Sparks Fly!

Was it just me, or did the past 6 days of not having Idol on my tv screen feel like 15 years? Man, this show is better than coke. And if any of you can actually attest to how good coke can feel, lemme know and I'll feel better about making that judgment call. But really, if I had to put my last $.04 on it, I'd say there's nothing better than the niche Fox has carved out for all of America to curl up in, 2 nights a week. Whether it's bad (Return of the Sanjay(a) IV) or good (a new Jordin becomes MVP), it's all worth the wait. Kudos to the producers for making the set feel like a worn-in couch, especially when they trip out of commercial breaks back into Simon's ass in our faces as he sits on his table playing patty-cake with RyRy. Trust, if all goes according to plan, I'll be sitting on Rando's lap braiding Paula's extensions into cornrows in no time. I mean, rarely do I flatter myself.. but you know there's no other guest judge who'd drag Sanjaya off the stage by the perm mid-performance and sit on his head for the remainder of the show with as much steadfast conviction as me. Mmmm just thinking of it makes me tingly.

But, lemme get back to the real issue at hand, which is, of course, the fact that little Ms. Jordin finally made this a competition for the ages. And I don't mean that in a glorifying way, although that would be sweet of me given that AI really doesn't matter more than Joss Stone's new hair color; rather, it literally became a race where age and appeal will go hand in hand down the home stretch this season. While no one has the professional polish of Kiki and The Doo (or the chops, really), Jordin's flawless performance last night opened the floodgates for the Anti30. While the Queens to Beat hover around 28 and 29, the Teen to Beat may gather the votes that appreciate youth in its blossoming stages over the full-fledged woman. She's cuter, she's pop-ier, and she's not afraid to show her weak spots, which, as long as you shine more than you suck, America loves bar none. The problem may come when Jordy slips again on a song (yes, when)... make no mistake about it, the big mamas are going to capitalize just as much as Ms. J did last night. It was as though Lakisha and LindyLoo were tired of holding the bar up so high for so long all on their own that they decided after playing another 'round of texas hold 'em not to be the best of the bunch this time. I can see it now...

L: "Hey NoNeck, finish my cigar.. I gotta go put some million-dollar bling on for this song."
M: "Aight, but give it a rest this week, would ya? Frizz-face is tryin' to be the black Kat McPhee and I wanna see how far she can take it."
[The two smile, wink, and tap cigars with a chuckle as Kiki takes off for Bondville, stage right]

It's true -- both Lakisha and Melinda still rocked, but something about their somewhat imperfect performances suggested a tag team of sorts. They gave it a rest alright, and Jordy milked it for all it was worth. As I've said before, you can't knock the hustle. Get yours, deary -- come showdown, you may very well knock one of the Towering Twosome out of this thing before the final hour. And if you sing like you did last night, I won't be mad at ya.

Other people sang some stuff too, and an alien chimed in midway, so I guess I have to discuss their performances as well. I mean, c'mon, it's not everyday we get to see extraterrestrial life this up close and in person.

1. Haley Scarnato pulled her last trick out of the coin purse (saying she has a whole bag is really.. quite...oh, how should I say....false) by getting nekkid for the cameras. She knows the vocals won't help her, but man, those gams should keep her around for another week at the least. She did manage to escape skankville by a few yards, for which I commend her, but the fact that I remember her Daisy Dukes more than her song suggests something was perhaps, oh, how should I say... imbalanced with her efforts last night. It's okay though, it's all she's got left in her holster and at least this time around she remembered all 2 words to "Tell Him". The way I see it, her legs will keep her in for one more 'round of suck -- last week, she stayed safe with the pity vote; this week it'll be the "Haley's BACK yo!" comment from The [astoundingly incorrect] Rand. Thanks Randy. Thanks a lot. But at least that may help get a lost Indian boy back to his native land sooner than later. With my luck, though, likely not.

2. Chris Richardson finally figured out that choosing a ballad to sing is only half the battle -- one must also sing it well to have it leave a mark. While he failed miserably at that the first go 'round 2 weeks ago, he passed with flying colors this time and should be able to sit back sippin' Nestea as he sails through the next few. It should come as no surprise to you that I'm proud of my lover... as predicted last week, he slowed it down a billion notches and sang well from start to finish. Sure, it's not crystal clean everytime he tries one more run (just in case you missed the other 20 he just did), but he sells it, and as long as he looks at the camera the way he did when he finished, I don't care if he just stands there shooting snotrockets at the crowd from here on in. For the first time, he made us believe in his star quality in every regard -- instead of suggesting in spots where he may have a modicum of potential star quality to mold into future commercial appeal. Well done ChrissyPoo! The acoustic rendition was a great call, and I thoroughly enjoyed your hot hot self with both eyes and ears once and for all.

