The Year of the "W-O-M-A-NNNNNN"

Hooray!!! My television was working again last night, all systems go, and American Idol shined and sparkled as only a show that truly felt bad for going off the air without warning the preceding night could have done. What the guys had done to drown my will to live on Tuesday was quickly erased as soon as the ladies took stage and took flight, showing why we might have any reason to get excited this year when it's all said and done. Although the fact that 6 guys must by law continue on in this competition makes me hug myself tearfully as I shiver alone on a cold floor, I'm prepared to survive this injustice with the help of two vocal powerhouses who, ironically, almost shouldn't be in this competition.

Before you get out your handguns, lemme explain why. Lakisha and Melinda are so above and beyond the state of "amateur" that they don't need American Idol to justify anything to anyone about their readiness, professionalism, talent, and star-quality. They've been doing this for almost 30 years, they know exactly how to sing well, and they'll continue to do that whenever someone gives them a mic. That's what pros do. And pros don't waste time "competing" with amateurs. The fact that they even have to be compared to these other midlings insults ME, so I can't even imagine how they must feel. At best, they're bored. At worst, they're slighted for having to stand in judgment about whether they did better or worse than last week, when their worst eludes Malakar-Barba, Inc.'s imaginations. The irony only extends further when you realize that, despite being free from the chains of validation by which the other contestants will forever be held captive, both Lakisha and Melinda are exactly what American Idol needs in its least inspiring year to date. As the Rand said last night -- these 2 are consummate pros. And their presence on a show so full of lackluster talent only clarifies just how vastly different good amateurism is from actual greatness. Without them, there is no hope for Americans to know what professional singing looks, sounds, and feels like. What true talent actually can do. And whether or not they win the crown, they have set the standard by which all the other contestants should be judged, lest SPR forget how low they placed the bar on being impressive this time (and so many other times) around.

So, in this fabulous Year of the Woman, let's recount last night's happenings, and then toast to the fact that we never again have to see an all-male performance night this season.

1. Jordin Sparks did precisely what she needed to do to secure her position as the talented youngin' who we hope will continue to grow and grow throughout the competition. That's a long-winded way of saying she's not gonna win. But she'll keep us entertained (for the most part), and she'll sing well (for the most part), and she'll smile and be cutsie (unfortunately, for the most part), and then cry (for the most part) when she hits her ceiling. She's great (for the most part) and has incredible potential (bet you were expecting "for the most part" here, weren't you? Well you're not gonna get it smarty pants), but she makes enough youngin' mistakes to not quite beat out the best of the best this year. She should stay away from Heart songs, though, her niche really is the more sugary pop ballady crap. Sad, but true.

2. Sabrina is apparently still fighting the case of the shouts she came down with last week, and desperately needs a new prescription. If anything, it's only getting worse, and immeasurably more annoying with each too-high song she chooses. That said, she took it back to classic En Vogue, which reminded me that I really miss that CD and can't find where I last put it. That song is the jam. I mean, really. Come on. Go there with me. "Don't you wanna be? Cuz I can' t pretend". Snap, move it, groove it, love it. It's everything we loved and miss about 90's music.. and those girls were the fucking BOMB.. really sad their comeback didn't work like they promised it w-- Oh. Sorry. What were we talking about? Ah yes, Sabrina. Yeah, she sang something, and it was good enough to move her on but really friggin' annoyingly shouty and I wish she'd stop doing that for the love of God, and En Vogue is basically God. Moving on.

3a.) Antonella sucks a fat one.


3b.) But I at least know why she chose to sing a Corinne Bailey Rae song.1) Because Antonella would have us believe (thanks to today's pop music production magic tricks) that she, like Corinne Bailey Rae, could arguably sound good enough on record to make a bangin' album. At which point, like Corinne Bailey Rae, she wouldn't have to worry about sounding like Corinne Bailey Rae does when singing live, which, in short, makes you wanna slit one wrist, but keep the other one intact so that you have time to jump off the 10th story ledge naked and feel the searing pain of your demise from start to finish. I at least commend her for that obviously highly pre-meditated song choice.

3c.) Oh, there's another reason why she chose that song. 2) Because it'd make the listeners ask, "Who sings that song?" And then someone who thinks they know what's "so hot right now" in terms of "indie" R&B soul music will go "Oh, you don't know? That's Corinne Bailey Rae! I have the cd upstairs. She's so hot right now." And then, the person who asked the silly question would say "Oh cool. I'll have to remember that. Corinne Bailey Rae...."

