Good news everyone! I'm going to be OKAY. I feared that I'd have to slip a coworker a 20 to get them to type out this week's post as I dictated it while pacing, but alas, crisis AVERTED. My eye doctor says I'm going to be just fine, and that the blindness I experienced after being attacked by a ponyhawk around 8:45pm last night is only temporary. By the grace of God, I have returned to the land of the seeing, and I'm more than confident that the land of the hearing is not far off. But I'll be patient; I know experiencing that much sonic damage in one sitting is quite an undertaking, and far be it from me to be greedy when my personal health is on the line.
Before we get to this week's utter insanity, I'd like to hold a short moment of silence for Stephanie Edwards' departure. Not because I even miss her all that much, or because she clearly should have stayed long after most of these other fools sail away into Hades (and that had better be where they're going, because the losers' eternally damned gondola ride on the River Styx is one of the main reasons I watch this show). No, not for any of those silly reasons. Rather, I'm holding it for my brilliant prediction tactics thus far. Wouldn't you? And look! I even saved some extra room on my back for you to pat it if you'd like. Go on, I don't bite. Thaaaat's it. Okay, you can raise your heads back up and return to less important matters at hand. While you're at it, I'll cozy back up in the Temple of the Right and Wholly Unsurprised.
I'd also like to give a shout-out to Lulu and Peter Noone, who proved last week that even bad teeth can't prevent English entertainers from aging more gracefully than shrivelly Americana. Both Brit stars retained much of their performance verve, hitting all their notes, smiling and engaging audience members throughout, and making it quite clear why they ever enjoyed success as pop stars. I would say the same for Ms. Ross of a few weeks ago, but I can't. And because I can't, we move swiftly on. Oh! Except to say that Lulu looked friggin' fantastic and sang even better. To Lu with Love, we salute you.
So, now that the world has veritably forgotten Stephanie and her talent, and now that I've kicked enough rocks in my backyard to accept the injustice that pervades this ridiculously amateur and unsavory industry, I can return to this week's performances. Aside from our visit to the zoo courtesy of Sanjaya (someone should really tell the boy that donning dead animals atop one's head is dangerously unsanitary), another central theme to this week's breakdown will be SPR's outrageously off calls in most parts, which took the form of blowing smoke up several undeserving asses, and jointly urinating on more appealing efforts. I hate them when they lift their hind legs to do a onesy on those who shined brightest just because they don't think they can make as much money off them. I really do. And just for that, I've decided NOT to clean up after them when they decide to take their twosies in equally improper places from here on in. And so, I give you the few who were great, the many who were average, and Chris Sligh.
1. Lakisha was arguably the best vocal of the night, but no one will remember that because they put her first. And I guess I kept wondering last week when they were going to put one of the power divas first to give other people a fighting chance of survival, but I still didn't appreciate it. Good thing she made the most of it as only she can -- I don't know if you remember, but I do: every single note was on, her voice soared in all the right places, she controlled from start to finish, she sang it three times better than Donna Summer on a good day, and she looked fantastic on top of it. If they had put that same exact performance last, she would have stolen the night again; but, feeling bad for Melinda's less than perfect performance from last week, the producers gave The Doo the edge in terms of product placement. I'm okay with it, because Kiki still gripped it, snipped it, and ripped it, but I would appreciate more love from both the Wizard of AI and SPR next time around. They gave her love as she deserved, but then had the AUDACITY to tell GINA DIE-YESTERDAY-I-HATE-YOU-WHY-MUST-YOU-LIVE-IN-MY-LIFETIME GLOCKSEN that she had the best vocal of the night by that time. I'm so mad I'm about to go blind again, so I just have to move on and say Kiki returned to pristine vocal form and we've decided on a Spring wedding.
2. Then Chris Sligh continued his anti-rhythmic rampage with such consistency and assuredness that I'm starting to think he's trying to make it his trademark. Now, when I point out that he has no ability whatsoever to find musical pocket even if it came in the form of chocolate cake, no one votes him off. But hopefully now that Gwen Stefani and her kiss-ass judges have finally followed suit, maybe Dracula will meet his maker. I mean, every aspect of his performance was horror personified, the song choice that made him as amateur as he's ever sounded, the notes that didn't happen, the swaying out of time to match his vocal gymnastics (of course, these representing the gymnast who was told soon after practice that maybe he should try chess instead), the continued ugliness that now boasts a small hair patch on the lower half of what I think is his face, the unconvincing mic stand carrying that he just won't give up on... EVERYTHING about it. And as if that wasn't enough, he went on to tell us that the "musical theory" of this song is so "complicated" that, y'know, in his musical expertise, the chorus never comes in on the downbeat. Hm. I see your point, except that the chorus in this song always comes in on the downbeat. But thanks for playing! Jesus H. I hate this kid; and I'm happy to say I have since the beginning. I'm glad to see other viewers finally starting to pack up my pew in the Temple (you know which one), but this kid was the worst of the night if you ask me. Seeing as how I don't consider Sanjaya a singer makes it easier to exclude him from this particular call. And if there really is a Buffy, this bloodsucker is a goner by night's end.
3. Now, Gina did give her best performance thus far. Yet, given that most of her performances inspire a homicidal rage in me that I didn't even know I had, that's not saying much. She did pace it perfectly, she did rely on audience applause midway to cover up the fact that she didn't really hit the low notes like truly gifted singers would, and she did wear some pretty slick boots. But that's about it. I'm just mad that she likely bought herself a solid 3 more weeks before the Underworld comes a-knockin' with that effort. Even in her best showing, however, she continues to be annoyingly shouty, which I really don't appreciate. Oh well, one day soon, the sun will shine again. For now, she'll continue to be the wasted space that no one gives an 1-ply asswipe about.
4. He Who Shall Usher in the End of the World did one thing right last night: he chose 7 ponies to place in his Hawk of Suck instead of just one large mass. Cuz he's gonna need all the luck he can muster not to get sliced into a thousand bits and fried up by a street vendor who's looking to cash in on Sanjaya's inexplicable fame by making him edible for the masses. I mean really, how does the kid sleep at night? Especially now, because I'm sure that 'do gave him some kind of a headache. Word on the street is he's depressed behind the scenes... ha! As though that's supposed to be surprising? If the vendor doesn't get to him first, the 10-story ledge will. I give it about 5 years before he comes into his own (as a post-pubescent dude, not as a performer obviously), looks back on these old tapes in an unlit basement, and leaves those he loves small pieces of his hula skirt before he dives. I want to feel bad for him, but his hair got in my way once again... and I don't take pity on someone who tries to take my eyes. You wanna play dirty, Sucktown? Fine. Dirty it is. You sang worse than you looked, you represent all that is bad about pop music today, and a parade is being planned in your honor for the morning after you are trap door-ed from American Idol. And I know it's a longshot, but I'm praying to Vishnu that your Indian supporters turn away in disgust after this hairstyle debacle, thereby ending your ride on this train forevermore. A longshot, I know. But karma is real, especially the Hindu kind, so I figured I'd put it out there.
5. Haley heard the cries of 'You's a Hoooo" last week, and put some clothes back on. But she still let the gams fly just for good measure. She continued to sound like high school Broadway, but her fanbase's energy is so creepily palpable, I feel like I can almost touch it. She won't go too much farther, but the big note at the end will likely keep her in for at least one more ho show, if not more. She's like the Miss America contestant who tripped into the competition long enough to inspire teenage girls who love to see pretty win over anything else so help them God. Because to them, being a beauty queen actually connotes talent, instead of good genes and even better styling. Her eyebrows continue to be too thin, so I'm not even going to give her much love in a pageant, but I feel them I tell you.. those fans, they're serious about keeping her going, as though they're a collective Prince Charming who has vowed to save their fallen princess no matter what the cost. It's all very bizarre so I'm going to change the subject now, cuz frankly, it makes me uncomfortable. Kind of like her perfect legs.
6. Alien Stacey gave his best performance since Week 1, and I was happy for him. He sounded freakishly like Sting, he delivered the song almost perfectly, and he was convincing in terms of "current-ness" for the first time this season. Looks like someone got himself out of the brokedown elevator for a week. Either that, or he sailed around the galaxy listening to Sting's Greatest Hits before touching down. Whatever the case, he finally stopped sucking, and had the best male vocal of the night by MILES (We'll get to SPR's lies in a second). Were it not for a few unwise stylistic choices he made at the end of the song (a corny, miss-hit of a riff at the end of "please" that should not have been there, and some other extra movement here or there), he was truly awesome from start to finish. And I'll just say that if Blake had sung like that (which he wouldn't, ever, because he can't sing like that y'see), the judges would have singlehandedly shut the show down and crowned BeatBoy the winner right there and then. But, because they don't believe they can sell with Stacey the way they can these other weirdos (which is for the most part true, but still annoying in moments like this), they gave him the most underrated marks of the evening for no good reason. Now, I don't like aliens other than ET any more than the next gal, but I would appreciate it if SPR would return to accurate form and quick. Cuz the only thing worse than having to sit through so much mediocrity week after week, is having to see the taste-testers fail to deliver in kind.
7. The Doo was fantastic as always, if not grating in spots when she puts too much "edge" on her vibrato instead of "pretty" when trying to be "edg-y". But really, I'm nitpicking here and we all know it. She is THE standard performer of the year, and I pity those who try to compete with her and aren't named Lakisha. I also highly dug the Farrah flip they gave her. Softened her face up a lot, as did the eye makeup, and from the chin-meets-colarbone up, she looked darn right cute! Go Lindy Loo for being as feminine as you can possibly be. That said, you all had BETTER have my back when the rest of the world starts questioning her humble act more loudly. Because I'm hearing that the likes of Talk Soup and other AIers are starting to echo the battlecry. Damn it, I get no love. Where's my royalty check for all these people starting to say what I said months ago? No one with that much conviction on stage can be that cluelessly unassuming off stage. No one. People. The woman is severely OCD. She told us as much a long time ago! Do you ACTUALLY think she failed to take every single tactic into account when it comes to winning this competition? Every note and jive on stage is as fierce as can be, while every personality pump off stage is as handily handled. She cracks a timely joke whenever Ryan lends her a "let the audience get to know ya" line, and her head sinks back into her turtle shell everytime SPR lauds her. This is not an accident. I repeat: this is not an accident.This is Melinda Doolittle trying to secure victory on all cylinders. Only problem is, the more people start to think that it's forced, the more it'll become apparent that it's forced, and there could be a backlash of "We don't believe you!!! At least Haley doesn't pretend that she's good!!!!" heard from the screaming aisles. Then the phones will ring less frequently for her impossible-to-remember call number, and the strongest contestant on the show will fall by the wayside. You heard it here first.
8. Clearly shaken up by Ryan's beatboxing prowess from last week, Blake did me the favor of not doing it this time around. Problem is, that's the only thing keeping him in this competition, because Lord knows his singing won't. The song lasted roughly 15 years.. but come to think of it, he may still be singing it... jeez, it was silly of me not to double check. Whether he is or not, it was all bad from what I saw, and his arrangement was not "tender" like kiss-assface Rando wanted to make us believe last night. It was lifeless, uninteresting, and I honestly keep thinking he sang that "Who's Your Daddy" song again whenever I try to conjure up the name of this one. It was a Cure song, that I'm sure of, but Blake yawned out another pitchy performance that somehow the judges say they'd like to see again in the finale. Thanks to SPR's jones for this average whiteboy who's all wrong in the face, we'll now be dealing with Blake far far into the future for no really great reason. He's not an eighth as "cool and hip" as they'd like to think, he's holding onto that unique card for dear life because, as it became clear once again this week, he has nothing to offer without the scratching record sound effects, and he bored to tears. And as I roll my eyes in consistent displeasure, the hoards of fans stare psychotically into their cell phones just waiting for the bell to toll so they can shower their adoration over him in 1-866 form. Like I said, he's welcome to produce as many "fresh new" hits as his little heart desires, but last time I checked, this wasn't the search for the next Neptunes.
9. My, my, WHAT a fall from grace, Ms. Sparks! I knew you were going to prove my predictions of such a fall right at some point, but little did I think you'd do it that fast, that extensively. How tragic -- to go from "this girl could pull out a victory" place, to "this girl is the definition of awkward, remove her kindly from my screen thank you". Her ability to sing so well when she goes into high chest voice will keep her in this for a long while, but she showed so many other weak spots last night that I don't know which one to deal with first. No low notes apparently. Not a one. And no sense of song choice, delivery, nor style this week either. She looked downright AWFUL. The top, the skirt, the boots to match the God-awful skirt, the lack of fittedness that came with the ensemble, the pulled back hair that highlighted the wrong angles on le face instead of the right ones. Then there was the song, that just tanked throughout, especially when she decided not to hit even the "Hey Baby"'s midway through. And to top it all off, she returned to her insanely annoying, immature, almost borderline bratty persona, that had taken a lovely rest in preceding weeks. She got so hyper and schitzo with her facial expressions as Ryan announced her call-in number that for a second there, I thought she was miming. Unfortunately, she was just being her annoying self again, which is exactly what prevented me from placing more than a big toe on her train so long ago. I am most definitely not on the train, Jordy. You have to give me what you gave last week, and then repeat it twice more to make up for this week's atrociousness. I mean for God sakes, you could at least try to dress the part. Keep this up, and the back of my hand and your really teethy grin will finally meet.
10. Sigh. Christopher. I'm starting to think that the producers put you last because had you gone anywhere else in line, you would surely be going home tonight by a landslide. I love that you're hot, I really really do, and it's been swell and all, but last night put you on the thinnest ice possible. Staying true to form, SPR was overwhelmingly nicer to you than they could have been, but the problem is you're not Blake, and he's already got their overrated compliments on lock. What that leaves us with is a pretty lackluster effort, that wasn't bad, but wasn't great, and didn't sell the way you needed it to. My bigger worry is that if you gave one of your strongest performances last week and still managed to be in the bottom 2, this week didn't help you stay out of it in the least. I'm praying to the gods of inconsistency that you don't tumble into oblivion just yet, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not expecting it. I disagree with Simon on song choice -- although last week's was obscure, this week's song is so ingrained in people's pop consciousness that giving a brokedown rendition of it only pisses off listeners. I found it almost as boring as Blake's, shoddy as far as vocals go, and wholly "Yo"-less in Randy terms. We'll see how it all plays out tonight, because the results are anyone's guess at this point.
Before I unleash my predictions, I would like to share a few extra goodies with you all. First off, I'm happy to hear about the random readers who are tuning in weekly to read these posts. Who knew pontificating publicly would gather such interest! To shout-out one particular reader, I'd like to pass on this digital gem that Sloan sent my way this past week. If any of you would like to listen to mp3's of contestants past and present throughout your Idol madness, head to this site for more live video recaps than you can handle: http://www.rickey.org/. Thanks!
In addition, I'd like to point out that while I'm happy others are reading my blog, I've been somewhat disconcerted in recent weeks by certain, well, similarities between some of my format and that of other blogs. I won't get into specifics, because that's not what champs do, but I had to vent to someone, so you all are it. K, enough with the cryfest -- here's how I'm calling it tonight. But this results show could go ANY which way if you ask me, so I do this with much more caution than conviction:
Shoulda: Sanjaya Maladie (I'm of the school that thinks if you say it enough times, eventually it'll come true.)
Coulda: Chris Sligh
Wild Card: Chris Richardson ( :'-{ )
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Sparks Fly!
Was it just me, or did the past 6 days of not having Idol on my tv screen feel like 15 years? Man, this show is better than coke. And if any of you can actually attest to how good coke can feel, lemme know and I'll feel better about making that judgment call. But really, if I had to put my last $.04 on it, I'd say there's nothing better than the niche Fox has carved out for all of America to curl up in, 2 nights a week. Whether it's bad (Return of the Sanjay(a) IV) or good (a new Jordin becomes MVP), it's all worth the wait. Kudos to the producers for making the set feel like a worn-in couch, especially when they trip out of commercial breaks back into Simon's ass in our faces as he sits on his table playing patty-cake with RyRy. Trust, if all goes according to plan, I'll be sitting on Rando's lap braiding Paula's extensions into cornrows in no time. I mean, rarely do I flatter myself.. but you know there's no other guest judge who'd drag Sanjaya off the stage by the perm mid-performance and sit on his head for the remainder of the show with as much steadfast conviction as me. Mmmm just thinking of it makes me tingly.
