Hair-'em Scare-'em

Good news everyone! I'm going to be OKAY. I feared that I'd have to slip a coworker a 20 to get them to type out this week's post as I dictated it while pacing, but alas, crisis AVERTED. My eye doctor says I'm going to be just fine, and that the blindness I experienced after being attacked by a ponyhawk around 8:45pm last night is only temporary. By the grace of God, I have returned to the land of the seeing, and I'm more than confident that the land of the hearing is not far off. But I'll be patient; I know experiencing that much sonic damage in one sitting is quite an undertaking, and far be it from me to be greedy when my personal health is on the line.

Before we get to this week's utter insanity, I'd like to hold a short moment of silence for Stephanie Edwards' departure. Not because I even miss her all that much, or because she clearly should have stayed long after most of these other fools sail away into Hades (and that had better be where they're going, because the losers' eternally damned gondola ride on the River Styx is one of the main reasons I watch this show). No, not for any of those silly reasons. Rather, I'm holding it for my brilliant prediction tactics thus far. Wouldn't you? And look! I even saved some extra room on my back for you to pat it if you'd like. Go on, I don't bite. Thaaaat's it. Okay, you can raise your heads back up and return to less important matters at hand. While you're at it, I'll cozy back up in the Temple of the Right and Wholly Unsurprised.

I'd also like to give a shout-out to Lulu and Peter Noone, who proved last week that even bad teeth can't prevent English entertainers from aging more gracefully than shrivelly Americana. Both Brit stars retained much of their performance verve, hitting all their notes, smiling and engaging audience members throughout, and making it quite clear why they ever enjoyed success as pop stars. I would say the same for Ms. Ross of a few weeks ago, but I can't. And because I can't, we move swiftly on. Oh! Except to say that Lulu looked friggin' fantastic and sang even better. To Lu with Love, we salute you.

So, now that the world has veritably forgotten Stephanie and her talent, and now that I've kicked enough rocks in my backyard to accept the injustice that pervades this ridiculously amateur and unsavory industry, I can return to this week's performances. Aside from our visit to the zoo courtesy of Sanjaya (someone should really tell the boy that donning dead animals atop one's head is dangerously unsanitary), another central theme to this week's breakdown will be SPR's outrageously off calls in most parts, which took the form of blowing smoke up several undeserving asses, and jointly urinating on more appealing efforts. I hate them when they lift their hind legs to do a onesy on those who shined brightest just because they don't think they can make as much money off them. I really do. And just for that, I've decided NOT to clean up after them when they decide to take their twosies in equally improper places from here on in. And so, I give you the few who were great, the many who were average, and Chris Sligh.

1. Lakisha was arguably the best vocal of the night, but no one will remember that because they put her first. And I guess I kept wondering last week when they were going to put one of the power divas first to give other people a fighting chance of survival, but I still didn't appreciate it. Good thing she made the most of it as only she can -- I don't know if you remember, but I do: every single note was on, her voice soared in all the right places, she controlled from start to finish, she sang it three times better than Donna Summer on a good day, and she looked fantastic on top of it. If they had put that same exact performance last, she would have stolen the night again; but, feeling bad for Melinda's less than perfect performance from last week, the producers gave The Doo the edge in terms of product placement. I'm okay with it, because Kiki still gripped it, snipped it, and ripped it, but I would appreciate more love from both the Wizard of AI and SPR next time around. They gave her love as she deserved, but then had the AUDACITY to tell GINA DIE-YESTERDAY-I-HATE-YOU-WHY-MUST-YOU-LIVE-IN-MY-LIFETIME GLOCKSEN that she had the best vocal of the night by that time. I'm so mad I'm about to go blind again, so I just have to move on and say Kiki returned to pristine vocal form and we've decided on a Spring wedding.

