America the Pitiful

On any other day, going 3 outta 4 on predictions wouldn't be half bad. But today is not like all other days, because today we have to continue to smell the stench of Sucky Sanj's performances for at least one more minute and a half. And by God, that's a minute and a half too long. For the third time since 2000, America has proven its astounding intellectual depth in a nationwide vote, deciding to keep Sanjaya Horrible in the running for one more week. And what's worse, they did so at the expense of 2 actual singers (albeit non-Idols by any stretch). I would like to discuss this travesty further, but really, it defies description and comprehension. The only thing we can do, America, is rally together by actually starting to vote. Never in my life as an Idol fan have I started voting this early in the competition.. but now I see the error in my ways, because Indian Americans have raised the stakes. You wanna play hardball? Huh?! Huh! Fine then, my posse is about to rip your boy a new one with the speed-dial prowess only true cellular professionals can boast, and soon enough, your no-talent-ass-clown (all praises be unto "Office Space") will be joining the quick and the dead. If not now, then when?!! While Melinda and Lakisha are sparring in the main ring, our own little war of worlds will commence promptly on next Tuesday night, as soon as Sanjaya opens his infant mouth. I don't care how well he does -- cuz he obviously will do better than this week, it doesn't get any worse. His ass needs to be vaccuumed up like Ellen did the scum underneath Oscar nominees' feet last Sunday. This is my new mission in life. India, you've been warned.

As for everyone else - they should have gone home. And to celebrate the fact that I don't have to listen to them anymore, I'm handing out awards as deemed appropriate:

The "Classiest Exit Award" goes to Nick, who was the first contestant in 6 years to be cool enough to slap all the other dudes' hands while he was singing his swan song. He looked so much more comfy, and collected, and even strangely happy to be done with this hellish ride they call American Idol. Good for him. Too bad my good vibrations towards him went way up on his way out.

Alaina Alexander gets the The "Nicest Exit Award", only because she was nice enough not to put us through her singing anymore during her finale. Hearing you cry and hug people was so much more pleasant than anything else you've offered up throughout this competition, so thanks for that. Cuz really, (your) silence is golden.

Last but not least, the "Actually Pretty Awesome Exit Award" goes to AJ, who clearly rocked it on his song last night. Unlike Alaina, his crying didn't prevent him from singing better than he did Tuesday, and he was impressive from start to finish. Maybe I can be nicer because we know he shouldn't have gone home last night. Maybe, however, I can also be this nice because we know he should have gone home soon thereafter. Either way, Alexandra Alice Jane Juanita will be missed, especially when s/he should be singing to us next week instead of HorribleBoy. That said, I know the contestants have got to be relieved, seeing as how they no longer have to figure out which Top 12 he was supposed to occupy.

Oh! And I almost forgot... The "Biggest Fake Boobs Award" clearly goes to Ms. Pickler. That and the "You Look and Sound Horrid, How Are You Famous on Any Planet Award". But I figured that went without saying.

Until next week -- when Barba gives singing another go and Sundance tries to go 2 for 3. Best of all, Suck in his Hair will breathe his last breath if I have anything to do with it. You think I'm kidding? I just taped a "Sanjaya Must Die" post-it to my coworker's computer. And I don't waste post-its for ANYTHING.