4. And then a girl whose name no one can ever remember since SPR randomly chose to put her on the show comes on, and they say: "Wait. This girl is really random. Is she a contestant? What's her name?". But the musical know-it-all already went upstairs to get that cd everyone is dying over because they've been lucky enough not to see her sing live yet... Corinne Bailey Rae... Bailey Rae... Hm. Wait!! Bailey rhymes with... Haley!! Haley Something or Other! That's her name! And then the person feels proud to have figured out what this randomite's name was on their own, and goes back to being permanently damaged by whatever song she chose to sang. Everything about it (except that BLINGING engagement ring -- did you all peep that rock?!) was awkward, horrible, and a self-imposed death sentence. And then, not so nicely, Simon dished out something far soul-killing than any insult he's ever dished in 6 years of judging: "I don't know your name." I almost cried for her. He said what so many of us were already thinking, but wow.. I mean, he really said it. In front of everyone. Months and months after seeing Haley advance through the competition thus far. I'm still recovering. I don't care about her any more than I care about the asphalt industry, but that was cold man. Cooold.

6. Stephanie has yet to be as impressive from start to finish as she was Week 1, but she's still got 3rd place in terms of talent on lock. Don't be surprised, however, if she goes home sooner than you'd expect. Unless she brightens up her personality to make it stand-out more, she'll follow in the footsteps of other vocal greats who never saw the finale with binoculars on.. namely, Latoya London, Mandisa, George Huff, Jennifer Hudson, and the like. The Rando was correct - she will fare much better in this competition by out-singing less vocally challenging songs, than trying to impress by giving us inexact audiocopies of tougher originals. Leave the truly tough songs to Lakisha, and take notes from Ms. Doolittle about singing simpler renditions amazingly. That's always the golden ticket to Winville, Population 1.

7. Lakisha blew it out the park, despite choosing a Whitney song, because she's really the only person who could pull something like that off. She moved, she finished it perfectly, she kept on glowing like she always does, and she looked downright gorj (that's short for gorgeoliscious). And although she has yet to kill on contact like she did Week 1, she solidified her right to say f--- you to American Idol whenever she damn well pleases. Cuz that woman can sing, and sing soft, big, and everything in between. Expect our wedding invitations in the mail soon.

8. Gina did what she had to do to stay afloat, knowing that her days are numbered on this program. She took the low road, fashioning herself as the token rocker chick, because just trying to sing big pop ballads well isn't going to win her much but a free plane ride home. It was a valiant, overly loud effort on her part, but it completely lacked authenticity or believability. That's likely why she said "This is the REAL ME!" about 1,038 times during her Seacrestation, and then had the audacity to put up the index-plus-pinky fingered "Rock On" gesture towards the band, which we all know only phony people do when they want to look even more phony. She sucks. Not necessarily her voice -- but her persona. She just annoys, because she obviously has no way of winning this thing, but still takes up space and air that I'd rather see Lakisha and Melinda use whenever they're bored or in a hurry to get somewhere. Whatever Gina. Whatever.

9. Melinda once again established herself as the surefire Numero Uno in this competition, with another flawless performance from start to finish. The verve, the nerve, the stage command, the prowess, the confidence, the showstopping delivery, the song choice, the look to the backup singers, the winner's grin... hot DAMN.. everything about it tingled in all the right places. I love her. I love her. And I now can't decide which woman I'm going to propose to first. Don't worry, I'm stealing Haley's ring and splitting it in 2 to save money, but it's more about tact. Do you think she'd be mad if I asked Lakisha first? I mean, she was my first true love. I dunno. Still thinking about it, cuz, it just has to be PERFECT. I never thought I'd end up in Utah, but it really is a good state to have as an option when no one else will be quite as supportive of the 3-way matrimony.

She's still the Queen Bee to beat, in my opinion, but again, it doesn't really matter. She and Lakisha will continue to knock heads and rock our worlds. Lakisha will makes us cry and hold our breath, Doolittle will make our eyes pop and jaws drop. All in all, I'd say that's some quality entertainment. In the meantime, we'll watch amateurs fall, one by one like dominos, and then see how the final cards fall when the professionals decide to bow out. Because no matter what American Idol might tell you, these women can't be voted off -- it's an immunity enjoyed by the few, the proud, and the purely great.

So, the betting's on for our last Thursday of the season. Who will it be my friends? Here's what I'm going for:

Men: Brandon Rogers & Sucky McSuckersanj
Women: Haley Scarnato & Antonella Barba