs as bad as that. But here I go!

Shoulda: Haley Scarnato
Coulda: Phil Stacey
Wild Card: Chris Richardson

Singing 101: "How To Win It, When Lakisha's In It". -- Dr. Doolitte

So, Tony Bennett's really old. Not too old to win a Grammy, true, but definitely too old to remember being on American Idol last night. I wonder if he's wondering at this very moment who this weird-looking gay guy Ryan Seacrest is, and why he's asking him what he needs for his results show performance tonight. It's gotta be nightmarish, because as scary as waking up to Ryan Seacrest would be, combining that with the faint white light at the corner of all his dreams has just got to be hell. Unfortunately, he was also responsible for one of the snooziest competition weeks on American Idol. But at least I don't have to watch Akon and Gwen pretend to know anything about singing this time around.

So, without further ado, The Nine.

1. Blake sucked once again, and then sat back as SPR simultaneously sucked his ass for nothing special. What can I say? The extent to which this kid is overrated makes me break out into hives and heatrash, after which I'm forced to open my eyes and find a way to somehow deal with his face. He's nothing special, he rarely impresses on vocals alone, he's un-good-looking, shit, he's not even tall, and yet the judges mistake him for Antonella with Melinda's pipes. I just don't understand, and I'm not going to spend more time on it because I've lost enough hair over this kid as it is. All I'll say is that on his personally relative scale that ranges from overrated but interesting to overrated and redefining the term bad, he was closer to the latter than the former. In short, one of his weakest performances thus far on all counts.

2. Once again, Phil channeled well in terms of vocals, but I hope he at least had enough time in the limelight to buy some more expensive luggage for his trip home tonight. He needs blowout performances from here on in to stay in it, having scraped the bottom slot so many times thus far when votes are counted. This time, despite trying to eek out as many little hairs as his baldness will allow, it's too little, too boring, too elevatory, too weird-looking, to extraterrestrial, too late.

3. In the only war that's kept me watching this season, one can only say the obvious after a show like last night's: Melinda is the most seasoned American Idol contestant in the show's history. That said, in a world where Sir Suckalot is still around week after week for no comprehensible reason, the fact that The Doo is the most consistently amazing singer out there doesn't mean she'll win. It would surely be an ironic twist of fate should she happen to cede the throne because she's too good, but it wouldn't be suprising. In fact, her solid work time and time again could be her downfall and here's why. She's started to enter a weird backwards zone, wherein people don't go beserk over her peformances because they're all picture perfect. All of a sudden, the great singer/storyteller has no reality TV story of her own; no capacity to move audiences with greatness because she's never been anything but great. I worry for her in this regard, because it would seem unfair that the strongest contestant be cast aside precisely because she's so strong, but when you sprinkle in a head shrug of disingenuine shock whenever someone compliments her talent for the 2 billionth time, I cease to care all that much. Never in my life did I expect to say this about an AI contestant, but I highly recommend that Melinda show some sign of weakness -- even if that's a totally manufactured cryfest mid-song that prevents her from singing well for 3.6 seconds. It'd be nicer, though, if she just kinda didn't kick a song in the ass so completely even just once -- because while never making a mistake helped Fantasia claim the title years ago, The Doo does not have the natural heart-filling humility, strong personality, or emotional past of her predecessor. Melinda's coming in an overly solid form that electrifies you like a force of nature, but doesn't let you in. A little liquid will go a long way for this powerhouse (tears, sweat, anything... just not pee, pee's never good).. and it will make winning the title Idol easier than, say, beatboxing.

4. Chris (so glad I know longer have to specify your last name - die Sligh, die) did as kickass a job as he can do at this point. He's never going to outmatch the (actually) strong vocalists in the competition, but he looked hot from the fedora down, he displayed cool quite convincingly despite the risky hat choice, and he's keeping his name in the tabloids by supposedly dating former contestant Alaina Alexander. Now, we all know that's really Alaina's last-ditch attempt t keep her name in the tabloids because she knows singing ain't gonna do it, but at least people are talking about him. And as Sanjaya can teach, keeping people talking about you could even get Ryan Seacrest to call you a "legend" in the same sentence as Tony Bennett. He should be okay from elimination, and I give my loverboy kudos for recovering nicely since the bottom 2 slipup of 2 weeks ago, but he could pay a surprise visit to the bottom 3 tonight if enough people have finally decided they're too tired to care. I hope that's not the case, but I have a variety of ways to cheer him up if it comes to that -- Alaina or no Alaina.

