Singing 101: "How To Win It, When Lakisha's In It". -- Dr. Doolitte

So, Tony Bennett's really old. Not too old to win a Grammy, true, but definitely too old to remember being on American Idol last night. I wonder if he's wondering at this very moment who this weird-looking gay guy Ryan Seacrest is, and why he's asking him what he needs for his results show performance tonight. It's gotta be nightmarish, because as scary as waking up to Ryan Seacrest would be, combining that with the faint white light at the corner of all his dreams has just got to be hell. Unfortunately, he was also responsible for one of the snooziest competition weeks on American Idol. But at least I don't have to watch Akon and Gwen pretend to know anything about singing this time around.

So, without further ado, The Nine.

1. Blake sucked once again, and then sat back as SPR simultaneously sucked his ass for nothing special. What can I say? The extent to which this kid is overrated makes me break out into hives and heatrash, after which I'm forced to open my eyes and find a way to somehow deal with his face. He's nothing special, he rarely impresses on vocals alone, he's un-good-looking, shit, he's not even tall, and yet the judges mistake him for Antonella with Melinda's pipes. I just don't understand, and I'm not going to spend more time on it because I've lost enough hair over this kid as it is. All I'll say is that on his personally relative scale that ranges from overrated but interesting to overrated and redefining the term bad, he was closer to the latter than the former. In short, one of his weakest performances thus far on all counts.

2. Once again, Phil channeled well in terms of vocals, but I hope he at least had enough time in the limelight to buy some more expensive luggage for his trip home tonight. He needs blowout performances from here on in to stay in it, having scraped the bottom slot so many times thus far when votes are counted. This time, despite trying to eek out as many little hairs as his baldness will allow, it's too little, too boring, too elevatory, too weird-looking, to extraterrestrial, too late.

3. In the only war that's kept me watching this season, one can only say the obvious after a show like last night's: Melinda is the most seasoned American Idol contestant in the show's history. That said, in a world where Sir Suckalot is still around week after week for no comprehensible reason, the fact that The Doo is the most consistently amazing singer out there doesn't mean she'll win. It would surely be an ironic twist of fate should she happen to cede the throne because she's too good, but it wouldn't be suprising. In fact, her solid work time and time again could be her downfall and here's why. She's started to enter a weird backwards zone, wherein people don't go beserk over her peformances because they're all picture perfect. All of a sudden, the great singer/storyteller has no reality TV story of her own; no capacity to move audiences with greatness because she's never been anything but great. I worry for her in this regard, because it would seem unfair that the strongest contestant be cast aside precisely because she's so strong, but when you sprinkle in a head shrug of disingenuine shock whenever someone compliments her talent for the 2 billionth time, I cease to care all that much. Never in my life did I expect to say this about an AI contestant, but I highly recommend that Melinda show some sign of weakness -- even if that's a totally manufactured cryfest mid-song that prevents her from singing well for 3.6 seconds. It'd be nicer, though, if she just kinda didn't kick a song in the ass so completely even just once -- because while never making a mistake helped Fantasia claim the title years ago, The Doo does not have the natural heart-filling humility, strong personality, or emotional past of her predecessor. Melinda's coming in an overly solid form that electrifies you like a force of nature, but doesn't let you in. A little liquid will go a long way for this powerhouse (tears, sweat, anything... just not pee, pee's never good).. and it will make winning the title Idol easier than, say, beatboxing.

4. Chris (so glad I know longer have to specify your last name - die Sligh, die) did as kickass a job as he can do at this point. He's never going to outmatch the (actually) strong vocalists in the competition, but he looked hot from the fedora down, he displayed cool quite convincingly despite the risky hat choice, and he's keeping his name in the tabloids by supposedly dating former contestant Alaina Alexander. Now, we all know that's really Alaina's last-ditch attempt t keep her name in the tabloids because she knows singing ain't gonna do it, but at least people are talking about him. And as Sanjaya can teach, keeping people talking about you could even get Ryan Seacrest to call you a "legend" in the same sentence as Tony Bennett. He should be okay from elimination, and I give my loverboy kudos for recovering nicely since the bottom 2 slipup of 2 weeks ago, but he could pay a surprise visit to the bottom 3 tonight if enough people have finally decided they're too tired to care. I hope that's not the case, but I have a variety of ways to cheer him up if it comes to that -- Alaina or no Alaina.