2. Then Chris Sligh continued his anti-rhythmic rampage with such consistency and assuredness that I'm starting to think he's trying to make it his trademark. Now, when I point out that he has no ability whatsoever to find musical pocket even if it came in the form of chocolate cake, no one votes him off. But hopefully now that Gwen Stefani and her kiss-ass judges have finally followed suit, maybe Dracula will meet his maker. I mean, every aspect of his performance was horror personified, the song choice that made him as amateur as he's ever sounded, the notes that didn't happen, the swaying out of time to match his vocal gymnastics (of course, these representing the gymnast who was told soon after practice that maybe he should try chess instead), the continued ugliness that now boasts a small hair patch on the lower half of what I think is his face, the unconvincing mic stand carrying that he just won't give up on... EVERYTHING about it. And as if that wasn't enough, he went on to tell us that the "musical theory" of this song is so "complicated" that, y'know, in his musical expertise, the chorus never comes in on the downbeat. Hm. I see your point, except that the chorus in this song always comes in on the downbeat. But thanks for playing! Jesus H. I hate this kid; and I'm happy to say I have since the beginning. I'm glad to see other viewers finally starting to pack up my pew in the Temple (you know which one), but this kid was the worst of the night if you ask me. Seeing as how I don't consider Sanjaya a singer makes it easier to exclude him from this particular call. And if there really is a Buffy, this bloodsucker is a goner by night's end.

3. Now, Gina did give her best performance thus far. Yet, given that most of her performances inspire a homicidal rage in me that I didn't even know I had, that's not saying much. She did pace it perfectly, she did rely on audience applause midway to cover up the fact that she didn't really hit the low notes like truly gifted singers would, and she did wear some pretty slick boots. But that's about it. I'm just mad that she likely bought herself a solid 3 more weeks before the Underworld comes a-knockin' with that effort. Even in her best showing, however, she continues to be annoyingly shouty, which I really don't appreciate. Oh well, one day soon, the sun will shine again. For now, she'll continue to be the wasted space that no one gives an 1-ply asswipe about.

4. He Who Shall Usher in the End of the World did one thing right last night: he chose 7 ponies to place in his Hawk of Suck instead of just one large mass. Cuz he's gonna need all the luck he can muster not to get sliced into a thousand bits and fried up by a street vendor who's looking to cash in on Sanjaya's inexplicable fame by making him edible for the masses. I mean really, how does the kid sleep at night? Especially now, because I'm sure that 'do gave him some kind of a headache. Word on the street is he's depressed behind the scenes... ha! As though that's supposed to be surprising? If the vendor doesn't get to him first, the 10-story ledge will. I give it about 5 years before he comes into his own (as a post-pubescent dude, not as a performer obviously), looks back on these old tapes in an unlit basement, and leaves those he loves small pieces of his hula skirt before he dives. I want to feel bad for him, but his hair got in my way once again... and I don't take pity on someone who tries to take my eyes. You wanna play dirty, Sucktown? Fine. Dirty it is. You sang worse than you looked, you represent all that is bad about pop music today, and a parade is being planned in your honor for the morning after you are trap door-ed from American Idol. And I know it's a longshot, but I'm praying to Vishnu that your Indian supporters turn away in disgust after this hairstyle debacle, thereby ending your ride on this train forevermore. A longshot, I know. But karma is real, especially the Hindu kind, so I figured I'd put it out there.

5. Haley heard the cries of 'You's a Hoooo" last week, and put some clothes back on. But she still let the gams fly just for good measure. She continued to sound like high school Broadway, but her fanbase's energy is so creepily palpable, I feel like I can almost touch it. She won't go too much farther, but the big note at the end will likely keep her in for at least one more ho show, if not more. She's like the Miss America contestant who tripped into the competition long enough to inspire teenage girls who love to see pretty win over anything else so help them God. Because to them, being a beauty queen actually connotes talent, instead of good genes and even better styling. Her eyebrows continue to be too thin, so I'm not even going to give her much love in a pageant, but I feel them I tell you.. those fans, they're serious about keeping her going, as though they're a collective Prince Charming who has vowed to save their fallen princess no matter what the cost. It's all very bizarre so I'm going to change the subject now, cuz frankly, it makes me uncomfortable. Kind of like her perfect legs.