5. Jordin sang crystal clearly for the most part, but she still hasn't redeemed herself since slipping so far downhill during last week's debacle of a performance. She's back to her original form, which is the kid who sounds great for the most part, but not for enough of the part to win it on merit alone. She's lucky she's young and cute, she'll be here till just about the very end, and her curly hair finally looked right last night. All fine and good. But her bratass persona still pokes out when you need to see it least (i.e. ever) and it's going to hurt her as long as she decides not to sing fantastically from start to finish. Oh, and in case no one else has said it yet aside from my post last week, she has absolutely ZERO low notes. So, someone should tell her to avoid them at all costs, instead of trying oh-so-hard to hit just one of them to prove to herself and us that she can, damnit, she can!! Answer: you can't. So stop crapping over your own strengths by over-showcasing your constant weaknesses. And I'll just repeat what those weaknesses are not only for emphasis but in hopes that perhaps the karma gods will usher them to your little ear one day: 1) you's a brat, shut the hell up, stop miming and just stand there why don't ya; and 2) low notes are not your friend -- in fact they hate you almost as much as I hate hearing you try to connect with them to no avail.

6. Gina, I don't know why people keep saying your performance was "understated" and mean it in a good way. Perhaps because they're still reeling from your efforts last week to do your very very not-good-enough best. That's fine for them. But here, in the blog of reality, I will tell you the truth. You breathed new life into the word boring, you were average from start to finish, and despite being quite the simpleton, you didn't even command a simple rendition of a pretty simple song at any point. That said, you do have one very clear strength: the ability to use makeup and styling to such disadvantage that I almost want to take notes because I've never seen anything like it before. You looked downright HEINOUS last night. And this wasn't a styling issue alone; this was your face, your hair, it was all just covered in wrong. Smothered in it. And I'm hoping that they put your ass in the bottom 3 for the first time solely because those dipshits who vote for you each week were too blinded by the sight of you to dial your number correctly. This is my hope and my prayer. Now don't go bragging about this to your tranny friends, but your dismissal is my reason for living.

7. Hmm...so it looks like Miami Vice met up for drinks with Carol Brady last night, and things got a little messy. No... a lot messy. And all of a sudden a freakish mutant child was birthed out of the fray, only to now be known as Sanjaya. The undeniably worst part of it all, however, was that he didn't completely and utterly suck, which is what we need if any of these Indians are going to let up. Although on the other hand, if he ups his vocal game just a bit more to below average, perhaps Howard Stern will stop trying to make a farce of the show by using him as the posterchild for talentless America. There was a two-way tie for best part of the performance -- one of which was the end, of course; the other being Simon's comments. Brilliant move for a hopeless man who can see no other way to rid us of this beast. As an equally hopeless woman with hearing ability, I'd like to join the Cowell call and say only this: Sanjaya was fucking AMAZING, wasn't he?!?!? I mean, who knew this kid had that in him after all this time and all that flack? I'm so moved I may even vote for him next week.. cuz obviously he'll be here next week because he so deserves it! Whew!! What rhymes with FAN!??? Duh --- Me!!

(K, I'm gonna go projectile puke on myself now... but I'll be back in a minute to finish this up.)



...So, where were we? Ah yes.
8. Haley didn't look good in that color green by the way, and if there was any doubt, let's just say she got the fashion compliment from Captain Paula Abdul. But the gams were blowin in the wind, the boobs weren't far behind, and she really left nothing else to the imagination except a kind world where she sounds great. She sang something, who knows what or why, but she did cuz those are the rules and I suppose she ought to in order to keep the producers happy. Personally, I'd be happier if she just stood there. Preferrably with no lights on. Sigh, oh well. Unlike the other horrible beings, however, I don't have anything against Haley. I think I got on her pep train a bit when Simon burned a cigarette onto her soul by saying he didn't even know her name. The fact that she's still here is a nice sock in the crotch, and unlike Gina, she doesn't look like mud, so hey, I'm neutral. She's welcome to stay a week or two more, she's welcome to go, but the bottom three is surely hers to keep this week.

