The Comeback Kiki

Well, despite Fox's attempts to avoid the "Top 10 plus 2 losers" appeal of past years' Wild Card nights, that look is still very in season this time around on AI. Why they even gave Brandon and Haley an opportunity to sing on a stage that gleaming, with a band that pimpin', is beyond me. And I know it must have been beyond them, because apparently they share the same bout of demensia, wherein remembering words is the second thing to go after their small quantity of talent. But I'll discuss their wretched lameness in a second. First I wanna say kudos to Ryan for making up for looking like a big turd by not completely acting like one as per usual. Despite the shit-colored insanity that he donned last night, he was probably the most on person of the night, aside from you know who and you know who two. I'm at least happy to see that almost everyone tried to play their best hands last night, even though they all mainly just sit there biting their nails wondering what in the hell they can do to be as good as Melinda and Lakisha. Here's a tip, suckos: diddly. Instead, just try Jordin's maneuver, which involves pushing your talent as far as it can go, dressing up nice-like when the cameras are on, and doing the best you can possibly do. That's the consolation prize. Other than that, I'm happy to invite you all over for cookies and milk and some badass singin' by the Queens Supreme (except you, Sanjaya - you can't come).

That said, I still really get a kick out of watching the background singers kick most everyone's ass time and time again, and trying to figure out who's gonna be the first corndog to get on the extended part of the stage right behind SPR (Chris R. gets extra kisses for making the first move in Season 6. Well done, brokedown Justin, well done).

Diana Ross was suprisingly insightful about her work with each singer, which halfway makes up for the fact that she can't speak English. But hey, at least she's pronunciating well when she's speaking English incorrectly - and we all know that that's what matters. Aside from knowing that her ass is mine in a game of Scrabble anyday, I did find her refreshingly motherly and even believably caring about these reality tv stars' futures. And at 837 years old, she's still lookin' good. Well, as good as Diana can look. I particularly enjoyed watching her semi-molest Sanjaya with the world's longest awkward hug between 2 veritable strangers, as well as her letting us know that Haley can't sing live if her life depended on it. We already knew that, but it was good to hear it from someone on the inside, don't you think?

Anyhow, as this post's title states, all I really want to write about is Lakisha's take-back-the-night from our reigning champ of the past 2 weeks, but, all good things come to those who first drop-kick Brandon Rogers through the typed word. And so:

1. Brandon Rogers sucked almost as big a fat one as Antonella did last week, except that Haley's worse (see bullet 6 for details) and Brandon can actually sing. A little. Which makes him hands-down the biggest disappointment from start to (long overdue) finish this year. I used to be in your saddle, ready to ride into the sunset hand-in-hand with Melinda, to the land of happy background singers who finally get their due. But no, instead, you shriveled up like a California raisin, and sang even worse than one. You chose a horribly cheezified song, you dance like a pirate who's trying to adjust his broken wooden leg, and you're not even that good to look at. Also, I'm pretty positive you like boys. Dunno why I waited this long to say that. Anyway, go home. We're all tired of you being bad week after week, and we already have a great backup singer's cause to support.

2. Melinda killed it and slapped it silly once again, but lemme be the first to continue my charge down West Side with Lakisha. Melinda is a bona fide NATURAL BORN KILLER when it comes to stage presence and polish. It's automatic for her, as we've said time and time again. That's what makes her riveting, and worth paying for to see in concert at least once. That said, if you close your eyes, and not get caught up in the flawless physical embellishments, you may be slightly (only slightly.. i'm talking degrees here) less moved than you were a minute ago. I'm not even taking away from her ability - she's a class act beyond measure, and her ability to perform, to deliver songs that well is as essential to greatness as vocals themselves. That energy, that "I'm gonna get you sucka" look in her eyes, it's all so captivating and impressive. Without it, however, she doesn't match Keeks on voice alone. There. I said it. I also said it because I think i'm about 2 weeks away from not buying her shy, so humbled, "oh my GOODNESS!" big eyes trick. It's always good to be humble instead of not, but it's not quite as compelling when the humility may not be genuine. I'm not saying she's a faker just yet, but I've been entertaining that possibility for a while now and am not afraid to use it if it comes to that. Doesn't matter - she's still this year's pure and glorious entertainment, and I'm a huge fan of The Doo. Her tears of surprise are well-deserved, as are the deafening roars from audience and household members alike.