6. Alien Stacey gave his best performance since Week 1, and I was happy for him. He sounded freakishly like Sting, he delivered the song almost perfectly, and he was convincing in terms of "current-ness" for the first time this season. Looks like someone got himself out of the brokedown elevator for a week. Either that, or he sailed around the galaxy listening to Sting's Greatest Hits before touching down. Whatever the case, he finally stopped sucking, and had the best male vocal of the night by MILES (We'll get to SPR's lies in a second). Were it not for a few unwise stylistic choices he made at the end of the song (a corny, miss-hit of a riff at the end of "please" that should not have been there, and some other extra movement here or there), he was truly awesome from start to finish. And I'll just say that if Blake had sung like that (which he wouldn't, ever, because he can't sing like that y'see), the judges would have singlehandedly shut the show down and crowned BeatBoy the winner right there and then. But, because they don't believe they can sell with Stacey the way they can these other weirdos (which is for the most part true, but still annoying in moments like this), they gave him the most underrated marks of the evening for no good reason. Now, I don't like aliens other than ET any more than the next gal, but I would appreciate it if SPR would return to accurate form and quick. Cuz the only thing worse than having to sit through so much mediocrity week after week, is having to see the taste-testers fail to deliver in kind.

7. The Doo was fantastic as always, if not grating in spots when she puts too much "edge" on her vibrato instead of "pretty" when trying to be "edg-y". But really, I'm nitpicking here and we all know it. She is THE standard performer of the year, and I pity those who try to compete with her and aren't named Lakisha. I also highly dug the Farrah flip they gave her. Softened her face up a lot, as did the eye makeup, and from the chin-meets-colarbone up, she looked darn right cute! Go Lindy Loo for being as feminine as you can possibly be. That said, you all had BETTER have my back when the rest of the world starts questioning her humble act more loudly. Because I'm hearing that the likes of Talk Soup and other AIers are starting to echo the battlecry. Damn it, I get no love. Where's my royalty check for all these people starting to say what I said months ago? No one with that much conviction on stage can be that cluelessly unassuming off stage. No one. People. The woman is severely OCD. She told us as much a long time ago! Do you ACTUALLY think she failed to take every single tactic into account when it comes to winning this competition? Every note and jive on stage is as fierce as can be, while every personality pump off stage is as handily handled. She cracks a timely joke whenever Ryan lends her a "let the audience get to know ya" line, and her head sinks back into her turtle shell everytime SPR lauds her. This is not an accident. I repeat: this is not an accident.This is Melinda Doolittle trying to secure victory on all cylinders. Only problem is, the more people start to think that it's forced, the more it'll become apparent that it's forced, and there could be a backlash of "We don't believe you!!! At least Haley doesn't pretend that she's good!!!!" heard from the screaming aisles. Then the phones will ring less frequently for her impossible-to-remember call number, and the strongest contestant on the show will fall by the wayside. You heard it here first.

8. Clearly shaken up by Ryan's beatboxing prowess from last week, Blake did me the favor of not doing it this time around. Problem is, that's the only thing keeping him in this competition, because Lord knows his singing won't. The song lasted roughly 15 years.. but come to think of it, he may still be singing it... jeez, it was silly of me not to double check. Whether he is or not, it was all bad from what I saw, and his arrangement was not "tender" like kiss-assface Rando wanted to make us believe last night. It was lifeless, uninteresting, and I honestly keep thinking he sang that "Who's Your Daddy" song again whenever I try to conjure up the name of this one. It was a Cure song, that I'm sure of, but Blake yawned out another pitchy performance that somehow the judges say they'd like to see again in the finale. Thanks to SPR's jones for this average whiteboy who's all wrong in the face, we'll now be dealing with Blake far far into the future for no really great reason. He's not an eighth as "cool and hip" as they'd like to think, he's holding onto that unique card for dear life because, as it became clear once again this week, he has nothing to offer without the scratching record sound effects, and he bored to tears. And as I roll my eyes in consistent displeasure, the hoards of fans stare psychotically into their cell phones just waiting for the bell to toll so they can shower their adoration over him in 1-866 form. Like I said, he's welcome to produce as many "fresh new" hits as his little heart desires, but last time I checked, this wasn't the search for the next Neptunes.

