This Means War

Y'know, it's funny. Spending as much time as I do on the AI Men's performances each week, when the Ladies of Season 6 are the only thing keeping people glued to the tube this year. Who cares whether Sundance was better than Alien Stacey? Who cares whether AJ is male or female? The important issues at hand are the fact that war has officially begun, a war worth watching, and it's already blazing in a television near you. Who will win this diva-sized battle? Lakisha? Melinda? Too close to call at the moment. But one thing's for sure. These women are so far and away in a different league than the other contestants that it's almost shaming. I'd personally hate to be any one of them right now, even if I did have kickass moments like Jordin and Stephanie do. It's still not enough. And if neither LakiLove nor NoNeck win this competition, the fact that they are above and beyond what the other 22 vocalists can give us in terms of polish, power, professionalism, and delivery will not change. So, only because I must discuss them all, I give you the Ladies' performances from last night, who, for the most part, came to play this year -- which is more than I can say for the mildly entertaining karaoke we had to sit through on Tuesday.

1. Gina Glocksen reminds me of a throw pillow, accessorized by spikes and chains of course. It's that extra piece of home furnishing that has no useful purpose, and kinda just sits there trying to make an otherwise fully-functional space appear busier than it really is. What's more, I think throw pillows only got their name by virtue of the fact that when you try to sit down on a couch full of them, all you want to do is throw one 100 yards down the street because they're in your goddamn way. To me, that's Gina's sole purpose on this show -- to accessorize the real competition up until that random night when America decides to throw her down the alleyway. No one cares whether she did better this week than last, no one even really cares about the fact that she can't sing softly and then was outdone by the backup singer Charlotte who sang louder, more on pitch, and at an unfathomably higher chest voice register than she. No one even really cares that Carrie Underwood clearly sang it better 2 years ago. Gina will stay this week, and likely a few more, but she's merely getting in the way of us enjoying the real entertainment this year. Space fillers have their place, but I'd take a few coasters over a throw pillow any day of the week.

2. Alaina continued her stretch of mindboggling underwhelmingness, and we're all just counting down the days until we don't have to watch her extensions grow out any longer. Now, we all know that she has no business singing, well, much of anything really, but of all things, you choose the most popular single ever to kick George W. in the nuts, just 3 weeks since the Grammy's crowned the Dixie Queens? And of all things, Paula comes in and tries to console you by saying that's a hard song to sing. Paula, honeypie, sweetness, that song is not hard to sing -- it's just really really awesome. And the fact that Alaina has now extended her streak as the contestant most lost inside the severe limitations of her talent makes me pray to every God out there that I no longer have to deal with this come next week. Remember way back when when I said I'd be tired of having to discuss these no-talent barbie dolls 2-3 weeks in? Well, we're hitting that mark and let's just say I'm mad as hell and I don't have time to go 'round and 'round and 'round.

3. I love American Idol because you know Satan is one of the dudes manning production this season.. cuz only Lucifer himself would put Lakisha Jones directly after Alaina A. Ha. That's awesome. Lakisha was not as good as last week, but just as amazing, solid, and fun to watch. She channeled Gladys PERFECTLY, she didn't oversing it (which is the mark of a true professional with that kind of power), and she continued to glow like a nightlight. I love her still and I'm glad that Simon couldn't care less whether she wins this thing or not -- he made it quite clear yesterday that she's destined for bigtime stardom, no matter what AI has to say about it. What I don't understand, however, is what was so wrong with her outfit? Distracting? Why? Cuz she has legs and she's not afraid to use them? Cuz she wears coral colors that only look great on women of color? I didn't understand that little rant -- certainly not when Simon still hasn't found his way to the waxing parlor for those gorilla arms and hands he's workin' with.

4. And then, the war of worlds was set afire, as Melinda Doolittle presented one of the best performances in American Idol history, second only to Fantasia's rendition of "Summertime". But to come with such verve, virtuosity, amazingness, power, precision, and phrasing so early on in this competition set a call to arms heard all over the nation. Lakisha, you cannot have a bad day, because my stylist, vocal coach, and what-to-wear-today book are jointly concocting the perfect formula to secure my victory this year. These two are gonna go for the jugulars better than anything you can see on the Discovery Channel, and I've got tubs upon tubs of popcorn to inhale while they do it. Again, I find this one too early to call, but if I have to pick a camp, I'm snapping down West Side Story with Lakisha. Her natural tone is smoother than that of Melinda - who could be potentially grating in spots if she's not always on lock, and she's got a few more power points in her holster when it all comes down to it. But Melinda was without a doubt the one to beat after last night's showdown, and I am astounded, thrilled, and so happy to see these two queens of the night ram horns until the bloody end.