9. Lakisha stumbled a bit in the first third of her performance, but it's negligible when looking at the performance as a whole, which, per usual, was kind of like awesome. She slipped to number two in the Chocolate War of 2007, but that's exactly what's keeping this so entertaining from start to finish. Whatever she didn't do perfectly out of the gate last night, she made up for in the latter stages, and proved once again why on vocals alone, she is the queen to beat. But The Doo has the package deal right now when it comes to stageowning, so it's an uphill battle for Kiki until next week. Now, I know my woman will come correct when the bell tolls, but I do wish she had chosen a stronger song that would have allowed her to open up a lot more. For the most part, she stayed low and in control, which is fine but not life-changing like her up high and in control can be. And if she's going to take the baton back from LindyLoo, it has to be with rich, soaring vocals that only Kiki can master. After tonight, we take that turn into Seriousville, where every decision one makes is the difference between staying and going...and no decision will be more important than song choice. Her competitor has that art down pat, so it's locker room and chalkboard time for Kiki & Co. Somehow, I'm confident the cosmic x's and o's will tie together beautifully for her, no matter what the result.

So, who's packin up? I'm still dusting my shoulder off from the past 2 weeks' predictions, so excuse me if I'm a little occupied when making this week's guesses:

Shoulda (but won't): SanDIEya -- 'cuz he shouldn't even be here to begin with
Coulda (most likely): Phil Stacey
WildCard: Haley Scarnato

Hair-'em Scare-'em

Good news everyone! I'm going to be OKAY. I feared that I'd have to slip a coworker a 20 to get them to type out this week's post as I dictated it while pacing, but alas, crisis AVERTED. My eye doctor says I'm going to be just fine, and that the blindness I experienced after being attacked by a ponyhawk around 8:45pm last night is only temporary. By the grace of God, I have returned to the land of the seeing, and I'm more than confident that the land of the hearing is not far off. But I'll be patient; I know experiencing that much sonic damage in one sitting is quite an undertaking, and far be it from me to be greedy when my personal health is on the line.

Before we get to this week's utter insanity, I'd like to hold a short moment of silence for Stephanie Edwards' departure. Not because I even miss her all that much, or because she clearly should have stayed long after most of these other fools sail away into Hades (and that had better be where they're going, because the losers' eternally damned gondola ride on the River Styx is one of the main reasons I watch this show). No, not for any of those silly reasons. Rather, I'm holding it for my brilliant prediction tactics thus far. Wouldn't you? And look! I even saved some extra room on my back for you to pat it if you'd like. Go on, I don't bite. Thaaaat's it. Okay, you can raise your heads back up and return to less important matters at hand. While you're at it, I'll cozy back up in the Temple of the Right and Wholly Unsurprised.

I'd also like to give a shout-out to Lulu and Peter Noone, who proved last week that even bad teeth can't prevent English entertainers from aging more gracefully than shrivelly Americana. Both Brit stars retained much of their performance verve, hitting all their notes, smiling and engaging audience members throughout, and making it quite clear why they ever enjoyed success as pop stars. I would say the same for Ms. Ross of a few weeks ago, but I can't. And because I can't, we move swiftly on. Oh! Except to say that Lulu looked friggin' fantastic and sang even better. To Lu with Love, we salute you.

So, now that the world has veritably forgotten Stephanie and her talent, and now that I've kicked enough rocks in my backyard to accept the injustice that pervades this ridiculously amateur and unsavory industry, I can return to this week's performances. Aside from our visit to the zoo courtesy of Sanjaya (someone should really tell the boy that donning dead animals atop one's head is dangerously unsanitary), another central theme to this week's breakdown will be SPR's outrageously off calls in most parts, which took the form of blowing smoke up several undeserving asses, and jointly urinating on more appealing efforts. I hate them when they lift their hind legs to do a onesy on those who shined brightest just because they don't think they can make as much money off them. I really do. And just for that, I've decided NOT to clean up after them when they decide to take their twosies in equally improper places from here on in. And so, I give you the few who were great, the many who were average, and Chris Sligh.