3. So, remember that time 7 days ago when I said don't be surprised if Stephanie goes home? Yeah, basically read that blog post and switch up the song choice. Nothing new here other than the fact that she's for some reason less cute to me than she was 4 weeks ago, and the fact that she's become about as interesting personality-wise as wallpaper. And lemme tell ya, I had lunch with some in my bathroom last week and wallpaper isn't as much fun as you'd think. I would tell her to step up her game, but that would require her to have personality game to step up. She seems like a sweet girl, and she can sing whenever she's not trying to figure out which car she should use to stick Beyonce in the trunk as they hightail it to Mexico never to be found again. It's weird how much I've cooled off on her over the course of 4 weeks. It's like the standard dating curve in Manhattan. Oh well. At least I didn't put her in my "5" before things went sour.

4. K. So. How do I handle this with care? There's likely no way to, given that Blake is such a controversial topic of conversation by the watercooler. So, here I go, speaking freely about what I really think about Blake. Once again, the hip hop producer pulls out another London club scene hit, which, if I were to ever be drunk at a London club, I would likely appreciate, because it'd at least give me an opportunity to say "Who's your Daddy?" and still seem cool for 3 and a half minutes. That said, this boy's ONLY appeal is his commercial vibe. Sure, he makes hip remixes to oldies but goodies, but where's the vocalist at? He's like the trapeze artists flying around at Barnum & Bailey's.. they're entertaining in that they're doing things you'd never think to do, and doing them all so fast that you can't help but ooh and ah. The problem is, someone hasn't told the rest of America that beatboxing isn't hard. And although I never thought I'd say this, Ryan Seacrest became my new choice for President of the Free World when he chose to prove that small but oh-so-important fact to the viewers. Standing beside our dear Skaterboy, Ryan showed why he should never, ever, ever sing anything (ever), but, he also showed seconds later that even Ryan Seacrest can beatbox with ease. And if Ryan Seacrest can do anything with ease, it's gotta be as easy as peeing. I don't dislike Blake - he at least has the "What is he gonna do this week?" factor (which is not to be confused with the ever-elusive "Yo Factor" mind you), but if all he's doing to get the "unique" vote is spit and move his tongue around at the beginning, middle, and end of each song, I really want no part of it. Produce that hit album, by all means! But don't come in here and try to make me think you're a gifted vocalist. On a show that's geared towards finding gifted vocalists. Don't do it. It'll get ugly, and I'll remind you why you didn't even need that tongue to live a full and meaningful life anyway.

5. As aforementioned, Lakisha was certainly not as good as last week. Luckily, she was numero uno last time around, and couldn't have a "bad" day even if I told her she could keep those diamonds. I thought the judges were a bit hard on her only inasmuch as they forgot to mention that she still slapped that song silly vocally, hitting the big notes like no one else on the show can. But, the arrangement overpowered her (which I didn't think was possible, but hey, you learn something new everyday), as did the dancing disco lights which could have easily lit up most of the 3rd world. Yet, what would have handily terminated any other vocalist only bruised her when all was sung and done, and she should be winning back those chips she lost to The Doo last night as we speak. As crazy as little Lulu was, I do believe Kiki should have sung the other song suggested, but the fact that she could still make "Diamonds are Forever" soar in spots is a testament to her abilities. It's okay, I'm going to pick her brain over pedicures later on this week and will be sure to clear matters up before next Tuesday.

6. Phil sang better than he has in a while, but nothing in the known world can prevent him from sounding unoriginal, uninspiring, and altogether unwinning. I feel for the guy too, because he does have pretty serious vocal chops, but they get lost in the excessive skin exposure, the boring song choices, the elevator tones, and the space just above ugly that he occupies. To whatever extent him being in the bottom three may have been a surprise last week, it won't be this week, nor would his exit stage left in about 6 hours. And as Simon properly noted last night, there's nothing more to say really. He sounds the way he sounds, he looks the way he looks, and he's just not gonna go anywhere good in terms of this show. Eh, no hair off my head.

7. Jordin did everything she had to do to make the finale even a possibility for her, and that's sing her ass off like nobody's business. She's still a little stiff when it comes to stage presence, but she has a Kelly Clarkson quality about her - the kind of stand there and look a little scared but sing like the wind when it counts type thing (she also just sounds like her sometimes). While in previous weeks she's shown more lack than luster, Jordin finally showed control... a key component to vocal greatness that had eluded her up until that point. She shined, she was moving, the song choice could not have been better, and she belied her 17 years in presence. Now I can see her making this a 3-way competition, whereas Randy and I were about to go gut to gut with that one before now. I'm proud of her, if not quite a full-on fan yet. If she pulls out the stops one more time, I'll hop on the train, but no matter what she does, she ain't gettin' a seat at the poker table -- she's underage anyway.