But, lemme get back to the real issue at hand, which is, of course, the fact that little Ms. Jordin finally made this a competition for the ages. And I don't mean that in a glorifying way, although that would be sweet of me given that AI really doesn't matter more than Joss Stone's new hair color; rather, it literally became a race where age and appeal will go hand in hand down the home stretch this season. While no one has the professional polish of Kiki and The Doo (or the chops, really), Jordin's flawless performance last night opened the floodgates for the Anti30. While the Queens to Beat hover around 28 and 29, the Teen to Beat may gather the votes that appreciate youth in its blossoming stages over the full-fledged woman. She's cuter, she's pop-ier, and she's not afraid to show her weak spots, which, as long as you shine more than you suck, America loves bar none. The problem may come when Jordy slips again on a song (yes, when)... make no mistake about it, the big mamas are going to capitalize just as much as Ms. J did last night. It was as though Lakisha and LindyLoo were tired of holding the bar up so high for so long all on their own that they decided after playing another 'round of texas hold 'em not to be the best of the bunch this time. I can see it now...
L: "Hey NoNeck, finish my cigar.. I gotta go put some million-dollar bling on for this song."
M: "Aight, but give it a rest this week, would ya? Frizz-face is tryin' to be the black Kat McPhee and I wanna see how far she can take it."
[The two smile, wink, and tap cigars with a chuckle as Kiki takes off for Bondville, stage right]
It's true -- both Lakisha and Melinda still rocked, but something about their somewhat imperfect performances suggested a tag team of sorts. They gave it a rest alright, and Jordy milked it for all it was worth. As I've said before, you can't knock the hustle. Get yours, deary -- come showdown, you may very well knock one of the Towering Twosome out of this thing before the final hour. And if you sing like you did last night, I won't be mad at ya.
Other people sang some stuff too, and an alien chimed in midway, so I guess I have to discuss their performances as well. I mean, c'mon, it's not everyday we get to see extraterrestrial life this up close and in person.
1. Haley Scarnato pulled her last trick out of the coin purse (saying she has a whole bag is really.. quite...oh, how should I say....false) by getting nekkid for the cameras. She knows the vocals won't help her, but man, those gams should keep her around for another week at the least. She did manage to escape skankville by a few yards, for which I commend her, but the fact that I remember her Daisy Dukes more than her song suggests something was perhaps, oh, how should I say... imbalanced with her efforts last night. It's okay though, it's all she's got left in her holster and at least this time around she remembered all 2 words to "Tell Him". The way I see it, her legs will keep her in for one more 'round of suck -- last week, she stayed safe with the pity vote; this week it'll be the "Haley's BACK yo!" comment from The [astoundingly incorrect] Rand. Thanks Randy. Thanks a lot. But at least that may help get a lost Indian boy back to his native land sooner than later. With my luck, though, likely not.
2. Chris Richardson finally figured out that choosing a ballad to sing is only half the battle -- one must also sing it well to have it leave a mark. While he failed miserably at that the first go 'round 2 weeks ago, he passed with flying colors this time and should be able to sit back sippin' Nestea as he sails through the next few. It should come as no surprise to you that I'm proud of my lover... as predicted last week, he slowed it down a billion notches and sang well from start to finish. Sure, it's not crystal clean everytime he tries one more run (just in case you missed the other 20 he just did), but he sells it, and as long as he looks at the camera the way he did when he finished, I don't care if he just stands there shooting snotrockets at the crowd from here on in. For the first time, he made us believe in his star quality in every regard -- instead of suggesting in spots where he may have a modicum of potential star quality to mold into future commercial appeal. Well done ChrissyPoo! The acoustic rendition was a great call, and I thoroughly enjoyed your hot hot self with both eyes and ears once and for all.
3. So, remember that time 7 days ago when I said don't be surprised if Stephanie goes home? Yeah, basically read that blog post and switch up the song choice. Nothing new here other than the fact that she's for some reason less cute to me than she was 4 weeks ago, and the fact that she's become about as interesting personality-wise as wallpaper. And lemme tell ya, I had lunch with some in my bathroom last week and wallpaper isn't as much fun as you'd think. I would tell her to step up her game, but that would require her to have personality game to step up. She seems like a sweet girl, and she can sing whenever she's not trying to figure out which car she should use to stick Beyonce in the trunk as they hightail it to Mexico never to be found again. It's weird how much I've cooled off on her over the course of 4 weeks. It's like the standard dating curve in Manhattan. Oh well. At least I didn't put her in my "5" before things went sour.
4. K. So. How do I handle this with care? There's likely no way to, given that Blake is such a controversial topic of conversation by the watercooler. So, here I go, speaking freely about what I really think about Blake. Once again, the hip hop producer pulls out another London club scene hit, which, if I were to ever be drunk at a London club, I would likely appreciate, because it'd at least give me an opportunity to say "Who's your Daddy?" and still seem cool for 3 and a half minutes. That said, this boy's ONLY appeal is his commercial vibe. Sure, he makes hip remixes to oldies but goodies, but where's the vocalist at? He's like the trapeze artists flying around at Barnum & Bailey's.. they're entertaining in that they're doing things you'd never think to do, and doing them all so fast that you can't help but ooh and ah. The problem is, someone hasn't told the rest of America that beatboxing isn't hard. And although I never thought I'd say this, Ryan Seacrest became my new choice for President of the Free World when he chose to prove that small but oh-so-important fact to the viewers. Standing beside our dear Skaterboy, Ryan showed why he should never, ever, ever sing anything (ever), but, he also showed seconds later that even Ryan Seacrest can beatbox with ease. And if Ryan Seacrest can do anything with ease, it's gotta be as easy as peeing. I don't dislike Blake - he at least has the "What is he gonna do this week?" factor (which is not to be confused with the ever-elusive "Yo Factor" mind you), but if all he's doing to get the "unique" vote is spit and move his tongue around at the beginning, middle, and end of each song, I really want no part of it. Produce that hit album, by all means! But don't come in here and try to make me think you're a gifted vocalist. On a show that's geared towards finding gifted vocalists. Don't do it. It'll get ugly, and I'll remind you why you didn't even need that tongue to live a full and meaningful life anyway.
5. As aforementioned, Lakisha was certainly not as good as last week. Luckily, she was numero uno last time around, and couldn't have a "bad" day even if I told her she could keep those diamonds. I thought the judges were a bit hard on her only inasmuch as they forgot to mention that she still slapped that song silly vocally, hitting the big notes like no one else on the show can. But, the arrangement overpowered her (which I didn't think was possible, but hey, you learn something new everyday), as did the dancing disco lights which could have easily lit up most of the 3rd world. Yet, what would have handily terminated any other vocalist only bruised her when all was sung and done, and she should be winning back those chips she lost to The Doo last night as we speak. As crazy as little Lulu was, I do believe Kiki should have sung the other song suggested, but the fact that she could still make "Diamonds are Forever" soar in spots is a testament to her abilities. It's okay, I'm going to pick her brain over pedicures later on this week and will be sure to clear matters up before next Tuesday.
6. Phil sang better than he has in a while, but nothing in the known world can prevent him from sounding unoriginal, uninspiring, and altogether unwinning. I feel for the guy too, because he does have pretty serious vocal chops, but they get lost in the excessive skin exposure, the boring song choices, the elevator tones, and the space just above ugly that he occupies. To whatever extent him being in the bottom three may have been a surprise last week, it won't be this week, nor would his exit stage left in about 6 hours. And as Simon properly noted last night, there's nothing more to say really. He sounds the way he sounds, he looks the way he looks, and he's just not gonna go anywhere good in terms of this show. Eh, no hair off my head.
7. Jordin did everything she had to do to make the finale even a possibility for her, and that's sing her ass off like nobody's business. She's still a little stiff when it comes to stage presence, but she has a Kelly Clarkson quality about her - the kind of stand there and look a little scared but sing like the wind when it counts type thing (she also just sounds like her sometimes). While in previous weeks she's shown more lack than luster, Jordin finally showed control... a key component to vocal greatness that had eluded her up until that point. She shined, she was moving, the song choice could not have been better, and she belied her 17 years in presence. Now I can see her making this a 3-way competition, whereas Randy and I were about to go gut to gut with that one before now. I'm proud of her, if not quite a full-on fan yet. If she pulls out the stops one more time, I'll hop on the train, but no matter what she does, she ain't gettin' a seat at the poker table -- she's underage anyway.
8. Why is Sanjaya here? Why are people talking about him being good last night? Why does him choosing a song that requires one merely to screech a lot qualify him as a singer? Why doesn't the toothfairy really exist? These questions and more all continue to haunt me with each passing day. And the answers seem as elusive as Sanjaya's appeal on any level. The fact that he's still in this thing is a travesty beyond measure. The fact that he will likely stay one mo'gin is a national state of emergency. The fact that I had to undergo both his wretchedness and that white girl's pathological cryfest simultaneously is something that can never be corrected nor forgiven. I hate him, but I quickly learned I hated her nightmarish face more, and haven't eaten since. My soul felt cold and empty, and the world went dark. Where is the justice? Where is the hope for humankind? Won't somebody bring an end to this madness? Sadly, I doubt it's going to happen this week, so I'm grabbing all the sad jazz I can find to wallow in misery for another 8 days. Anyone up for a cold walk in the rain with no shoes? If so, I'm yours.
9. Gina continues to be so random, so useless, so poser I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. The haircut was edgy, just like we're supposed to think she is, but the performance was just north of God-awful from start to finish. I wonder if Chris Daughtry is offended by her being the resident rocker this season, as though anything about Gina Glocksen connotes genuine rock artistry in any regard. In addition to her face, I also hate how every single time Gina finishes a performance, she thanks the audience as though they're clapping for what she just sang, when everyone knows they're clapping because it's over. Gina - YOU SUCK, not really as much as a vocalist as much as a person entirely. You're whole thing just bothers me to no end and I can't stand the fact that we have to call you a rocker in order to remind coworkers who you are. I don't know when you're going to leave, but it won't be soon enough. (On the non sequitor tip: has anyone else noticed how much she evokes Callie O'Malley from Grey's Anatomy? Strip the rocker bullsh away and put her in some scrubs, and I swear they could be sisters. Except that Callie rocks, and Gina doesn't. Ha. The irony.)
10. Chris Sligh tried to hide his ugliness by standing in a crowd of people, but it didn't last long. Soon enough, he was throwing his fugly for all to see, standing where Hottie McHotterston of the same first name stood just a week ago. And to make matters worse, he continues to have absolutely no sense of rhythm and almost poked Simon's eye out with the mic stand. Dear Dracula, I feel it is high time you learned a new word: P-O-C-K-E-T. No, no, not the pocket you use to stash extra donuts in backstage; the pocket known as singing within rhythm to make a song pleasant to listeners. Until you come to learn and love this great term, you will forever suck at every chorus you try to sing, because you couldn't find the 1, or the 2, or the 3, or even the 4 if your fro depended on it. And until that grand day when you wake up and realize that music and singing are entirely based on rhythm, we will forever have to hear you shit all over yourself week after week. The only thing going for you is the fact that you can hit roughly 2 notes strongly in your chest voice. Other than that, you have no high notes, no low notes (which at least Alien Stacey can brag about), no ability to keep time, and consequently no ability to maintain whatever appeal people said you have. I never liked you, but at least this way I can teach your no-talent ass clown ass a lesson while you go. And if, so help me God, you ever yell "Fro Patrol!" one more time and try to use it to your advantage, I will ride Stallion Taylor into your ghoulish cave and drive a stake through your heart as you sleep peacefully upside down. So help me I will.
11. The Doo was pretty perfect yet again, but it was by far her least moving performance to date. She can sing, there's no question about it, but she was a bit shaky in the early stages (as Simon pointed out), and really just didn't leave us wowed, warm and fuzzy as per usual. But we all know this had to do with her agreement with Fox and Kiki to help keep ratings up all the way through the finale, thereby taking a break to let Jordin steal the night. She does have to watch out though, Lakisha has more overall pop appeal than LindyLoo, so an off night can put her somewhat at risk against her main competition. All good though, she's still top notch, and is the resident seasoned pro who shows us the difference between mediocrity (i.e. all mainstream pop music with few exceptions) and the real musical deal. And that color looked great on her. Point, Doolittle Style Team OCD Extraordinaires and the Little What-to-Wear Book That Could.
Soooooooo.... after all that, it's time to bid adieu to someone more deserving than Sanjaya. Here are my selections for "shoulda", "coulda", and "wild card" heaven:
Shoulda: Sanjaya Don'tGoFar
Coulda: Phil Stacey
Wild Card: Stephanie Edwards
But, lemme get back to the real issue at hand, which is, of course, the fact that little Ms. Jordin finally made this a competition for the ages. And I don't mean that in a glorifying way, although that would be sweet of me given that AI really doesn't matter more than Joss Stone's new hair color; rather, it literally became a race where age and appeal will go hand in hand down the home stretch this season. While no one has the professional polish of Kiki and The Doo (or the chops, really), Jordin's flawless performance last night opened the floodgates for the Anti30. While the Queens to Beat hover around 28 and 29, the Teen to Beat may gather the votes that appreciate youth in its blossoming stages over the full-fledged woman. She's cuter, she's pop-ier, and she's not afraid to show her weak spots, which, as long as you shine more than you suck, America loves bar none. The problem may come when Jordy slips again on a song (yes, when)... make no mistake about it, the big mamas are going to capitalize just as much as Ms. J did last night. It was as though Lakisha and LindyLoo were tired of holding the bar up so high for so long all on their own that they decided after playing another 'round of texas hold 'em not to be the best of the bunch this time. I can see it now...
L: "Hey NoNeck, finish my cigar.. I gotta go put some million-dollar bling on for this song."
M: "Aight, but give it a rest this week, would ya? Frizz-face is tryin' to be the black Kat McPhee and I wanna see how far she can take it."
[The two smile, wink, and tap cigars with a chuckle as Kiki takes off for Bondville, stage right]
It's true -- both Lakisha and Melinda still rocked, but something about their somewhat imperfect performances suggested a tag team of sorts. They gave it a rest alright, and Jordy milked it for all it was worth. As I've said before, you can't knock the hustle. Get yours, deary -- come showdown, you may very well knock one of the Towering Twosome out of this thing before the final hour. And if you sing like you did last night, I won't be mad at ya.
Other people sang some stuff too, and an alien chimed in midway, so I guess I have to discuss their performances as well. I mean, c'mon, it's not everyday we get to see extraterrestrial life this up close and in person.
1. Haley Scarnato pulled her last trick out of the coin purse (saying she has a whole bag is really.. quite...oh, how should I say....false) by getting nekkid for the cameras. She knows the vocals won't help her, but man, those gams should keep her around for another week at the least. She did manage to escape skankville by a few yards, for which I commend her, but the fact that I remember her Daisy Dukes more than her song suggests something was perhaps, oh, how should I say... imbalanced with her efforts last night. It's okay though, it's all she's got left in her holster and at least this time around she remembered all 2 words to "Tell Him". The way I see it, her legs will keep her in for one more 'round of suck -- last week, she stayed safe with the pity vote; this week it'll be the "Haley's BACK yo!" comment from The [astoundingly incorrect] Rand. Thanks Randy. Thanks a lot. But at least that may help get a lost Indian boy back to his native land sooner than later. With my luck, though, likely not.
2. Chris Richardson finally figured out that choosing a ballad to sing is only half the battle -- one must also sing it well to have it leave a mark. While he failed miserably at that the first go 'round 2 weeks ago, he passed with flying colors this time and should be able to sit back sippin' Nestea as he sails through the next few. It should come as no surprise to you that I'm proud of my lover... as predicted last week, he slowed it down a billion notches and sang well from start to finish. Sure, it's not crystal clean everytime he tries one more run (just in case you missed the other 20 he just did), but he sells it, and as long as he looks at the camera the way he did when he finished, I don't care if he just stands there shooting snotrockets at the crowd from here on in. For the first time, he made us believe in his star quality in every regard -- instead of suggesting in spots where he may have a modicum of potential star quality to mold into future commercial appeal. Well done ChrissyPoo! The acoustic rendition was a great call, and I thoroughly enjoyed your hot hot self with both eyes and ears once and for all.