1. Lakisha was arguably the best vocal of the night, but no one will remember that because they put her first. And I guess I kept wondering last week when they were going to put one of the power divas first to give other people a fighting chance of survival, but I still didn't appreciate it. Good thing she made the most of it as only she can -- I don't know if you remember, but I do: every single note was on, her voice soared in all the right places, she controlled from start to finish, she sang it three times better than Donna Summer on a good day, and she looked fantastic on top of it. If they had put that same exact performance last, she would have stolen the night again; but, feeling bad for Melinda's less than perfect performance from last week, the producers gave The Doo the edge in terms of product placement. I'm okay with it, because Kiki still gripped it, snipped it, and ripped it, but I would appreciate more love from both the Wizard of AI and SPR next time around. They gave her love as she deserved, but then had the AUDACITY to tell GINA DIE-YESTERDAY-I-HATE-YOU-WHY-MUST-YOU-LIVE-IN-MY-LIFETIME GLOCKSEN that she had the best vocal of the night by that time. I'm so mad I'm about to go blind again, so I just have to move on and say Kiki returned to pristine vocal form and we've decided on a Spring wedding.

2. Then Chris Sligh continued his anti-rhythmic rampage with such consistency and assuredness that I'm starting to think he's trying to make it his trademark. Now, when I point out that he has no ability whatsoever to find musical pocket even if it came in the form of chocolate cake, no one votes him off. But hopefully now that Gwen Stefani and her kiss-ass judges have finally followed suit, maybe Dracula will meet his maker. I mean, every aspect of his performance was horror personified, the song choice that made him as amateur as he's ever sounded, the notes that didn't happen, the swaying out of time to match his vocal gymnastics (of course, these representing the gymnast who was told soon after practice that maybe he should try chess instead), the continued ugliness that now boasts a small hair patch on the lower half of what I think is his face, the unconvincing mic stand carrying that he just won't give up on... EVERYTHING about it. And as if that wasn't enough, he went on to tell us that the "musical theory" of this song is so "complicated" that, y'know, in his musical expertise, the chorus never comes in on the downbeat. Hm. I see your point, except that the chorus in this song always comes in on the downbeat. But thanks for playing! Jesus H. I hate this kid; and I'm happy to say I have since the beginning. I'm glad to see other viewers finally starting to pack up my pew in the Temple (you know which one), but this kid was the worst of the night if you ask me. Seeing as how I don't consider Sanjaya a singer makes it easier to exclude him from this particular call. And if there really is a Buffy, this bloodsucker is a goner by night's end.

3. Now, Gina did give her best performance thus far. Yet, given that most of her performances inspire a homicidal rage in me that I didn't even know I had, that's not saying much. She did pace it perfectly, she did rely on audience applause midway to cover up the fact that she didn't really hit the low notes like truly gifted singers would, and she did wear some pretty slick boots. But that's about it. I'm just mad that she likely bought herself a solid 3 more weeks before the Underworld comes a-knockin' with that effort. Even in her best showing, however, she continues to be annoyingly shouty, which I really don't appreciate. Oh well, one day soon, the sun will shine again. For now, she'll continue to be the wasted space that no one gives an 1-ply asswipe about.

4. He Who Shall Usher in the End of the World did one thing right last night: he chose 7 ponies to place in his Hawk of Suck instead of just one large mass. Cuz he's gonna need all the luck he can muster not to get sliced into a thousand bits and fried up by a street vendor who's looking to cash in on Sanjaya's inexplicable fame by making him edible for the masses. I mean really, how does the kid sleep at night? Especially now, because I'm sure that 'do gave him some kind of a headache. Word on the street is he's depressed behind the scenes... ha! As though that's supposed to be surprising? If the vendor doesn't get to him first, the 10-story ledge will. I give it about 5 years before he comes into his own (as a post-pubescent dude, not as a performer obviously), looks back on these old tapes in an unlit basement, and leaves those he loves small pieces of his hula skirt before he dives. I want to feel bad for him, but his hair got in my way once again... and I don't take pity on someone who tries to take my eyes. You wanna play dirty, Sucktown? Fine. Dirty it is. You sang worse than you looked, you represent all that is bad about pop music today, and a parade is being planned in your honor for the morning after you are trap door-ed from American Idol. And I know it's a longshot, but I'm praying to Vishnu that your Indian supporters turn away in disgust after this hairstyle debacle, thereby ending your ride on this train forevermore. A longshot, I know. But karma is real, especially the Hindu kind, so I figured I'd put it out there.

