Every Doo Has Its Day

Well, for all of you who were wondering, I finally figured out why Jennifer Lopez was asked to come anywhere near a few talented singers this season. For starters, it finally gave JLo a chance to see what talent looks like up close and in person, which, as I'm sure AI's producers were hoping, would then force her to committ suicide for having put us through so many of her own failed attempts at having just that. Second, it would give the less talented like herself any hope of usurping Melinda and Lakisha's stronghold over the top slots. And although I regret to report that JLo still loves herself too much to give us back that wasted oxygen she takes up, she did manage to give the horrible among AI this year a chance at survival - heck, victory even. Mainly because JNo's only gift aside from looking great all the time is worsening everything with which she comes in contact. Hence, we were party to what was, HANDS DOWN, the WORST NIGHT on American Idol, in the history of American Idol. Every one of them up there were parodies of themselves, which by all reasoning shouldn't even be possible given that all AI contestants are already parodying themselves, their musical dreams, and their sense of "accomplishment" by being on the show. Yet, leaving no good thing unturned, Jennifer made former greats look embarrassing, allowing for generally awful singers to shine solely by the laws of relativity. What we were left with was a wholly forgettable night of performances, and an empty space in our souls where great singing should've gone. The injustice of how the tables have turned thanks to JNo's evil hand goes without saying. Thus, there is nothing I can do but review it, and cry. Cry because Sanjaya may be in the finals now, cry because Blake may even win it, and cry because all last night proved was that none of these final contestants have the impermeable lovability of any Idols past... which, in the end will leave us with a winner, but without an inspiration.

And so, I'm going back to kicking rocks in my backyard, as I recall the 8 sucky, lifeless, insulting wastes of our time that took place, in this order:

1. The producers finally put Melinda in the dreaded first slot, and lo and behold, she sucked. As Simon pointed out, everyone was waiting for a day when The Doo wouldn't deliver, but I was beginning to think she'd never let it happen when the cameras were on. I'm happy to be wrong, but I also could've done something much more exciting for those two minutes than sit there and wait for the good part to kick in. Come to think of it, I should probably stop waiting for it, because now I realize it's never going to come when Melinda tries to be sensual and sultry in any way. I'm not sure whether necks are generally a prerequisite for sass, but how else can my fellow sistas say "Oh! Oh NO you didn'!" to any effect without one? And, how else is the wholly unsexy Doo supposed to evoke sexy when the very body part necessary for verve just ain't there? And her What-to-Wear book obviously took a hike upon hearing that JLo was coming to town, because she looked roughly 53 in that outfit and 'do. Nothing was working, nothing was next-level, and nothing was memorable about it in a good way. Now, I'd like to think that Ms. Doolittle is a fan of the blog and therefore was just trying to follow my advice from last week, which suggested she suck a bit in order to use vulnerability to her advantage, but this was not the way to go about it. Y'see, when Jordin doesn't rock all the time, people like it because the sugary imperfection is lovable to those who ride on her train, but Melinda's version of imperfection was stiff, bland, aged, and impersonal. I'm glad to be reminded that in fact no one is perfect, but you'd think that JLo would have at least shown LindyLoo how to stretch weakness as far as it can possibly go. Guess not.

2. Then, in an unexpected turn in sequencing, Ryan announced that Lakisha would be going next. So naturally, I sat there with joy emanating from every pore, having just seen Melinda leave the road to victory wide open for my beloved. Here was the moment I'd been waiting for! Kiki was going to kick her while she was down - and I was going to replay that glorious moment on my DVR until the end of time. Until Kiki came out and was equally as bad as Melinda, equally as forgettable, and equally as wince-inducing. I may never recover from the disappointment, but I just don't understand what came over her to choose such a song. Anyone who's ever sang - showerstages include - knows that that song is not a singer's song, it's a dancer's song, an entertainer's song, an aerobics class's song. If one seeks to impress others as a mediocre vocalist, like Gloria Estefan does so well is so many different ways, then this is a perfect selection. But for actually great singers, it's a joke. And the joke's most certainly on the one singing. Kiki did look great again, even if each of her breasts has its own zip code, but that was it. And when I saw her make her way to the bottom 3 tonight, I ... well... I... *sigh*. I don't want to talk about it. Moving on.

3. Chris was pretty bad again, but we didn't really realize it as much because thankfully M&L Productions failed to produce. He was more fun, he did sing a more contemporary song, and he did open up in the end without overdoing it. But, the majority of it was messy, paling in comparison to the infectious Rob Thomas/Santana original. He should have lured Alien Stacey away from "Maria, Maria" with Reese's pieces because that would've have been a better song for him, but at least he stayed in his safe zone (i.e. uptempo), hoping like he always does that the fun energy of the music itself will obscure his lackluster vocals. And the more I think about it, I don't think he fooled many people this time around; his ass will be lucky if he isn't holding hands with Haley tonight. And we all know where she'll be.