3. So, remember that time 7 days ago when I said don't be surprised if Stephanie goes home? Yeah, basically read that blog post and switch up the song choice. Nothing new here other than the fact that she's for some reason less cute to me than she was 4 weeks ago, and the fact that she's become about as interesting personality-wise as wallpaper. And lemme tell ya, I had lunch with some in my bathroom last week and wallpaper isn't as much fun as you'd think. I would tell her to step up her game, but that would require her to have personality game to step up. She seems like a sweet girl, and she can sing whenever she's not trying to figure out which car she should use to stick Beyonce in the trunk as they hightail it to Mexico never to be found again. It's weird how much I've cooled off on her over the course of 4 weeks. It's like the standard dating curve in Manhattan. Oh well. At least I didn't put her in my "5" before things went sour.
4. K. So. How do I handle this with care? There's likely no way to, given that Blake is such a controversial topic of conversation by the watercooler. So, here I go, speaking freely about what I really think about Blake. Once again, the hip hop producer pulls out another London club scene hit, which, if I were to ever be drunk at a London club, I would likely appreciate, because it'd at least give me an opportunity to say "Who's your Daddy?" and still seem cool for 3 and a half minutes. That said, this boy's ONLY appeal is his commercial vibe. Sure, he makes hip remixes to oldies but goodies, but where's the vocalist at? He's like the trapeze artists flying around at Barnum & Bailey's.. they're entertaining in that they're doing things you'd never think to do, and doing them all so fast that you can't help but ooh and ah. The problem is, someone hasn't told the rest of America that beatboxing isn't hard. And although I never thought I'd say this, Ryan Seacrest became my new choice for President of the Free World when he chose to prove that small but oh-so-important fact to the viewers. Standing beside our dear Skaterboy, Ryan showed why he should never, ever, ever sing anything (ever), but, he also showed seconds later that even Ryan Seacrest can beatbox with ease. And if Ryan Seacrest can do anything with ease, it's gotta be as easy as peeing. I don't dislike Blake - he at least has the "What is he gonna do this week?" factor (which is not to be confused with the ever-elusive "Yo Factor" mind you), but if all he's doing to get the "unique" vote is spit and move his tongue around at the beginning, middle, and end of each song, I really want no part of it. Produce that hit album, by all means! But don't come in here and try to make me think you're a gifted vocalist. On a show that's geared towards finding gifted vocalists. Don't do it. It'll get ugly, and I'll remind you why you didn't even need that tongue to live a full and meaningful life anyway.
5. As aforementioned, Lakisha was certainly not as good as last week. Luckily, she was numero uno last time around, and couldn't have a "bad" day even if I told her she could keep those diamonds. I thought the judges were a bit hard on her only inasmuch as they forgot to mention that she still slapped that song silly vocally, hitting the big notes like no one else on the show can. But, the arrangement overpowered her (which I didn't think was possible, but hey, you learn something new everyday), as did the dancing disco lights which could have easily lit up most of the 3rd world. Yet, what would have handily terminated any other vocalist only bruised her when all was sung and done, and she should be winning back those chips she lost to The Doo last night as we speak. As crazy as little Lulu was, I do believe Kiki should have sung the other song suggested, but the fact that she could still make "Diamonds are Forever" soar in spots is a testament to her abilities. It's okay, I'm going to pick her brain over pedicures later on this week and will be sure to clear matters up before next Tuesday.
6. Phil sang better than he has in a while, but nothing in the known world can prevent him from sounding unoriginal, uninspiring, and altogether unwinning. I feel for the guy too, because he does have pretty serious vocal chops, but they get lost in the excessive skin exposure, the boring song choices, the elevator tones, and the space just above ugly that he occupies. To whatever extent him being in the bottom three may have been a surprise last week, it won't be this week, nor would his exit stage left in about 6 hours. And as Simon properly noted last night, there's nothing more to say really. He sounds the way he sounds, he looks the way he looks, and he's just not gonna go anywhere good in terms of this show. Eh, no hair off my head.
7. Jordin did everything she had to do to make the finale even a possibility for her, and that's sing her ass off like nobody's business. She's still a little stiff when it comes to stage presence, but she has a Kelly Clarkson quality about her - the kind of stand there and look a little scared but sing like the wind when it counts type thing (she also just sounds like her sometimes). While in previous weeks she's shown more lack than luster, Jordin finally showed control... a key component to vocal greatness that had eluded her up until that point. She shined, she was moving, the song choice could not have been better, and she belied her 17 years in presence. Now I can see her making this a 3-way competition, whereas Randy and I were about to go gut to gut with that one before now. I'm proud of her, if not quite a full-on fan yet. If she pulls out the stops one more time, I'll hop on the train, but no matter what she does, she ain't gettin' a seat at the poker table -- she's underage anyway.
8. Why is Sanjaya here? Why are people talking about him being good last night? Why does him choosing a song that requires one merely to screech a lot qualify him as a singer? Why doesn't the toothfairy really exist? These questions and more all continue to haunt me with each passing day. And the answers seem as elusive as Sanjaya's appeal on any level. The fact that he's still in this thing is a travesty beyond measure. The fact that he will likely stay one mo'gin is a national state of emergency. The fact that I had to undergo both his wretchedness and that white girl's pathological cryfest simultaneously is something that can never be corrected nor forgiven. I hate him, but I quickly learned I hated her nightmarish face more, and haven't eaten since. My soul felt cold and empty, and the world went dark. Where is the justice? Where is the hope for humankind? Won't somebody bring an end to this madness? Sadly, I doubt it's going to happen this week, so I'm grabbing all the sad jazz I can find to wallow in misery for another 8 days. Anyone up for a cold walk in the rain with no shoes? If so, I'm yours.
9. Gina continues to be so random, so useless, so poser I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. The haircut was edgy, just like we're supposed to think she is, but the performance was just north of God-awful from start to finish. I wonder if Chris Daughtry is offended by her being the resident rocker this season, as though anything about Gina Glocksen connotes genuine rock artistry in any regard. In addition to her face, I also hate how every single time Gina finishes a performance, she thanks the audience as though they're clapping for what she just sang, when everyone knows they're clapping because it's over. Gina - YOU SUCK, not really as much as a vocalist as much as a person entirely. You're whole thing just bothers me to no end and I can't stand the fact that we have to call you a rocker in order to remind coworkers who you are. I don't know when you're going to leave, but it won't be soon enough. (On the non sequitor tip: has anyone else noticed how much she evokes Callie O'Malley from Grey's Anatomy? Strip the rocker bullsh away and put her in some scrubs, and I swear they could be sisters. Except that Callie rocks, and Gina doesn't. Ha. The irony.)
10. Chris Sligh tried to hide his ugliness by standing in a crowd of people, but it didn't last long. Soon enough, he was throwing his fugly for all to see, standing where Hottie McHotterston of the same first name stood just a week ago. And to make matters worse, he continues to have absolutely no sense of rhythm and almost poked Simon's eye out with the mic stand. Dear Dracula, I feel it is high time you learned a new word: P-O-C-K-E-T. No, no, not the pocket you use to stash extra donuts in backstage; the pocket known as singing within rhythm to make a song pleasant to listeners. Until you come to learn and love this great term, you will forever suck at every chorus you try to sing, because you couldn't find the 1, or the 2, or the 3, or even the 4 if your fro depended on it. And until that grand day when you wake up and realize that music and singing are entirely based on rhythm, we will forever have to hear you shit all over yourself week after week. The only thing going for you is the fact that you can hit roughly 2 notes strongly in your chest voice. Other than that, you have no high notes, no low notes (which at least Alien Stacey can brag about), no ability to keep time, and consequently no ability to maintain whatever appeal people said you have. I never liked you, but at least this way I can teach your no-talent ass clown ass a lesson while you go. And if, so help me God, you ever yell "Fro Patrol!" one more time and try to use it to your advantage, I will ride Stallion Taylor into your ghoulish cave and drive a stake through your heart as you sleep peacefully upside down. So help me I will.
11. The Doo was pretty perfect yet again, but it was by far her least moving performance to date. She can sing, there's no question about it, but she was a bit shaky in the early stages (as Simon pointed out), and really just didn't leave us wowed, warm and fuzzy as per usual. But we all know this had to do with her agreement with Fox and Kiki to help keep ratings up all the way through the finale, thereby taking a break to let Jordin steal the night. She does have to watch out though, Lakisha has more overall pop appeal than LindyLoo, so an off night can put her somewhat at risk against her main competition. All good though, she's still top notch, and is the resident seasoned pro who shows us the difference between mediocrity (i.e. all mainstream pop music with few exceptions) and the real musical deal. And that color looked great on her. Point, Doolittle Style Team OCD Extraordinaires and the Little What-to-Wear Book That Could.
Soooooooo.... after all that, it's time to bid adieu to someone more deserving than Sanjaya. Here are my selections for "shoulda", "coulda", and "wild card" heaven:
Shoulda: Sanjaya Don'tGoFar
Coulda: Phil Stacey
Wild Card: Stephanie Edwards
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Rogers, Over & Out
Well, thankfully the pirate dance will be no more. Brandon is done, and can now go back to being a really lame singer for poppy acts who don't really want to be outsung by their backup singers anyway. Good luck, Mr. Rogers. We will miss you less and less with each passing minute.
I suppose the "thrill" factor came from Phil Stacey being in the Bottom 3, but if you noticed, only about 2.5 people booed about that announcement from Ryan, with roughly a 55-second lag time in reacting. That means no one's actually voting for Elevator Stacey, and I'm pretty sure his alien supporters are having a tough time getting calls through on touchtone phones. He did better vocally than a lot of other guys Tuesday night, but that cranium is just wreckin' the flow. And there's nothing to be done about that. Not here, and not on planet Zorn.
Of course, the evening's sweet ecstacy came when Sucky Sanj was in the bottom 2. Yay for Indian Americans losing interest in American Idol. Problem is, his A Team is likely going to work 5 times harder to get him back out of the bottom 3 come next week. All we can do is pray that his poor showing in performance and vote-getting eventually chokes him out of this show forevermore - and soon. But at least us ladies will get another hair tip before we bid adieu.
Haley obviously grabbed all the pity votes away from Sanjelica this week, so we should also hope that she continues to reek as only she can and that the judges shoot her in the belly so the country's good Samaritans can save her. Then the Indian Stink can go home, and she'll have bled to death by the following Tuesday. It's so picture perfect I almost wanna cry.
Diana Ross attempted to sing again, but only managed some overaged shouts that she's still got in her quite limited artillery. She's in shape though -- you gotta give her that. Next week we see a slightly less colorful cast go at it again, with the middle of the pack fighting it out for the best average amateur prize. And although she doesn't need it, I'm wondering why Lakisha hasn't simply put a bunch of cracks all over the stage whenever Melinda goes on. I mean, c'mon.. use The Doo's OCD to your advantage Kiki! She'll be so concerned with "equal opportunity" stepping, that she'll likely trip off-stage mid-set. (What? You got a problem with dirty play? It's dog eat dog in this biz, ya dig? That, and it'd just be really funny.)
Until Tuesday!!
I suppose the "thrill" factor came from Phil Stacey being in the Bottom 3, but if you noticed, only about 2.5 people booed about that announcement from Ryan, with roughly a 55-second lag time in reacting. That means no one's actually voting for Elevator Stacey, and I'm pretty sure his alien supporters are having a tough time getting calls through on touchtone phones. He did better vocally than a lot of other guys Tuesday night, but that cranium is just wreckin' the flow. And there's nothing to be done about that. Not here, and not on planet Zorn.
Of course, the evening's sweet ecstacy came when Sucky Sanj was in the bottom 2. Yay for Indian Americans losing interest in American Idol. Problem is, his A Team is likely going to work 5 times harder to get him back out of the bottom 3 come next week. All we can do is pray that his poor showing in performance and vote-getting eventually chokes him out of this show forevermore - and soon. But at least us ladies will get another hair tip before we bid adieu.
Haley obviously grabbed all the pity votes away from Sanjelica this week, so we should also hope that she continues to reek as only she can and that the judges shoot her in the belly so the country's good Samaritans can save her. Then the Indian Stink can go home, and she'll have bled to death by the following Tuesday. It's so picture perfect I almost wanna cry.
Diana Ross attempted to sing again, but only managed some overaged shouts that she's still got in her quite limited artillery. She's in shape though -- you gotta give her that. Next week we see a slightly less colorful cast go at it again, with the middle of the pack fighting it out for the best average amateur prize. And although she doesn't need it, I'm wondering why Lakisha hasn't simply put a bunch of cracks all over the stage whenever Melinda goes on. I mean, c'mon.. use The Doo's OCD to your advantage Kiki! She'll be so concerned with "equal opportunity" stepping, that she'll likely trip off-stage mid-set. (What? You got a problem with dirty play? It's dog eat dog in this biz, ya dig? That, and it'd just be really funny.)
Until Tuesday!!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
The Comeback Kiki
Well, despite Fox's attempts to avoid the "Top 10 plus 2 losers" appeal of past years' Wild Card nights, that look is still very in season this time around on AI. Why they even gave Brandon and Haley an opportunity to sing on a stage that gleaming, with a band that pimpin', is beyond me. And I know it must have been beyond them, because apparently they share the same bout of demensia, wherein remembering words is the second thing to go after their small quantity of talent. But I'll discuss their wretched lameness in a second. First I wanna say kudos to Ryan for making up for looking like a big turd by not completely acting like one as per usual. Despite the shit-colored insanity that he donned last night, he was probably the most on person of the night, aside from you know who and you know who two. I'm at least happy to see that almost everyone tried to play their best hands last night, even though they all mainly just sit there biting their nails wondering what in the hell they can do to be as good as Melinda and Lakisha. Here's a tip, suckos: diddly. Instead, just try Jordin's maneuver, which involves pushing your talent as far as it can go, dressing up nice-like when the cameras are on, and doing the best you can possibly do. That's the consolation prize. Other than that, I'm happy to invite you all over for cookies and milk and some badass singin' by the Queens Supreme (except you, Sanjaya - you can't come).
That said, I still really get a kick out of watching the background singers kick most everyone's ass time and time again, and trying to figure out who's gonna be the first corndog to get on the extended part of the stage right behind SPR (Chris R. gets extra kisses for making the first move in Season 6. Well done, brokedown Justin, well done).
Diana Ross was suprisingly insightful about her work with each singer, which halfway makes up for the fact that she can't speak English. But hey, at least she's pronunciating well when she's speaking English incorrectly - and we all know that that's what matters. Aside from knowing that her ass is mine in a game of Scrabble anyday, I did find her refreshingly motherly and even believably caring about these reality tv stars' futures. And at 837 years old, she's still lookin' good. Well, as good as Diana can look. I particularly enjoyed watching her semi-molest Sanjaya with the world's longest awkward hug between 2 veritable strangers, as well as her letting us know that Haley can't sing live if her life depended on it. We already knew that, but it was good to hear it from someone on the inside, don't you think?
Anyhow, as this post's title states, all I really want to write about is Lakisha's take-back-the-night from our reigning champ of the past 2 weeks, but, all good things come to those who first drop-kick Brandon Rogers through the typed word. And so:
1. Brandon Rogers sucked almost as big a fat one as Antonella did last week, except that Haley's worse (see bullet 6 for details) and Brandon can actually sing. A little. Which makes him hands-down the biggest disappointment from start to (long overdue) finish this year. I used to be in your saddle, ready to ride into the sunset hand-in-hand with Melinda, to the land of happy background singers who finally get their due. But no, instead, you shriveled up like a California raisin, and sang even worse than one. You chose a horribly cheezified song, you dance like a pirate who's trying to adjust his broken wooden leg, and you're not even that good to look at. Also, I'm pretty positive you like boys. Dunno why I waited this long to say that. Anyway, go home. We're all tired of you being bad week after week, and we already have a great backup singer's cause to support.