5. Haley heard the cries of 'You's a Hoooo" last week, and put some clothes back on. But she still let the gams fly just for good measure. She continued to sound like high school Broadway, but her fanbase's energy is so creepily palpable, I feel like I can almost touch it. She won't go too much farther, but the big note at the end will likely keep her in for at least one more ho show, if not more. She's like the Miss America contestant who tripped into the competition long enough to inspire teenage girls who love to see pretty win over anything else so help them God. Because to them, being a beauty queen actually connotes talent, instead of good genes and even better styling. Her eyebrows continue to be too thin, so I'm not even going to give her much love in a pageant, but I feel them I tell you.. those fans, they're serious about keeping her going, as though they're a collective Prince Charming who has vowed to save their fallen princess no matter what the cost. It's all very bizarre so I'm going to change the subject now, cuz frankly, it makes me uncomfortable. Kind of like her perfect legs.

6. Alien Stacey gave his best performance since Week 1, and I was happy for him. He sounded freakishly like Sting, he delivered the song almost perfectly, and he was convincing in terms of "current-ness" for the first time this season. Looks like someone got himself out of the brokedown elevator for a week. Either that, or he sailed around the galaxy listening to Sting's Greatest Hits before touching down. Whatever the case, he finally stopped sucking, and had the best male vocal of the night by MILES (We'll get to SPR's lies in a second). Were it not for a few unwise stylistic choices he made at the end of the song (a corny, miss-hit of a riff at the end of "please" that should not have been there, and some other extra movement here or there), he was truly awesome from start to finish. And I'll just say that if Blake had sung like that (which he wouldn't, ever, because he can't sing like that y'see), the judges would have singlehandedly shut the show down and crowned BeatBoy the winner right there and then. But, because they don't believe they can sell with Stacey the way they can these other weirdos (which is for the most part true, but still annoying in moments like this), they gave him the most underrated marks of the evening for no good reason. Now, I don't like aliens other than ET any more than the next gal, but I would appreciate it if SPR would return to accurate form and quick. Cuz the only thing worse than having to sit through so much mediocrity week after week, is having to see the taste-testers fail to deliver in kind.

7. The Doo was fantastic as always, if not grating in spots when she puts too much "edge" on her vibrato instead of "pretty" when trying to be "edg-y". But really, I'm nitpicking here and we all know it. She is THE standard performer of the year, and I pity those who try to compete with her and aren't named Lakisha. I also highly dug the Farrah flip they gave her. Softened her face up a lot, as did the eye makeup, and from the chin-meets-colarbone up, she looked darn right cute! Go Lindy Loo for being as feminine as you can possibly be. That said, you all had BETTER have my back when the rest of the world starts questioning her humble act more loudly. Because I'm hearing that the likes of Talk Soup and other AIers are starting to echo the battlecry. Damn it, I get no love. Where's my royalty check for all these people starting to say what I said months ago? No one with that much conviction on stage can be that cluelessly unassuming off stage. No one. People. The woman is severely OCD. She told us as much a long time ago! Do you ACTUALLY think she failed to take every single tactic into account when it comes to winning this competition? Every note and jive on stage is as fierce as can be, while every personality pump off stage is as handily handled. She cracks a timely joke whenever Ryan lends her a "let the audience get to know ya" line, and her head sinks back into her turtle shell everytime SPR lauds her. This is not an accident. I repeat: this is not an accident.This is Melinda Doolittle trying to secure victory on all cylinders. Only problem is, the more people start to think that it's forced, the more it'll become apparent that it's forced, and there could be a backlash of "We don't believe you!!! At least Haley doesn't pretend that she's good!!!!" heard from the screaming aisles. Then the phones will ring less frequently for her impossible-to-remember call number, and the strongest contestant on the show will fall by the wayside. You heard it here first.