5. Jordin sang crystal clearly for the most part, but she still hasn't redeemed herself since slipping so far downhill during last week's debacle of a performance. She's back to her original form, which is the kid who sounds great for the most part, but not for enough of the part to win it on merit alone. She's lucky she's young and cute, she'll be here till just about the very end, and her curly hair finally looked right last night. All fine and good. But her bratass persona still pokes out when you need to see it least (i.e. ever) and it's going to hurt her as long as she decides not to sing fantastically from start to finish. Oh, and in case no one else has said it yet aside from my post last week, she has absolutely ZERO low notes. So, someone should tell her to avoid them at all costs, instead of trying oh-so-hard to hit just one of them to prove to herself and us that she can, damnit, she can!! Answer: you can't. So stop crapping over your own strengths by over-showcasing your constant weaknesses. And I'll just repeat what those weaknesses are not only for emphasis but in hopes that perhaps the karma gods will usher them to your little ear one day: 1) you's a brat, shut the hell up, stop miming and just stand there why don't ya; and 2) low notes are not your friend -- in fact they hate you almost as much as I hate hearing you try to connect with them to no avail.

6. Gina, I don't know why people keep saying your performance was "understated" and mean it in a good way. Perhaps because they're still reeling from your efforts last week to do your very very not-good-enough best. That's fine for them. But here, in the blog of reality, I will tell you the truth. You breathed new life into the word boring, you were average from start to finish, and despite being quite the simpleton, you didn't even command a simple rendition of a pretty simple song at any point. That said, you do have one very clear strength: the ability to use makeup and styling to such disadvantage that I almost want to take notes because I've never seen anything like it before. You looked downright HEINOUS last night. And this wasn't a styling issue alone; this was your face, your hair, it was all just covered in wrong. Smothered in it. And I'm hoping that they put your ass in the bottom 3 for the first time solely because those dipshits who vote for you each week were too blinded by the sight of you to dial your number correctly. This is my hope and my prayer. Now don't go bragging about this to your tranny friends, but your dismissal is my reason for living.

7. Hmm...so it looks like Miami Vice met up for drinks with Carol Brady last night, and things got a little messy. No... a lot messy. And all of a sudden a freakish mutant child was birthed out of the fray, only to now be known as Sanjaya. The undeniably worst part of it all, however, was that he didn't completely and utterly suck, which is what we need if any of these Indians are going to let up. Although on the other hand, if he ups his vocal game just a bit more to below average, perhaps Howard Stern will stop trying to make a farce of the show by using him as the posterchild for talentless America. There was a two-way tie for best part of the performance -- one of which was the end, of course; the other being Simon's comments. Brilliant move for a hopeless man who can see no other way to rid us of this beast. As an equally hopeless woman with hearing ability, I'd like to join the Cowell call and say only this: Sanjaya was fucking AMAZING, wasn't he?!?!? I mean, who knew this kid had that in him after all this time and all that flack? I'm so moved I may even vote for him next week.. cuz obviously he'll be here next week because he so deserves it! Whew!! What rhymes with FAN!??? Duh --- Me!!

(K, I'm gonna go projectile puke on myself now... but I'll be back in a minute to finish this up.)



...So, where were we? Ah yes.
8. Haley didn't look good in that color green by the way, and if there was any doubt, let's just say she got the fashion compliment from Captain Paula Abdul. But the gams were blowin in the wind, the boobs weren't far behind, and she really left nothing else to the imagination except a kind world where she sounds great. She sang something, who knows what or why, but she did cuz those are the rules and I suppose she ought to in order to keep the producers happy. Personally, I'd be happier if she just stood there. Preferrably with no lights on. Sigh, oh well. Unlike the other horrible beings, however, I don't have anything against Haley. I think I got on her pep train a bit when Simon burned a cigarette onto her soul by saying he didn't even know her name. The fact that she's still here is a nice sock in the crotch, and unlike Gina, she doesn't look like mud, so hey, I'm neutral. She's welcome to stay a week or two more, she's welcome to go, but the bottom three is surely hers to keep this week.

9. Lakisha stumbled a bit in the first third of her performance, but it's negligible when looking at the performance as a whole, which, per usual, was kind of like awesome. She slipped to number two in the Chocolate War of 2007, but that's exactly what's keeping this so entertaining from start to finish. Whatever she didn't do perfectly out of the gate last night, she made up for in the latter stages, and proved once again why on vocals alone, she is the queen to beat. But The Doo has the package deal right now when it comes to stageowning, so it's an uphill battle for Kiki until next week. Now, I know my woman will come correct when the bell tolls, but I do wish she had chosen a stronger song that would have allowed her to open up a lot more. For the most part, she stayed low and in control, which is fine but not life-changing like her up high and in control can be. And if she's going to take the baton back from LindyLoo, it has to be with rich, soaring vocals that only Kiki can master. After tonight, we take that turn into Seriousville, where every decision one makes is the difference between staying and going...and no decision will be more important than song choice. Her competitor has that art down pat, so it's locker room and chalkboard time for Kiki & Co. Somehow, I'm confident the cosmic x's and o's will tie together beautifully for her, no matter what the result.

So, who's packin up? I'm still dusting my shoulder off from the past 2 weeks' predictions, so excuse me if I'm a little occupied when making this week's guesses:

Shoulda (but won't): SanDIEya -- 'cuz he shouldn't even be here to begin with
Coulda (most likely): Phil Stacey
WildCard: Haley Scarnato