2. Melinda killed it and slapped it silly once again, but lemme be the first to continue my charge down West Side with Lakisha. Melinda is a bona fide NATURAL BORN KILLER when it comes to stage presence and polish. It's automatic for her, as we've said time and time again. That's what makes her riveting, and worth paying for to see in concert at least once. That said, if you close your eyes, and not get caught up in the flawless physical embellishments, you may be slightly (only slightly.. i'm talking degrees here) less moved than you were a minute ago. I'm not even taking away from her ability - she's a class act beyond measure, and her ability to perform, to deliver songs that well is as essential to greatness as vocals themselves. That energy, that "I'm gonna get you sucka" look in her eyes, it's all so captivating and impressive. Without it, however, she doesn't match Keeks on voice alone. There. I said it. I also said it because I think i'm about 2 weeks away from not buying her shy, so humbled, "oh my GOODNESS!" big eyes trick. It's always good to be humble instead of not, but it's not quite as compelling when the humility may not be genuine. I'm not saying she's a faker just yet, but I've been entertaining that possibility for a while now and am not afraid to use it if it comes to that. Doesn't matter - she's still this year's pure and glorious entertainment, and I'm a huge fan of The Doo. Her tears of surprise are well-deserved, as are the deafening roars from audience and household members alike.
3. Chris Sligh did manage to make music history last night, in that he simultaneouly insulted Diana Ross and Coldplay in one performance. Good show! But what insulted me even more, aside from his general ridiculousness, is that he chose to murder a song that has once been covered and should stay, ironically, uncovered henceforth. Y'see, if Chris spent more time listening to great singers sing instead of redecorating his mad science lab in the Kodak Theater's basement, he'd know that Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey already took care of that song many years ago. Took damn good care of it. And if you hear that version, and then proceed to love it as any person with hearing ability would, you wouldn't want Chris Sligh of all people to knife it through the heart the way he did last night. It's just not right. Luther's turning over in his grave (how is he dead? how??????), and Mariah's Mariah. In short, you lose Sideshow Boob. Don't ever disrespect that many great artists in one go again, or I'll make sure you never find another pair of glasses to put back on your really strange manchildish face.
4. Gina sang "Love Child" and showed us once again why she's a C student. Except for gym class, which she'd clearly fail. What's new.
5. Sanjaya is still here, like that fly in your house that won't ever go away but makes it it's business to buzz in your ear at all the wrong times. Everything but the hair must leave, immediately. In fact, I think I'd quite enjoy watching his hair crawl on stage each week to do a little ditty. At least that way you'd always get something new, as opposed to Sucky McSanjalot, who gives you what you expect time and time again. Brave, Simon says. Yeah, I suppose making himself that exposed to his various hitmen is brave. Also, can someone please tell him that he lives in America, not India, so eating is allowed. Although, if he got any thinner he'd likely disappear. On second thought, don't tell him.
6. Haley Scarnato was so bad it hurt. It hurt her, it hurt us, and it hurt Simon so much that he turned right around and threw her a bone (actually, he likely threw her a couple). Clearly feeling bad for erasing her identity last week, combined with the fact that he thought she looked hotter (that's what he's really saying when he uses words like "you look like a star up there"), Simon pulled a "que?" out of his bag o' tricks and was nice to her. I mean, I guess he figured there was nothing worse he could say to her anymore, so why not shake things up and tell her she was good. Man, what a mindfuck. Can you imagine? You finally hit that bad, sad place - not a note in tune or sung well, squirming in and out of your chair, forgetting your words and reaching helplessly for the sky to give you some more talent to no avail - only to be told that you did good and should keep doing what you just did. By Simon of all people. My God. By comparison, I think forgetting her name is nicer than leading her down a clear path to mental instability. If anything, I want her to leave the show so that she can get to rehab sooner. Have Mercy on her, America. She has nothing left to sing for.
7. Phil came back - finally - and did a generally good job. The boy can sing when he decides to, but whoever birthed him must have been one of those ladies who goes into labor in an elevator. Cuz I swear I've heard his voice on every smooth jazz cover running on repeat from Lobby to Penthouse floors all across America. His tone is just so hokey in spots, so unpleasant even when he's doing all the right things. I mean, come on, do you really want to buy a cd of that voice when it's all said and done? Why do you think they put it in elevators? Because elevators are the most common form of imprisonment known to man, and if you could escape to the world where you can choose your music, it wouldn' t be that guy singing like that on your way to work.
8. And then, Kiki took the stage and won the night with a perfect rendition of the perfect song choice. She showed us that she's got the smoothest, most moving voice of the bunch, and that she can work white as well as she can work black. Did I mention that I love her? Did I mention that I love her a lot? I was so proud to hear her take back the throne this week, because she fills your heart when it's that good, and that calm, cool, and collected. And extra kudos to my American Idol for not taking Ms. Ross' advice about the mic stand situation. Not using one this time allowed her to be more physically dynamic -- showing that she can perform visually as well as aurally just like her main competitor. I'd also like to take the opportunity to mention that not in 6 years of American Idol has The Rand ever used the term "Sensational". What we have here, my friends, is something very, very good. And God Bless the Child that's got it like that.
9. Now, I know I've been a bit hard on Blake lately, mainly because I don't yet consider him a singer as much as a hip-hop producer who can carry a tune, but I'm going to go against the SPR grain here and say I kinda dug it. Not only was it actually a WORKING arrangement (as opposed to Sligh's shitstorm), but I could definitely hear that rendition being a big hit on the mainstream techno club track. It was bold in its creativity, but perhaps too much of a good thing. The judges were correct in saying it came off a bit forced, but what more should we expect from a Jamiroquai-obsessed underground producer? I can dig it, Blake. I felt what you were trying to do, and at least I can say for the first time, that although you really don't like to sing as much as you like every other aspect of musical entertainment, that was commercial at worst. And being commercial in pop music never hurt anybody.
10. Chris R. made up for God-awful fashion choices by being his normally hot self from the neck up. Unfortunately, his performance went the way of his clothes, and left us thinking more about when he's gonna leave than how our second date might go. At least he had the balls to be the first to jump the stage extension and engage the crowd, and clearly he's the one with the most rhythm to do it. The teenage squeals drowning Ryan out suggest he'll survive an altogether lackluster performance, but it can't be good that the words last used on Antonella Barba came back to dance in my head as he sang: "I just wish you could sing better." All good though -- he probably wishes that too, and listened to me last week. Was that not upbeat and dancy or what? Told ya. If I know him like I think I do, he may try to recover by going slower next time around. Could be a deathwish, but only the future knows.
11. Don't be surprised if Stephanie goes home tonight or next week. I know, I know, it wouldn't be accurate in terms of talent, but she keeps digging her hole of forgetability deeper and deeper with each passing performance. Not even her clothes were memorable this time around (aside from being bad), and she left everyone hanging when it came to song choice. And nobody likes a tease, honey. At least not in this country. She also still likes Beyonce waaaay too much to let her generally annoying influences go, which is really unfortunate because the girl's got more to her voice than that. I totally forgot about her when it came time to consider the highs and lows of the night, and I don't know much, but I know that's not what you want in this competition. We all remember how bad Haley was and that she should clearly be the one to go, but the fact that we remember it so clearly, and then remember Simon's guiltfest of positivity that made her cry means she could stay more than someone with more talent who doesn't come to mind. Just saying. Don't be surprised.
12. Jordin took a secure hold of third place with a vocally dynamic performance, but you and I know that SPR was being a little too nice. She wasn't *that* good (I thought that, and then rewound it to double check), there were still some rookie hiccups here and there. But she's still great and phenomenally talented for her age, and, like all the Kat McPhee's of years past, continues to clean up well. We need to make sure that whichever dresses they put her in actually fit up top, but the hair and makeup were on lock. No worries, the AI styling team has virtually every week left in the competition to get it right, and so help them, they will. She's certainly not on Melinda and Lakisha's level, but she's budding, which America always loves to cheer for. Well done, Jordy! Keep playing up your femme card, not the frizzy football freak card, and you'll keep soaring.
So, tonight's the night where someone leaves us. Any guesses? Anyone with eardrums knows that March Madness has been going on for weeks already, cuz Sanjaya's still in our faces. Nevertheless, I'm introducing a new theme to predictions now that we're in the Finals, wherein I get to hedge my bets by giving you the "shoulda", the "coulda", and the "wild card" candidates for dismissal each week. So, without further ado:
Shoulda: Haley Scarnato
Coulda: Brandon Rogers
Wild Card: Stephanie Edwards
That said, I still really get a kick out of watching the background singers kick most everyone's ass time and time again, and trying to figure out who's gonna be the first corndog to get on the extended part of the stage right behind SPR (Chris R. gets extra kisses for making the first move in Season 6. Well done, brokedown Justin, well done).
Diana Ross was suprisingly insightful about her work with each singer, which halfway makes up for the fact that she can't speak English. But hey, at least she's pronunciating well when she's speaking English incorrectly - and we all know that that's what matters. Aside from knowing that her ass is mine in a game of Scrabble anyday, I did find her refreshingly motherly and even believably caring about these reality tv stars' futures. And at 837 years old, she's still lookin' good. Well, as good as Diana can look. I particularly enjoyed watching her semi-molest Sanjaya with the world's longest awkward hug between 2 veritable strangers, as well as her letting us know that Haley can't sing live if her life depended on it. We already knew that, but it was good to hear it from someone on the inside, don't you think?
Anyhow, as this post's title states, all I really want to write about is Lakisha's take-back-the-night from our reigning champ of the past 2 weeks, but, all good things come to those who first drop-kick Brandon Rogers through the typed word. And so:
1. Brandon Rogers sucked almost as big a fat one as Antonella did last week, except that Haley's worse (see bullet 6 for details) and Brandon can actually sing. A little. Which makes him hands-down the biggest disappointment from start to (long overdue) finish this year. I used to be in your saddle, ready to ride into the sunset hand-in-hand with Melinda, to the land of happy background singers who finally get their due. But no, instead, you shriveled up like a California raisin, and sang even worse than one. You chose a horribly cheezified song, you dance like a pirate who's trying to adjust his broken wooden leg, and you're not even that good to look at. Also, I'm pretty positive you like boys. Dunno why I waited this long to say that. Anyway, go home. We're all tired of you being bad week after week, and we already have a great backup singer's cause to support.
2. Melinda killed it and slapped it silly once again, but lemme be the first to continue my charge down West Side with Lakisha. Melinda is a bona fide NATURAL BORN KILLER when it comes to stage presence and polish. It's automatic for her, as we've said time and time again. That's what makes her riveting, and worth paying for to see in concert at least once. That said, if you close your eyes, and not get caught up in the flawless physical embellishments, you may be slightly (only slightly.. i'm talking degrees here) less moved than you were a minute ago. I'm not even taking away from her ability - she's a class act beyond measure, and her ability to perform, to deliver songs that well is as essential to greatness as vocals themselves. That energy, that "I'm gonna get you sucka" look in her eyes, it's all so captivating and impressive. Without it, however, she doesn't match Keeks on voice alone. There. I said it. I also said it because I think i'm about 2 weeks away from not buying her shy, so humbled, "oh my GOODNESS!" big eyes trick. It's always good to be humble instead of not, but it's not quite as compelling when the humility may not be genuine. I'm not saying she's a faker just yet, but I've been entertaining that possibility for a while now and am not afraid to use it if it comes to that. Doesn't matter - she's still this year's pure and glorious entertainment, and I'm a huge fan of The Doo. Her tears of surprise are well-deserved, as are the deafening roars from audience and household members alike.
3. Chris Sligh did manage to make music history last night, in that he simultaneouly insulted Diana Ross and Coldplay in one performance. Good show! But what insulted me even more, aside from his general ridiculousness, is that he chose to murder a song that has once been covered and should stay, ironically, uncovered henceforth. Y'see, if Chris spent more time listening to great singers sing instead of redecorating his mad science lab in the Kodak Theater's basement, he'd know that Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey already took care of that song many years ago. Took damn good care of it. And if you hear that version, and then proceed to love it as any person with hearing ability would, you wouldn't want Chris Sligh of all people to knife it through the heart the way he did last night. It's just not right. Luther's turning over in his grave (how is he dead? how??????), and Mariah's Mariah. In short, you lose Sideshow Boob. Don't ever disrespect that many great artists in one go again, or I'll make sure you never find another pair of glasses to put back on your really strange manchildish face.
4. Gina sang "Love Child" and showed us once again why she's a C student. Except for gym class, which she'd clearly fail. What's new.
5. Sanjaya is still here, like that fly in your house that won't ever go away but makes it it's business to buzz in your ear at all the wrong times. Everything but the hair must leave, immediately. In fact, I think I'd quite enjoy watching his hair crawl on stage each week to do a little ditty. At least that way you'd always get something new, as opposed to Sucky McSanjalot, who gives you what you expect time and time again. Brave, Simon says. Yeah, I suppose making himself that exposed to his various hitmen is brave. Also, can someone please tell him that he lives in America, not India, so eating is allowed. Although, if he got any thinner he'd likely disappear. On second thought, don't tell him.
6. Haley Scarnato was so bad it hurt. It hurt her, it hurt us, and it hurt Simon so much that he turned right around and threw her a bone (actually, he likely threw her a couple). Clearly feeling bad for erasing her identity last week, combined with the fact that he thought she looked hotter (that's what he's really saying when he uses words like "you look like a star up there"), Simon pulled a "que?" out of his bag o' tricks and was nice to her. I mean, I guess he figured there was nothing worse he could say to her anymore, so why not shake things up and tell her she was good. Man, what a mindfuck. Can you imagine? You finally hit that bad, sad place - not a note in tune or sung well, squirming in and out of your chair, forgetting your words and reaching helplessly for the sky to give you some more talent to no avail - only to be told that you did good and should keep doing what you just did. By Simon of all people. My God. By comparison, I think forgetting her name is nicer than leading her down a clear path to mental instability. If anything, I want her to leave the show so that she can get to rehab sooner. Have Mercy on her, America. She has nothing left to sing for.
7. Phil came back - finally - and did a generally good job. The boy can sing when he decides to, but whoever birthed him must have been one of those ladies who goes into labor in an elevator. Cuz I swear I've heard his voice on every smooth jazz cover running on repeat from Lobby to Penthouse floors all across America. His tone is just so hokey in spots, so unpleasant even when he's doing all the right things. I mean, come on, do you really want to buy a cd of that voice when it's all said and done? Why do you think they put it in elevators? Because elevators are the most common form of imprisonment known to man, and if you could escape to the world where you can choose your music, it wouldn' t be that guy singing like that on your way to work.
8. And then, Kiki took the stage and won the night with a perfect rendition of the perfect song choice. She showed us that she's got the smoothest, most moving voice of the bunch, and that she can work white as well as she can work black. Did I mention that I love her? Did I mention that I love her a lot? I was so proud to hear her take back the throne this week, because she fills your heart when it's that good, and that calm, cool, and collected. And extra kudos to my American Idol for not taking Ms. Ross' advice about the mic stand situation. Not using one this time allowed her to be more physically dynamic -- showing that she can perform visually as well as aurally just like her main competitor. I'd also like to take the opportunity to mention that not in 6 years of American Idol has The Rand ever used the term "Sensational". What we have here, my friends, is something very, very good. And God Bless the Child that's got it like that.
9. Now, I know I've been a bit hard on Blake lately, mainly because I don't yet consider him a singer as much as a hip-hop producer who can carry a tune, but I'm going to go against the SPR grain here and say I kinda dug it. Not only was it actually a WORKING arrangement (as opposed to Sligh's shitstorm), but I could definitely hear that rendition being a big hit on the mainstream techno club track. It was bold in its creativity, but perhaps too much of a good thing. The judges were correct in saying it came off a bit forced, but what more should we expect from a Jamiroquai-obsessed underground producer? I can dig it, Blake. I felt what you were trying to do, and at least I can say for the first time, that although you really don't like to sing as much as you like every other aspect of musical entertainment, that was commercial at worst. And being commercial in pop music never hurt anybody.
10. Chris R. made up for God-awful fashion choices by being his normally hot self from the neck up. Unfortunately, his performance went the way of his clothes, and left us thinking more about when he's gonna leave than how our second date might go. At least he had the balls to be the first to jump the stage extension and engage the crowd, and clearly he's the one with the most rhythm to do it. The teenage squeals drowning Ryan out suggest he'll survive an altogether lackluster performance, but it can't be good that the words last used on Antonella Barba came back to dance in my head as he sang: "I just wish you could sing better." All good though -- he probably wishes that too, and listened to me last week. Was that not upbeat and dancy or what? Told ya. If I know him like I think I do, he may try to recover by going slower next time around. Could be a deathwish, but only the future knows.