9. My, my, WHAT a fall from grace, Ms. Sparks! I knew you were going to prove my predictions of such a fall right at some point, but little did I think you'd do it that fast, that extensively. How tragic -- to go from "this girl could pull out a victory" place, to "this girl is the definition of awkward, remove her kindly from my screen thank you". Her ability to sing so well when she goes into high chest voice will keep her in this for a long while, but she showed so many other weak spots last night that I don't know which one to deal with first. No low notes apparently. Not a one. And no sense of song choice, delivery, nor style this week either. She looked downright AWFUL. The top, the skirt, the boots to match the God-awful skirt, the lack of fittedness that came with the ensemble, the pulled back hair that highlighted the wrong angles on le face instead of the right ones. Then there was the song, that just tanked throughout, especially when she decided not to hit even the "Hey Baby"'s midway through. And to top it all off, she returned to her insanely annoying, immature, almost borderline bratty persona, that had taken a lovely rest in preceding weeks. She got so hyper and schitzo with her facial expressions as Ryan announced her call-in number that for a second there, I thought she was miming. Unfortunately, she was just being her annoying self again, which is exactly what prevented me from placing more than a big toe on her train so long ago. I am most definitely not on the train, Jordy. You have to give me what you gave last week, and then repeat it twice more to make up for this week's atrociousness. I mean for God sakes, you could at least try to dress the part. Keep this up, and the back of my hand and your really teethy grin will finally meet.

10. Sigh. Christopher. I'm starting to think that the producers put you last because had you gone anywhere else in line, you would surely be going home tonight by a landslide. I love that you're hot, I really really do, and it's been swell and all, but last night put you on the thinnest ice possible. Staying true to form, SPR was overwhelmingly nicer to you than they could have been, but the problem is you're not Blake, and he's already got their overrated compliments on lock. What that leaves us with is a pretty lackluster effort, that wasn't bad, but wasn't great, and didn't sell the way you needed it to. My bigger worry is that if you gave one of your strongest performances last week and still managed to be in the bottom 2, this week didn't help you stay out of it in the least. I'm praying to the gods of inconsistency that you don't tumble into oblivion just yet, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not expecting it. I disagree with Simon on song choice -- although last week's was obscure, this week's song is so ingrained in people's pop consciousness that giving a brokedown rendition of it only pisses off listeners. I found it almost as boring as Blake's, shoddy as far as vocals go, and wholly "Yo"-less in Randy terms. We'll see how it all plays out tonight, because the results are anyone's guess at this point.

Before I unleash my predictions, I would like to share a few extra goodies with you all. First off, I'm happy to hear about the random readers who are tuning in weekly to read these posts. Who knew pontificating publicly would gather such interest! To shout-out one particular reader, I'd like to pass on this digital gem that Sloan sent my way this past week. If any of you would like to listen to mp3's of contestants past and present throughout your Idol madness, head to this site for more live video recaps than you can handle: http://www.rickey.org/. Thanks!

In addition, I'd like to point out that while I'm happy others are reading my blog, I've been somewhat disconcerted in recent weeks by certain, well, similarities between some of my format and that of other blogs. I won't get into specifics, because that's not what champs do, but I had to vent to someone, so you all are it. K, enough with the cryfest -- here's how I'm calling it tonight. But this results show could go ANY which way if you ask me, so I do this with much more caution than conviction:

Shoulda: Sanjaya Maladie (I'm of the school that thinks if you say it enough times, eventually it'll come true.)

Coulda: Chris Sligh

Wild Card: Chris Richardson ( :'-{ )