5. Antonella decided to follow in the footsteps of great singers--this time Celion Dion--and trip, fall, break a few bones, and puncture a lung in the process. There's no need to review what was already so painful the first time through. If she and Alaina continue to destroy our sense of what is just and right in this world for one more week, I hereby offer up my apartment's backyard for the sacrificial roast we'll conduct in their honor. Don't worry, I'll make sure they're dead before you get there, so we don't have to hear one more thing come out of their mouths, ever.

6. Jordin Sparks was definitely better than last week, but the song is just so irritatingly annoying and kiddiepoo that it got in the way of her talent. She was a lot less sugary (pulling her ridiculous hair back did wonders in that department), and I appreciated it tenfold. Now I at least have one big toe on her train, which is way more than I can say for last week. She's great - and she is phenomenally talented for her age. But she will not win. Nor should she. She'll give a very strong run this year, however, so I hope she continues to come out swingin'. Heck, if she keeps the maturity thing up, I may even start rooting for her without hesitation someday.

7. It didn't help that Stephanie Edwards was off rhythm for the majority of her performance due to an unfortunate battle with the band behind her on "Dangerously In Love". It prevented us from getting into it until far too late, and although she made up for it with a strong ending, it paled in comparison to what she brought to the stage last week. And to clarify, what Randy was trying to tell you, dear, is that trying to be too much like Beyonce isn't actually a good move when you're trying to win a singing competition. The unwielded vibrato that Ms. B still can't get a hold of after 37 years in the music industry is not something you should emulate. Stick to your voice, not hers, and you'll go much, much farther in this competition. The dress was pretty dope though -- I'll give you that.

8. Now, Leslie Hunt may have improved on looking less canine to me, but she made up for it by looking roughly 42 years old last night. Are we really supposed to believe this "girl" is 24? Iiiiiiiii don't think so. It didn't help that she chose a song that was just sung the night before, and didn't even sing it much better. What's worse, she chose to distinguish herself as the "jazzy" type by scatting halfway through, and sucking at it. If she had done it for about 5 seconds, it would have been a masterful move. But she held onto it so long, even SHE wanted to vomit from the overdose. It lost its pocket, its pitch, its originality, its everything.. and turned into a jazzier version of Nicole Tranquillo's vocal schizophrenia from a week prior. I hope Les started saying her goodbyes early -- cuz it's really a matter of hours for this puppy. (Pun intended, obviously).

9. Haley Scarnato was most definitely not the Queen of the Night, and the clock's ticking is only getting louder on this chick. She did improve from last week's ridiculousness inasmuch as I remember what song she did and the fact that her hair could not have been worse if she tried. That said, she has no staying power in this show. None. She's not memorable, she's not very talented, she bores to tears, and her eyebrows are too thin. This is why I'm happy she's engaged, because at least I know there's a man out there who'll coddle her when she gets the boot. Other than that, I continue to remain unmoved and unimpressed. She's like that mysterious mist that wafts up through the sidewalk grates in Manhattan. You know it's probably harmless at the end of the day, but you still don't want to be exposed to it if you can help it.

10. Lastly, we come to Sabrina Sloan, who, like Stephanie, let us down compared to last week, but will still be here for awhile yet. She had a serious case of the shouts last night and it wasn't pleasant. The girl is talented, and cute enough from the right angles, but just as Simon said, screaming at the top of your power cord is not fun - not for you, not for us. So kindly stop. Also, don't sing Whitney, cuz I'd prefer she handle that, thanks. But aside from the uncontrolled loudness that nearly drowned the whole thing out, she handled her biz enough to snooze through tonight's results show. Which I'll also be doing whenever Kellie Pickler disgraces the stage.

So, who will it be people?!?!?! Tonight's a toughie, because we all know the ones that should go usually find a way to stay for too long. I'm fully prepared to be wrong, but here's what I'm putting down on:

Men: Nick Pedro & Sucky Sanj
Ladies: Alaina Alexander & Leslie Hunt

Until tonight!


PS - Ryan actually looked good for once in his life. I like the skinny tie on purple combo he was rockin'. Way to have a good fashion day once every 6 years RyRy!