11. Don't be surprised if Stephanie goes home tonight or next week. I know, I know, it wouldn't be accurate in terms of talent, but she keeps digging her hole of forgetability deeper and deeper with each passing performance. Not even her clothes were memorable this time around (aside from being bad), and she left everyone hanging when it came to song choice. And nobody likes a tease, honey. At least not in this country. She also still likes Beyonce waaaay too much to let her generally annoying influences go, which is really unfortunate because the girl's got more to her voice than that. I totally forgot about her when it came time to consider the highs and lows of the night, and I don't know much, but I know that's not what you want in this competition. We all remember how bad Haley was and that she should clearly be the one to go, but the fact that we remember it so clearly, and then remember Simon's guiltfest of positivity that made her cry means she could stay more than someone with more talent who doesn't come to mind. Just saying. Don't be surprised.
12. Jordin took a secure hold of third place with a vocally dynamic performance, but you and I know that SPR was being a little too nice. She wasn't *that* good (I thought that, and then rewound it to double check), there were still some rookie hiccups here and there. But she's still great and phenomenally talented for her age, and, like all the Kat McPhee's of years past, continues to clean up well. We need to make sure that whichever dresses they put her in actually fit up top, but the hair and makeup were on lock. No worries, the AI styling team has virtually every week left in the competition to get it right, and so help them, they will. She's certainly not on Melinda and Lakisha's level, but she's budding, which America always loves to cheer for. Well done, Jordy! Keep playing up your femme card, not the frizzy football freak card, and you'll keep soaring.
So, tonight's the night where someone leaves us. Any guesses? Anyone with eardrums knows that March Madness has been going on for weeks already, cuz Sanjaya's still in our faces. Nevertheless, I'm introducing a new theme to predictions now that we're in the Finals, wherein I get to hedge my bets by giving you the "shoulda", the "coulda", and the "wild card" candidates for dismissal each week. So, without further ado:
Shoulda: Haley Scarnato
Coulda: Brandon Rogers
Wild Card: Stephanie Edwards
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I Say Wha??
Well, the sighs of shock and horror were clearly heard across the nation Thursday night, after they announced that the girl who rhymes with something in Corinne Bailey Rae's name is still in this thing. And of all people to replace... Sabrina? I just don't understand. But, as a parting gift, it appeared that Haley decided to give The Shoutster her engagement rock, cuz Sabrina was also donning what appeared to be newly cut bling during her swan song. Now, we know that Sabrina wasn't gonna win this thing at all, but she certainly had more to offer than some of her surviving counterparts. And the fact that she goes instead of, oh, say, EVERY SINGLE MANBEAST UP THERE, further highlights the travesty of having to advance 6 male suckos just for the sake of "fairness". I think AI will be reassessing the notion of "fair" come next year, cuz putting through so many snoozeable people just to be evenly gendered is pretty much the farthest thing from fair that I can think of. No one wants to see Sanjaya sing another note, ever, on God's green earth. And no one wants to keep figuring out where Phil Stacey's home planet is, or what Brandon has up his ass that prevents him from being a more talented human being, or where Chris R. lives so we can stalk him from the bushes in the night (okay, okay, maybe that's just me, but the point is I can do that without him advancing y'see). It's clear to anyone with ears that the Ladies are far more entertaining to watch than the Men of AI6. And now, because of shitty rules and the judges' unwillingness to reinstate "Wild Card" night (I'll explain), Sabrina Sloan is figuring out what to sing in church tomorrow. It-a don't-a make-a any-sensa. But fine.
For those of you latecomers to what we like to call living life to its fullest (i.e. never missing an episode of American Idol), "Wild Card" night used to be a smart and quite riveting part of the show, wherein, after America had already voted for the Top 10 contestants, SPR would select 2 additional contestants to put back in the competition one week before the Finals began. That way, there was some glimmer of hope that if someone more deserving was shut out by the idiot viewership, SPR could save them on Wild Card night. I remember it fondly, all of the castaways sitting nervously in chairs, sweating bullets of hope and nausea as they waited for SPR to determine their fate. For those who didn't get selected, it was double the pain. But for those who did, it was a new chance at victory. The reason AI decided to drop "Wild Card" night, however, is because they realized the pretty obvious truth: if Americans didn't vote enough for them to begin with, they're not gonna do it later on. At most, "Wild Cards" stayed afloat for another 4-5 weeks, until the country stopped choosing to feel sorry for them. Figuring that the country has final say over which person they wanna make a star, the producers at Fox said to hell with sympathy and vetoing power - let the idiots run free. Thus, we now have a "Top 12" instead of a "Top 10 plus 2 losers".
I see and mostly agree with the rationale of cutting "Wild Card" night, but the fact of the matter is, someone like Sabrina could be "saved" in prior years. Truth is though, I'd much rather see the judges use veto power to remove undeserving candidates from the pile instead. That way Sanjaya The Prince of Suck would kindly evaporate. Too bad. The idiots and the Indian mafia are here to stay.
At least we don't have to think about Antonella in a musical context anymore (good luck wading through the lines upon lines of men waiting to buy her first Playboy spread). And at least we don't have to hear Sabrina sing (really awesome) songs like a cheerleader. And at least I don't have to feel bad about parting ways with Sundance, because everyone knows I broke up with HIM, not the other way around. And at least this way Jared can take some time to learn about the power of waxing. Y'see? It isn't so bad. At the very least, everyone who left on Thursday night wasn't going to win the competition anyway. But so help me Sanjaya...
The clear winner of the night was American Idol as a whole, whose new "Idol Gives Back" campaign is not only commendable, but inspiring. I always knew it'd pay off to stand by my favorite underappreciated channel as a kid (Fox pretty much babysat me) -- and I'm proud of their social conscience. Too bad they still haven't figured out - like most of the world - that Africa isn't a country. If anyone can tell me where Simon and Ryan actually WENT while they were on the continent, I'd love to know. They at least knew better than to avoid the COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED AND RIDICULOUS, WHY ARE AMERICANS SO DISGUSTING AND RETARDED flack that Oprah's getting for focusing solely on African children (with her own God damn money, mind you, so she can spend it however she damn well pleases because Oprah is the Truth and the Light and the Way), by also giving back to Katrina victims, the Bible Belt, and other poverty-stricken 'hoods. Well done, Fox. Well done. And thanks for letting me see Bono in April. Just thank you.
So, we return to 2 measly nights of AI next week, but we at least get to see the Ladies spank some male ass over the course of the hour. Will Lakisha bring sexyback again? Will Melinda release her inner tiger once more? Will whomever assassinates Sanjaya be deemed the clear winner of this season's American Idol? So much to see. Can't wait!!!
For those of you latecomers to what we like to call living life to its fullest (i.e. never missing an episode of American Idol), "Wild Card" night used to be a smart and quite riveting part of the show, wherein, after America had already voted for the Top 10 contestants, SPR would select 2 additional contestants to put back in the competition one week before the Finals began. That way, there was some glimmer of hope that if someone more deserving was shut out by the idiot viewership, SPR could save them on Wild Card night. I remember it fondly, all of the castaways sitting nervously in chairs, sweating bullets of hope and nausea as they waited for SPR to determine their fate. For those who didn't get selected, it was double the pain. But for those who did, it was a new chance at victory. The reason AI decided to drop "Wild Card" night, however, is because they realized the pretty obvious truth: if Americans didn't vote enough for them to begin with, they're not gonna do it later on. At most, "Wild Cards" stayed afloat for another 4-5 weeks, until the country stopped choosing to feel sorry for them. Figuring that the country has final say over which person they wanna make a star, the producers at Fox said to hell with sympathy and vetoing power - let the idiots run free. Thus, we now have a "Top 12" instead of a "Top 10 plus 2 losers".
I see and mostly agree with the rationale of cutting "Wild Card" night, but the fact of the matter is, someone like Sabrina could be "saved" in prior years. Truth is though, I'd much rather see the judges use veto power to remove undeserving candidates from the pile instead. That way Sanjaya The Prince of Suck would kindly evaporate. Too bad. The idiots and the Indian mafia are here to stay.
At least we don't have to think about Antonella in a musical context anymore (good luck wading through the lines upon lines of men waiting to buy her first Playboy spread). And at least we don't have to hear Sabrina sing (really awesome) songs like a cheerleader. And at least I don't have to feel bad about parting ways with Sundance, because everyone knows I broke up with HIM, not the other way around. And at least this way Jared can take some time to learn about the power of waxing. Y'see? It isn't so bad. At the very least, everyone who left on Thursday night wasn't going to win the competition anyway. But so help me Sanjaya...
The clear winner of the night was American Idol as a whole, whose new "Idol Gives Back" campaign is not only commendable, but inspiring. I always knew it'd pay off to stand by my favorite underappreciated channel as a kid (Fox pretty much babysat me) -- and I'm proud of their social conscience. Too bad they still haven't figured out - like most of the world - that Africa isn't a country. If anyone can tell me where Simon and Ryan actually WENT while they were on the continent, I'd love to know. They at least knew better than to avoid the COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED AND RIDICULOUS, WHY ARE AMERICANS SO DISGUSTING AND RETARDED flack that Oprah's getting for focusing solely on African children (with her own God damn money, mind you, so she can spend it however she damn well pleases because Oprah is the Truth and the Light and the Way), by also giving back to Katrina victims, the Bible Belt, and other poverty-stricken 'hoods. Well done, Fox. Well done. And thanks for letting me see Bono in April. Just thank you.
So, we return to 2 measly nights of AI next week, but we at least get to see the Ladies spank some male ass over the course of the hour. Will Lakisha bring sexyback again? Will Melinda release her inner tiger once more? Will whomever assassinates Sanjaya be deemed the clear winner of this season's American Idol? So much to see. Can't wait!!!
Thursday, March 8, 2007
The Year of the "W-O-M-A-NNNNNN"
Hooray!!! My television was working again last night, all systems go, and American Idol shined and sparkled as only a show that truly felt bad for going off the air without warning the preceding night could have done. What the guys had done to drown my will to live on Tuesday was quickly erased as soon as the ladies took stage and took flight, showing why we might have any reason to get excited this year when it's all said and done. Although the fact that 6 guys must by law continue on in this competition makes me hug myself tearfully as I shiver alone on a cold floor, I'm prepared to survive this injustice with the help of two vocal powerhouses who, ironically, almost shouldn't be in this competition.
Before you get out your handguns, lemme explain why. Lakisha and Melinda are so above and beyond the state of "amateur" that they don't need American Idol to justify anything to anyone about their readiness, professionalism, talent, and star-quality. They've been doing this for almost 30 years, they know exactly how to sing well, and they'll continue to do that whenever someone gives them a mic. That's what pros do. And pros don't waste time "competing" with amateurs. The fact that they even have to be compared to these other midlings insults ME, so I can't even imagine how they must feel. At best, they're bored. At worst, they're slighted for having to stand in judgment about whether they did better or worse than last week, when their worst eludes Malakar-Barba, Inc.'s imaginations. The irony only extends further when you realize that, despite being free from the chains of validation by which the other contestants will forever be held captive, both Lakisha and Melinda are exactly what American Idol needs in its least inspiring year to date. As the Rand said last night -- these 2 are consummate pros. And their presence on a show so full of lackluster talent only clarifies just how vastly different good amateurism is from actual greatness. Without them, there is no hope for Americans to know what professional singing looks, sounds, and feels like. What true talent actually can do. And whether or not they win the crown, they have set the standard by which all the other contestants should be judged, lest SPR forget how low they placed the bar on being impressive this time (and so many other times) around.
So, in this fabulous Year of the Woman, let's recount last night's happenings, and then toast to the fact that we never again have to see an all-male performance night this season.
1. Jordin Sparks did precisely what she needed to do to secure her position as the talented youngin' who we hope will continue to grow and grow throughout the competition. That's a long-winded way of saying she's not gonna win. But she'll keep us entertained (for the most part), and she'll sing well (for the most part), and she'll smile and be cutsie (unfortunately, for the most part), and then cry (for the most part) when she hits her ceiling. She's great (for the most part) and has incredible potential (bet you were expecting "for the most part" here, weren't you? Well you're not gonna get it smarty pants), but she makes enough youngin' mistakes to not quite beat out the best of the best this year. She should stay away from Heart songs, though, her niche really is the more sugary pop ballady crap. Sad, but true.
2. Sabrina is apparently still fighting the case of the shouts she came down with last week, and desperately needs a new prescription. If anything, it's only getting worse, and immeasurably more annoying with each too-high song she chooses. That said, she took it back to classic En Vogue, which reminded me that I really miss that CD and can't find where I last put it. That song is the jam. I mean, really. Come on. Go there with me. "Don't you wanna be? Cuz I can' t pretend". Snap, move it, groove it, love it. It's everything we loved and miss about 90's music.. and those girls were the fucking BOMB.. really sad their comeback didn't work like they promised it w-- Oh. Sorry. What were we talking about? Ah yes, Sabrina. Yeah, she sang something, and it was good enough to move her on but really friggin' annoyingly shouty and I wish she'd stop doing that for the love of God, and En Vogue is basically God. Moving on.
3a.) Antonella sucks a fat one.
3b.) But I at least know why she chose to sing a Corinne Bailey Rae song.1) Because Antonella would have us believe (thanks to today's pop music production magic tricks) that she, like Corinne Bailey Rae, could arguably sound good enough on record to make a bangin' album. At which point, like Corinne Bailey Rae, she wouldn't have to worry about sounding like Corinne Bailey Rae does when singing live, which, in short, makes you wanna slit one wrist, but keep the other one intact so that you have time to jump off the 10th story ledge naked and feel the searing pain of your demise from start to finish. I at least commend her for that obviously highly pre-meditated song choice.
3c.) Oh, there's another reason why she chose that song. 2) Because it'd make the listeners ask, "Who sings that song?" And then someone who thinks they know what's "so hot right now" in terms of "indie" R&B soul music will go "Oh, you don't know? That's Corinne Bailey Rae! I have the cd upstairs. She's so hot right now." And then, the person who asked the silly question would say "Oh cool. I'll have to remember that. Corinne Bailey Rae...."
4. And then a girl whose name no one can ever remember since SPR randomly chose to put her on the show comes on, and they say: "Wait. This girl is really random. Is she a contestant? What's her name?". But the musical know-it-all already went upstairs to get that cd everyone is dying over because they've been lucky enough not to see her sing live yet... Corinne Bailey Rae... Bailey Rae... Hm. Wait!! Bailey rhymes with... Haley!! Haley Something or Other! That's her name! And then the person feels proud to have figured out what this randomite's name was on their own, and goes back to being permanently damaged by whatever song she chose to sang. Everything about it (except that BLINGING engagement ring -- did you all peep that rock?!) was awkward, horrible, and a self-imposed death sentence. And then, not so nicely, Simon dished out something far soul-killing than any insult he's ever dished in 6 years of judging: "I don't know your name." I almost cried for her. He said what so many of us were already thinking, but wow.. I mean, he really said it. In front of everyone. Months and months after seeing Haley advance through the competition thus far. I'm still recovering. I don't care about her any more than I care about the asphalt industry, but that was cold man. Cooold.
6. Stephanie has yet to be as impressive from start to finish as she was Week 1, but she's still got 3rd place in terms of talent on lock. Don't be surprised, however, if she goes home sooner than you'd expect. Unless she brightens up her personality to make it stand-out more, she'll follow in the footsteps of other vocal greats who never saw the finale with binoculars on.. namely, Latoya London, Mandisa, George Huff, Jennifer Hudson, and the like. The Rando was correct - she will fare much better in this competition by out-singing less vocally challenging songs, than trying to impress by giving us inexact audiocopies of tougher originals. Leave the truly tough songs to Lakisha, and take notes from Ms. Doolittle about singing simpler renditions amazingly. That's always the golden ticket to Winville, Population 1.