8. Why is Sanjaya here? Why are people talking about him being good last night? Why does him choosing a song that requires one merely to screech a lot qualify him as a singer? Why doesn't the toothfairy really exist? These questions and more all continue to haunt me with each passing day. And the answers seem as elusive as Sanjaya's appeal on any level. The fact that he's still in this thing is a travesty beyond measure. The fact that he will likely stay one mo'gin is a national state of emergency. The fact that I had to undergo both his wretchedness and that white girl's pathological cryfest simultaneously is something that can never be corrected nor forgiven. I hate him, but I quickly learned I hated her nightmarish face more, and haven't eaten since. My soul felt cold and empty, and the world went dark. Where is the justice? Where is the hope for humankind? Won't somebody bring an end to this madness? Sadly, I doubt it's going to happen this week, so I'm grabbing all the sad jazz I can find to wallow in misery for another 8 days. Anyone up for a cold walk in the rain with no shoes? If so, I'm yours.

9. Gina continues to be so random, so useless, so poser I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. The haircut was edgy, just like we're supposed to think she is, but the performance was just north of God-awful from start to finish. I wonder if Chris Daughtry is offended by her being the resident rocker this season, as though anything about Gina Glocksen connotes genuine rock artistry in any regard. In addition to her face, I also hate how every single time Gina finishes a performance, she thanks the audience as though they're clapping for what she just sang, when everyone knows they're clapping because it's over. Gina - YOU SUCK, not really as much as a vocalist as much as a person entirely. You're whole thing just bothers me to no end and I can't stand the fact that we have to call you a rocker in order to remind coworkers who you are. I don't know when you're going to leave, but it won't be soon enough. (On the non sequitor tip: has anyone else noticed how much she evokes Callie O'Malley from Grey's Anatomy? Strip the rocker bullsh away and put her in some scrubs, and I swear they could be sisters. Except that Callie rocks, and Gina doesn't. Ha. The irony.)

10. Chris Sligh tried to hide his ugliness by standing in a crowd of people, but it didn't last long. Soon enough, he was throwing his fugly for all to see, standing where Hottie McHotterston of the same first name stood just a week ago. And to make matters worse, he continues to have absolutely no sense of rhythm and almost poked Simon's eye out with the mic stand. Dear Dracula, I feel it is high time you learned a new word: P-O-C-K-E-T. No, no, not the pocket you use to stash extra donuts in backstage; the pocket known as singing within rhythm to make a song pleasant to listeners. Until you come to learn and love this great term, you will forever suck at every chorus you try to sing, because you couldn't find the 1, or the 2, or the 3, or even the 4 if your fro depended on it. And until that grand day when you wake up and realize that music and singing are entirely based on rhythm, we will forever have to hear you shit all over yourself week after week. The only thing going for you is the fact that you can hit roughly 2 notes strongly in your chest voice. Other than that, you have no high notes, no low notes (which at least Alien Stacey can brag about), no ability to keep time, and consequently no ability to maintain whatever appeal people said you have. I never liked you, but at least this way I can teach your no-talent ass clown ass a lesson while you go. And if, so help me God, you ever yell "Fro Patrol!" one more time and try to use it to your advantage, I will ride Stallion Taylor into your ghoulish cave and drive a stake through your heart as you sleep peacefully upside down. So help me I will.

11. The Doo was pretty perfect yet again, but it was by far her least moving performance to date. She can sing, there's no question about it, but she was a bit shaky in the early stages (as Simon pointed out), and really just didn't leave us wowed, warm and fuzzy as per usual. But we all know this had to do with her agreement with Fox and Kiki to help keep ratings up all the way through the finale, thereby taking a break to let Jordin steal the night. She does have to watch out though, Lakisha has more overall pop appeal than LindyLoo, so an off night can put her somewhat at risk against her main competition. All good though, she's still top notch, and is the resident seasoned pro who shows us the difference between mediocrity (i.e. all mainstream pop music with few exceptions) and the real musical deal. And that color looked great on her. Point, Doolittle Style Team OCD Extraordinaires and the Little What-to-Wear Book That Could.

Soooooooo.... after all that, it's time to bid adieu to someone more deserving than Sanjaya. Here are my selections for "shoulda", "coulda", and "wild card" heaven:

Shoulda: Sanjaya Don'tGoFar
Coulda: Phil Stacey
Wild Card: Stephanie Edwards