8. Clearly shaken up by Ryan's beatboxing prowess from last week, Blake did me the favor of not doing it this time around. Problem is, that's the only thing keeping him in this competition, because Lord knows his singing won't. The song lasted roughly 15 years.. but come to think of it, he may still be singing it... jeez, it was silly of me not to double check. Whether he is or not, it was all bad from what I saw, and his arrangement was not "tender" like kiss-assface Rando wanted to make us believe last night. It was lifeless, uninteresting, and I honestly keep thinking he sang that "Who's Your Daddy" song again whenever I try to conjure up the name of this one. It was a Cure song, that I'm sure of, but Blake yawned out another pitchy performance that somehow the judges say they'd like to see again in the finale. Thanks to SPR's jones for this average whiteboy who's all wrong in the face, we'll now be dealing with Blake far far into the future for no really great reason. He's not an eighth as "cool and hip" as they'd like to think, he's holding onto that unique card for dear life because, as it became clear once again this week, he has nothing to offer without the scratching record sound effects, and he bored to tears. And as I roll my eyes in consistent displeasure, the hoards of fans stare psychotically into their cell phones just waiting for the bell to toll so they can shower their adoration over him in 1-866 form. Like I said, he's welcome to produce as many "fresh new" hits as his little heart desires, but last time I checked, this wasn't the search for the next Neptunes.

9. My, my, WHAT a fall from grace, Ms. Sparks! I knew you were going to prove my predictions of such a fall right at some point, but little did I think you'd do it that fast, that extensively. How tragic -- to go from "this girl could pull out a victory" place, to "this girl is the definition of awkward, remove her kindly from my screen thank you". Her ability to sing so well when she goes into high chest voice will keep her in this for a long while, but she showed so many other weak spots last night that I don't know which one to deal with first. No low notes apparently. Not a one. And no sense of song choice, delivery, nor style this week either. She looked downright AWFUL. The top, the skirt, the boots to match the God-awful skirt, the lack of fittedness that came with the ensemble, the pulled back hair that highlighted the wrong angles on le face instead of the right ones. Then there was the song, that just tanked throughout, especially when she decided not to hit even the "Hey Baby"'s midway through. And to top it all off, she returned to her insanely annoying, immature, almost borderline bratty persona, that had taken a lovely rest in preceding weeks. She got so hyper and schitzo with her facial expressions as Ryan announced her call-in number that for a second there, I thought she was miming. Unfortunately, she was just being her annoying self again, which is exactly what prevented me from placing more than a big toe on her train so long ago. I am most definitely not on the train, Jordy. You have to give me what you gave last week, and then repeat it twice more to make up for this week's atrociousness. I mean for God sakes, you could at least try to dress the part. Keep this up, and the back of my hand and your really teethy grin will finally meet.

10. Sigh. Christopher. I'm starting to think that the producers put you last because had you gone anywhere else in line, you would surely be going home tonight by a landslide. I love that you're hot, I really really do, and it's been swell and all, but last night put you on the thinnest ice possible. Staying true to form, SPR was overwhelmingly nicer to you than they could have been, but the problem is you're not Blake, and he's already got their overrated compliments on lock. What that leaves us with is a pretty lackluster effort, that wasn't bad, but wasn't great, and didn't sell the way you needed it to. My bigger worry is that if you gave one of your strongest performances last week and still managed to be in the bottom 2, this week didn't help you stay out of it in the least. I'm praying to the gods of inconsistency that you don't tumble into oblivion just yet, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not expecting it. I disagree with Simon on song choice -- although last week's was obscure, this week's song is so ingrained in people's pop consciousness that giving a brokedown rendition of it only pisses off listeners. I found it almost as boring as Blake's, shoddy as far as vocals go, and wholly "Yo"-less in Randy terms. We'll see how it all plays out tonight, because the results are anyone's guess at this point.

Before I unleash my predictions, I would like to share a few extra goodies with you all. First off, I'm happy to hear about the random readers who are tuning in weekly to read these posts. Who knew pontificating publicly would gather such interest! To shout-out one particular reader, I'd like to pass on this digital gem that Sloan sent my way this past week. If any of you would like to listen to mp3's of contestants past and present throughout your Idol madness, head to this site for more live video recaps than you can handle: http://www.rickey.org/. Thanks!

In addition, I'd like to point out that while I'm happy others are reading my blog, I've been somewhat disconcerted in recent weeks by certain, well, similarities between some of my format and that of other blogs. I won't get into specifics, because that's not what champs do, but I had to vent to someone, so you all are it. K, enough with the cryfest -- here's how I'm calling it tonight. But this results show could go ANY which way if you ask me, so I do this with much more caution than conviction:

Shoulda: Sanjaya Maladie (I'm of the school that thinks if you say it enough times, eventually it'll come true.)

Coulda: Chris Sligh

Wild Card: Chris Richardson ( :'-{ )