7. Lakisha blew it out the park, despite choosing a Whitney song, because she's really the only person who could pull something like that off. She moved, she finished it perfectly, she kept on glowing like she always does, and she looked downright gorj (that's short for gorgeoliscious). And although she has yet to kill on contact like she did Week 1, she solidified her right to say f--- you to American Idol whenever she damn well pleases. Cuz that woman can sing, and sing soft, big, and everything in between. Expect our wedding invitations in the mail soon.
8. Gina did what she had to do to stay afloat, knowing that her days are numbered on this program. She took the low road, fashioning herself as the token rocker chick, because just trying to sing big pop ballads well isn't going to win her much but a free plane ride home. It was a valiant, overly loud effort on her part, but it completely lacked authenticity or believability. That's likely why she said "This is the REAL ME!" about 1,038 times during her Seacrestation, and then had the audacity to put up the index-plus-pinky fingered "Rock On" gesture towards the band, which we all know only phony people do when they want to look even more phony. She sucks. Not necessarily her voice -- but her persona. She just annoys, because she obviously has no way of winning this thing, but still takes up space and air that I'd rather see Lakisha and Melinda use whenever they're bored or in a hurry to get somewhere. Whatever Gina. Whatever.
9. Melinda once again established herself as the surefire Numero Uno in this competition, with another flawless performance from start to finish. The verve, the nerve, the stage command, the prowess, the confidence, the showstopping delivery, the song choice, the look to the backup singers, the winner's grin... hot DAMN.. everything about it tingled in all the right places. I love her. I love her. And I now can't decide which woman I'm going to propose to first. Don't worry, I'm stealing Haley's ring and splitting it in 2 to save money, but it's more about tact. Do you think she'd be mad if I asked Lakisha first? I mean, she was my first true love. I dunno. Still thinking about it, cuz, it just has to be PERFECT. I never thought I'd end up in Utah, but it really is a good state to have as an option when no one else will be quite as supportive of the 3-way matrimony.
She's still the Queen Bee to beat, in my opinion, but again, it doesn't really matter. She and Lakisha will continue to knock heads and rock our worlds. Lakisha will makes us cry and hold our breath, Doolittle will make our eyes pop and jaws drop. All in all, I'd say that's some quality entertainment. In the meantime, we'll watch amateurs fall, one by one like dominos, and then see how the final cards fall when the professionals decide to bow out. Because no matter what American Idol might tell you, these women can't be voted off -- it's an immunity enjoyed by the few, the proud, and the purely great.
So, the betting's on for our last Thursday of the season. Who will it be my friends? Here's what I'm going for:
Men: Brandon Rogers & Sucky McSuckersanj
Women: Haley Scarnato & Antonella Barba
Before you get out your handguns, lemme explain why. Lakisha and Melinda are so above and beyond the state of "amateur" that they don't need American Idol to justify anything to anyone about their readiness, professionalism, talent, and star-quality. They've been doing this for almost 30 years, they know exactly how to sing well, and they'll continue to do that whenever someone gives them a mic. That's what pros do. And pros don't waste time "competing" with amateurs. The fact that they even have to be compared to these other midlings insults ME, so I can't even imagine how they must feel. At best, they're bored. At worst, they're slighted for having to stand in judgment about whether they did better or worse than last week, when their worst eludes Malakar-Barba, Inc.'s imaginations. The irony only extends further when you realize that, despite being free from the chains of validation by which the other contestants will forever be held captive, both Lakisha and Melinda are exactly what American Idol needs in its least inspiring year to date. As the Rand said last night -- these 2 are consummate pros. And their presence on a show so full of lackluster talent only clarifies just how vastly different good amateurism is from actual greatness. Without them, there is no hope for Americans to know what professional singing looks, sounds, and feels like. What true talent actually can do. And whether or not they win the crown, they have set the standard by which all the other contestants should be judged, lest SPR forget how low they placed the bar on being impressive this time (and so many other times) around.
So, in this fabulous Year of the Woman, let's recount last night's happenings, and then toast to the fact that we never again have to see an all-male performance night this season.
1. Jordin Sparks did precisely what she needed to do to secure her position as the talented youngin' who we hope will continue to grow and grow throughout the competition. That's a long-winded way of saying she's not gonna win. But she'll keep us entertained (for the most part), and she'll sing well (for the most part), and she'll smile and be cutsie (unfortunately, for the most part), and then cry (for the most part) when she hits her ceiling. She's great (for the most part) and has incredible potential (bet you were expecting "for the most part" here, weren't you? Well you're not gonna get it smarty pants), but she makes enough youngin' mistakes to not quite beat out the best of the best this year. She should stay away from Heart songs, though, her niche really is the more sugary pop ballady crap. Sad, but true.
2. Sabrina is apparently still fighting the case of the shouts she came down with last week, and desperately needs a new prescription. If anything, it's only getting worse, and immeasurably more annoying with each too-high song she chooses. That said, she took it back to classic En Vogue, which reminded me that I really miss that CD and can't find where I last put it. That song is the jam. I mean, really. Come on. Go there with me. "Don't you wanna be? Cuz I can' t pretend". Snap, move it, groove it, love it. It's everything we loved and miss about 90's music.. and those girls were the fucking BOMB.. really sad their comeback didn't work like they promised it w-- Oh. Sorry. What were we talking about? Ah yes, Sabrina. Yeah, she sang something, and it was good enough to move her on but really friggin' annoyingly shouty and I wish she'd stop doing that for the love of God, and En Vogue is basically God. Moving on.
3a.) Antonella sucks a fat one.
3b.) But I at least know why she chose to sing a Corinne Bailey Rae song.1) Because Antonella would have us believe (thanks to today's pop music production magic tricks) that she, like Corinne Bailey Rae, could arguably sound good enough on record to make a bangin' album. At which point, like Corinne Bailey Rae, she wouldn't have to worry about sounding like Corinne Bailey Rae does when singing live, which, in short, makes you wanna slit one wrist, but keep the other one intact so that you have time to jump off the 10th story ledge naked and feel the searing pain of your demise from start to finish. I at least commend her for that obviously highly pre-meditated song choice.
3c.) Oh, there's another reason why she chose that song. 2) Because it'd make the listeners ask, "Who sings that song?" And then someone who thinks they know what's "so hot right now" in terms of "indie" R&B soul music will go "Oh, you don't know? That's Corinne Bailey Rae! I have the cd upstairs. She's so hot right now." And then, the person who asked the silly question would say "Oh cool. I'll have to remember that. Corinne Bailey Rae...."
4. And then a girl whose name no one can ever remember since SPR randomly chose to put her on the show comes on, and they say: "Wait. This girl is really random. Is she a contestant? What's her name?". But the musical know-it-all already went upstairs to get that cd everyone is dying over because they've been lucky enough not to see her sing live yet... Corinne Bailey Rae... Bailey Rae... Hm. Wait!! Bailey rhymes with... Haley!! Haley Something or Other! That's her name! And then the person feels proud to have figured out what this randomite's name was on their own, and goes back to being permanently damaged by whatever song she chose to sang. Everything about it (except that BLINGING engagement ring -- did you all peep that rock?!) was awkward, horrible, and a self-imposed death sentence. And then, not so nicely, Simon dished out something far soul-killing than any insult he's ever dished in 6 years of judging: "I don't know your name." I almost cried for her. He said what so many of us were already thinking, but wow.. I mean, he really said it. In front of everyone. Months and months after seeing Haley advance through the competition thus far. I'm still recovering. I don't care about her any more than I care about the asphalt industry, but that was cold man. Cooold.
6. Stephanie has yet to be as impressive from start to finish as she was Week 1, but she's still got 3rd place in terms of talent on lock. Don't be surprised, however, if she goes home sooner than you'd expect. Unless she brightens up her personality to make it stand-out more, she'll follow in the footsteps of other vocal greats who never saw the finale with binoculars on.. namely, Latoya London, Mandisa, George Huff, Jennifer Hudson, and the like. The Rando was correct - she will fare much better in this competition by out-singing less vocally challenging songs, than trying to impress by giving us inexact audiocopies of tougher originals. Leave the truly tough songs to Lakisha, and take notes from Ms. Doolittle about singing simpler renditions amazingly. That's always the golden ticket to Winville, Population 1.
7. Lakisha blew it out the park, despite choosing a Whitney song, because she's really the only person who could pull something like that off. She moved, she finished it perfectly, she kept on glowing like she always does, and she looked downright gorj (that's short for gorgeoliscious). And although she has yet to kill on contact like she did Week 1, she solidified her right to say f--- you to American Idol whenever she damn well pleases. Cuz that woman can sing, and sing soft, big, and everything in between. Expect our wedding invitations in the mail soon.
8. Gina did what she had to do to stay afloat, knowing that her days are numbered on this program. She took the low road, fashioning herself as the token rocker chick, because just trying to sing big pop ballads well isn't going to win her much but a free plane ride home. It was a valiant, overly loud effort on her part, but it completely lacked authenticity or believability. That's likely why she said "This is the REAL ME!" about 1,038 times during her Seacrestation, and then had the audacity to put up the index-plus-pinky fingered "Rock On" gesture towards the band, which we all know only phony people do when they want to look even more phony. She sucks. Not necessarily her voice -- but her persona. She just annoys, because she obviously has no way of winning this thing, but still takes up space and air that I'd rather see Lakisha and Melinda use whenever they're bored or in a hurry to get somewhere. Whatever Gina. Whatever.
9. Melinda once again established herself as the surefire Numero Uno in this competition, with another flawless performance from start to finish. The verve, the nerve, the stage command, the prowess, the confidence, the showstopping delivery, the song choice, the look to the backup singers, the winner's grin... hot DAMN.. everything about it tingled in all the right places. I love her. I love her. And I now can't decide which woman I'm going to propose to first. Don't worry, I'm stealing Haley's ring and splitting it in 2 to save money, but it's more about tact. Do you think she'd be mad if I asked Lakisha first? I mean, she was my first true love. I dunno. Still thinking about it, cuz, it just has to be PERFECT. I never thought I'd end up in Utah, but it really is a good state to have as an option when no one else will be quite as supportive of the 3-way matrimony.
She's still the Queen Bee to beat, in my opinion, but again, it doesn't really matter. She and Lakisha will continue to knock heads and rock our worlds. Lakisha will makes us cry and hold our breath, Doolittle will make our eyes pop and jaws drop. All in all, I'd say that's some quality entertainment. In the meantime, we'll watch amateurs fall, one by one like dominos, and then see how the final cards fall when the professionals decide to bow out. Because no matter what American Idol might tell you, these women can't be voted off -- it's an immunity enjoyed by the few, the proud, and the purely great.
So, the betting's on for our last Thursday of the season. Who will it be my friends? Here's what I'm going for:
Men: Brandon Rogers & Sucky McSuckersanj
Women: Haley Scarnato & Antonella Barba
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
First Kellie Pickler, Now This.
Do any of you know whether American Idol was on last night? I was pretty sure Fox had promised no repeats of this show, and although I was on Channel 5 right at 8pm ready to go, all I got on the tube was a Ricky Minor Band medley, featuring 8 random male backup singers. From some angles, it looked like the guys were competing for something, but I'm certain it couldn't have had anything to do with singing well. Perhaps it was their best impersonations of past American Idol contestants who never made it past Hollywood? Maybe that was it. Either way, the dudes looked familiar, but I couldn't figure out what I was watching, and more importantly, why I was watching it. But hey, I did get to see Ricky do a little jig up close on one of his backup singers at the end, which I'm guessing was the encore performance. That made up for some of it. But, if any of you can let me know where American Idol went last night, I'd appreciate it -- oh, and if you could also Fedex me an hour of my life back, lemme know and I'll get you the address.
At a complete loss for what every one of my senses (except for touch -- the couch was comfy I suppose) went through from 8-9pm, I stumbled into work this morning and realized that THAT was in fact American Idol on TV last night. And that means, that those 8 aberrations attacking my screen were in fact the male American Idol contestants competing for the singing talent crown. Which therefore means, I have to recall how my eyes burned at the sight of them, my ears melted away at the horrors of their unmoving, underwhelming, and generally horrible performances one after the other, how my tastebuds fought unsuccessfully to stave off the vomit that wanted to project onto everyone of their shoes, and how my nose is still recovering from the stench left by their nonsensical attempt at some sort of stardom. It actively pains me to go over Tuesday's abysmal affair, so I'm going to speed-type through this with one (still recovering) eye closed and my head cocked slightly over my right shoulder in fear of what my memories must pull me closer to. Thankfully, it'll all be over soon, and I can spend the rest of the AI season focusing on the women instead of these beasts that are an insult to everything known as great singing.
1. I don't know about you, but I was convinced well before SPR opened their ridiculous mouths that Blake had just handed us one of the WORST performances in Idol history. Make no mistake about the 2 notes out of 4 that he hit on pitch...the pointlessness of that song choice in every way -- the 311-ness of it, the non-musicality, the rapping and beatboxing that was merely him talking in rhythm, the fact that even when he decided to "sing" it, it wasn't even as good as the barely-musical original. How he was allowed to even SUBMIT that song as a viable selection is inexcusable, let alone the fact that he made us sit through it. The performance was so remote from enjoyable that he should have been disqualified, and then ripped into a thousand little shreds by Keebler elves right there and then. I was offended that people even had to THINK about voting for that, and any redeeming qualities he had left for me to embrace after Week 1 were obliterated on contact. F you, you non-singer box of beat. F you, and your bad hair, and your ugly face, and the fact that people clapped after that shitness. I know you'll likely be back to bother us again and again, but until your timely demise arrives, I wish to hate you for making a mockery of a show that's already such a joke to begin with.
2. Clearly distraught after being chosen over AJ to continue on in this competition, Sanjy Suckakar decided to pay tribute to his fellow contestant by letting his inner woman fly out proudly, hula hips and all. While the new hairdo would likely do wonders for me and several of my girlfriends, his new highlights were unfortunately the only highlight of his presence on screen. As predicted, he was better than last week -- because last week was the official bottom of the barrel as far as singing goes -- but it still reeked of amateurism, anemia, and general badness. He's just awful. There's no other way around this. SPR should be ashamed of themselves for putting that lamb of a being in the ring with pandas. I say pandas because the other guys are clearly nowhere close to wolf material when it comes to talent, but I'm pretty sure pandas could take a lamb anyday of the week. It's all just so sad. To be that wrong a fit for the biggest talent show in the world, when your competition is equally barely watchable. Too bad I don't feel bad for you, or your psycho-voting, Indian mafia posse. Like Blake, I wish you nothing but cold nights and death, with knots in your hair from now until eternity.
3. Sundance. You and I need to have a talk. A long talk. How can you make such big strides towards the good side of the table last week, only to crap it out the ballpark with what I consider a performance equally as bad as Week 1? Now, it's true, as a die-hard Pearl Jam-obsessed fan, I'm a little sensitive to the fact that you took (any of) their song(s) and choked the life out of it. But "Jeremy" of all things? "Jeremy"!??!! Who picks "Jeremy" as a song to impress people with, ever? EVER?? As the best alternative rock group EVER (note: alternative rock is not the same as rock, which clearly goes to U2, but they are tied for the alt rock title with Radiohead, just to keep things even-keeled here), Pearl Jam has a billion other amazing, ballady, dark, beautiful, angst-plus-genius-filled songs for one to choose from. Even still, no one would choose to sing it unless they knew they were about to change at least 100 lives by doing so. You disappointed beyond measure, and I'm too mad to discuss this with you any further right now. You'll likely stay - I think - for another week, but I'm just as sick of you sucking right now as I am everyone else, so we're over until further notice.
4. Remember last week when I said if Chris R. can kill it on a ballad then he's got the lead on lock as far as the men are concerned? Well, he did one thing right... he chose to sing a ballad. Sadly, though, he forgot about the other part of the equation, which involves singing it well. It all just came and went, nothing memorable, special, or moving. Just him sitting on a stool, struggling to figure out which camera to look at and for how long, so that the only enjoyment we got (aside from his overall hotness) was seeing his eyeballs slowly relocate to the backside of his sockets so as not to break ties with his right-side camera no matter what the cost. Perhaps he should continue to sing out-of-breath on overly wordy, uptempo pop songs from now on -- it helps him hide the fact that he's not that great a singer when we need him to be. Bet you my last stick of gum he's gonna keep it standing, fast-paced, and semi-dancy next week.. if he knows what's good for him.