4. Speaking of which, Haley continued to sing like a B-rated off-Broadway ensemble understudy, but her safe zone -- or zones to be more exact -- were still trying to take our eyes off the real matter at hand. I give her credit for choosing the best song she could choose on a night like last night, and for shamelessly trying to win points with JLo by wearing the EXACT same outfit as Ms. Lopez during rehearsal. Although, it must have been depressing to walk in thinking "Man, I can't wait to bond with Jennifer about being considered hot singers!", only to discover that standing next to Jenny heavily underscores how overrated Haley is when it comes to attractiveness. But still, it all amounts to the same question: why is she still here? Dare I say it, I'm more offended by her remaining presence on this show than Sanjaya. I mean, sure, he's an inverse counter-example to all things worth deeming "Idol", so I get the fanaticism. But Haley? She has never once impressed us vocally, she's not even that hot, she has absolutely zero edge, and yet, she stays week after week. Hopefully, if my powers of perception are worth anything, the make-up mishap that occurred on her face last night could finally have sealed the deal once and for all. If you all remember, Gina went home earlier than expected, and I attribute this primarily to not only the power of prayer, but to the power of wearing slutty makeup and too-bright red lipstick in unflattering ways. I will forever contend that Gina's awful makeup last week was her downfall, and I'm hoping that Haley's similarly blinding gestures this week will follow suit.

5. Phil chose the right song for him, in that it was soulful and vocally challenging, but like Chris, he failed to do the original justice or to get any "wow"'s from the crowd on a song that is built for just that. He's still the best male vocalist there, and that's still not much of a compliment, but the awful hat choice, combined with the age-old fact that luck does indeed run out eventually means he very well could be singing that song again for us tonight. I wouldn't miss him that much, but I would feel somewhat bad given that on vocal chops alone, he should be there longer than a lot of these other tools. He may scrape by again tonight, but all he's got left is us wondering when he's finally gonna get the axe, and last time I checked, that's not a great place to be in in a talent show. Not in high school, not in college, not at open mics, and definitely not on American Idol.

6. Jordin was a B/B+ yet again, and also continued her love for bratty miming whenever she stands next to Ryan Seacrest, but she's clearly not going anywhere. But I will tell you where you'll be going if you ever say she looks a lot like me. Straight to hell. That's where. (Note: I have gotten confirmation from everyone who's ever seen a resemblance that she's looks like a less attractive version of me plus 50 or so pounds. Which, I can only barely deal with. But I suggest that if you'd like to draw comparisons to me and this chick, you do it in the privacy of your own head, lest you wanna lose it. I looked like her (less 50 pounds) for like 2 minutes in 8th grade, and I'm pretty damn sure that doesn't count. So even if you think she's really pretty, kindly take that ridiculousness outside.) Oh, and by the way, Jordin is quickly filling up the Kat McPhee spot that I had nursed long and hard last year.. namely, the very talented contestant who does not deserve to win the title due to incredibly streaky, too-often flawed performances. So, even if she does win and everyone's all chummy about it, I won't be that moved (see intro paragraph for more clarification). In fact, I'd likely be depressed until next January when Idol gives me some new options.

7. Blake clearly had the performance of the night, and, in my opinion, his best performance thus far. And, thanks to the fact that everyone else was offensively bad this time around, his winning move probably secured him a seat at the finale, if not the throne itself. Now, don't get me wrong, the thought of Blake actually winning American Idol (as I think of so many contestants past who didn't even get close -- Tamyra Gray, Jennifer Hudson, George Huff, and last but never EVER least, E Double L Yamin) would undoubtedly be the saddest event in US History since 9/11. That said, he did what Kiki should have done, kicking EVERYONE while they were down and running away with it. It was a perfect song choice for him in that it doesn't require much more than singing one central note, he left behind his shitty excuse for talent known as beatboxing, and he wore a hat whose ugliness detracted substantially from his own. Well played, skaterboy. Well played. Heck, he's even going so low as to script himself into more face time by telling JLo to conveniently call him over for a lame drum beat during Haley's rehearsal. Savvy, I tell you. Ever so conveniently savvy. Leave it to the hip-hop producer to make the most out of nothing much at all. Now I see why JLo played along with it, having seen so much of herself in him.

8. And finally, Sanjaya put on his shipwrecked man costume and damn near choked me to death with the nerve of it all. His hair, his "facial hair", his generally weird persona that's really starting to give me the heeby jeebies... what to say anymore? He definitely didn't suck, I'll give him that. Shoot, in parts, he even sounded like a singer. But as I mentioned last week, I'm hoping that he starts to up his vocal game like this with continued speed, because ironic as it may be, the better he gets, the closer he'll come to being eliminated. If he stays awful, the more pity-plus-playing around votes he'll muster. But if he starts trying to be taken seriously as a singer, well, party over. Howard Stern will leave him, whoever made the awesome "Sanjaya is my Papaya" sign will leave him, and his unfathomable fame will leave him too. Here's hoping the boy continues to step it up, so that he can more quietly step down when his time finally comes. Of course, that's my fantasy... the reality is he's got more votes than you'd believe.. so much so that he could veritably win it if the stars align the right way. I don't think God is that mean, but you never know, and Sanjaya still being here is proof enough of that.

So.. bettin's on people! Here's where it all gets murky and mucky. Especially when everyone performs as bad as that. But here I go!

Shoulda: Haley Scarnato
Coulda: Phil Stacey
Wild Card: Chris Richardson