3. Chris Sligh did manage to make music history last night, in that he simultaneouly insulted Diana Ross and Coldplay in one performance. Good show! But what insulted me even more, aside from his general ridiculousness, is that he chose to murder a song that has once been covered and should stay, ironically, uncovered henceforth. Y'see, if Chris spent more time listening to great singers sing instead of redecorating his mad science lab in the Kodak Theater's basement, he'd know that Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey already took care of that song many years ago. Took damn good care of it. And if you hear that version, and then proceed to love it as any person with hearing ability would, you wouldn't want Chris Sligh of all people to knife it through the heart the way he did last night. It's just not right. Luther's turning over in his grave (how is he dead? how??????), and Mariah's Mariah. In short, you lose Sideshow Boob. Don't ever disrespect that many great artists in one go again, or I'll make sure you never find another pair of glasses to put back on your really strange manchildish face.

4. Gina sang "Love Child" and showed us once again why she's a C student. Except for gym class, which she'd clearly fail. What's new.

5. Sanjaya is still here, like that fly in your house that won't ever go away but makes it it's business to buzz in your ear at all the wrong times. Everything but the hair must leave, immediately. In fact, I think I'd quite enjoy watching his hair crawl on stage each week to do a little ditty. At least that way you'd always get something new, as opposed to Sucky McSanjalot, who gives you what you expect time and time again. Brave, Simon says. Yeah, I suppose making himself that exposed to his various hitmen is brave. Also, can someone please tell him that he lives in America, not India, so eating is allowed. Although, if he got any thinner he'd likely disappear. On second thought, don't tell him.

6. Haley Scarnato was so bad it hurt. It hurt her, it hurt us, and it hurt Simon so much that he turned right around and threw her a bone (actually, he likely threw her a couple). Clearly feeling bad for erasing her identity last week, combined with the fact that he thought she looked hotter (that's what he's really saying when he uses words like "you look like a star up there"), Simon pulled a "que?" out of his bag o' tricks and was nice to her. I mean, I guess he figured there was nothing worse he could say to her anymore, so why not shake things up and tell her she was good. Man, what a mindfuck. Can you imagine? You finally hit that bad, sad place - not a note in tune or sung well, squirming in and out of your chair, forgetting your words and reaching helplessly for the sky to give you some more talent to no avail - only to be told that you did good and should keep doing what you just did. By Simon of all people. My God. By comparison, I think forgetting her name is nicer than leading her down a clear path to mental instability. If anything, I want her to leave the show so that she can get to rehab sooner. Have Mercy on her, America. She has nothing left to sing for.

7. Phil came back - finally - and did a generally good job. The boy can sing when he decides to, but whoever birthed him must have been one of those ladies who goes into labor in an elevator. Cuz I swear I've heard his voice on every smooth jazz cover running on repeat from Lobby to Penthouse floors all across America. His tone is just so hokey in spots, so unpleasant even when he's doing all the right things. I mean, come on, do you really want to buy a cd of that voice when it's all said and done? Why do you think they put it in elevators? Because elevators are the most common form of imprisonment known to man, and if you could escape to the world where you can choose your music, it wouldn' t be that guy singing like that on your way to work.