5. Jared Cotter sucks and here's why. He's relatively "better" as far as stage presence goes when it comes to the men, but he still isn't a great singer by ANY STRETCH of the imagination. He just keeps trying to be that smooth hot guy, who wants us to forget his constant straining by smiling like a used car salesman everytime he performs. I'm tired of his limited ability, of his eyebrows, of his immeasurable ego that defies understanding, because he's not going to win, and he's not going to change lives, he's just going to give you consistently mediocre vocal efforts time and time again until America decides to forget to vote for him. But I did appreciate his decision to sing "If You Really Love Me", not only because he once again picked a singer whom he could never do any justice, but also because he picked a song that Elliott Yamin SPANKED during the very first weeks of American Idol last year. Double El's impeccable and original rendition of this Stevie classic last year showed and proved to all of America that Yamin was a seriously gifted vocalist. More importantly, it set the Idol standard for other contestants who choose to go near that song. So, whether he knew it or not, Jared made my ability to criticize him that much easier, by failing to match the best singer/songwriter in the history of music, as well as the best R&B singer in Idol history. Thanks, Jared. Keep up the good work.
6. Brandon was relatively better than his abomination of a performance from last week, but that isn't saying much given that his efforts thus far have all been, well, abominations. I'm glad you just wanna celebrate something, but the fact that you didn't tear that song up and slam dunk it just for good measure shows once again, that you are in no shape to be a star lead singer. I couldn't help thinking "Why didn't Sundance sing this song?" the entire time, which made me doubly sad. Maybe I kept thinking of Sundance because he and Brandon are still tied in the "Most Disappointing Contestant" race. All in all, B-dawg has proven completely incapable of connecting with the audience, which doesn't bode well for someone participating in a competition ruled by the audience. He'll go home soon, and no one will miss him. Not Thursday, not next week, nor the week after that. And I'll just wanna celebrate.
7. Phil continued his quick descent from "best guy in the pack" position by choosing to honor AJ's departure by singing a LeAnn Rhimes song. Badly. I still cannot formulate a working sentence regarding the beginning of his performance. And then the middle came and all I remember was a lot of shouting in all the wrong places. Then he wow-ed with a grand finale of riffed "oooh-ing" that tried to lure listeners into a deep sleep, after which they'd forget he sang anything. Didn't work. We all had the terror of it ingrained in our minds from there on in, and there was just no way out. I don't even remember what SPR had to say about it, I just know no one on the planet enjoyed it. And then something about him having hair once and deciding that walking the Earth bald allowed him to feel more connected to his alien brethren traveling the nearby galaxy. Never before will the words ring more true: "Stacey, phone home." Go on, phone his ass hooome.
8. Chris Sligh was the best of the worst night, so that's not much of an accomplishment. Not surprisingly, he chose a song about wanting to be loved, because that's kind of his life's mantra. He still reeks of disingenuity, overly-calculated singing, and bad looks. What's more, despite singing relatively well, he's too hidden in his dark cape of evil superhero AI-takeover that he has yet to open his eyes long enough to connect with the people listening. Count Dracula will be here for awhile yet because the rest of the pack is so God-awful, but even he made a bad song choice this week, so the cracks in his grandmaster plan are most certainly starting to show.
Tonight, I get some payback as American Idol goes back on the air as promised, sans 1 barbie and 1 bad scatter. Awesome.
At a complete loss for what every one of my senses (except for touch -- the couch was comfy I suppose) went through from 8-9pm, I stumbled into work this morning and realized that THAT was in fact American Idol on TV last night. And that means, that those 8 aberrations attacking my screen were in fact the male American Idol contestants competing for the singing talent crown. Which therefore means, I have to recall how my eyes burned at the sight of them, my ears melted away at the horrors of their unmoving, underwhelming, and generally horrible performances one after the other, how my tastebuds fought unsuccessfully to stave off the vomit that wanted to project onto everyone of their shoes, and how my nose is still recovering from the stench left by their nonsensical attempt at some sort of stardom. It actively pains me to go over Tuesday's abysmal affair, so I'm going to speed-type through this with one (still recovering) eye closed and my head cocked slightly over my right shoulder in fear of what my memories must pull me closer to. Thankfully, it'll all be over soon, and I can spend the rest of the AI season focusing on the women instead of these beasts that are an insult to everything known as great singing.
1. I don't know about you, but I was convinced well before SPR opened their ridiculous mouths that Blake had just handed us one of the WORST performances in Idol history. Make no mistake about the 2 notes out of 4 that he hit on pitch...the pointlessness of that song choice in every way -- the 311-ness of it, the non-musicality, the rapping and beatboxing that was merely him talking in rhythm, the fact that even when he decided to "sing" it, it wasn't even as good as the barely-musical original. How he was allowed to even SUBMIT that song as a viable selection is inexcusable, let alone the fact that he made us sit through it. The performance was so remote from enjoyable that he should have been disqualified, and then ripped into a thousand little shreds by Keebler elves right there and then. I was offended that people even had to THINK about voting for that, and any redeeming qualities he had left for me to embrace after Week 1 were obliterated on contact. F you, you non-singer box of beat. F you, and your bad hair, and your ugly face, and the fact that people clapped after that shitness. I know you'll likely be back to bother us again and again, but until your timely demise arrives, I wish to hate you for making a mockery of a show that's already such a joke to begin with.
2. Clearly distraught after being chosen over AJ to continue on in this competition, Sanjy Suckakar decided to pay tribute to his fellow contestant by letting his inner woman fly out proudly, hula hips and all. While the new hairdo would likely do wonders for me and several of my girlfriends, his new highlights were unfortunately the only highlight of his presence on screen. As predicted, he was better than last week -- because last week was the official bottom of the barrel as far as singing goes -- but it still reeked of amateurism, anemia, and general badness. He's just awful. There's no other way around this. SPR should be ashamed of themselves for putting that lamb of a being in the ring with pandas. I say pandas because the other guys are clearly nowhere close to wolf material when it comes to talent, but I'm pretty sure pandas could take a lamb anyday of the week. It's all just so sad. To be that wrong a fit for the biggest talent show in the world, when your competition is equally barely watchable. Too bad I don't feel bad for you, or your psycho-voting, Indian mafia posse. Like Blake, I wish you nothing but cold nights and death, with knots in your hair from now until eternity.
3. Sundance. You and I need to have a talk. A long talk. How can you make such big strides towards the good side of the table last week, only to crap it out the ballpark with what I consider a performance equally as bad as Week 1? Now, it's true, as a die-hard Pearl Jam-obsessed fan, I'm a little sensitive to the fact that you took (any of) their song(s) and choked the life out of it. But "Jeremy" of all things? "Jeremy"!??!! Who picks "Jeremy" as a song to impress people with, ever? EVER?? As the best alternative rock group EVER (note: alternative rock is not the same as rock, which clearly goes to U2, but they are tied for the alt rock title with Radiohead, just to keep things even-keeled here), Pearl Jam has a billion other amazing, ballady, dark, beautiful, angst-plus-genius-filled songs for one to choose from. Even still, no one would choose to sing it unless they knew they were about to change at least 100 lives by doing so. You disappointed beyond measure, and I'm too mad to discuss this with you any further right now. You'll likely stay - I think - for another week, but I'm just as sick of you sucking right now as I am everyone else, so we're over until further notice.
4. Remember last week when I said if Chris R. can kill it on a ballad then he's got the lead on lock as far as the men are concerned? Well, he did one thing right... he chose to sing a ballad. Sadly, though, he forgot about the other part of the equation, which involves singing it well. It all just came and went, nothing memorable, special, or moving. Just him sitting on a stool, struggling to figure out which camera to look at and for how long, so that the only enjoyment we got (aside from his overall hotness) was seeing his eyeballs slowly relocate to the backside of his sockets so as not to break ties with his right-side camera no matter what the cost. Perhaps he should continue to sing out-of-breath on overly wordy, uptempo pop songs from now on -- it helps him hide the fact that he's not that great a singer when we need him to be. Bet you my last stick of gum he's gonna keep it standing, fast-paced, and semi-dancy next week.. if he knows what's good for him.
5. Jared Cotter sucks and here's why. He's relatively "better" as far as stage presence goes when it comes to the men, but he still isn't a great singer by ANY STRETCH of the imagination. He just keeps trying to be that smooth hot guy, who wants us to forget his constant straining by smiling like a used car salesman everytime he performs. I'm tired of his limited ability, of his eyebrows, of his immeasurable ego that defies understanding, because he's not going to win, and he's not going to change lives, he's just going to give you consistently mediocre vocal efforts time and time again until America decides to forget to vote for him. But I did appreciate his decision to sing "If You Really Love Me", not only because he once again picked a singer whom he could never do any justice, but also because he picked a song that Elliott Yamin SPANKED during the very first weeks of American Idol last year. Double El's impeccable and original rendition of this Stevie classic last year showed and proved to all of America that Yamin was a seriously gifted vocalist. More importantly, it set the Idol standard for other contestants who choose to go near that song. So, whether he knew it or not, Jared made my ability to criticize him that much easier, by failing to match the best singer/songwriter in the history of music, as well as the best R&B singer in Idol history. Thanks, Jared. Keep up the good work.
6. Brandon was relatively better than his abomination of a performance from last week, but that isn't saying much given that his efforts thus far have all been, well, abominations. I'm glad you just wanna celebrate something, but the fact that you didn't tear that song up and slam dunk it just for good measure shows once again, that you are in no shape to be a star lead singer. I couldn't help thinking "Why didn't Sundance sing this song?" the entire time, which made me doubly sad. Maybe I kept thinking of Sundance because he and Brandon are still tied in the "Most Disappointing Contestant" race. All in all, B-dawg has proven completely incapable of connecting with the audience, which doesn't bode well for someone participating in a competition ruled by the audience. He'll go home soon, and no one will miss him. Not Thursday, not next week, nor the week after that. And I'll just wanna celebrate.
7. Phil continued his quick descent from "best guy in the pack" position by choosing to honor AJ's departure by singing a LeAnn Rhimes song. Badly. I still cannot formulate a working sentence regarding the beginning of his performance. And then the middle came and all I remember was a lot of shouting in all the wrong places. Then he wow-ed with a grand finale of riffed "oooh-ing" that tried to lure listeners into a deep sleep, after which they'd forget he sang anything. Didn't work. We all had the terror of it ingrained in our minds from there on in, and there was just no way out. I don't even remember what SPR had to say about it, I just know no one on the planet enjoyed it. And then something about him having hair once and deciding that walking the Earth bald allowed him to feel more connected to his alien brethren traveling the nearby galaxy. Never before will the words ring more true: "Stacey, phone home." Go on, phone his ass hooome.
8. Chris Sligh was the best of the worst night, so that's not much of an accomplishment. Not surprisingly, he chose a song about wanting to be loved, because that's kind of his life's mantra. He still reeks of disingenuity, overly-calculated singing, and bad looks. What's more, despite singing relatively well, he's too hidden in his dark cape of evil superhero AI-takeover that he has yet to open his eyes long enough to connect with the people listening. Count Dracula will be here for awhile yet because the rest of the pack is so God-awful, but even he made a bad song choice this week, so the cracks in his grandmaster plan are most certainly starting to show.
Tonight, I get some payback as American Idol goes back on the air as promised, sans 1 barbie and 1 bad scatter. Awesome.
Friday, March 2, 2007
America the Pitiful
On any other day, going 3 outta 4 on predictions wouldn't be half bad. But today is not like all other days, because today we have to continue to smell the stench of Sucky Sanj's performances for at least one more minute and a half. And by God, that's a minute and a half too long. For the third time since 2000, America has proven its astounding intellectual depth in a nationwide vote, deciding to keep Sanjaya Horrible in the running for one more week. And what's worse, they did so at the expense of 2 actual singers (albeit non-Idols by any stretch). I would like to discuss this travesty further, but really, it defies description and comprehension. The only thing we can do, America, is rally together by actually starting to vote. Never in my life as an Idol fan have I started voting this early in the competition.. but now I see the error in my ways, because Indian Americans have raised the stakes. You wanna play hardball? Huh?! Huh! Fine then, my posse is about to rip your boy a new one with the speed-dial prowess only true cellular professionals can boast, and soon enough, your no-talent-ass-clown (all praises be unto "Office Space") will be joining the quick and the dead. If not now, then when?!! While Melinda and Lakisha are sparring in the main ring, our own little war of worlds will commence promptly on next Tuesday night, as soon as Sanjaya opens his infant mouth. I don't care how well he does -- cuz he obviously will do better than this week, it doesn't get any worse. His ass needs to be vaccuumed up like Ellen did the scum underneath Oscar nominees' feet last Sunday. This is my new mission in life. India, you've been warned.
As for everyone else - they should have gone home. And to celebrate the fact that I don't have to listen to them anymore, I'm handing out awards as deemed appropriate:
The "Classiest Exit Award" goes to Nick, who was the first contestant in 6 years to be cool enough to slap all the other dudes' hands while he was singing his swan song. He looked so much more comfy, and collected, and even strangely happy to be done with this hellish ride they call American Idol. Good for him. Too bad my good vibrations towards him went way up on his way out.
Alaina Alexander gets the The "Nicest Exit Award", only because she was nice enough not to put us through her singing anymore during her finale. Hearing you cry and hug people was so much more pleasant than anything else you've offered up throughout this competition, so thanks for that. Cuz really, (your) silence is golden.
Last but not least, the "Actually Pretty Awesome Exit Award" goes to AJ, who clearly rocked it on his song last night. Unlike Alaina, his crying didn't prevent him from singing better than he did Tuesday, and he was impressive from start to finish. Maybe I can be nicer because we know he shouldn't have gone home last night. Maybe, however, I can also be this nice because we know he should have gone home soon thereafter. Either way, Alexandra Alice Jane Juanita will be missed, especially when s/he should be singing to us next week instead of HorribleBoy. That said, I know the contestants have got to be relieved, seeing as how they no longer have to figure out which Top 12 he was supposed to occupy.
Oh! And I almost forgot... The "Biggest Fake Boobs Award" clearly goes to Ms. Pickler. That and the "You Look and Sound Horrid, How Are You Famous on Any Planet Award". But I figured that went without saying.
Until next week -- when Barba gives singing another go and Sundance tries to go 2 for 3. Best of all, Suck in his Hair will breathe his last breath if I have anything to do with it. You think I'm kidding? I just taped a "Sanjaya Must Die" post-it to my coworker's computer. And I don't waste post-its for ANYTHING.
As for everyone else - they should have gone home. And to celebrate the fact that I don't have to listen to them anymore, I'm handing out awards as deemed appropriate:
The "Classiest Exit Award" goes to Nick, who was the first contestant in 6 years to be cool enough to slap all the other dudes' hands while he was singing his swan song. He looked so much more comfy, and collected, and even strangely happy to be done with this hellish ride they call American Idol. Good for him. Too bad my good vibrations towards him went way up on his way out.
Alaina Alexander gets the The "Nicest Exit Award", only because she was nice enough not to put us through her singing anymore during her finale. Hearing you cry and hug people was so much more pleasant than anything else you've offered up throughout this competition, so thanks for that. Cuz really, (your) silence is golden.
Last but not least, the "Actually Pretty Awesome Exit Award" goes to AJ, who clearly rocked it on his song last night. Unlike Alaina, his crying didn't prevent him from singing better than he did Tuesday, and he was impressive from start to finish. Maybe I can be nicer because we know he shouldn't have gone home last night. Maybe, however, I can also be this nice because we know he should have gone home soon thereafter. Either way, Alexandra Alice Jane Juanita will be missed, especially when s/he should be singing to us next week instead of HorribleBoy. That said, I know the contestants have got to be relieved, seeing as how they no longer have to figure out which Top 12 he was supposed to occupy.
Oh! And I almost forgot... The "Biggest Fake Boobs Award" clearly goes to Ms. Pickler. That and the "You Look and Sound Horrid, How Are You Famous on Any Planet Award". But I figured that went without saying.
