I Say Wha??

Well, the sighs of shock and horror were clearly heard across the nation Thursday night, after they announced that the girl who rhymes with something in Corinne Bailey Rae's name is still in this thing. And of all people to replace... Sabrina? I just don't understand. But, as a parting gift, it appeared that Haley decided to give The Shoutster her engagement rock, cuz Sabrina was also donning what appeared to be newly cut bling during her swan song. Now, we know that Sabrina wasn't gonna win this thing at all, but she certainly had more to offer than some of her surviving counterparts. And the fact that she goes instead of, oh, say, EVERY SINGLE MANBEAST UP THERE, further highlights the travesty of having to advance 6 male suckos just for the sake of "fairness". I think AI will be reassessing the notion of "fair" come next year, cuz putting through so many snoozeable people just to be evenly gendered is pretty much the farthest thing from fair that I can think of. No one wants to see Sanjaya sing another note, ever, on God's green earth. And no one wants to keep figuring out where Phil Stacey's home planet is, or what Brandon has up his ass that prevents him from being a more talented human being, or where Chris R. lives so we can stalk him from the bushes in the night (okay, okay, maybe that's just me, but the point is I can do that without him advancing y'see). It's clear to anyone with ears that the Ladies are far more entertaining to watch than the Men of AI6. And now, because of shitty rules and the judges' unwillingness to reinstate "Wild Card" night (I'll explain), Sabrina Sloan is figuring out what to sing in church tomorrow. It-a don't-a make-a any-sensa. But fine.

For those of you latecomers to what we like to call living life to its fullest (i.e. never missing an episode of American Idol), "Wild Card" night used to be a smart and quite riveting part of the show, wherein, after America had already voted for the Top 10 contestants, SPR would select 2 additional contestants to put back in the competition one week before the Finals began. That way, there was some glimmer of hope that if someone more deserving was shut out by the idiot viewership, SPR could save them on Wild Card night. I remember it fondly, all of the castaways sitting nervously in chairs, sweating bullets of hope and nausea as they waited for SPR to determine their fate. For those who didn't get selected, it was double the pain. But for those who did, it was a new chance at victory. The reason AI decided to drop "Wild Card" night, however, is because they realized the pretty obvious truth: if Americans didn't vote enough for them to begin with, they're not gonna do it later on. At most, "Wild Cards" stayed afloat for another 4-5 weeks, until the country stopped choosing to feel sorry for them. Figuring that the country has final say over which person they wanna make a star, the producers at Fox said to hell with sympathy and vetoing power - let the idiots run free. Thus, we now have a "Top 12" instead of a "Top 10 plus 2 losers".

I see and mostly agree with the rationale of cutting "Wild Card" night, but the fact of the matter is, someone like Sabrina could be "saved" in prior years. Truth is though, I'd much rather see the judges use veto power to remove undeserving candidates from the pile instead. That way Sanjaya The Prince of Suck would kindly evaporate. Too bad. The idiots and the Indian mafia are here to stay.

At least we don't have to think about Antonella in a musical context anymore (good luck wading through the lines upon lines of men waiting to buy her first Playboy spread). And at least we don't have to hear Sabrina sing (really awesome) songs like a cheerleader. And at least I don't have to feel bad about parting ways with Sundance, because everyone knows I broke up with HIM, not the other way around. And at least this way Jared can take some time to learn about the power of waxing. Y'see? It isn't so bad. At the very least, everyone who left on Thursday night wasn't going to win the competition anyway. But so help me Sanjaya...

The clear winner of the night was American Idol as a whole, whose new "Idol Gives Back" campaign is not only commendable, but inspiring. I always knew it'd pay off to stand by my favorite underappreciated channel as a kid (Fox pretty much babysat me) -- and I'm proud of their social conscience. Too bad they still haven't figured out - like most of the world - that Africa isn't a country. If anyone can tell me where Simon and Ryan actually WENT while they were on the continent, I'd love to know. They at least knew better than to avoid the COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED AND RIDICULOUS, WHY ARE AMERICANS SO DISGUSTING AND RETARDED flack that Oprah's getting for focusing solely on African children (with her own God damn money, mind you, so she can spend it however she damn well pleases because Oprah is the Truth and the Light and the Way), by also giving back to Katrina victims, the Bible Belt, and other poverty-stricken 'hoods. Well done, Fox. Well done. And thanks for letting me see Bono in April. Just thank you.

So, we return to 2 measly nights of AI next week, but we at least get to see the Ladies spank some male ass over the course of the hour. Will Lakisha bring sexyback again? Will Melinda release her inner tiger once more? Will whomever assassinates Sanjaya be deemed the clear winner of this season's American Idol? So much to see. Can't wait!!!