8. And then, Kiki took the stage and won the night with a perfect rendition of the perfect song choice. She showed us that she's got the smoothest, most moving voice of the bunch, and that she can work white as well as she can work black. Did I mention that I love her? Did I mention that I love her a lot? I was so proud to hear her take back the throne this week, because she fills your heart when it's that good, and that calm, cool, and collected. And extra kudos to my American Idol for not taking Ms. Ross' advice about the mic stand situation. Not using one this time allowed her to be more physically dynamic -- showing that she can perform visually as well as aurally just like her main competitor. I'd also like to take the opportunity to mention that not in 6 years of American Idol has The Rand ever used the term "Sensational". What we have here, my friends, is something very, very good. And God Bless the Child that's got it like that.

9. Now, I know I've been a bit hard on Blake lately, mainly because I don't yet consider him a singer as much as a hip-hop producer who can carry a tune, but I'm going to go against the SPR grain here and say I kinda dug it. Not only was it actually a WORKING arrangement (as opposed to Sligh's shitstorm), but I could definitely hear that rendition being a big hit on the mainstream techno club track. It was bold in its creativity, but perhaps too much of a good thing. The judges were correct in saying it came off a bit forced, but what more should we expect from a Jamiroquai-obsessed underground producer? I can dig it, Blake. I felt what you were trying to do, and at least I can say for the first time, that although you really don't like to sing as much as you like every other aspect of musical entertainment, that was commercial at worst. And being commercial in pop music never hurt anybody.

10. Chris R. made up for God-awful fashion choices by being his normally hot self from the neck up. Unfortunately, his performance went the way of his clothes, and left us thinking more about when he's gonna leave than how our second date might go. At least he had the balls to be the first to jump the stage extension and engage the crowd, and clearly he's the one with the most rhythm to do it. The teenage squeals drowning Ryan out suggest he'll survive an altogether lackluster performance, but it can't be good that the words last used on Antonella Barba came back to dance in my head as he sang: "I just wish you could sing better." All good though -- he probably wishes that too, and listened to me last week. Was that not upbeat and dancy or what? Told ya. If I know him like I think I do, he may try to recover by going slower next time around. Could be a deathwish, but only the future knows.

11. Don't be surprised if Stephanie goes home tonight or next week. I know, I know, it wouldn't be accurate in terms of talent, but she keeps digging her hole of forgetability deeper and deeper with each passing performance. Not even her clothes were memorable this time around (aside from being bad), and she left everyone hanging when it came to song choice. And nobody likes a tease, honey. At least not in this country. She also still likes Beyonce waaaay too much to let her generally annoying influences go, which is really unfortunate because the girl's got more to her voice than that. I totally forgot about her when it came time to consider the highs and lows of the night, and I don't know much, but I know that's not what you want in this competition. We all remember how bad Haley was and that she should clearly be the one to go, but the fact that we remember it so clearly, and then remember Simon's guiltfest of positivity that made her cry means she could stay more than someone with more talent who doesn't come to mind. Just saying. Don't be surprised.

12. Jordin took a secure hold of third place with a vocally dynamic performance, but you and I know that SPR was being a little too nice. She wasn't *that* good (I thought that, and then rewound it to double check), there were still some rookie hiccups here and there. But she's still great and phenomenally talented for her age, and, like all the Kat McPhee's of years past, continues to clean up well. We need to make sure that whichever dresses they put her in actually fit up top, but the hair and makeup were on lock. No worries, the AI styling team has virtually every week left in the competition to get it right, and so help them, they will. She's certainly not on Melinda and Lakisha's level, but she's budding, which America always loves to cheer for. Well done, Jordy! Keep playing up your femme card, not the frizzy football freak card, and you'll keep soaring.

So, tonight's the night where someone leaves us. Any guesses? Anyone with eardrums knows that March Madness has been going on for weeks already, cuz Sanjaya's still in our faces. Nevertheless, I'm introducing a new theme to predictions now that we're in the Finals, wherein I get to hedge my bets by giving you the "shoulda", the "coulda", and the "wild card" candidates for dismissal each week. So, without further ado:

Shoulda: Haley Scarnato
Coulda: Brandon Rogers
Wild Card: Stephanie Edwards