Until next week -- when Barba gives singing another go and Sundance tries to go 2 for 3. Best of all, Suck in his Hair will breathe his last breath if I have anything to do with it. You think I'm kidding? I just taped a "Sanjaya Must Die" post-it to my coworker's computer. And I don't waste post-its for ANYTHING.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
This Means War
Y'know, it's funny. Spending as much time as I do on the AI Men's performances each week, when the Ladies of Season 6 are the only thing keeping people glued to the tube this year. Who cares whether Sundance was better than Alien Stacey? Who cares whether AJ is male or female? The important issues at hand are the fact that war has officially begun, a war worth watching, and it's already blazing in a television near you. Who will win this diva-sized battle? Lakisha? Melinda? Too close to call at the moment. But one thing's for sure. These women are so far and away in a different league than the other contestants that it's almost shaming. I'd personally hate to be any one of them right now, even if I did have kickass moments like Jordin and Stephanie do. It's still not enough. And if neither LakiLove nor NoNeck win this competition, the fact that they are above and beyond what the other 22 vocalists can give us in terms of polish, power, professionalism, and delivery will not change. So, only because I must discuss them all, I give you the Ladies' performances from last night, who, for the most part, came to play this year -- which is more than I can say for the mildly entertaining karaoke we had to sit through on Tuesday.
1. Gina Glocksen reminds me of a throw pillow, accessorized by spikes and chains of course. It's that extra piece of home furnishing that has no useful purpose, and kinda just sits there trying to make an otherwise fully-functional space appear busier than it really is. What's more, I think throw pillows only got their name by virtue of the fact that when you try to sit down on a couch full of them, all you want to do is throw one 100 yards down the street because they're in your goddamn way. To me, that's Gina's sole purpose on this show -- to accessorize the real competition up until that random night when America decides to throw her down the alleyway. No one cares whether she did better this week than last, no one even really cares about the fact that she can't sing softly and then was outdone by the backup singer Charlotte who sang louder, more on pitch, and at an unfathomably higher chest voice register than she. No one even really cares that Carrie Underwood clearly sang it better 2 years ago. Gina will stay this week, and likely a few more, but she's merely getting in the way of us enjoying the real entertainment this year. Space fillers have their place, but I'd take a few coasters over a throw pillow any day of the week.
2. Alaina continued her stretch of mindboggling underwhelmingness, and we're all just counting down the days until we don't have to watch her extensions grow out any longer. Now, we all know that she has no business singing, well, much of anything really, but of all things, you choose the most popular single ever to kick George W. in the nuts, just 3 weeks since the Grammy's crowned the Dixie Queens? And of all things, Paula comes in and tries to console you by saying that's a hard song to sing. Paula, honeypie, sweetness, that song is not hard to sing -- it's just really really awesome. And the fact that Alaina has now extended her streak as the contestant most lost inside the severe limitations of her talent makes me pray to every God out there that I no longer have to deal with this come next week. Remember way back when when I said I'd be tired of having to discuss these no-talent barbie dolls 2-3 weeks in? Well, we're hitting that mark and let's just say I'm mad as hell and I don't have time to go 'round and 'round and 'round.
3. I love American Idol because you know Satan is one of the dudes manning production this season.. cuz only Lucifer himself would put Lakisha Jones directly after Alaina A. Ha. That's awesome. Lakisha was not as good as last week, but just as amazing, solid, and fun to watch. She channeled Gladys PERFECTLY, she didn't oversing it (which is the mark of a true professional with that kind of power), and she continued to glow like a nightlight. I love her still and I'm glad that Simon couldn't care less whether she wins this thing or not -- he made it quite clear yesterday that she's destined for bigtime stardom, no matter what AI has to say about it. What I don't understand, however, is what was so wrong with her outfit? Distracting? Why? Cuz she has legs and she's not afraid to use them? Cuz she wears coral colors that only look great on women of color? I didn't understand that little rant -- certainly not when Simon still hasn't found his way to the waxing parlor for those gorilla arms and hands he's workin' with.
4. And then, the war of worlds was set afire, as Melinda Doolittle presented one of the best performances in American Idol history, second only to Fantasia's rendition of "Summertime". But to come with such verve, virtuosity, amazingness, power, precision, and phrasing so early on in this competition set a call to arms heard all over the nation. Lakisha, you cannot have a bad day, because my stylist, vocal coach, and what-to-wear-today book are jointly concocting the perfect formula to secure my victory this year. These two are gonna go for the jugulars better than anything you can see on the Discovery Channel, and I've got tubs upon tubs of popcorn to inhale while they do it. Again, I find this one too early to call, but if I have to pick a camp, I'm snapping down West Side Story with Lakisha. Her natural tone is smoother than that of Melinda - who could be potentially grating in spots if she's not always on lock, and she's got a few more power points in her holster when it all comes down to it. But Melinda was without a doubt the one to beat after last night's showdown, and I am astounded, thrilled, and so happy to see these two queens of the night ram horns until the bloody end.
5. Antonella decided to follow in the footsteps of great singers--this time Celion Dion--and trip, fall, break a few bones, and puncture a lung in the process. There's no need to review what was already so painful the first time through. If she and Alaina continue to destroy our sense of what is just and right in this world for one more week, I hereby offer up my apartment's backyard for the sacrificial roast we'll conduct in their honor. Don't worry, I'll make sure they're dead before you get there, so we don't have to hear one more thing come out of their mouths, ever.
6. Jordin Sparks was definitely better than last week, but the song is just so irritatingly annoying and kiddiepoo that it got in the way of her talent. She was a lot less sugary (pulling her ridiculous hair back did wonders in that department), and I appreciated it tenfold. Now I at least have one big toe on her train, which is way more than I can say for last week. She's great - and she is phenomenally talented for her age. But she will not win. Nor should she. She'll give a very strong run this year, however, so I hope she continues to come out swingin'. Heck, if she keeps the maturity thing up, I may even start rooting for her without hesitation someday.
7. It didn't help that Stephanie Edwards was off rhythm for the majority of her performance due to an unfortunate battle with the band behind her on "Dangerously In Love". It prevented us from getting into it until far too late, and although she made up for it with a strong ending, it paled in comparison to what she brought to the stage last week. And to clarify, what Randy was trying to tell you, dear, is that trying to be too much like Beyonce isn't actually a good move when you're trying to win a singing competition. The unwielded vibrato that Ms. B still can't get a hold of after 37 years in the music industry is not something you should emulate. Stick to your voice, not hers, and you'll go much, much farther in this competition. The dress was pretty dope though -- I'll give you that.
8. Now, Leslie Hunt may have improved on looking less canine to me, but she made up for it by looking roughly 42 years old last night. Are we really supposed to believe this "girl" is 24? Iiiiiiiii don't think so. It didn't help that she chose a song that was just sung the night before, and didn't even sing it much better. What's worse, she chose to distinguish herself as the "jazzy" type by scatting halfway through, and sucking at it. If she had done it for about 5 seconds, it would have been a masterful move. But she held onto it so long, even SHE wanted to vomit from the overdose. It lost its pocket, its pitch, its originality, its everything.. and turned into a jazzier version of Nicole Tranquillo's vocal schizophrenia from a week prior. I hope Les started saying her goodbyes early -- cuz it's really a matter of hours for this puppy. (Pun intended, obviously).
9. Haley Scarnato was most definitely not the Queen of the Night, and the clock's ticking is only getting louder on this chick. She did improve from last week's ridiculousness inasmuch as I remember what song she did and the fact that her hair could not have been worse if she tried. That said, she has no staying power in this show. None. She's not memorable, she's not very talented, she bores to tears, and her eyebrows are too thin. This is why I'm happy she's engaged, because at least I know there's a man out there who'll coddle her when she gets the boot. Other than that, I continue to remain unmoved and unimpressed. She's like that mysterious mist that wafts up through the sidewalk grates in Manhattan. You know it's probably harmless at the end of the day, but you still don't want to be exposed to it if you can help it.
10. Lastly, we come to Sabrina Sloan, who, like Stephanie, let us down compared to last week, but will still be here for awhile yet. She had a serious case of the shouts last night and it wasn't pleasant. The girl is talented, and cute enough from the right angles, but just as Simon said, screaming at the top of your power cord is not fun - not for you, not for us. So kindly stop. Also, don't sing Whitney, cuz I'd prefer she handle that, thanks. But aside from the uncontrolled loudness that nearly drowned the whole thing out, she handled her biz enough to snooze through tonight's results show. Which I'll also be doing whenever Kellie Pickler disgraces the stage.
So, who will it be people?!?!?! Tonight's a toughie, because we all know the ones that should go usually find a way to stay for too long. I'm fully prepared to be wrong, but here's what I'm putting down on:
Men: Nick Pedro & Sucky Sanj
Ladies: Alaina Alexander & Leslie Hunt
Until tonight!
PS - Ryan actually looked good for once in his life. I like the skinny tie on purple combo he was rockin'. Way to have a good fashion day once every 6 years RyRy!
1. Gina Glocksen reminds me of a throw pillow, accessorized by spikes and chains of course. It's that extra piece of home furnishing that has no useful purpose, and kinda just sits there trying to make an otherwise fully-functional space appear busier than it really is. What's more, I think throw pillows only got their name by virtue of the fact that when you try to sit down on a couch full of them, all you want to do is throw one 100 yards down the street because they're in your goddamn way. To me, that's Gina's sole purpose on this show -- to accessorize the real competition up until that random night when America decides to throw her down the alleyway. No one cares whether she did better this week than last, no one even really cares about the fact that she can't sing softly and then was outdone by the backup singer Charlotte who sang louder, more on pitch, and at an unfathomably higher chest voice register than she. No one even really cares that Carrie Underwood clearly sang it better 2 years ago. Gina will stay this week, and likely a few more, but she's merely getting in the way of us enjoying the real entertainment this year. Space fillers have their place, but I'd take a few coasters over a throw pillow any day of the week.
2. Alaina continued her stretch of mindboggling underwhelmingness, and we're all just counting down the days until we don't have to watch her extensions grow out any longer. Now, we all know that she has no business singing, well, much of anything really, but of all things, you choose the most popular single ever to kick George W. in the nuts, just 3 weeks since the Grammy's crowned the Dixie Queens? And of all things, Paula comes in and tries to console you by saying that's a hard song to sing. Paula, honeypie, sweetness, that song is not hard to sing -- it's just really really awesome. And the fact that Alaina has now extended her streak as the contestant most lost inside the severe limitations of her talent makes me pray to every God out there that I no longer have to deal with this come next week. Remember way back when when I said I'd be tired of having to discuss these no-talent barbie dolls 2-3 weeks in? Well, we're hitting that mark and let's just say I'm mad as hell and I don't have time to go 'round and 'round and 'round.
3. I love American Idol because you know Satan is one of the dudes manning production this season.. cuz only Lucifer himself would put Lakisha Jones directly after Alaina A. Ha. That's awesome. Lakisha was not as good as last week, but just as amazing, solid, and fun to watch. She channeled Gladys PERFECTLY, she didn't oversing it (which is the mark of a true professional with that kind of power), and she continued to glow like a nightlight. I love her still and I'm glad that Simon couldn't care less whether she wins this thing or not -- he made it quite clear yesterday that she's destined for bigtime stardom, no matter what AI has to say about it. What I don't understand, however, is what was so wrong with her outfit? Distracting? Why? Cuz she has legs and she's not afraid to use them? Cuz she wears coral colors that only look great on women of color? I didn't understand that little rant -- certainly not when Simon still hasn't found his way to the waxing parlor for those gorilla arms and hands he's workin' with.
4. And then, the war of worlds was set afire, as Melinda Doolittle presented one of the best performances in American Idol history, second only to Fantasia's rendition of "Summertime". But to come with such verve, virtuosity, amazingness, power, precision, and phrasing so early on in this competition set a call to arms heard all over the nation. Lakisha, you cannot have a bad day, because my stylist, vocal coach, and what-to-wear-today book are jointly concocting the perfect formula to secure my victory this year. These two are gonna go for the jugulars better than anything you can see on the Discovery Channel, and I've got tubs upon tubs of popcorn to inhale while they do it. Again, I find this one too early to call, but if I have to pick a camp, I'm snapping down West Side Story with Lakisha. Her natural tone is smoother than that of Melinda - who could be potentially grating in spots if she's not always on lock, and she's got a few more power points in her holster when it all comes down to it. But Melinda was without a doubt the one to beat after last night's showdown, and I am astounded, thrilled, and so happy to see these two queens of the night ram horns until the bloody end.
5. Antonella decided to follow in the footsteps of great singers--this time Celion Dion--and trip, fall, break a few bones, and puncture a lung in the process. There's no need to review what was already so painful the first time through. If she and Alaina continue to destroy our sense of what is just and right in this world for one more week, I hereby offer up my apartment's backyard for the sacrificial roast we'll conduct in their honor. Don't worry, I'll make sure they're dead before you get there, so we don't have to hear one more thing come out of their mouths, ever.
6. Jordin Sparks was definitely better than last week, but the song is just so irritatingly annoying and kiddiepoo that it got in the way of her talent. She was a lot less sugary (pulling her ridiculous hair back did wonders in that department), and I appreciated it tenfold. Now I at least have one big toe on her train, which is way more than I can say for last week. She's great - and she is phenomenally talented for her age. But she will not win. Nor should she. She'll give a very strong run this year, however, so I hope she continues to come out swingin'. Heck, if she keeps the maturity thing up, I may even start rooting for her without hesitation someday.
7. It didn't help that Stephanie Edwards was off rhythm for the majority of her performance due to an unfortunate battle with the band behind her on "Dangerously In Love". It prevented us from getting into it until far too late, and although she made up for it with a strong ending, it paled in comparison to what she brought to the stage last week. And to clarify, what Randy was trying to tell you, dear, is that trying to be too much like Beyonce isn't actually a good move when you're trying to win a singing competition. The unwielded vibrato that Ms. B still can't get a hold of after 37 years in the music industry is not something you should emulate. Stick to your voice, not hers, and you'll go much, much farther in this competition. The dress was pretty dope though -- I'll give you that.
8. Now, Leslie Hunt may have improved on looking less canine to me, but she made up for it by looking roughly 42 years old last night. Are we really supposed to believe this "girl" is 24? Iiiiiiiii don't think so. It didn't help that she chose a song that was just sung the night before, and didn't even sing it much better. What's worse, she chose to distinguish herself as the "jazzy" type by scatting halfway through, and sucking at it. If she had done it for about 5 seconds, it would have been a masterful move. But she held onto it so long, even SHE wanted to vomit from the overdose. It lost its pocket, its pitch, its originality, its everything.. and turned into a jazzier version of Nicole Tranquillo's vocal schizophrenia from a week prior. I hope Les started saying her goodbyes early -- cuz it's really a matter of hours for this puppy. (Pun intended, obviously).
9. Haley Scarnato was most definitely not the Queen of the Night, and the clock's ticking is only getting louder on this chick. She did improve from last week's ridiculousness inasmuch as I remember what song she did and the fact that her hair could not have been worse if she tried. That said, she has no staying power in this show. None. She's not memorable, she's not very talented, she bores to tears, and her eyebrows are too thin. This is why I'm happy she's engaged, because at least I know there's a man out there who'll coddle her when she gets the boot. Other than that, I continue to remain unmoved and unimpressed. She's like that mysterious mist that wafts up through the sidewalk grates in Manhattan. You know it's probably harmless at the end of the day, but you still don't want to be exposed to it if you can help it.
10. Lastly, we come to Sabrina Sloan, who, like Stephanie, let us down compared to last week, but will still be here for awhile yet. She had a serious case of the shouts last night and it wasn't pleasant. The girl is talented, and cute enough from the right angles, but just as Simon said, screaming at the top of your power cord is not fun - not for you, not for us. So kindly stop. Also, don't sing Whitney, cuz I'd prefer she handle that, thanks. But aside from the uncontrolled loudness that nearly drowned the whole thing out, she handled her biz enough to snooze through tonight's results show. Which I'll also be doing whenever Kellie Pickler disgraces the stage.
So, who will it be people?!?!?! Tonight's a toughie, because we all know the ones that should go usually find a way to stay for too long. I'm fully prepared to be wrong, but here's what I'm putting down on:
Men: Nick Pedro & Sucky Sanj
Ladies: Alaina Alexander & Leslie Hunt
Until tonight!
PS - Ryan actually looked good for once in his life. I like the skinny tie on purple combo he was rockin'. Way to have a good fashion day once every 6 years RyRy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)